i-am-repo

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"If you can keep your head when all about you        Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,     But make allowance for their doubting too;    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,     Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,     And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;        If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;    If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster     And treat those two impostors just the same;    If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken     Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,     And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings     And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings     And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew     To serve your turn long after they are gone,    And so hold on when there is nothing in you     Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,        Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,     If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute     With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,    Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,        And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!"

IF- A Poem by Rudyard Kipling

[i-am-repo]

“While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.”

— Henry C. Link  (via goodideaexchange)

/facepalm Ok got it.

[i-am-repo]

I thought I’d take a moment to acknowledge how much of a bad ass mother fucker I am.

[i-am-repo]

Letter to potential counsel

I would like to establish a dialogue with someone about the thoughts that I am "juggling" and have conversations that are not subject to the restrictions and limitations that come with all of my social relationships. By having this ideal outlet for myself to express myself openly and freely without the drawbacks or consequences that may result from the mere fact that I am vocalizing my thoughts. I would like to have direct feedback and intellectual conversations that help guide my thinking process which ultimately give me the abiulity to establish self correcting, preventative, and coping  mechanisms that benefit my well being spiritually, psychoilogically, and metaphysically/existentially. I lack the relationships that I once had as well as find myself increasingly needing/wanting. As unbiased as possible, I self proclaim that my past and life experiences are abundant, complex, and are very difficult o relate to. I have done and experienced things that cover the entire spectrum of socially acceptance and have numerous "extremes" that are part of my historical and personal tapestry. Despite being able to verify the validity of my stories and experiences, I have been conditioned to not share my memories and life with others, because they have repeatedly fallen on deaf ears or are immediately dismissed as fictitious or chalked up to be delusions of grandeur. This leads to me feeling VERY misunderstood and often alone. I often find myself in disbelief of my own past, simply because of the absurdities, novelties, and very unprecedented details and circumstances of both th individual stories/moments/periods themselves and the entirety of all of them. I pride myself on having a "colorful" life, but struggle with the circumstantial and inevitable negative social aspects of said life. Finding a solution that satiates my desire to be understood and consequentially provides the degree of intimacy I strongly seek, while maintaining a positive social perception of myself as well as cultivating meaningful connections with others is one of my biggest goals and reasons for seeking out a therapist.

I typically have to "lean" towards individuals and crowds that could be dubbed as social delinquents, outcasts, misfits, and those that do not abide by politically correct social norms and behavior because there is a much more of a likelihood that I will not be subject to scrutiny that I do not agree with and do not desire to hear repeatedly. This act alone limits me to another typical characteristic that is coupled with this crowd, which is a lack of intellectual capacity or ability to comprehend or articulate. Individuals of this "character profile" have historicsally been much more accepting of who I am and provide me with a modicum of the sense of being relateable and understood, given that SOME facets of my personal experiences are mutually shared. But, again, despite all individuals having completely unique lives and the feeling or thought themselves being shared by others, i feel that the sheer complexity of my own is FAR TOO OBSCURE for anyone and everyone I come to meet. It must be noted that I don't share my life unless prompted to do so with a question, of which I currently do my best to curtail the entire truth and restrict my responses to a vastly limited answer. Based on experience alone, and although it is self proclaimed, this fate has the prognosis of being far beyond anyone's desire to care (especially during early phases of the development of any relationship), social or behavioral remedy, and leaving me with the agonizing problem of being either promptly or eventually labeled and perceived as pretentious, narcistic, arrogant, and/or a pathological liar. I can only hope..

[i-am-repo]

MUSTAAAAAARD!

Mustard. Just because.

[i-am-repo]

nod to that stage in life

“I will no longer mutilate and destroy myself in order to find a secret behind the ruins.”

— Herman Hesse, Siddhartha (via echymosis)

[i-am-repo]

"I imagine you find yourself in a difficult position now. Split down the middle... A strange, hybrid creature. Like a sphinx or Gamayun. As I am Ganesha or Minotaur. We are half-people. Ripped from the pages of some bizarre mythology, the two sides within us, human and crown engaged in a fearful civil war, which never ends. And which blights our every human transaction as brother, husband, sister, wife, mother. I understand the agony you feel and I am here to tell you, it will never leave you. I will always be half-king. My tragedy is that I have no kingdom. You have it. And you must protect it."

- Alex Jennings acting in the role of abdicated King Edward VIII

The Crown (Series, 2016-2023), Season 1, Episode 10: Gloriana

[i-am-repo]

chasing down my former subjugator - my burdens, woes, and ~ everything that weighed down the anchor that prevented me from reaching the surface of a pool I was drowning in.

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waiting for reciprocity

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Juggling concepts of cosmic relief and questioning if placing an ideal on a pedastool and learning that the ornate pottery of it was actually synthetic fiberglass - and if the ladder is something to tread over with any sort of pain involved. Why doesn't it bother me? The display served its purpose, but somehow knowing that it should have been simply put in the figurative museum archive years ago doesn't seem like a mistake... I will chalk it up to as an additional lens augmenting the magnification of my MACROscope of life.. at least for now? Something to pick apart.. Or is it worth it? Honestly, I don't want to mistake the paradox of knowledge actually being something to contrast ignorance being bliss for once with a coping mechanism. The saturation of color in my life and prospects of what could happen all more brighter in hue. Or maybe I am just losing it lol

[i-am-repo]

This one is for my boy Rusty. I'm going to miss you man.. thank you for all the laughs, Rest in peace Kevin Callender.

[i-am-repo]

preach

hearts of darkness (1991) dir. eleanor coppola, george hickenlooper, fax bahr

[i-am-repo]

synchronicity - a concept

Give me a Kiss

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enter the void

“The real environment is altogether too big, too complex, and too fleeting, for direct acquaintance. We are not equipped to deal with so much subtlety, so much variety, so many permutations and combination…. We have to reconstruct it on a simpler model before we can manage it.”

— Walter Lippmann, 1922 (via evocati-repo)

[i-am-repo]

“Brahman is all. From Brahman come appearances, sensations, desires, deeds. But all these are merely name and form. To know Brahman one must experience the identity between him and the Self, or Brahman dwelling within the lotus of the heart. Only by so doing can man escape from sorrow and death and become one with the subtle essence beyond all knowledge.”

— Upanishads, 500 B.C.