i-may-be-paranoid

[i-may-be-paranoid]

answered "are you mad at me" with "I mean yeah but I'm not gonna let it ruin everything" today 🎉 #brave

[i-may-be-paranoid]

Nick Tobias, from Blind Man's Bluff by @ladyred-ms: a web weave

the absolutely true story of a part-time indian, sherman alexie | unknown | the boy who blocked his own shot, brand new | unknown | nothin.last4ever | places i've taken my body: essays, molly mccully brown | abject permanence, larissa pham | unknown | beloved, yves olade | wolf hall, hilary mantel | cop car, mitski | demonevil | bright dead things, ada limon | tongues & teeth, the crane wives | unknown | first love/late spring, mitski | unknown | azra t | nothin.last4ever | unknown | a letter to stanley pennell, martha gellhorn | uknown | everyone i love is a stranger to someone, annelyse gelman | vulnerability, a.j | clockwork princess, c. clare

[i-may-be-paranoid]

I'm using this as a reaction pic now btw

[i-may-be-paranoid]

unfortunately I can be bribed into overlooking slights (such as being made to wait all day to go out only to get left behind and then cancelled on hours after the agreed-upon time) with food

[i-may-be-paranoid]

today im thinking about my many many desires. no i wont be communicating them you stupud fuckinggggg idiot

[i-may-be-paranoid]

love when a mother asks if they have ever done anything to hurt you. ma'am, you will literally never be ready to have this conversation

[i-may-be-paranoid]

starving

[i-may-be-paranoid]

"is that okay? is that okay?" does it matter? you're doing it anyway. why the sudden concern?

[i-may-be-paranoid]

painting this on the ceiling above my bed so it's the first thing i see upon waking in the morning and the last thing i see before falling asleep at night

[i-may-be-paranoid]

okay

[i-may-be-paranoid]

would it make you feel better if i told you there was no way back?

[i-may-be-paranoid]

DO I SEEM ANXIOUS TO YOU??? DO I SEEM BACKED INTO A CORNER??? AS IF I HAD TO MAKE A MOVE BUT YOU COULD TELL I DIDNT WANNA

[i-may-be-paranoid]

yes I bled all over your perfect white carpet but my blood is actually pretty awesome you should be excited to live with my awesome blood

[i-may-be-paranoid]

it's so wild when your parent changes when you become an adult. my dad is very cordial and non confrontational - he regularly helps me with adult stuff like changing the oil or providing insurance tips. he's always smiling when i call him on video and providing jokes when i complain about college

when i was a kid, i would have to tiptoe around his anger issues often, sometimes running quietly past his work table until he got his own place completely separate from our family, locked away for days. every so often he would start screaming in the car and trying to hit me or my brother for talking too loud while my mom attempted to calm him down as he swerved on the road. and now he, smiling, helps me with car insurance.

like oh, this is just who you are when you have power over someone, and this is who you are when you dont have power over someone. no wonder you can have a normal life, friends, work while scaring the shit out of your kids and wife. i see it now. i see why no one would have believed me. that, i think, is one of the core fears of trauma - seeing the outside of it from the perspective of other adults that brushed you aside, and understanding. of course, that understanding gives the opposite of solace; it just gives you more grief with nowhere for it to go

[i-may-be-paranoid]

what if i'm just lying about everything?

what if i just made it all up?

IT WAS REAL! IT WAS [cut off] LET YOURSELF ACCEPT IT FOR ONCE PLEASE

[i-may-be-paranoid]

we're all rooting for you / a version of you that doesn't exist

[i-may-be-paranoid]