i-just-need-to-talk-2367

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

I just laughed so hard inside my head when a little girl just told me my drawing was cute. Not because I was laughing at her it was because I’m drawing Daisuke from mouth washing and I was planning on putting the axe wound on his head lmao

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of him. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of the way his brown eyes look at me. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of my hand in his blackish brown hair. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of looking at his face as he rambles about books. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of him messing with his tongue ring, nor the way he sticks out his tongue to show it off. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of the stars that he draws across his papers and arms. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of his laugh whenever I make shitty jokes. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of his voice that speaks about books, jokes, stories, words, compliments, insults, and hell even the brain rot. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of his side being pressed into mine when we sit or stand beside one another. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of rambles about the Riordanverse or Creepypasta. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of him singing to himself little snippets of songs that he likes to listen to. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing him wearing a new sweatshirt and telling him how nice he looks. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of his ‘your mom’ responses when I ask him ‘what are you doing?’ I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of his compliments. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of how beautiful and handsome and pretty and wonderful and funny and sweet and silly and nerdy he is. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of him.

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

Holy shit holy shit holy shit. My friend that I have a crush on got me these things as a gift for my birthday, they were Lego flowers, completely made. I mean. I’m just kind of flustered like really flustered that he even got me these and it’s like holy shit. Like it makes me like wonder like does he actually like me back or is this something platonic? Idk and it’s kind of making me freak the hell out a bit because every time I look at the Lego flowers in my room I smile and blush to myself and it’s going to make me go nuts. All I could think about this morning was him giving them to me and all I could think about on my way home was him as I held them in my hand so they wouldn’t break in my bag. Like one part of me wants to just brush this completely under the rug because it’s like- Not many people would be attracted to me period, and I’m just trying to get over it but the tiny sliver in me wants to believe it’s romantic and that tiny sliver is making me gush blood and it’s going straight to my fucking face. Idk what I’m gonna do because I’m just going crazy

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

He is my favorite person. I would give the world to make sure that he was healthy, happy, and safe from everything around him. But, I hate that I love him so much because it hurts that I know I can’t have him. I’m scared. I’m way to scared to ever even think of trying to get with him because he is just the perfect person for me and yet I still don’t have the balls to even compliment him at a random time. I talk to him all the time, all I ever want to do is talk to him and be near him and it’s physically killing me. Every time I say goodbye to him I get a hug and that hug is like the best thing ever because it’s just so wonderful and then when I walk away I just wish that I could hug him longer and longer. And now every damn night that stupidly lovely man pops into my head and I can’t sleep for the next hour because I fantasize about him holding my hand or cuddling with me or something sweet. Hell just the thought of him complimenting me makes me swoon for him and he doesn’t even need to compliment me to make me completely swoon. It’s driving me more insane than a fly buzzing in my ear. I also just kind of want to say good morning or good night more often to him when I go to sleep because I just think it’d be a cute thing so I can imagine him smiling as he turns off his phone and possibly think of me. It’s a really nice thought but it just ends up hurting more than it should.

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

All I want to do is tell my friend/crush that I love them over and over again but I can’t. Because it’s weird and I don’t want him to know that I like him because on the very massive chance that he doesn’t like me and I say something stupid that means I’d lose him as a friend and he’s the only person and another friend I’m comfortable around. My two other friends I feel like are mad at me even though they say they aren’t and even then I’m kind of upset at them because whenever they hang out I’m a try it’s wheel in that friend ship. So I only have my guy friend/crush and my other gal friend and I don’t know what to do anymore because I don’t want to tell my gal friend about my crush because I love her to bits but I don’t want it to get out even if it’s just mentioning it in passing, same with the other two friends but I don’t trust them as much to keep the secret. But I’m slowly losing it because it’s becoming more and more painful by the day to not say anything. This is only my second actual crush that physically hurts to think about. My first crush was some other guy that was probably manipulating me the whole time I hung out with him because he was also my friend but I don’t know anymore. It’s driving me up the wall and it’s making overstimulated till I actually hang out with my current crush and then everything feels fine until I see him make a certain face or move a specific way where my brain thinks it’s him getting away from me and then I have to keep myself in check once again to remind myself that hey he’s just a touchy feely kind of friend and your not special because he does this with everyone (ex. We like hold hands a lot and hold onto one another shoulders but like I said he does it a lot with people he’s friends with) and then I remember earlier today where we were messing around and my brain went onto fucking autopilot and when we held hands I decided it was a good fucking idea to kiss his fucking hand and he didn’t say a word so now I don’t know if he was uncomfortable or not and I can’t tell anymore but I don’t want to ask or apologize because I just don’t know and I would love to have a conversation to make sure I’m not pushing any boundaries but my nerves are already so fried from everything else that I would just end up making the conversation about me and not him like what the fuck is wrong with me?

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

Honestly all I need for my birthday is for my guy friend to become my boyfriend fr fr

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

I don’t think people realize how much I would do to myself just to be skinny. Hell I don’t know what I’d do if people weren’t always around while I eat. I’m just scared people would see me as desperate if I didn’t eat, it’d probably be better because of the foods that don’t make me feel sick to my stomach or uncomfortable are all shit in protein except for chicken (very rarely and usually boiled), steak and burgers on the grill that I make. Other than that I got pizza, pb and j, Mac n cheese (boxed without as much butter and milk), grapes, strawberries, pineapple, popcorn, ice cream, those tiny Hershey bar things that have 4 ‘bricks’ to break off, and tacos (higher cheese to meat ratio). Hell I can barely get out of bed to do any of that. Sometimes when I sleep in I just skip lunch and breakfast all together because I don’t want to get out of bed. The only good thing about my in take of food is the drinks because I only ever drink milk, water, and occasionally tea (from a bottle) & apple juice. Whenever I go to work out it’s only like 20 minutes of cardio until I hit a mile and by the end of it I almost feel dizzy and my head hurts but I just don’t want to feel like nobody will love me because I’m fat. That’s probably the main thing keeping me from anyone liking me, sure I have unlikable qualities like being clingy, randomly zoning out, and when I’m upset I’m really upset (not violent just shutting down completely, I don’t do it on purpose it just happens) but I can just tell because I’m a short little fat girl that’s about 105 overweight both because of my shitty metabolism, shitty good, and shitty covid. Hell not even a girl that’s likes chubby girls would want me because my face doesn’t make up for shit. It’s so fucked up because I could look at literally anyone, chubby or skinny and they’re drop dead gorgeous and then I look in the mirror and just see a fat ass. It fucking sucks. I just wish it would fucking stop. Hell I wish even more for somebody to just randomly look at me and say something about me being pretty, literally anyone at this point I’m so fucking desperate.

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

Nobody loves me and I don’t know if I deserve love anymore or not. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything significant to be worth loving. The only thing I have is my brains but those aren’t worth anything to me anymore. I’m used to be smart and I’m used to not being noticed at all. So whenever someone tells me how smart I am I don’t feel anything anymore, I don’t feel pride in myself I don’t feel proud anymore. I barely felt proud to begin with and now I don’t at all. It’s like a random fact that has nothing to do with you nor your interests whatsoever. Just a basic random fact, you don’t feel anything about it, it’s not mildly interesting. Nobody likes facts that aren’t interesting.

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

Happy new year. Is it bad that I’m just thinking about all of the people in relationships just thinking about how they’re at their house and just lovingly kissing eachother as the countdown goes off? How I feel this pit in my stomach where I just kind of know that I probably will never have a moment like that? Never have a lover to just even have near me during new years. It just hurts now, a couple of years ago, hell maybe even last year, I would have been fine. I wouldn’t have even thought about everyone else and now all I could think about is everyone having what I don’t. I hate it and I’m dreading Valentine’s Day at this point

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

I feel like I’m dying and that my heart is beating way too fast fast and I just need to vent and I want to vent to my friend but I don’t want to bother him because he has far worse things to worry about and I want to vent to my other friend but I feel like I can’t trust her right now and I feel like I’m gonna die alone but I don’t wanna die alone yet I don’t wanna die at all but even then nobody wants to die but I don’t want to live forever because if I live forever then everyone else will die and I don’t want anyone else to die but if I die I don’t want anyone else to be sad that I’m dead and I just feel really right in the chest and I feel like crap but I can’t say anything or else someone will say that I need help but I don’t need help and if I get help I’ll probably be put on meds but I don’t wanna be out on med because then if I’m put on meds then I’m not gonna be happy and outgoing and fun and funny and I can’t do that I just can’t do that I can’t be a sad little shell of a human being just because I’m a little bit hyperactive and stressed and anxiety ridden that no reason for anything and I can’t go on meds I don’t wanna go on med it scares me to even think I might need meds but I don’t think I need meds but if I even think about them it’s like oh fuck me I guess and then everything gets worse him my head and I don’t really know what to do anymore because I’m kind of loosing it and I kind of sound fucking nuts and my heart is beating to fast and I smell like shit because I’ve puked my guts up all of yesterday and I haven’t changed clothes since Monday and I haven’t taken a shower in god knows when because I feel so tired and exhausted and it’s driving me fucking nuts because of how bad I fucking smell and it’s making everything feel worse but then I can’t get up off the bed and since I feel stuck to my bed I feel like a lazy sack of shit who can’t do anything fucking right even though I do everything else around everywhere and even then if I do something good in my life I don’t feel anything anything at all and I don’t know why I don’t feel anything whenever I get compliments or I do go and I get praised for it i don’t know if it’s just some weird part of my brain that’s just kind of shit off or something but it drives me up the wall because I want compliments but I can never take them because sometimes I feel like I’m being lied to or it doesn’t matter because I’m smart and I always do stuff like this and the on my good part about me is being smart because I’m fat and ugly and the only good thing about me is that I’m smart and nobody’s ever gonna love me because it doesn’t matter how nice and smart you are because everybody just wants someone who looks pretty but nobody looks at me and thinks that I’m pretty it’s never happened and I know it’s never happened because I’m fucking gross and disgusting and I can’t take it anymore I say this all the time that I can’t take it anymore but then I have to I have to fucking deal with it because I have to because otherwise I’m fucking nothing and I’ll never be anything unless I’m smart and nice because that’s the only thing that I fucking have anymore

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

TW VOMIT

Having the stomach bug is the fucking worst. You’re getting up every 30 minutes to go throw up and you barely have any water at all. The first time you throw up it’s fine, it seems like it’s over before it really began. The second time it’s like oh finally. The third time you realize that oh shit yellow vomit is gonna be forced out of your mouth, your abdominal muscles trying to push everything out of you to the point your just coughing and gagging with the slightest bit of spit escaping you mouth even though you’d been hacking up a storm for the past 10-15 minutes.

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

I hate myself, I hate everything about myself. I hate that I’m fat, I hate that I’m ugly, I hate that I’m smart, I hate that I care about everything, I hate that I’m sensitive, I hate that I’m kind, I hate that my teeth are slightly yellow, I hate how I can barely get up to shower, I hate how tired I am, I hate that nobody will ever love me, I hate that I can’t just shut the fuck up, I hate that my friends probably don’t even like me, I hate that I’m a freak, I hate that I’m a nerd, I hate that I wish I was someone’s first choice, I hate that I’ll never have teenage love, I hate that I can’t sleep a friendship for more than a year, I hate that I cry a lot, I hate that nobody understands me, I hate that I’m mature, I hate that I have stretch marks all over, I hate my style, I hate how I can barley get out of bed sometimes, I hate that I can’t have normal interests, I hate that I know something is wrong with me but I can’t say anything about it or people think I’m faking, and I just fucking hate that I’m me. God if he/she’s there please just make me someone fucking different. Someone normal please because I can barley fucking take this anymore

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

Is it bad that I fucking hate Christmas? Like everyone always asks me what I want and I don’t want anything but I don’t want to get nothing because I know I’ll feel left out but I don’t like getting gifts and I’ve said this maybe three of four times and everyone is just like ‘Why’ but if I try to explain it to them they don’t get it and then it’s my fault. But then everyone always gets pissed at me whenever I say I don’t know and then someone yells and then I freeze up and I can’t do anything for the next minute and just stand there like a fucking moron because then I’m ’storming off again’ and it takes everyone so much faster to forgive one another but it takes time for me but I don’t even get the chance to just regain myself because then I’m being a bitch.

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t alive. But not in a suicidal way. Just in a way that I wasn’t here, like I want to exist but be something more majestic or better or something that I worth something. I might be smart but that is all I have. I know that’s all I fucking have and I should be grateful but it’s no use being smart if nobody fucking likes you. Hell I’m pretty sure my friends don’t even like me. And I don’t mean that in an anxious way, I mean where I feel like I’m left out of some inside joke because they are better friends to eachother than I ever will be. They like everything eachother likes and me? I’m the nerdy freak. Sure there are other nerdy freaks (non-derogatory) my age but sometimes they’re just too much. And the others that are older I can’t ever relate to because they’re doing everything else that needed for their part of life. I would fucking kill to have a life where I just existed and I was happy. Happy for once in my damn life where I don’t feel numb or selfish or anything all the damn time nor have to make anyone else happy besides myself.

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

The worst feelings is when I’m looking at something wholesome with a really cute couple and then remember that nobody is ever going to love me in the way I want them to. Nobody is ever gonna just want me to lay on their chest and play with my hair, nobody is gonna wanna lay next to me in bed and give me kisses all over, nobody is gonna shower or take a bath with me, nobody is going to take care of me when I’m sick. Nobody wants me. Nobody has ever wanted me and nobody ever fucking will. I’m gonna fucking die alone and I should already know that but sometimes I remember that and it’s like oh shit I’m actually right

[i-just-need-to-talk-2367]

Do you ever just feel fucking useless?