how-to-know-an-erin-blog

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

but

i try to recreate what

the sweep of your fingertips

across my skin felt like

but my fingers aren't yours.

i close my eyes and imagine

what we could be doing right now

with my cold body and your permanent heat

but im ice and you want water.

i make playlists

that i want to show you

as you kiss me

but you don't want to kiss me anymore.

i think of what

i want to tell you about me

because you said you want to know me

but i no longer interest you.

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

I wanted to be physically erased and start over again. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be there. I guess I wanted to be nowhere, I wanted to listen to my brain talk inside of nothingness. I wanted to be untouchable and have no need.

David Wojnarowicz, from Close to the Knives: A Memoir of Disintegration (via velvetnyc)

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

Black and White | Grunge

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

i get high

just so that 

for a little while 

i don’t feel low 

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

mom?

you’re right.

after these two years

two long years full of sadness and pain

i’ve truly come to realize

mother

that you’re right:

it should have fucking been me

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

will-ted

once

i swore i saw you

walking 

laughing

smiling 

living

breathing.

in that moment

my heart stopped too;

my eyes closed

i stopped breathing

and for a moment

i was the one

who is what you are.

i was the one who is 

dead

dead

dead

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

unlovable

i cannot imagine

anyone really wanting to be with me 

because even i

can’t stand me

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

I wish we could go back to the way we used to be. I miss us.

(via love-diaries)

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

dissapate

i’ve never wanted

to go out with a bang,

like how i don’t expect 

people to notice 

when i leave a room.

i am the burning ember 

left after your raging fire;

dim and extinguishing

as i fade silently,

hurting nobody

and changing nothing 

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

heavy

i am scared to feel 

because all i have ever felt 

is the weight of the world

and the icy ache 

of your absence 

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

erin dust

i tried to join you

tried to whittle myself 

down to nothing.

the shavings of me

sent into the universe, 

trying to find your matching pieces;

but people i trusted

wouldn’t let me

keep giving up pieces of myself

just to find someone 

who wanted to be lost 

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

daydreams

i often ask myself 

“why are you this way?”

not because i want to know,

or maybe even because i do,

but because if i pretend 

not to know

maybe i can still imagine 

you’re still here 

or even dream 

that i am not. 

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

trauma

if anyone can miss you

it’s me.

i miss you most

because all my memories,

a whole life’s worth,

have been ruined.

your warmth

your eyes

the smell of your shampoo

your laugh

our home

our blanket forts; 

everything i remember

reminds me

of cold, stiff hands

empty stares

and your silent, unbeating heart

[how-to-know-an-erin-blog]

skeleton

the only time i’ve ever been

happy with my body,

people couldn’t see erin

in that body.

in carving out erin, 

i lost her. 

i found my poison

and drank it too