Well I got my period this morning which probably explains why I felt like kxs last night
Bodies are magic!
0 notes
Challenging Thoughts
You want me to suffer
You dont expect anything of me
You dont think i can do anything
You think this is all my fault
You think you can decide everythibg for me
You dont know how hard i am trying to keep it all together
I could just kxs now if thats what you want but i dont do it because it would hurt you
Why should i bother trying if you dont like what im doing
I am doing a bad job of everything
I dont think everything would be better without me but i am havibg trouble doing this and it is getting too hard to keep trying
Yiu dont recognize how much work i have been putting in
Its not enough for you
I am only here because of you and i am not good enough for you
I want to cxs because i want to feel something different
I want to change myself
I want to be someone else
Cxs feels like a fine response to me but all pressure comes from outside
It doesnt hurt anyone else but it signals that i am feeling something and people have a problem woth that
Kxs feels like something to plan for that would have a finite timeline
Admitting i need help and asking for it would require several more steps
Asking for help, going away, being in a new environent
The unknown
And the biggest issue is that i have to have the energy and the brainspace to keep working towards... something
Ideally aomethibg better but what even does that mean
How can i know for sure it will get easier and better
I feel like i am already trying ao hard and obvs not doing a good job of it so i guess i should try something else
I feel like everything i do is for this other person and i need her to love me and to need me
And when she says i am not doing a good job or that she is disappointed it feels like she is rejecting me like she doesnt love me and doesnt want me anymore
I dont feel safe and supported and valued
I am being asked and expected to do things that are very hard for me
If i cant do it it feels like failure
But she already thinks im going to fail so anything less than 100% is 100% failure regardless of the effort i put in
I could put in all the effort, show up to the thing, be there with her, and she would be happy i was there and I would feel like i want to kxs
I dont tbink there is anything wrong with wanting comfort and stability and i think its reasonable i would want to avoid stressful environments
0 notes