hopelessdopefiend-blog2

[hopelessdopefiend-blog2]

[hopelessdopefiend-blog2]

December 14th 2018

I landed myself in jail on this day and it saved my life. 12/14/18 is my clean date, I haven’t picked up a drug since. This picture is a good representation of what my life was like at this point. A FUCKING MESS. I’ll never forget this experience getting arrested and going to jail...I’ll be telling ALL about it in this blog...

COMING SOON.

[hopelessdopefiend-blog2]

[hopelessdopefiend-blog2]

The first couple years of my addiction weren’t bad at all. Those first couple years were fun, really fucking fun actually. I’m not one to glamorize my drug use but if I’m going to tell MY STORY then I have to be completely honest. I didn’t use the drugs to hide feelings or a dark past of mine or anything like that. A lot of times you hear people’s stories and they have something traumatic that happened to them as a child such as molestation which led them to use drugs to forget their past. You have others that were so depressed and hated themselves so much that they used drugs to numb those feelings. Me on the other hand, I used drugs because I loved the feeling the drugs gave me. I first started using Percocet. Although I wasn’t trying to hide feelings or emotions behind the drug. It did turn me into a different person, even from the very beginning. It made me more outgoing, I was able to talk to ANYONE and feel a flood of confidence that I have never felt before. I loved it. Nobody could tell me shit about myself. I felt better than ever and had the confidence to back it up. I’ve never been a shy person. But, I did always have low self esteem. I’m not pretty enough, I’m too fat were some of my favorite negative thoughts daily that I had about myself. When I would consume the drugs, these thoughts would disappear COMPLETELY. It felt amazing. The high. The confidence. All of it. I fell in love instantly. This feeling continued for a couple years. The first negative experience that I had while using in the beginning was when I first realized I was addicted. It was all fun and games in the beginning. Popping pills on the weekend quickly turned into popping pills a few times a week...and we all know where it goes from there. I was now at the point of taking pills every single day. I couldn’t stop. I was no longer taking these drugs for the sole purpose to just have fun. I’ll never forget it, when I first realized I physically needed this drug. Me and my boyfriend had planned a vacation to Disney World and I knew THERE WAS NO WAYYYY I could bring these non prescribed pills on a plane with me, right?!? I knew I had to stop. No problem right? Ha, think again. I tried stopping a couple of days before my trip and I couldn’t believe the stomach cramps and pains I started feeling. Did I have a stomach bug or flu? What was happening to me? Why do my bones feel like their being crushed? I jumped on google and started researching my symptoms. FUCK. MY. LIFE. I AM NOT addicted. Addiction is not even a real thing...right? According to almost every article I read, I was most likely experiencing withdrawals.😳✋FUCKKKK. After doing some more research I learned that my body had become dependent on this fucking drug. I also, however, learned that if I were to take just one of those pills it would take away this horrible feeling that I was experiencing. It was like magic, within minutes I felt normal. Better than normal. I felt like I could run a 10k marathon. This was a bittersweet moment for me, I had instantly taken away what may have been one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced but at the same time I had to come to terms with the fact that I was ADDICTED. I had to figure something out. I was not going to go through with these withdrawals and ruin my vacation that was coming up. GOOGLE! again helped me out with a plan. People on the internet explained their ways of sneaking 💊 on a plane. I took someone’s advice and threw enough pills to last into an empty Advil container. I remember being so scared that I would get caught with these pills in my carry on bag going through security. You could probably see my heart ❤️ beat pounding out of my chest. But this wasn’t enough to stop me from trying. I guess in my head it was worth it to take the chance of possibly getting caught and going to jail. 🤦‍♀️ These bad decision making and choices only got far worse after this unfortunately. This was just the beginning of many far worse terrible choices I’ve made. And all for one thing, one little pill called Percocet.

[hopelessdopefiend-blog2]

The beginning

21 years old. I was 21 years old when I tried a drug for the first time. Looking back now, if I had known the life that I was about to live for the next 7 years after that first time I used I would have never tried it. I NEVER in a million years thought that I would fall victim to this thing called drug addiction. To be honest I didn’t believe in “addiction” at all. In my mind this was a word people used as an excuse for their drug use. I was ignorant to addiction because I didn’t have any family or friends that were addicts. The people I heard about were just weak willed human beings in my eyes that just needed a good excuse to continue getting high. Little did I know that drug addiction was not only real, but was about to become a huge part of my life. Actually...Let me take that back, this wasn’t about to become just a part of my life; it would soon take over my ENTIRE LIFE.