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[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

Lmao I had a huge crush on this guy in middle school and at the graduation ceremony his mom made him take a photo with me and he disliked me so much that he wouldn’t even put his arm around me for the photo.

Flash forward about seven years and this same guy is on his knees before me, BEGGING for me to let him eat my ass and suck my toes.

Be careful who scorn in middle school, they might ruin your life when you grow up.

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

Starfall. 🌌

I’ve been wanting to paint this scene for a loooong time, so I decided to just take a small break from freelance tonight and do a sketch. 😊 About two hours.

Prints are available on Redbubble.

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

I super love my customized shoes! These are my anime crushes/favorites. What do you think? 

Made by: David Sysing 

Shoes: Converse

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

Oh to be looked at by Eren Yeager

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

When he single handedly annihilated the scout regiment leaving only nine alive, eradicated an entire village, and plans on ending humanity...but his dad didn't play baseball with him.

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

And thats how the real story begin

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

He had to hurt the people he loved most in the world in order to save their lives

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

「進撃の巨人」The Final Season PV

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

My Hopeless Love Life: Part Eleven

I don’t even know anymore. So much shit has happened since my last post. We did go on a date. We painted in a park. I have his painting hanging above my bed.

He’s broke my heart so many times since then. Cliche. But he’ll text me out of nowhere and break up with me. And then text me a week later to “apologize” and I’ll beg for him back and the cycle will start again.

I can’t believe he thinks I cheated. I couldn’t even sleep with someone else in my dream. Literally, I had a dream during one of the weeks where we were broken up where I was making out with someone and they started to put their hands down my pants and I stopped because I loved him too much. I couldn’t even sleep with someone else IN MY DREAM.

This is such bullshit. Not that anyone cares, but I’ll update with more as I take time to process it all.

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

My Hopeless Love Life: Part Ten

I’ve been back to see him many times in the weeks since. Stayed the night a couple more times. Each time is amazing. We play with each other’s hair and kiss and have sex. We cuddle and hold hands and share things.

I thought I was in love with him before. But each time I learn more and more what it really means to love him.

Last time I was there he said “I love your back scratches.” My heart skips a beat every time he uses the words “I” and “love” and “you” together in a sentence for me. I can imagine him saying it to me. I dream of the day.

I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else. He told me and asked me the same. Of course I haven’t. I love him and no one else. We pinky promised. As we were leaving, he kept kissing me goodbye, one kiss after another. Like he couldn’t get enough. Like how he couldn’t stop eating me earlier that day. He asked me if I would see him again. I laughed and told him, “Of course! I really like hanging out with you.” And he said the same thing back.

Walking out the door I told him we should actually go out. Do something. He agreed. Said he’s just been real lazy these past few weeks. Said we should plan something and do it.

But let’s not forget that because I didn’t message him first, we went a week without talking. His snap score jumped over a 100 points in that time, and normally it rarely goes up.

But let’s not also forget that he promised to make time for me. That since 8am he was begging me to come over. How he likes my tweets. Important to me because he stopped liking other bitches tweets and I hope they go through his likes and see all my tweets there. 

For the first time, I feel really good about our relationship. I feel so hopeful. 

Hopefully, we’ll go an amazing date. And it will lead to more. And it will lead to him realizing he loves me. And it will lead to the rest of our lives together.

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

My Hopeless Love Life: Part Nine

So I was in town for that week but Nick wouldn’t see me. I came down again for a few nights and I had no choice but to ask him to hang out. Before I came down he said he misses me and then he was asking when I come down again so he can see me. He promised to make time for me. He invited me to his apartment because he was having some friends over to hang out and play video games. I wasn’t excited because the last two times we were in a group setting with his friends he basically ignored me. But I couldn’t say no. So I went.

And he talked to me. Whereas at the last get together he would move away almost every time I tried to sit next to him but that was not the case now. He sat on my lap for a bit. And then he kept putting his arm around me. And then he pulled me practically onto his lap and had his arms around me while he was paying video games. And he kept holding my hand. It was so sweet. And playing with my hair. All in front of his friends. And I don’t think he’s ever really talked to me to his friends and for him to so obviously show that he likes me in front of them was great.

He would kiss my cheek or forehead and call me a cutie. He kissed my hand too. All very sweet. Also he told me “you’re so pretty. I don’t say that often.”

He asked me to stay the night which the last two times I was over I ad to leave at like three AM. As people slowly trickled out he started cuddling with me in earnest. One of his other friends was also staying the night. He was kissing my neck and my cheek. And we were in the living room and then when they fell asleep he started fingering me and I went down on him and then we had sex in his bed. And OH MY GOD. It was soooooo good. So passionate. He wouldn’t stop kissing me. It was in my fav position for a while too (I wanted to do it for so long and tried with others but he does without asking and it works so well). After he told me “good game coach” and slapped my ass.

Then we cuddled all night and I played with his hair until he fell asleep. He told me “I love it when you play with my hair. It’s my favorite thing.” And then because he’s a guy and has to ruin everything, “and your butt.” But he can never keep his hands off me.

My feet were cold and he said that was nice and kept putting his feet against my mine which normally I find feet disgusting but it was actually nice. At one point he pulled me in real tight and close so that his hands were almost to his shoulders and said “I just want to hold you.” He kept telling me I’m cozy and how much he enjoys cuddling with me. He held me so tight.

Laying with him, being in his arms, nothing makes me happier. I was so content. Normally I don’t do well in group settings but I had no problem because I knew he was there with me. I had so much fun. He makes me insanely happy. He told me to stop by and “see his dog” before I go again so I’ve been messaging him but we’ll see.

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

My Hopeless Love Life: Part Eight

I came into town for like four nights to watch my dogs while my parents helped my brother move. I told myself I wouldn’t talk to Nick. My second night in town he swiped up in my story. I decided to respond just out of politeness. He responded back with an emoji. The perfect opportunity to let the conversation.

But my DUMB ASS responded immediately asking him to hang out. And he agreed. He invited me over (he moved into his own apartment a few weeks before). So I’m dumb and I went. I called my best friend to talk me out of it but I went anyways.

We were cuddling on his lovesac and watching Black Mirror. In his arms with is hands on me...I was completely at peace. Nothing bothered me. I was exactly where I wanted to be. I had no other wants in that moment.

I was facing him because I was telling me a story and he was staring at me some kind of way so I asked him “what” and he said “I really want to kiss you right now.” SO I kissed him. And we slept together. It was amazing. Literally the way I imagined it going is almost EXACTLY how it played out.

Also, he told me my nose piercing really suited my face which is great bc when he was in town and wouldn’t see me he said I had too many piercings and it wasn’t attractive. Also, he apologized for not seeing me while he was in town, said he was busy because his friends had other plans but he wanted to. Said he was glad I came over (when I first got there) and said that we should hang out more and it should be easier bc he has his own place now. 

I went over Saturday night too. He sent his boys home so I could come over. We hooked up again. Then I came back into town like a week later, I asked him if he wanted to hang out, he said we should get dinner. We spent like five hours planning where and when and who was driving and then like five minutes before he was all “I forgot I already have plans with a buddy.”

So I stopped talking to him. Then I post a story that I’m in town and he hits me up and at eleven he asks me to come over and watch movies with him. However, I knew I shouldn’t go so I have my keys to my mom and called my friend. For the first time ever, he initiated contact to ask me to hang out. And for the first time ever, I told him no.

But I’mm in town for a whole week so we’ll see how fast I cave, 

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

My Hopeless Love Life: Part Seven

In the time since Nick left, we’ve talked on and off. Nothing too serious. In April we talked for a few days and then most of his responses became emojis so I stopped responding. Then a few days later he messaged me and invited me to a party he was having and told me to invite some friends because the “male to female ration was off.” Of course I switched shifts with my coworkers so I could drive down Friday night, go to the party, and drive up Saturday morning. The drive is about 2.5 to 3 hours one way.

I stressed about my clothes for days, convinced my friend who was 21 who had never bought alcohol before to buy some and then we went. It was at Nick’s house so he was busy hosting, talking to everyone, and cleaning up the messes. He played beer bong with me, made me a pizza, played smash with me. Then he let some other girl stay the night.

We talk a bit in between and then about a month later his best friend invites me to his birthday party. Again, I rearrange my work schedule to go. I buy an outfit for the theme complete with accessories. Nick barely talks to me. Almost every time I would sit near him he would get up and walk away. He talked to me a bit, and always made sure I wasn’t skipped in the blunt rotation.

I got super wasted. I brought my cousin with me. Nick and most of his friends are Asian, and there were a few white people there. So my cousin and I were speaking in Spanish and calling him “amor de mi vida” and we thought we were safe since no one else at the party was Mexican. Well this dude who totally looks white sits down and starts speaking fluent Spanish with us. He is actually totally Mexican, Mexican name, tons of family in Mexico, and speaks fluent Spanish. Well we get to talking more and eventually I make out with him. Twice.

The next day I messaged Nick and was all “you send mixed signals.” Because the day before the party he swiped on the selfie I posted on snap with the title “Can’t go to bed, can’t get you out of my head.” It was about him, obviously. He said I looked hot. Said I was cutie. Said “you got the sauce ma.” But then at the party he would barely speak to me. He said he has mixed feelings about me and that he doesn’t know what he wants and he doesn’t want to lead me on. It was kind of a bad fight but he messaged me the next day acting like nothing happened so I rolled with it and we talked for a while. And then he was kinda rude to me again but I think we moved past it fine.

Well his friend has been talking to me and he’s so sweet. He actually puts effort into the conversation and into making plans. So I might sleep with his friend. Even though Nick messaged me all “I didn’t think kissing my homie was the way to get to me.” So sleeping with his friend isn’t the best idea.

But Nick is talking to two girls who I’ve known for FIFTEEN YEARS. That’s literally 75% of my life. This other guy and him aren’t even really friends, they just run in the same circle. I used to be really close with these girls and we just grew apart naturally because we went to different high schools and I moved away for college. I recently reconnected with one of them and she sent me screenshots of everything he said her. They haven’t talked in six years yet he opened up so much to her. More than he ever has to me. She brought me up and said he totally changed his tone. He was sending her like six texts in a row yet couldn’t open my snap.

So sleeping with his friend ain’t that bad. He clearly doesn’t want me so why should I sit around and wait for him?

On the flip side, he is coming into town this upcoming weekend. To see his other friend. But last time he told me that he spent the whole time with me. So maybe he will still me. Or maybe because of that he won’t. He said “We’ll have to see how it plays out” which basically means he wont put any effort into seeing me. Either way though I cleaned my room and decorated in just in case he will.

But if he finds out I slept with his friend, he won’t really want to see me. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s worth it to keep investing in Nick if all he wants is other girls and I’m just going to get hurt. But I also don’t know if I can give up on him when I believe him to be my soulmate. 

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

My Hopeless Love Life: Part Six

Its been a month exactly since Nick left. For a while, we were talking after. When he was here, he told me to hit him when I go down to the valley. I went down for Christmas. He had left some stuff at my house, nothing major, body wash and a charging cable and whatnot, and he said he wanted it back. I was only in town December 23 - 25. I told him I didn’t want to drop it off on the 23 since I had driven three hours to get to our hometown. He said he was too baked to get it from me. The 24 he said he was hanging out with a friend. I didn’t try on Christmas but he did message me first to wish me a Merry Christmas and complain about the stores not being open.

I went down this weekend too, the weekend of the 13. My boss convinced me to text him and ask if he wanted to hang out this weekend. He said, “I’m down! But I’m really busy Friday and Sunday.” He also said he might be getting sick as he was coughing up mucous. I told him to take mucinex and that I was thinking about Saturday anyways and he said that would work for him. But, to absolutely no one’s surprise, he bailed on me. I texted him Friday night to try and nail down some details and he responded three hours later all “I was just about to text you” to say he might be spending the night with a friend (this was probably 11:30 at night, how could he not know already?) and didn’t know when he would be back in town.

My only complaint is that he didn’t have to. He came to see me because 1) he had vacation time he had to use, 2) he wanted to get out of town, and 3) he wanted to get laid. I was just a convenient place to get all of that. Which is fine. But he didn’t have to be sweet with me. He didn’t have to be vulnerable with me. He didn’t have to kiss my nose and tell me how cute I am. He didn’t have to stop kissing me to smile at me and tell me I’m beautiful because, guess what, I would have slept with him anyways. He didn’t have to tell me how he’s always slept on me but that I’m actually a really great person and he’s glad he came to see me. He didn’t have to kiss my cheek just to be sweet. He didn’t have to kiss my forehead to say good morning and good night and good bye. He didn’t have to tell me that he wanted to hang out with me again next time I go down. He didn’t have to do any of this.

But he did.

And I don’t understand why. Why do all of that if he didn’t mean it? It wasn’t neccessary. Because there is a difference between being nice the person who is letting you sleep with them (both in their bed and in the sexual way) and being romantic. And all that was needed to get both was just to be polite and friendly. But he took it that extra step. And now I’m all fucked up for absolutely no reason.

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

My Hopeless Love Life: Part Five

Well, Nick did show. He’s just recently left and messaged me that he has returned home safely. I am unsure how to feel about the weekend.

It was amazing. Simply and absolutely amazing. We spent the whole weekend cuddling and watching TV shows and movies and music videos. We spent it getting high and laughing and having deep, meaningful conversations where I feel we connected on a deep and meaningful level. He was always telling me I was cute and he was constantly kissing my cheek and forehead and shoulders and neck. Not to start something, Just to be sweet. 

The first night he was here, I orchestrated our first kiss perfectly. I took him out to a local lake. Just as we pulled in we saw this awesome, bright shooting star. The stars out by this lake are insanely bright and you can see the milky way and lots of shooting stars. It was very cold and we were outside smoking a j and he kept pulling me closer to him, asking me to keep him warm. Then we walked down to the edge of the lake. It was fun, we laughed, he pretended to push me in and then instead spun me around and picked me up. He was carrying me and pretending to drop me. Once we got back closer to the car, somehow we ended up with him behind me and his arms around my shoulders. Then he asked me, “Would you be mad if I kissed you right now?” I of course said, “Not in the least bit.” So we had our first kiss under the stars our by the lake. It was wonderful but I kind of made it awkward.

We spent the rest of the night getting drunk playing super smash bros and then we hooked up for the first time. I was actually more drunk than I thought because there is much of it I don’t remember. Different positions, it ending awkwardly. But the next several times we did it was great. The foreplay was actually great. He did so many things that I liked and I only mentioned once to him. He is so damn hot.

We were also cuddling constantly. Always. And he was the one pulling me to him, asking me to cuddle with him. And he was always tracing his fingers along my skin or rubbing my back or whatever. It was not just idle cuddling. And I was always playing with his hair or doing the same back. And it was during this that he would do the cute little cheek or forehead kisses. And the whole time I was curled up with him or he was curled up on me, all I could think was how amazing it was, how this was all I wanted for the rest of my life.

He apologized for everything he did in the past, said how he was a bad person back then but he’s getting better constantly and would never do that now. Said that he never really gave me a chance before, never got to know me. That he is glad he did now because I am a cool person.

He shared things with me. And I shared things with him. Music. Art. Stories, Vulnerabilities. We laughed and talked and connected. If i thought I was in love before....

I go home in about five days for a short while for Christmas. He said he would like to hang out again then. We’ll see.

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

My Hopeless Love Life: Part Four

Between seeing Nick avoid me at the football game junior year the next time I saw him was the summer after I graduated high school. By this point, I had a boyfriend. For the most part we were good. I had a job at this optical office and it was pretty slow. On the days it was just me and my two friends working we just got high and did dumb shit. I would post this dumb shit on snapchat.

One day Nick swipes up and starts talking to me about it and eventually comes in. I actually don’t remember much about him being there. I remember getting high and looking at glasses but not much else. He came back in once and I remember looking at him and walking away and how I proud of myself I was for that. To this day, that is the last time I saw him in person.

Now, to the next summer. We talk a good amount. He tells me about a sex dream he has of me and we talk about going camping and hanging out. He flirts with me but I am hesitant to flirt back because I am still with my boyfriend even though I tried to break up with him four times that summer. 

I head back to college and finally have the courage to end things permanently with my boyfriend. Nick and I talk on and off and nothing serious. At one point, my sorority does a fundraiser where we sell tamales and I convince Nick to buy some from me.  This will be the first time I’ve seen him in over a year. I buy a whole new outfit, shirt, skirt, shoes, and jewelry. I buy new makeup and have my friend do my makeup for me. I get all dressed up to go see him to deliver these tamales and...he sends his brother out to get them for me. 

A few weeks go by and he starts talking to me on the daily. He starts flirting with me, always telling me i’m cute and pretty and sexy and I look like a snack and he wants to do bad things to me. He starts planning a trip up to see me. He seems serious. He’s talking about buying a switch so we can smash bros and buying shrooms and making a playlist for us to listen to on shrooms. He talks about how excited he is. 

Supposedly he will be here in three days. I do not know if he will actually show. I do not know how to feel. I do not know what to expect or how it will go and I am terrified of every single possible outcome good or bad. 

[hopelesslyunrequitedlove]

My Hopeless Love Life: Part Three

We went over to their house several more times, and I would like to stare at this point that EVERYONE knew how I felt about Nick. There was not a person who knew me or Nick and did not know. That is still true. I cannot help but tell everyone about him.

One time when my family was over for a family dinner, Nick was asleep upstairs and his mom wanted Owen to fetch him. Owen was lazy and just started calling Nick instead. He turned to me and said, “I’ll put it on speakerphone so you can hear too.” Everyone just laughed.

Nick kind of avoided me, during this time. But then the summer between eight grade and high school, we became close. I decided to text him one day not expecting much of a response but then he did. Pretty quick into the conversation he said he had to go because his phone was about to die. It was middle of the afternoon. I was sad at the obvious excuse but happy that he has bothered to respond at all. But then a few hours he did text me back. We texted constantly throughout the summer. I want to say just about all day every day but I’m not sure if that’s true or the way I want to remember it. We did hang out a lot. We would meet at the neighborhood pool or park, he’d sometimes come and sit with me and my family, I went over to his house a few times. Once, when we were at the pool with my friend, my friend wanted to leave and Nick held my hand and asked me to stay.

It was a good summer.I remember once at his house I was playing with his sister when he came to join. His sister didn’t have her own room she slept in their parents room. I was on her bed and he came and sat next to me and we ended up sitting with our legs touching, his hand bracing himself behind my back, my shoulder leaning into his. It was so easy to just be with him. I don’t remember if it was that same day or another time I was playing with Zoe in there that he joined but at some point, Nick and I had lain almost touching on his parents bed.

It was a great summer and I was sad for it to end. I knew Nick and I would have hardly any classes together in high school as mine were mostly honors classes. I’m not saying Nick isn’t smart he just didn’t apply himself well. Most of his grades in middle school came from me.

But in high school everything changed. He didn’t want anything to do with me. In fact, he was a straight up asshole. Once, in the snack line, a guy I was kind of friends with asked to borrow a dollar from me. Before I could respond, Nick walked up to him and said, “Dude don’t talk to her she’s a whore.” I was so upset. I did nothing to him. And, well I’m completely against slut shaming, but also, I never even kissed anyone at this point. Even if I had hooked up with a guy there was no reason to call me that name. But he would talk about me always. I remember once at a baseball game, a girl I didn’t know called me by name and knew my favorite color. When I asked her how she said it was because Nick had told her. Nick and I basically stopped talking. Sometime during sophomore year he stopped coming to school entirely. He ended up doing online school and graduating early.

Once, in junior year I think, I was at a football game. It was a good game, the student section was hype, it was actually entertaining. I was trying to convince Nick to show up. His house was probably a ten minute walk from the school. I was texting him and eventually he did decide to show up. He comes to the game, joins his friends, and ignores me. Me, who convince him to come.

One time, freshmen year of high school I believe, our rivalry football game was happening. This was in our old neighborhood when we were neighbors and it was a five, maybe ten minute walk to the rival school where it was happening. Nick was grounded but his mom said he could go on the condition that he walked me home after. Well, the game ends and Nick texts me saying his friends want to leave and he doesn’t want to make them leave so I should just walk home with his brother. 

His brother was real kind and walked me home with me. Only thing is, he was also walking his girlfriend home. I remember suggesting at one point that we stop and hang out. I think this was because Nick had called Owen and said something about where they were and I thought that if we stopped they would have to walk past us and then Nick wouldn’t have to make his friends wait in order to walk home with me. 

But they never do and eventually everyone gets worried that we aren’t home yet and we have to continue on our way. I round the corner and there Nick is, sitting at the end of my street waiting for me. Earlier he wouldn’t make his friends wait but now he’s ditched them entirely to wait for me. He walks me all the way back to my door, telling me how worried he was. I swear he was going in for a kiss when his friends came around shouting his name.