hyperattack

[hyperattack]

Is He With His Dudes, His Side Chick, or in the Basement Practicing His Infinite Combo

DELAWARE – “HOPE SHE’S WORTH IT!!!” types Shelli Fernandes to husband, Miles Petit, who has gone unseen for the last 3 days.

“I was gonna send him a video of me smashing his PS4 with a hammer but that asshole must have known because I can’t find it!”

Fernandes said her husband had started acting strange after she caught him opening up a new sex toy with a joystick and three buttons. “Disgusting. Those buttons do god knows what. And you know what’s weirder? It had anime characters printed on the thing. Gross! It had to be a present for some whore named Felicia him and his friends were talking about. I’M DONE.”

*This is a stock photo and not at all what the article says. I’m sure they’re very nice people.

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Imbecile Friend Always Picks Fuze on Hostage in R6 but He's Your Dealer So

NEW YORK – “Oh fuck, we’re we playing Hostage? My bad,” Brooklyn native, Kendall Willie said as your team lost what feels like the 50th goddamn round in a row but it’s totally cool because he’s also your purveyor of fine green products. It’s fine, I guess.

“Dude, my bad, I was right outside the window where they all were in and it was just, you know, habit,” Willie says, never explaining why he’s still in your party when he’s already made your delivery like 5 hours ago. But it’s totally cool. He can hang out with you guys as long as he wants, I guess.

“Yo, you guys play Fifa17? I’m looking for people for my pro club,” he then asked while you wonder if those edibles were even worth it. I mean, I guess. It’s fine. He can stay.

*This is a stock photo and not at all what the article says. I’m sure they’re very nice people.

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Frustrated Satan Still Searching for PSN Name Not Already Taken by Middle Schoolers

NEW JERSEY – “Demon_King, Devil_Of_Flamez, Xx666ShadowxX, they’re all taken! What the hell is wrong with kids these days? Shouldn’t they be using superhero names like Batman or Iron Man or some shit?”

Expressing frustration by breathing fire onto some tortured souls in a pool of lava behind him, Satan couldn’t fathom why every combination of his name is already taken on PSN. Particularly by 12-year-old’s.

“Seriously, the education system in America needs some work if they keep pumping out middle schoolers who think it’s cool to name themselves HellSpawnzzz,” said Satan angrily as he bit off the head of a dude who stole gum from a gas station one time by accident. “That’s just fucked up, man.”

Satan even tried numerical puzzles and latin combinations. A practice his human conduits have been using for centuries only to find that they’re also all taken. 

“No way I have that many followers to use up that many names. Who am I? A food blogger?”

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Couple Who Met On Destiny Surprised Perfect Raid Plan Didn’t Work For Marriage

NEW YORK – Once insisting that nothing could be harder than organizing a perfect King’s Fall run on hard, local couple Dominic Faiz and Sue Cristen are taken aback at how much more difficult marriage is than playing the sci-fi video game, Destiny.

“Dom keeps fucking up. He’s supposed to mow the lawn at a perfect square exactly at the point where the sun hits the left corner of the lamppost by our house. And if he does it right like he’s supposed to, we’ll have exactly 106 minutes for a couple of episodes of Narcos,” said Sue. “I mean, Christ, we have even gotten to the Life Insurance set up part yet and it’s been hours!”

“No, Sue, you give me no respect. Like I didn’t fucking carry you to the lighthouse on Trials like three times!” Dominic chimed in. “Oh, and by the way, it’s faster to change our life insurance policy first and then do the lawn. Trust me, I did it with friends perfectly last time!”

“Friends?! Yeah right. Go fuck some whores on LFG! Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing,” Sue shouted back.

*This is a stock photo and not at all what the article says. I’m sure they’re very nice people.

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Incredible! Man Beats Dark Souls Without Healing While Also Missing Son’s Birth

NEW YORK – Bronx man, Jack Hill, completed a stunning Dark Souls 3 no-heal playthrough. “The key is a good memory. You have to know every single spell, tactic, and item placement in the game. I don’t think I missed a single ring or piece of armor. Did I? I feel like I forgot something. The chest after Pontiff Sulyvahn maybe? Nah.” he said, oblivious to the 47 missed calls and 36 text messages on his phone vibrating on the table.

When asked why he did it, Hill replied, “I love the challenge of raising a character from scratch and making it the best it could be. Plus, the Souls series has such a rich story about the circle of life. It’s all about civilizations crumbling and while a new generation takes its place. There’s nothing like it anywhere. At least I think not. It does seem familiar though.”

*This is a stock photo and not at all what the article says. I’m sure they’re very nice people.

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Area Fuckboy Reminisces To When Having “Xx” To PSN Name Meant Something

NEW JERSEY – Local fast food employee, Jason Cullings, who goes by multiplayer persona, “Xx_Obl1v1on_xX,” longs for the time adding X’s to usernames meant more.  

“It’s like kids today don’t even respect it,” said Cullings as he kicked newborn puppies relentlessly. “Back in the Halo 2 days, having X in between your gamertag, it was a sign that you knew what really mattered in life. And that’s no-scope headshots,” he added, spiking up his hair and straightening his Korn shirt.

“I was playing Rainbow Six last night and people actually got mad at me when I team-killed them. I couldn’t believe it.” Cullings said, complaining that maybe other people playing online didn’t know how it works. “World’s a different place now, man. But fuck them, I’m a man that sticks to his philosophies,” he said as he set fire to a children’s hospital.

*This is a stock photo and not at all what the article says. I’m sure they’re very nice people.