hopefully-nightly-doodles

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

You know what time it is? Time for another round of random art dump from yours truly ;0c

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Mmmmmuwah! kishes you :]c

New pfp again heh made by @haisfin <33

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

New pfp again heh made by @haisfin <33

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

geez got a lil jump scared by the amount of likes n new follow I got just from that doodle dump Just giving yall a heads up this account is very inactive lol

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so much for "hopefully nightly doodles" :'Dc anyway here's some old doodles and sketches from last year that I never posted on here lol most of these are just my sona but ofc Leo n Lux always wriggle their way into things

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been a while since I posted some struggle art lol heres some struggles minus that Leo baby at the end I think it turned out cute :]c

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wanted to post some OC art but then remembered it was a spoiler daaaaaaaaamn-

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sum sona arts that I've made for the past month ish-

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I used to draw such good dynamic poses when I was younger what happed to me 😭😭😭 all of these are from 2021 done in a short time with no refs- Like how did I do that aslkdna I mean I still dont use refs often unless Im doing studies or struggling but like I feel like I've lost that confidence man- the closest I've had recently to havin a really nice dynamic pose was that young Leo art I colored, and the thumbs I had for that

Which was this, and I still adore it but I picked the other pose cuz it showed off her new design better. But like back on topic I think the reason for this dip quality I think is because back then I just drew whatever the fuck I wanted- There was no pressure in my head that it had to look cool, so it just made me more confident and made me draw more often. but since gaining a followin and learning more about the fundamentals its kinda tied me down to thinking that I have to always be producing at a certain level of quality- Like dont get me wrong, all artist go through a "dip" in their art when their "artist eye" improves faster than their skill. And not all of my art from 2021 were this good, I def had to pick from the pile of chicken scratches I had. But I feel like dynamic poses like those happened more often back then compared to now. Like I made this account specifically to like get out of my head and post all my scribbles and learn to stop carin so much about the quality of everything I put out. And I do post almost every silly lil thing I put down onto here and it does help but it just doesnt change the fact I havent been drawin much at all :'] Hence the infrequent updates. I feel like thats something a lot of older artist struggle in over coming. Like the mentality of "you've been doin this shit for so long why aren't you improving as much as you think you should be at this point?" snakes into our heads more often than the younger artist. Because they just want to draw everyday cuz its fun, so they just draw draw draw without caring. Learnin the fundamentals of art is always good, I do recommend learning them if you want significant improvements in your skills, but learning them means youre going to make a lot of ugly art. And seeing those "ugly arts" slowly chips away at you sometimes, and a lot of artist drop art when facing that hurdle. But like its okay to make ugly ass lookin art- Its part of the process and you can not skip it!! You cant just not draw for a month cuz you got super sad for making something that isn't 100% like the image you had in your head, then pick up your pen again and think that somehow NOW you can do it even tho you havent draw anythin at all- Consumin art and improving the visual library in your head is of course important, but you cant just keep expanding your Pinterest boards assuming it will make you better.

What are we? AI?

HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Ahem- Anyway am I calling myself out on this post? Absolutely! Infact that was the whole reason I made this in the first place. But Im now also calling YOU out :D Yes you! The person that stumbled on this post and relates to it!! Pick up a pencil and draw damn it!!! It wont be "ugly" forever I promise.

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

Hey Over Thinker

I also like just the plain sketch of it Additional lore about me that only a few know/will notice is that the "hey over thinker" is a reference to the song that inspired me to get my old internet @, which was Daydreamer, the title of the song was "Hey Daydreamer". It was a song the used to play a lot in the radio when I was a kid. For the longest time I thought it was an international song cuz it was english but apparently it was OPM and thats why no one else online knew it aldsnk

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

yeh I try to remind myself to check up on peeps too, especially online people I've known for years but kinda drifted away from. Always kinda awkward with checkin up on people cuz social anxiety aklnsda but you know, gotta start somewhere hope things go well with the peeps you checkin up on bud ^^

I don’t really post vent art here but I decided I o post this one cuz well… Honestly it’s mostly cuz I can’t sleep and have a lot of thoughts circling my head right now…

Vent hidden just incase people don’t wanna get depressed reading my wall of text sndbdj

I used to talk a lot in my twitter and I do have a priv that I had posted this vent art on weeks ago but idk- Twitter has become such a toxic space its hard to be active there even in my private account. Well actually its hard to be active anywhere for me, but if you’re a long time follower you probably already know that. I’m a hermit, and very much an introvert with a weird social battery. Every time someone tells me they think I was an extrovert I always get so confused by it-

I don’t even know where I’m going with this or if it will ever see the light of day, but it can’t hurt to try and process feelings right?

Im not going to go into detail on to what made me draw this or the full extent of what’s been happening cuz its complicated as fuck- But I can try and dissect how I’ve been feeling or at least try to. For the past month or maybe more I’ve been tipping back and forth on my mental health, and at the end of May the scales finally tipped over for the worst and I did something so fukin stupid. It was a snap instant regret kinda moment and I knew I fucked up big time. While yes, there were outside things that happened and build up turmoil months prior that got me to that point of mental deterioration before the snap, its on me to have let myself get that bad in the first place.

I should have taken more breaks when I knew I was pushing myself constantly, draining myself constantly. I should have been more firm with my boundaries whenever I mentioned them and should have been better at communicating the hurt and stress and pressure thats been building up before it all came crashing down.

People always say “love yourself before you love others”, and on a logical and fundamental level I always understand why. At least I think I do… But to deeply understand what it actually meant I knew I only had, at best, a foggy grasp of it. And since what’s happened recently I kinda get a little why now. People who are hurt will always end up hurting other people when that hurt is ignored or not properly processed.

And thats what happened to me. I hurt someone I really cared about and I feel gross and unbelievably disappointed in myself for it.

It doesn’t matter how hard you try to be better for others or to be there for people and be kind and supportive to them. Those acts of service and kindness, tho genuine, isn’t going to fill the hole in your heart that you aren’t giving that kind of support to yourself. It’s so self destructive and will leave you to grow bitter from the inside out. And thats why it was so hard to see, and why I didn’t notice till it was too late. Cuz on the outside I look and acted fine, but inside i was deteriorating so much that I got to a point I couldn’t not see it anymore. And in a desperate cry for help I tried to open about it and explain int the worst way possible up but snapped, crossed a boundary I shouldn’t have then ran away.

And I don’t mean snap like get angry, I meant like snap as in I had a mental break that led to the worst tunnel visioned, impulsive fueled action afterwards. Its so hard for me to get genuine angry at people and when I do I walk away to cool down. I at least have some comfort knowing I didn’t unleash burning hot fury on someone cuz I think I might actually puke if I get to that point. That I have become that kind of person. But anger isn’t the only way you can hurt someone and I feel like what I did was kinda worse then plain anger.

Since that happened I just been away from almost everything. I mean I know isolation isn’t the solution so I kept a couple of friends close to have a support system to help me through this. But I did it to think and process everything that happened and has happened before hand that led to that point. And I haven’t just been overthinking and sulking and mopping in the mess I made because honestly who does that help really? I guess that’s what lead me here, to making a tumblr post on my dump account at 7am in the morning. To pick apart my feelings and toss it into the void.

Well that and 2 other reasons… That part where I was talking about being disgusted by myself? Yeh well thoughts of me “erasing myself form the equation” and just snipping connections left and right had pop up in my head more times that in has ever been recently. Cuz you know if ***I’m*** the problem then haha I probably wouldn’t be missed then!

But then two people check up on me and like I shit you not I started crying on the spot. Actually sobbing (but not too loud cuz I can’t cry in this house hold) because oh wow not everyone hates me. Like yes I had my support system and they are doing gods work, they are lovely beautiful human beings and love and adore them! but it’s different when someone you weren’t expecting checks up on you, to know you occupy a space in their head and to hear and see that they cared enough about you to check.

One of them was a friend from a new more recent friend group I had been in when I joined a new fandom. Me and that person hadn’t been particularly close nor talked too much but I loved their company whenever we did get the chance. I wish I talked more to them but time zones and my own social anxiety kinda prevented that so that is something to work on. And the 2nd one was from an old friend I kinda drifted away from a lil, cuz again I moved fandoms, but was very close with. They have absolutely no clue about my current situation but actually checked up on me cuz of uh… The territorial tension between China and the Philippines hdkdbsjsb. It was so out of nowhere and unexpected like they didn’t even have my alt discord to message me but they found a way so I was kinda just super touched-

And those two interactions plus my awesome friends who have been a great support system, that keep me centered and grounded. Im reminded that people do care and that one mistake doesn’t make me scum of the world no matter how loud my toxic thoughts screams it at me. Especially not when I am trying to be better and recognize the mistakes I made and even apologized before taking my break from most my contacts. No one has even called me that but myself cuz Im so quick to be hard on myself for any mistakes.

All I can do now is keep myself centered, allow myself to feel my complicated feelings and process them in a healthy manner, do my best to be better moving forward, and to be patient with myself and move at my own pace.

Hey if you got this far into reading, wow you must have a lot of free time! /lh jdkdjdhdjdhd-

That or you’re just really interested in how I’ve been. I’ve been called mysterious, aloof and hard to read before so maybe you wanted to know what actually goes on upstairs lol.

But either way here’s a little something for reading I guess. The words in the vent art is actually lyrics and this was the song I was listening too when I was making it. Additionally if you’re feeling sad and need a song to listen to try this, it helps me process emotions. Either way if you happen to stumble on this, I hope you get something form this and that you have a nice day.

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

I don’t really post vent art here but I decided I o post this one cuz well… Honestly it’s mostly cuz I can’t sleep and have a lot of thoughts circling my head right now…

Vent hidden just incase people don’t wanna get depressed reading my wall of text sndbdj

I used to talk a lot in my twitter and I do have a priv that I had posted this vent art on weeks ago but idk- Twitter has become such a toxic space its hard to be active there even in my private account. Well actually its hard to be active anywhere for me, but if you’re a long time follower you probably already know that. I’m a hermit, and very much an introvert with a weird social battery. Every time someone tells me they think I was an extrovert I always get so confused by it-

I don’t even know where I’m going with this or if it will ever see the light of day, but it can’t hurt to try and process feelings right?

Im not going to go into detail on to what made me draw this or the full extent of what’s been happening cuz its complicated as fuck- But I can try and dissect how I’ve been feeling or at least try to. For the past month or maybe more I’ve been tipping back and forth on my mental health, and at the end of May the scales finally tipped over for the worst and I did something so fukin stupid. It was a snap instant regret kinda moment and I knew I fucked up big time. While yes, there were outside things that happened and build up turmoil months prior that got me to that point of mental deterioration before the snap, its on me to have let myself get that bad in the first place.

I should have taken more breaks when I knew I was pushing myself constantly, draining myself constantly. I should have been more firm with my boundaries whenever I mentioned them and should have been better at communicating the hurt and stress and pressure thats been building up before it all came crashing down.

People always say “love yourself before you love others”, and on a logical and fundamental level I always understand why. At least I think I do… But to deeply understand what it actually meant I knew I only had, at best, a foggy grasp of it. And since what’s happened recently I kinda get a little why now. People who are hurt will always end up hurting other people when that hurt is ignored or not properly processed.

And thats what happened to me. I hurt someone I really cared about and I feel gross and unbelievably disappointed in myself for it.

It doesn’t matter how hard you try to be better for others or to be there for people and be kind and supportive to them. Those acts of service and kindness, tho genuine, isn’t going to fill the hole in your heart that you aren’t giving that kind of support to yourself. It’s so self destructive and will leave you to grow bitter from the inside out. And thats why it was so hard to see, and why I didn’t notice till it was too late. Cuz on the outside I look and acted fine, but inside i was deteriorating so much that I got to a point I couldn’t not see it anymore. And in a desperate cry for help I tried to open about it and explain int the worst way possible up but snapped, crossed a boundary I shouldn’t have then ran away.

And I don’t mean snap like get angry, I meant like snap as in I had a mental break that led to the worst tunnel visioned, impulsive fueled action afterwards. Its so hard for me to get genuine angry at people and when I do I walk away to cool down. I at least have some comfort knowing I didn’t unleash burning hot fury on someone cuz I think I might actually puke if I get to that point. That I have become that kind of person. But anger isn’t the only way you can hurt someone and I feel like what I did was kinda worse then plain anger.

Since that happened I just been away from almost everything. I mean I know isolation isn’t the solution so I kept a couple of friends close to have a support system to help me through this. But I did it to think and process everything that happened and has happened before hand that led to that point. And I haven’t just been overthinking and sulking and mopping in the mess I made because honestly who does that help really? I guess that’s what lead me here, to making a tumblr post on my dump account at 7am in the morning. To pick apart my feelings and toss it into the void.

Well that and 2 other reasons… That part where I was talking about being disgusted by myself? Yeh well thoughts of me “erasing myself form the equation” and just snipping connections left and right had pop up in my head more times that in has ever been recently. Cuz you know if ***I’m*** the problem then haha I probably wouldn’t be missed then!

But then two people check up on me and like I shit you not I started crying on the spot. Actually sobbing (but not too loud cuz I can’t cry in this house hold) because oh wow not everyone hates me. Like yes I had my support system and they are doing gods work, they are lovely beautiful human beings and love and adore them! but it’s different when someone you weren’t expecting checks up on you, to know you occupy a space in their head and to hear and see that they cared enough about you to check.

One of them was a friend from a new more recent friend group I had been in when I joined a new fandom. Me and that person hadn’t been particularly close nor talked too much but I loved their company whenever we did get the chance. I wish I talked more to them but time zones and my own social anxiety kinda prevented that so that is something to work on. And the 2nd one was from an old friend I kinda drifted away from a lil, cuz again I moved fandoms, but was very close with. They have absolutely no clue about my current situation but actually checked up on me cuz of uh… The territorial tension between China and the Philippines hdkdbsjsb. It was so out of nowhere and unexpected like they didn’t even have my alt discord to message me but they found a way so I was kinda just super touched-

And those two interactions plus my awesome friends who have been a great support system, that keep me centered and grounded. Im reminded that people do care and that one mistake doesn’t make me scum of the world no matter how loud my toxic thoughts screams it at me. Especially not when I am trying to be better and recognize the mistakes I made and even apologized before taking my break from most my contacts. No one has even called me that but myself cuz Im so quick to be hard on myself for any mistakes.

All I can do now is keep myself centered, allow myself to feel my complicated feelings and process them in a healthy manner, do my best to be better moving forward, and to be patient with myself and move at my own pace.

Hey if you got this far into reading, wow you must have a lot of free time! /lh jdkdjdhdjdhd-

That or you’re just really interested in how I’ve been. I’ve been called mysterious, aloof and hard to read before so maybe you wanted to know what actually goes on upstairs lol.

But either way here’s a little something for reading I guess. The words in the vent art is actually lyrics and this was the song I was listening too when I was making it. Additionally if you’re feeling sad and need a song to listen to try this, it helps me process emotions. Either way if you happen to stumble on this, I hope you get something form this and that you have a nice day.

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

I feel like that work flow is really good too!! Cuz it still gives you a future road map to write to ya know? I just dont know how peeps who write as they go without planning do it :'Dc

idk if its just me but I write like my stories backwards. Like there are various points in the story that I want it to hit but I leave very big gaps in between them, so I can fill it up later when I get a better idea for it. And because of the way I write it leaves a lot of plot holes I have yet to fill up, but recently I've been able to fill up a lot of them! :D See cuz despite the fact I've been workin on Signs for almost 4 years I've only been able streamline most of the story like late last year to right now- Last night in a sleep deprived haze I found a banger song (that I added to Leo's playlist) and I then got the best idea for a plot hole that's been plaguing my head for aaaaages. I really want to start on this passion project of mine but god Im like so scared that my skills dont match whats in my brain :'D

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

idk if its just me but I write like my stories backwards. Like there are various points in the story that I want it to hit but I leave very big gaps in between them, so I can fill it up later when I get a better idea for it. And because of the way I write it leaves a lot of plot holes I have yet to fill up, but recently I've been able to fill up a lot of them! :D See cuz despite the fact I've been workin on Signs for almost 4 years I've only been able streamline most of the story like late last year to right now- Last night in a sleep deprived haze I found a banger song (that I added to Leo's playlist) and I then got the best idea for a plot hole that's been plaguing my head for aaaaages. I really want to start on this passion project of mine but god Im like so scared that my skills dont match whats in my brain :'D

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

Low key Lux voice claim?? When I first heard the song it immediately made me think "Oh shit this voice would def fit Lux!!" Hence why I immediately doodles something for it But now that I looped it a couple dozen times it feels like something doesnt quite fit, like maybe if it was a tad higher pitch? Like Lux in my head is def suppose to sound very androgynous but you can kinda tell their voice is naturally higher. So you can assume that the voice they always talk in is something they have to project cuz its not actually their resting voice

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Also finally got a new hair cut and Im honestly really happy with it😌 Its literally just my usual cut but the shave is higher so its a lil more noticeable-

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

I need to draw something gay