i-write-things-sometimes

[i-write-things-sometimes]

Better Off Alone (Part 3)

context: mc gets the closure she needs from the mortkranken and frostheim ghouls READ PART 1 HERE READ PART 2 HERE

mc pov: feminine 3rd person (she/her), as a majority vote from y'all, frequent scene changes marked clearly

content warnings: conversations, mentions, and consequences to attempted suicide; the consequences of depression, self-depreciation, and general mental unwellness.

author notes: we can now safely add the "mc x tokyo debunker" tag LMAO hello pain and angst. this is a hella long one at a word count of a whopping ~12k. I LIED GUYS I DECIDED TO BREAK THIS ONE UP INTO PARTS CAUSE OF REASONS LISTED AT THE END. so Better Off Alone will likely be 7 parts long, that's including both ending branches :) (i will make the note in advance that if any of the actions of the characters in this feel ooc, that rash actions of a loved one can cause a person to act in that manner. i've done my best to convey what each personality type may do in response to the actions taken in part 2. :)c there's a reason for the witnesses audience at the end of it.) THIS TAKES PLACE AFTER THE EVENTS OF CHAPTER 7 BUT BEFORE CHAPTER 8 (so mc knowledge reflects that)

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The whispers and murmurs of soft voices out of reach of her ears caused the gentle dark that took her from the world to fade back into the drab, bleak, walls of the infirmary. Her view was grey, color drained from every surface - even the blue of the ventilator mask looked less saturated. Her eyes adjusted slowly, turning to the three figures standing some distance away. It took a good while for her brain to register that she was still alive. Still here. Still in pain. Still stuck in this horrid place. Still...

"...where...?"

Her voice was soft, audible only to the closest to her. Even the ruby red eyes that followed the sound lost their luster, when they came within sight. Jiro walked away from the conversation with Yuri close behind. She closed her eyes, choking back a sob, tears parting down her face.

"...why...? Please..." She could barely force the words out. "...don't make me suffer like this... I... I can't..." "Does being around us hurt you this much?" Even with the painful structure of the question, Jiro's blunt question was spoken with his usual dryness. He slowly reached for her hand, she noted the uncharacteristic tremble in it - the shaking of anxiety. "We..." He couldn't finish his own sentence for once, the words lost on a tied tongue, held back by the fear of misspeaking. Yuri did so for him, near collapsing to his knees at her bedside.

"We could have lost you..." The way he hid his head in his arms against hers, struggling to keep in tears of his own. She spoke her mind for once, spoke up to defend herself, however strained it was. "That was the whole point." The words made them both clench their jaws shut. Of course it was the whole point. To leave it all behind. To start over somewhere else, wherever the dark took her. To be free of the shackles of her bodily prison. Despite the conviction to leave life behind, of course she felt guilty - she felt like she had no choice in the matter, no say in what she should do with her life, especially with the single quiet word that escaped Yuri's lips.

"Why?"

There were a million different things she could've answered with, that she wanted to answer with. How painful it was to be taken down peg after peg, knocked the wind from her lungs, swept her three legs from under her; how painful each word was, the bruises left to her esteem, the realization that this all wasn't worth it. Her time at Darkwick was better than it was before, but not like this. At least before her curse, she could pretend to be well and fit in with her peers.

"...I wish I could tell you." She finally looked past them, her mind finally giving in to the acceptance that she would stay like this. There were flowers, cards, tributes to apologies she found empty.

Of course they'd care when something useful could be taken from them so quickly.

The sharp sigh of broken glass left her mouth, the barest hint of a laugh followed. Something sad, full of the painful truth. "Sometimes... the sticks and stones would be a better option than words. I live in a world where pain is my only friend, what's a little more?" "Are we not your friends?" Jiro hummed out the words. "Pain doesn't make for the best one, in my experience." "..." She shook her head slowly. "...you're my doctors. It'd a conflict of interest if you were my friends." "Of course it'd be a conflict of interest! Did you ever consider that some of us want that conflict?! That we'd-- that I'd--"

Yuri jumped to his feet with his voice raised, arms wound to hug himself. Her eyes only snapped to him, but she made no mention of being startled - confused, maybe, but the loudness of his voice sparked no emotion in her. Yet again, the guilt took ahold, took her hand as she had taken his before.

It doesn't matter what I do, I always hurt everyone around me...

It was like he could read her mind, see the words written in her eyes like a teleprompter. He closed eyes to think of the words, the apologies, the grit of his teeth kept the dam of every wrong thing to say back. He couldn't apologize for feeling this way. He wouldn't apologize for it. So he kept the words to himself. Changed the subject.

"Everyone felt this way." "A useful tool discarded would anger anyone." "A--" He clicked his tongue to keep himself from yelling again. "...Is that all you think yourself to be?" "...maybe you two are the outliers." "And those second-years from-" He exaggerated the disgust in rest of his sentence, if only to see the quirk of a smile in the corner of her mouth again - thankfully, it worked. "-Frostheim?" It only led her to sigh again, turning her eyes to the ceiling. "Feigned. Play pretend to curry favor."

"What use does currying favor have, if you were on leave for an indeterminate amount of time?" Jiro finally spoke again. "What use does seeking us out have? Lucas seemed adamant on taking your work to you." "..." She shook her head. They both knew no amount of proof could make her change her mind - someone so stuck in the mire of their thoughts, knowing nothing but the sting of distaste, the burn of betrayal, the suffocating need to disappear. "Please... just... I don't want to..."

After the longest pause, nothing but the sound of the machines attached to her and their breathing. He spoke the one word she never expected him to. He breathed it out, it was spoken with the most sadness and hesitation she had ever heard from him.

"Okay."

Yuri's attention whipped to him. "Absolutely not!" "She wants it. What we say won't matter. We should respect that." "No no no! I--" "Yuri." How was he supposed to salvage this? Tell her to live with the pain? Tell her to suffer for every moment of her existence until she tricked herself into believing it was all okay? His face turned away from her to hide his tears, though they only fell on the meager apologies written in the gifts that laid upon the table nearby. The news spread to the ghouls and no one else, instructions to not leave anything extravagant or anything that drew too much attention were given. It was surprising that no rumors had spread other than "she wasn't feeling well", that no one uttered a word about it. That should have been proof enough that they cared.

He had to craft an idea. Craft a way to make her see that she was worth more than useful tool, worth more than a stepping stool, worth more than the ridicule. "...Okay..." She let out a sigh of relief. Finally, freedom. "But. They all have words for you. Think about the choice... please... please think about it. Hear what they have to say, then tell us... and..." He had to believe it would be enough. He had to believe the closure would give her the strength to carry on. "..." She thought about it. What was there to lose? She didn't really want to hear what excuses they had for her, but if it meant seeing the end of this... "Alright... but. One-on-one. I have the right to kick them out. I'll give them a chance... one chance. One collective chance."

She already knew at least one of them was going to screw the others over. At least two, maybe even three. Even Yuri knew she was tilting the game in her favor. As much as he didn't want to, he had to trust that even the most condescending and forgetful of them would say the right things. Or at least skirt by with an acceptable thing. "...very well. It was recommended that you write thank you cards for everyone - you can use them to tell them to come here tonight." "Yuri... thank you."

If he heard that thank you under any other circumstance, he may have felt good about himself. But this one only made him hurt worse. This one only made the pit in his stomach grow larger. His eyes flicked to Jiro before making his quick exit - he wasn't sure how much longer he could live with the feeling, himself. Jiro nodded at him and brought the empty cards and a pen to her, helping her sit up. He sat by patiently as she wrote each letter. Every one of them ended the same.

"Please, just let me go. Say your piece after dark and let me go."

But each one started differently for each person, words she always wanted to say but never could. Then, came the rules, which she wrote for Jiro to take with him.

+++ ++ + ++ +++

"Rule 1: Everyone must be here before anyone can come inside." Jiro read to Yuri, which only made him nervously tap his finger against his arm. He didn't want to be around every hooligan on campus, let alone anyone he'd ever deem worthy of being by her side. Yet, if he and Jiro alone couldn't help her... if even the mere mention of having friends elsewhere couldn't help her...

He was more than surprised to see the Frostheim ghouls there first, of everyone. They were so early, in fact, that the sun had yet to fully set. Worse yet, it was Jin that made it there before anyone else. Jiro repeated the rule for him - an annoyed "fine" was all he got in response before striding back to the other three. Yuri wanted nothing to do with any of them, which left Jiro in the unfortunate position of organizing everything.

None of the rules said any of them had to get along.

Though it wasn't very lucrative for them to fight either.

"Rule 2: I'll see everyone one at a time, organized by house. Mortkranken first, Frostheim, Vagastrom, Jabberwock, Sinostra, Hotarubi, Obscuary - in that order. Rui must be last in line. Otherwise, whatever order is fine." He managed to sort everyone out - though the most surprising of it all was the fact that everyone did show up. Though it was more likely that both Leo and Taiga got dragged there by their ears by the others.

"Rule 3: Once someone exits, they aren't allowed back in until dawn." "Rule 4: I reserve the right to have someone removed from the building for any reason." Jiro read the words out loud for everyone. If anyone told her that this would have been the outcome, she would've called bullshit. At first it was somber and silent, barely a word spoken. But with 13 12 people (and an ancient doll), it was hard to keep it that way - especially when someone in the line complained about being hungry.

She would've called even deeper bullshit if she heard that all of them were sharing a meal together in one place, conversing to an almost natural degree. While no wrongs were righted and there was still violent tension in the air, everyone made the silent agreement to not speak anything to strike flint against stone.

"Lastly, rule 5: I may give special instructions to someone, and I expect them to be followed like the rest of the rules."

"Ugh. Couldn't get any more bossy could she?" Leo rolled his eyes, but that earned him a smack upside the head. "Hey!" "Quiet." The discontented stare from Alan only made him roll his eyes again. "That's harassment." "Gahaha! The younger ones love throwing that around, don't they?" Haru's laugh cut through the chatter, out of place though it was. "Don't lump me in the same group as him." Ren never looked up from his phone. "That's harassment."

Jiro glanced over at Yuri, still pacing back and forth, refusing to speak to anyone else; after reading the rules. "I'll go in first."

+++

"Jiro, you've been at my side since my second day at Darkwick. You've always helped me. Were always honest and straightforward. You've never given me a reason to not trust you. I wish there was a way I could do this without betraying you. A way where I wouldn't force you to feel the pain of loss. If I choose to leave, I want you to seek a friend elsewhere. Hotarubi might be a good place to start."

+++

His footsteps echoed against the empty walls, the bright overhead lights were switched off to not attract the attention of the staff - though with the crowd gathered outside, the point may as well have been moot - with the only source of sight being a pale glow from the moonlit window.

She could have guessed he would be first to walk through, with Yuri too busy gathering his thoughts and the need for someone to be at the ready to enforce the rules she set. She kept her eyes on the ceiling and only looked over at him once he sat down in the chair beside her bed.

"...You can speak your mind, Jiro. Any thoughts, it doesn't matter what they are."

He was silent as he sorted through them. It was already strange to have enough of them to sort out, now it was to prioritize them. What was the most important thing he wanted to tell her? What would he regret not saying the most? He knew what it was - and while he wasn't flustered in the same way he knew Yuri would be, it was difficult to get it past his teeth.

He didn't know why.

Yes, he did.

The words he'd regret not saying the most would be the same words he would regret the most to say. He stared at her with garnet eyes, pomegranate seeds dripping to her hand as he took it in his.

"I love you."

She blinked at him, mouth agape. She did say that it didn't matter what they were, but she wasn't sure if she heard that right.

"H- Huh?" "I don't think I've ever felt fear before. I... don't like it." He covered his mouth, the thought of it making him ill all over again. It took extreme willpower to choke it down while sprinting to her dorm, to swallow it down while helping Yuri stabilize her breathing - but now, when the image comes back to his mind... the sight of her body hanging freely by the noose she fashioned for herself, eyes open and staring at him from the window like the head of a fish judging the man eating it... he was certain it would haunt him for every sleeping - maybe even waking - moment of his life.

"You'll forget it, I'm sure..." "But I won't forget you. Even if I wanted to." He shook his head slowly. "Which I don't."

She let out a soft sigh, a pitied smile directed towards him. She wanted him to, badly. Even her eyes said that.

"I won't." He spoke with such unwavering conviction that she couldn't help but believe him - as much as she didn't want to. "I hope you can forgive me, but I won't forget you. I love you too much to." "Jiro... I..." She closed her eyes. He really was putting her in a difficult spot. "...I'm not sure if what you're feeling is love." "Yuri says it is." "I-- what?" "Unless he was wrong. Unless there's another word for it. The feeling of wanting to be at your side every moment I'm awake. The feeling that everything I do is worth it, if I get to see you sooner. Thanking every moment that I get to see you smile, thanking every moment that I'm there to hold you when you cry."

She couldn't think of another word for it. Love definitely was the correct word. She shook her head, but made no comment. Of course she'd hurt someone who loved her. Then again, it was inevitable where the loss of a life was concerned. He continued despite her runaway thoughts.

"The wish that I could've remained in your dorm with you throughout all of this. Though Yuri says that would be inappropriate."

Those thoughts skid to an absolute halt. "H- Heh!?"

Her reaction had him laughing. It was a laugh she never thought she'd get to hear again before she died, that alone-- no, it wasn't enough, but...

"Yuri gave me the same expression when I told him. Speaking of... I shouldn't take up all of your time, as much as I want to. Just... know that I'm sure everyone out there feels the same in some way." "I... wouldn't say that." He only offered a soft smile as he stood up, pressing his lips to her forehead before turning to leave. "Oh... one more thing..." "H- Hm?" "Is there a reason you told me to talk to Hotarubi first?" "No... I just figured they'd be the most welcoming of all of them." "I see... Okay. I'll talk to them if you're gone in the morning."

+++

"Yuri, I don't think I could've had a better doctor than you. You fought for me when no one else would, you stood up on my behalf, got angry for me, took matters into your own hands. I'm sorry that your efforts led you here, I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger for you. I'm selfish for asking one more thing of you. If I'm gone in the morning, I want you to attempt amends with Frostheim. It doesn't have to be anyone specific, just one person."

+++

Yuri's footsteps were as rapid as his thoughts. He wanted to be at her side quickly - he wanted to steal her time away, keep her for himself at his side and...

When he saw her staring at the ceiling, breathing softly, he briefly considered never leaving at all. If only to keep her breathing. If only to make sure her pulse kept beating. Even if it meant her losing trust in him, even if it meant her hating him for the rest of her...

...her miserable existence. and she called herself selfish...

He took a seat beside her and inhaled deeply. "I..." She waited patiently. She always was with him - patient, that is. "...I'm sorry I yelled at you." It was out of character for him to apologize, but if that's what it would take to keep her here by him. "It's okay. I was more surprised by your words."

The expression Jiro had accused her of found its way back onto Yuri's face. "I- I--" He shut his mouth to keep from embarrassing himself further. "You aren't going to deny it?" "Why would I!?" "You... want the conflict of interest?" "Yes! I-- mnk." He leaned his head forward to hide his face. His voice turned to a whisper. "You're my favorite patient." "I think you mean specimen." An agitated huff escaped his nose. "No, Jiro is my favorite specimen." "I think you mean friend." He grumbled something intelligibly. Then let out another sigh.

"I know what I mean. Don't put your thoughts into my mouth." The surprising sternness of his voice quieted her, it was rare he ever got firm with her like this. Every time, she would attribute it to the same way a doctor would scold a patient - but after Jiro's words, now, it all sounded more like a partner scolding their loved one. It only tore her heart to pieces. Two people she betrayed like this. The guilt wracked her chest and weighed her lungs down, it was crushing.

"Yuri... what were your thoughts?" "My thoughts don't matter. They won't change your mind." "Maybe... but you told me to think about it. To give you a chance. Plus, it's not like you to keep your thoughts to yourself." He lifted his head slowly to look at her - his eyes fell to the bruise on her neck, his hand reached towards her. He retracted it, as if fearful that she'd shatter at his touch. He was trying to find the words to his racing thoughts. Find the words that ran away from him. He didn't know what he was thinking - and he certainly wasn't going to admit that.

He took off his glove, then reached back to brush his bare fingers against her neck. She froze, all the quips she wanted to make now stuck in her throat - the moment she thought he couldn't step any further outside of his comfort zone. "This must hurt you as much as it does me seeing it." His thoughts spilled out quietly. Sure, the color of his face made him look like a white rose Alice painted red, but it didn't stop the flood of thoughts he uncorked with just that one. "I was... so scared, so... I felt so helpless, powerless. I could bring you back from unconsciousness but... what if we weren't so lucky? Even just a few seconds too late... we-- I could have lost you. Either to have found you dead the next morning, or worse yet, you dying in my arms. God, I..."

His hand dropped to her shoulder, mimicking the motion of his head as he coughed out a sob, as his tears came back in spite of himself. "You just forced your way into my heart, gripped onto it like a vise. My thoughts refused to let you go, and it made me so... so... how are you doing this to me? I don't understand." She lifted her hand to take his off her shoulder, holding onto it gently. His words weren't enough, but they still made her smile. He barely registered it. "Why can't I just say it..." "Say what?" She wanted to see just how lost into his thoughts he was, bringing his hand up to gently press her lips into his fingers - something soft to soothe him quietly. "I... I- I can't... what if in the morning you're not there? What good would it be to tell you and then... never... see you again..." "To give you closure." "I love you."

He blurted it out, even if it wasn't the best time for the response. If he didn't, it would have stuck to the roof of his mouth like gum. It was afterwards that made him stumble, that he stuttered so much that he could barely get a word out - let alone a single letter.

"Thank you." "You're welcome!" He snatched his hand back and turned himself away, ready to leave. His response made her laugh softly. "Yuri... can you come closer." She beckoned him over to her side - and he followed her hands like a marionette - until he was close enough for her hands to take the sides of his head, bringing him down to kiss his forehead. "...Thank you. For doing your best. Keep doing that. If I'm not here in the morning, I recommend starting with Lucas and Kaito, I know they'd-- well, Lucas, at least - would like to be your friend. Kaito's probably easily scared of you."

She wasn't sure he registered her words, with the way his brain fried. He only nodded slowly and turned on his heel to let the next in.

+++ ++ + ++ +++

He stopped beside Lucas - who put himself at the front of the line - and clicked his tongue. He didn't lift his eyes to meet any of them, in fact, he refused to acknowledge who he was speaking to. He wouldn't have known just how many were listening to him speak, how many of them actually paid attention.

"Tread carefully. She likely didn't tell any of you. Her life rides on your words. She'll make the choice after she sees everyone."

+++

"Lucas, you've been one of the best friends I could have ever had, the most understanding and hardworking. But you're too trusting, too willing to make promises you can't keep. I'm afraid that you'll hurt yourself because of it. When I'm gone, I want you to open up more to Kaito. I always see the look on your face when you want to say something to him, to scold him or get angry. He needs to hear it and omitting the truth is still lying."

+++

The clacks of his shoes were almost meticulous, full of slow thoughts processing what he could of the information he knew. That night, Tohma had sent both he and Kaito a message about what happened - or vaguely of what happened. How their fears were well warranted. The guilt piled up in his stomach, he felt so wretched for not seeing the signs sooner - for being too late, again.

He wasn't sure what he would do if he lost her. He vowed to protect her... but how was he to know that he needed to protect her from herself. Those words he always kept to himself, those words that found themselves trapped in his throat, those words that formed on his knitted brow... he should have said them.

When he saw her staring at the ceiling, her eyes lost all luster - lost that spark of life he loved so much. The brightness of her smile faded into nothing but a flickering flashlight. His eyes fell on the bruise upon her neck, a cruel reminder of what happened after they left. That his last words could have been asking her if she was okay. He took a few more steps towards her, then shuffled to the chair beside her bed. She didn't speak, only looked over at him and saw the same regret in his eyes that she had in hers.

"..." He was almost content to stay here in silence. If he didn't say anything, then he wouldn't feel the pangs of remorse of saying the wrong things.

But silence was also the wrong answer to it.

"I... want to know your thoughts. What went through your mind to lead to..." He stopped, even just thinking the words made him shut his eyes tightly to stop the stream of tears.

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes as well. "To be honest... I think this was all preventable. Maybe that's why it hurts so much. There were so many things that people could've done, could've not done. That in the end, it feels more like I was betrayed."

She shook her head slowly. "At the same time, I was holding everyone back. Forcing you all to hurt yourself keeping me safe... if only I could move faster, I would think, then you wouldn't always be ready to throw your lives away for me. I'm so weak... in pain... suffering every moment just to be of use to someone - anyone."

"Stop."

Lucas stood up suddenly, hands firmly planting onto the edge of the bed as he did so.

"Don't say such things about yourself! Your worth isn't determined by your use to the world! You aren't a ghoul, and still you're the strongest of us!"

She gave him the same smile she had both Jiro and Yuri - the one that said "I don't believe you, but I'm not going to say that". "The strongest tool, perhaps--" "Your perseverance, the strength of your will to continue, the amount of pain you endure--"

"And how much more pain do I have to endure? How much more do I need to be put down, pushed away, insulted and dragged around until it'll make it worth it?"

He stared at her with wide eyes, then grit his teeth. He couldn't protect her from anything, it seemed - not from anomalies, not herself, and especially not from the words of others. He was never there when these things happened - if he was, then...

"I'm sorry..." His voice quaked, tripped over it's own misspoken words. "I know you're blaming yourself right now, but... it's not your fault." "You don't deserve this. The weight entrusted to you. You didn't ask for this and yet..." He threw himself back down into the chair. "What would make this all better...?"

"Letting me go."

"..." He shook his head. "No... do not make us do that... please." "This is what I was talking about... no matter what I do, I hurt someone... and it hurts me even more. A cycle of pain that I want to break." "The cycle will continue, even after you're gone." "You'll move on. Move forward. I know you will. Your pain isn't forever." "And neither is yours! You- We- I..." He clamped his jaw shut. Words stuck in the barbs of mind, his voice breaking into a pained cough. "I can't say goodbye to you..." "Why?" "Because I love you too much to."

A third one. She already knew Kaito would say the same thing, but it wasn't enough - four wasn't enough. Her worth wasn't determined by how many people loved her - maybe it used to be, but now... She had no worth to anyone. A broken toy thrown into a bin.

"You were always the highlights of my day. Seeing you so focused in class, admiring your ability to adapt to the situation you were thrown into. You knew nothing of this side of the world, and now your highest grades are in the most difficult classes here. When we were told you needed rest, I forced myself to stay away - I didn't want to distract you. But I see now that I should have... what kind of friend am I that does not visit when you're not feeling well?"

"Luca... it's not your fault." "Then whose is it?! Who takes the blame for your pain! Who do I have to talk to, to make them see how foolish they are into making you believe you're nothing!" "..." She shook her head, keeping her answer behind tight lips. He took a deep breath of his own. "It's not yours either. You can't be at fault for something you're born with. You can't be at fault for the things others tell you. Please... as my friend... as someone I love... don't take me away from you."

He held tightly to her hand, bringing it towards him to kiss the back of it. She smiled softly at him. The flashlight flickered on. "Please forgive me, if I'm not here in the morning." "..."

He left her silently, a bare whisper of his affection given, after a brief moment of quiet reflection.

+++

"Kaito, from the start, you were willing to help me without asking questions. I'm sure it was just because I was a girl who happened to smile and be nice to you, though, and you stuck around because of that. Still, you sticking around and trying to stand up for me meant a lot. When I'm gone... I want you to be more confident in yourself. I know it's not easy. But you're strong, you could be so much more, I know you can. Stand up for yourself. And... don't be so reliant on social media to form your opinions. P.S. Let Luca in, he's your friend, not your meat shield."

+++

The nervousness in his footsteps was palpable, with the occasional squeak of his sneakers against the tile floors. What would he say, he tried looking up the best words online - but they were all different, nothing was static or the same, and none of them felt like her. She was different; a rainbow of sweet smelling flowers and soft fabrics, the light glinting off of the glaze on pastries, a mosaic of stained glass more beautiful than any painting - more beautiful and...

...more ephemeral, he learned.

That mosaic was nothing more than the glass he shattered when he received the message from Tohma. What would he say to the perfect girl? The perfectly tragic girl. Filled with nothing but a profound sadness as he berated Lucas for digging too deep. He didn't think he could feel any worse than he already did.

His hand instinctively rubbed the front of his neck when his gaze snapped to the bruise - and all he could think about was how painful it must've been. He'd seen the movies and TV shows, and all the media in between of people being hung as punishment for crimes unthinkable - or as a symbol of injustice, creating martyrs and saints. Would she have become one?

He couldn't help but think so. A martyr for the way Darkwick treated the cursed, the way they treated anomalies... the way they treated any student with a disability. If he thought about it that way long enough, maybe he could trick himself into believing that it would be alright without her but...

Behind every martyr were those that loved them. Those that suffered their absence, shed tears at their passing, knowing that while it was for good cause in the end... it didn't need to happen. He stepped closer to tragedy waiting to happen, stepping around the shattered glass of colors, and sat himself down in the chair. He kicked himself for his first words to her.

"How are you feeling?" "..." She couldn't help smiling some at the innocence of the question. The awkward shuffle of his feet when he noticed, and when he opened his mouth. "Don't. Don't backtrack. Don't apologize. The moment you start self-depreciating... I'll need you to leave." He closed his mouth to think longer on his words, if he had any to say at all.

"...I think the only thing that makes this worse is that I'm alive still. I could be dead, and I wish that I was..." Kaito clenched his jaw shut, a word barely escaped "why". "I have a feeling I'm going to answer that question more times than I want to. But there's just a point in which life isn't worth living any more." "When did you realize it?" The question spilled out unthinkingly - and while he wanted to tell her to not answer it, to reassure her there was no pressure in doing so, apologize for being so callous. She gave him the instruction. It was a rule now. And by god, if it meant keeping her alive and safe, if it meant finally being able to protect her from something, he was going to follow it.

He was sure he had been in her shoes before - feeling nothing but worthless and a waste of space. Feeling low enough to wonder if anyone would notice if he was gone. But he was too afraid to admit it, too afraid of the pain, too afraid of the unknowns of death.

"...After the fifth BB from Romeo, most likely."

The answer made him snort - of course it was Romeo's fault. He knew that it wasn't, but the joke landed well, even on her death bed. His laugh made her smile some.

"Though it was probably earlier than that, to be honest. I'd already been fighting the feeling for years, but everything here just made it fester... bottled it away until it couldn't anymore. Don't get me wrong, there was so much good here but..." "...I think if anyone knows what the bad feels like, it's me." He offered her a lopsided smile. He wanted to cry, wanted to feel sorry for himself, wanted to beg her not to leave--

Beg and grovel and plea, sob at her feet until she changed her mind, but he also knew that it'd make it worse. Yet the tears still came, the small cry of anguish that left his chest as he leaned his arms on the bed. "Help me understand! Please! What can I do... what can I do to take this away from you?! It's not fair! What did you do to deserve this? You've been nothing but kind and patient, nothing but an absolute saint and..." She watched him with the same patience he mentioned, a smile still stuck to her face. It was kind of him to cry for her like this, but...

"Kaito, there's plenty of people and girls out there that are kind, patient, and absolute saints. You'll move on, I know you will." "What the fuck are you saying?!" He jumped to his feet much like Lucas did, face red and tears still flowing like rivers down his face. His words came out through hiccups and barely contained sobs. "There's plenty of people and girls our there that are kind, patient, and absolute saints, sure-- but none of them are you!! None of them could even come close! All of those people wish and dream they could be you!"

She let out a small sigh through her lips. Just when she was about to respond with another question - he answered it before another word was uttered.

"How many of those kind, patient, saints have the same strength you do? How many of them are as empathetic, knowing just when someone is feeling off? How many of them would be willing to stop by every damn house to check on the ghouls that are often feared or overlooked? How many of them still care enough to check us for injuries? Not even Darkwick does that!" He shouted. "Goddammit! They didn't even do that for you!"

When he spoke those words, it was like he understood immediately. "...they didn't even do that for you... they really don't care about you, do they? They don't know how special you are. They treat you like us and instead of growing bitter and angry, you only blamed yourself until you couldn't anymore. Until it wasn't worth it anymore." He closed his eyes, shut them tightly. "And there's nothing we can fucking do about it..." "There is." "Is there?" "Don't let them do it again. Get angry and bitter and don't fear them, don't lay low and take the pain until you become me." A laugh trickled through the crack in his voice. "So become Jin, you mean." "Perfect." "Ew."

She laughed. A song in itself, he'd never forget it, he'd play it on repeat until it was his most played for the year - the most played for the next ten years. Twenty. A hundred.

"...I don't want you to be a martyr..." He whispered. "I want you to go to class with me. Cheer me up on my bad days. Laugh at my stupid jokes. Calm my nerves by holding my hands. Eat lunch with me. I want to have a third year with you here. If I have to carry you everywhere I will. Please..."

"Please don't leave me..." His voice became the softest she had ever heard. "I know I can't change your mind by myself... and the internet said giving words of affection could make you feel worse, but... if you're not going to be here tomorrow. I- I- I have to say it." "It's okay, you don't have to say anything." "Please, just... let me..." He tried to gather his thoughts, to say the words he always wanted to say to her. "I... I know I complain about being bad with girls. Complain about how undesirable I am. I know I keep trying my luck elsewhere... but it's because you're so far out of my league that I'm afraid."

He choked out another laugh. "I'm so scared of you. How much I love you scares the hell outta me. I never know what to do."

There was number four to break her heart. To make her feel lower.

"You don't owe me anything. I'm... I- ..." He tripped over himself. "...I... just needed to say it before you're gone..." "Kaito?" "Yeah?" "Thank you. You're doing so well, already. Keep your head high, you're important, always know that." "....so are you..." He wanted to kiss her, to leave knowing he did what he could; as he said, though, he was scared of her. She did the same as she did to Yuri, beckoned him closer to kiss him on the forehead.

While he didn't leave in tears, it was still clear that he was crying before; face and eyes stained red. He did as she asked him to. It was a rule now. He, unflinchingly, stared at both Tohma and Jin and nearly hissed. "Don't fuck this up for us." Likely the first and only time he'd address them with such hostility - he joined Lucas in talking with Jiro and Yuri after that, trying his best to keep her words close to him.

+++

"Tohma, I wish I had good things to say to you, but frankly, you're an asshole. I can tell you have good intentions, but they're lost on everyone around you. If you didn't keep using me to run your errands, taking insults on your behalf, I probably wouldn't be in this bed. When I'm gone, for the love of god, stop being such a snake - if you were honest to the people you trusted, your life would be so much easier. P.S. do your own dirty work."

+++

Much like Lucas's steps, Tohma's were meticulous and calculated. Slow, sure, and yet... tinged with hesitation.

It was never meant to go this far.

It was never meant for her to feel so obligated to perform errands for them. He assumed that she would eventually bite back, but she never did. She was patient. And for that flaw - for what should have been considered a virtue - she was taken advantage of at every turn. Of course, he never should have assumed anything. While he never regarded her as glass, she was fragile in the same way an overdone cookie was - crumbs of herself, chipped away at each bite into her.

Now, now, all he could see was the moment she hung herself - the moment her vision blacked out, the moment Jiro and Yuri came sprinting in. Sleep did not come easy - or at all. When he received a letter from her, where she wrote that he could speak to her, he fought over which words he would say, sleep-deprived as he was. And now her life was on the most dangerous balancing act, hinging on the words of a group of the most unstable men on campus.

When he saw her, he froze in his tracks - the image came back to him the moment he saw that bruise. Her hanging, swaying, toes barely scraping the ground. Instead of staring in complete horror as Jin did, he immediately contacted the second-years - the ones closest to her. The ones he got the information from. If he knew it was this serious, perhaps...

....perhaps it all could've been avoided. Perhaps she would have seen how much they cared for her. How much his teasing was meant to be just that. Instead, she formed the worst opinion of him in her head. He wished he came off more approachable - maybe he could've asked her to speak her mind and trust her to tell the truth, instead of hiding her pain behind a mask of smiles.

He watched her breathe softly, as if she'd stop at any moment. It didn't matter how rifted Frostheim and Mortkranken were - he thanked as many deities as he could think of that they were there to bring her back. That he didn't witness her death, witness the moment she stopped breathing for good. He took a breath of his own before sitting in the chair beside her. How was he supposed to apologize? How was he supposed to admit his concern? His-- She likely wouldn't accept it, no matter what. Would find cracks to squeeze reasons through, reasons why he'd lie.

She turned her eyes towards him, opened her mouth to speak until she saw the pallor of his face, ocean-deep eyes wide with an unusual fear. His composure slipped. Those thoughts from before, they played like an alarm reminding him with each loud beep:

You did this.

You hurt her.

You're the reason.

You- You- You-

His dismay flickered to the bruise. Another reminder. She was still alive and yet the ghost of her haunted him. She finally spoke.

"What are you thinking?" "...I wish I knew." "I'm there too." He took another deep breath. "You have always been there. In our thoughts. In my thoughts." "Was it me? Or was it something of use?" He clicked his tongue and closed his eyes. "I would not call you for every little inane, insipid, banal, trivial matter because I could not do it myself." "Then why did you?" "To see you again."

She shook her head slowly. "You could have just asked." "It was a weakness." "To see me?" "To be in love in a lion's den - where everything could be taken away from you with just a few words. Jin referred to it as a pit of snakes, and I fear I must agree." She let a short huff out through her nose. "It seems you fit in, then." "How else am I to survive? How else am I to keep you safe from them?" She slowly lifted her hand to brush some of her hair back. Idly noting how long it had gotten while looking for a retort. He was right, in a way. The best way to keep yourself alive is to blend in. But... "You could have done it without treating me like a mouse to served up as bait."

He found it ironic, that she should share the same sentiments as Jin. So much so that he couldn't help the broken laugh from leaving his lips. Even more so that he had made his admission and she brushed right over it - as he knew she would. The corner of her mouth twitched into the small semblance of a smile.

"Maybe if you had, you could have taught me how to play chess more." She found it funny - she already knew how to play. In fact, she believed herself to be rather good at it. He never gave her a chance to respond to whether or not she did play - and she was too dumbfounded at the out-of-place question and the rushing thoughts of his motive in it to interrupt him. If they could convince her to stay, maybe she'd catch him off-guard.

"...maybe, yes." He forced his eyes away from her. "Maybe if I had, we could have done many things together." He folded his arms across his chest as he leaned back into the chair, his posture laxing in a manner she hadn't seen from him before. "...if Jin had not asked you to dance, I would have." "Then... if I'm here in the morning, you can teach me how." "If..." With that large, heavy, word trailing off, the thoughts came back, the picture of her painted in his head - beaten, broken, bruised; dressed hauntingly in white, unblinking. Still standing. Her voice scraped like a broken record, slurring the question of why to him. Why did he not just ask her? Why was it a weakness? A flaw? Why was a simple question too much to ask?

"...If you... are not here in the morning..." He closed his eyes again, turning further away so she couldn't see his next weakness shed from them. Gentle tears of acceptance and guilt. His voice quivered, collapsing under the pain in his heart, with a softness he had always regarded her with when no one else was around. "...what should I do...?"

"Be a better friend. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Don't assume the worst in them. Above all, don't take advantage of their kindnesses. Maybe... you'd be more approachable that way." "To trust so easily..." "You don't have to trust them to be kinder to them." "...perhaps I should ask you for advice more often, with how wise your words are." He paused to correct himself. "...should have asked you." "...as many perhaps and maybes as we can speak, they don't change the past. They don't change the things you did to me." "It... It was never meant to go so far..." A foreign, choked back, sob clawed its way into his words. "I had never meant... I..."

As she said, any "should have"s, any "could have"s, they don't change what he did to her. How he broke her down, jabbed and prodded, forced her to work when she was already dragging her feet, taking advantage of her inability to say no. He covered his mouth, he needed to change the subject, needed to escape the scrutiny, needed to run away from the guilt that washed over him.

"Jin was more horrified than you would believe." "You're changing the subject, Tohma. This isn't about him." "I..." He slipped a curse under his breath, unable to pull back his thoughts. "...if I loved you as much as I claim I do... I wouldn't... would I? Would I have done this? Would I really... do something so degrading?" She let him answer his own questions, watching him with curious interest to his words. "...it seems I would." He stood up quickly, body still slightly turned away. "Now I cannot get the image of you scrubbed away - I will forever live with the knowledge, forever live with the nightmares." He occluded another nervous sob-laced laugh. "We saw you hang yourself, you know. We saw you go limp and unconscious. Watched the Mortkranken ghouls save you."

She blinked at him. "You did? Why were you there?" "To check on you. The second-years vented their anxieties about your well-being within earshot. While I contacted them immediately, Jin was frozen - would not move, even after you were carried away. I had no time to... to process it... to watch someone you care about do such a thing..." He inhaled sharply, trying to rein in his emotions to no avail. "Dammit... I wish I could forget it. Wish I could use a match on myself and live not knowing what your face would look like in death."

He fell to his knees. "God, please... please do not go..." His fists curled against his thighs. "God, please... please stay... please let me fix this..."

She didn't believe his words - his confession of love. If she watched him break down any further, maybe she could have. His tears, his pleas, they were convincing. Considering that she had a feeling he would have a hard time faking such an emotion in a different scenario. "Tohma... come here." The piper of her voice forced him to his feet, turning to her with the shine of tears in his eyes. He wanted to ignore them, will them away, but the more he thought about them, the more they fell. He dragged himself towards her outstretched arms, leaning awkwardly down to hug her. Pressing his lips to her neck, to the reminder. "Please... forgive me..." He whispered. "I'm sorry you had to witness it. If only I could have left you with the knowledge of being gone, instead. Please... forget about me. I beg of you..." "No. I... I apologize, but I cannot simply forget you. Will not." Jiro had told her the same thing. The idea of the lives she touched sunk into her thoughts - she wanted to believe it. Wanted it to be enough to bring her back. But it only made her feel worse. Sink even further into the swamp of onus.

"Then... keep me in your heart and do better." "...of course..." He took a step back from her watching her breathe for the moment. To help him pretend she would be alright. That she would come back to them. He turned away to leave, and halfway out, stopped to look back at her for a brief moment. Watched her give him a weak wave and a smile to match before finally stepping out of the building.

+++

"Jin. There's so much I could say, but honestly, all I can think of to write is... you're an absolute ass. If it weren't for Leo and Taiga, I'd say you were the worst person I've dealt with so far. I can see there's so much anxiety and grief and loathing stirring in you, but that gives you no reason to treat me and others the way you do. Maybe if your attitude was a fraction better, I wouldn't be in this bed. However you feel like you're assisting me, you always do it in the worst way. Like helping me is some inconvenience to you. I'm surprised you can even sit down with that stick so far up your ass. Everything about you pisses me off. ...So why the fuck do I care so much about your well-being? This ended up being more long-winded than I wanted it to. When I'm gone, I hope you can turn yourself around - be forgiving and kind and everything you currently aren't."

+++

There was a fury in him - out of worry, out of shame out of so many emotions he couldn't even name. His heavy steps, much like Tohma before, stopped the moment he saw her staring blankly at the ceiling. He was thankful that only one person saw the absolute horror upon his face, someone he vaguely trusted, put in the same boat and caught off-guard as him.

Except now it was inching closer to coming back. He wouldn't let her see him like this. See him stare at her with a terror he had never felt before. He replaced it with an irritated scowl, anger clouding his thoughts yet again. He took it out on the table of "get well soon"s, kicking it over with enough force to send it across the room, every apathetic card and small gifts clattering and flittering to the ground.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

Surprisingly to him, all she did was offer him a smile that spoke her words for her: "how did I know you were going to do that?". The fact that he was now predictable to her made him even more upset. That she'd know him so well and yet would have no problems, not a single qualm, about taking herself away from him. He couldn't hide anything from her as much as he tried to close her off. Shut her out.

And still... he kept calling on her, just to see her face again. Already fearing that he may forget her gentle smile and bright eyes the moment they all fail to break her curse. If she longed to be remembered in someone's mind, she succeeded.

The life gone from her eyes, face colored a clash of red and purple, dangling from a cotton noose.

He knew lives were fragile and still he drove her to the edge. Still he continued to degrade her, made her feel like dirt was worth more than her - even if he went out of his way to help her, he never addressed it. Always covered it up with a thin veil of "this is for me". And maybe it was for him - to know she was taken care of, that she could succeed; to know that she could take advantage of him, as he did her. And still, she did not. She had everything at her fingertips, every answer, every material and materiel - she had him at her fingertips, wrapped around every one of them in a twisted cat's cradle. She never assumed that he was willing to help. Only called on him when she had no other option. He was almost certain she was an angel sent to him, to help guide him... only to drive her to seek heaven again.

She was the only one who ever noticed his anxiety. His hand trembling just the barest hint of too much. His hesitation, his fear, his inadequacies, all in one - a single squeeze of his hand, the most comfort he had ever felt from another. That's all it took for him to fall head over heels for her. To pull him out of his shell again, a little bit at a time. And now, she watched him, picking apart his emotions with her eyes like peeling flakes of sunburnt skin. Digging herself deeper into his mind, worming her way into his thoughts and heart and words. She finally opened her mouth - with the way his face twisted, one could have imagined him seeing nothing but bugs crawling out of a rotting corpse.

"A lot of things are wrong with me." "No shit." He spat out his response, tainted with irritation. "And I'm one of them." "You are." He didn't expect her to respond like that, to tell him head on that he was a problem of hers. A lesser man would've cried just hearing the words and the way they didn't miss a beat in responding. All it did to him was stun him silent. "You've been nothing but the third rudest asshole on this island. And that's only because you didn't try to kill me on sight, or felt so insecure by my presence that you created a one-sided rivalry."

She closed her eyes, letting out a deep sigh. "And still, I can't help myself but worry. You can barely leave your room on your own, and I unfortunately know what that feels like - what are you going to do when I'm gone? When your servant is no longer there to wait on you hand and foot in between classes and missions? No longer there to drag you out of the pit of monotony?" "If you're gone..." "Well, I'm still leaning towards "when". I'm not convinced of a lot of things. But if you're done throwing a tantrum about a life that isn't yours to control, I'd like it if you sat down next to me." He hissed at her but complied nonetheless, throwing himself into the chair next to her bed. She looked at him with the same knowing, soft, compassionate expression she always had when dealing with him - the difference being the weariness in her eyes, dark bags hanging under them as she had been under the loft; her cheeks slightly sunken from the inability to eat or keep anything down.

She looked like death would come to take her away at any moment, and still... still she regarded him with kindness. She thought upon her previous conversations, what questions she should ask or what she should say. "What would you do to keep me here?" "Anything." He answered without hesitation. He already knew he'd do anything for her while she lived and breathed, why would this be any different? "...anything, he says." It killed him inside to see her reaction. How his response didn't satisfy her. "What do you want me to say?" "I'm wondering if you know why I don't like your "anything". Why I don't want just anything."

His jaw tightened, teeth digging into his tongue - biting it just to think. Just to keep himself from digging a deeper grave. "..." Slowly, his features relaxed, returning to the stoic aloofness he tried to maintain. "...I'm sorry. You deserve better than this." The words dripped from his mouth slowly, a leaky faucet too stubborn to fix. They were hard to say. "...I appreciate it." She tilted her head at him. "I hope that the apology is good closure for you - that it won't become a regret." "It already is." His gaze went to the ceiling as he took a breath in. If only he told her just how much she was worth to him. If only he told her that he'd give up everything if it meant keeping her by him. If only he told her just how beautiful she was in that dress, and how endearing her attempt at following his lead was.

If only,

If only,

If only,

She continued to watch him. "...what were your thoughts?" "I should be the one asking that fucking question." "I think, out of everyone, you know what my thoughts were and are the most. But... you persist. You continue on. You're stronger than me for that. There's something out there that makes your life worth living. I wish I had that." "..." It was at this time he wanted to pull out a cigarette - to take the edge off of the stress of keeping her alive. Then, he was sorely reminded that suffocation was her choice of death - even if she didn't need the ventilator for the moment - when he looked down at her from the corner of his eye. He muttered softly in response. "I wish I could be that."

He looked back up at the ceiling, as if there was something worth looking at; if only to keep himself from staring at her. "I wish I could be that reason." "Convenient to say that, now that you know I could be gone in the morning. Some useful tool to make your stigma work again. A servant at your beck and call, brushed away with the back of your hand and some words that tell me just how much I'm really worth." "Tch. You really never considered the things I've done, have you?" "Oh, I've considered them. Considered them enough to determine it was simply to keep me indebted to you--"

The chair legs screeched on the tile as he stood up with more force than was necessary. It was as if she was purposefully rubbing him the wrong way, pushing every button until she found the one she was looking for - she was still looking for it, apparently, because all this really did was anger him with another emotion he couldn't name. The one that tore his heart to shreds, knowing her true perception of him.

"Then what part of "anything" do you not fucking understand?! Do you really think I'd give a damn about some little shit following me around like I'm Liszt?! Really think I'd just drop everything to the next ass to ask me for help?! Really think I'd even fucking give the time of day to someone who isn't you?!" If someone had walked in without context, they'd likely think Jin to be glowering down on a poor girl in a hospital bed, filled with a disdain that couldn't be named. That was the furthest from the truth. "If anything, I'm the one fucking following you around! Every-fucking-time I hear that you're going on a mission with another house, I have to know what it is - I need to know if I should be concerned for your safety. What if they can't protect you- what if they don't protect you?! What if, in a single moment of hesitation, I never get to see you again?! It pisses me off that I can't do anything about that!"

He looked like a madman, hair frazzled and out of place, breathing heavily as if he ran from one end of the island to the other. "You think some damn vase in the Frostheim hallway is worth more than you- and maybe if you had been anyone else, it fucking would be!" Despite his yelling, his aggressive words and all, she remained... passive. Face placid with the telling expression of "are you done?" in her eyes - even if he wasn't, she still spoke. No matter how loud he was, no matter what kind of sentence he was in the middle of; when she spoke, he stopped. A man mesmerized by every word, even if it was razor sharp, that cut into him with blades filled with tragic misfortune. "Then... why? Why would you treat me so low, if you put me on this secret pedestal?" "Because they'd take you away from me the moment they found out! You'd be stolen away by some other house, hoarded because I valued something. Stolen away by who knows what, if they felt you were distracting me too much - and goddammit, it wouldn't matter because you still do!"

Tohma almost said the same thing. His concern was regarding the general students and their personal reaches. But Jin's concern seemed to hint something darker - an unknown "they" forcing him to dance to an unrecognizable tune. She had a feeling he was talking about Darkwick or the Institute. If he didn't play along to their rules, because she didn't. If he truly meant that he'd follow her wherever she went, and she decided to riot, that meant he would too. She closed her eyes, letting out a short huff - she wanted to say something, but it was his next words that kept her quiet.

"Instead of dreams about having you next to me, filling some fucking hole in my soul and healing whatever pain I've endured - I now have nightmares of your dead body, staring at me, begging for answers. I go to check on you because the brats are so fucking worried about you, that it fills me with a dread that threatens to tear my throat out - and I get there just in fucking time to see the life leave your eyes! Just in time to spiral in the thoughts of how I was the one who did that to you!" He ran his hands up through his hair. "I don't think you know how that fucking feels! To be the reason that the person you treasure the most wants to die! It may have been your hand, but it may as well have been mine! Fuck!"

He leaned over to hold himself up on the edge of the bed, his body shook the same way an aspen leaf would - shuddering, quaking. His posture hid his face well, but it didn't hide the tears after they had fallen. "I owe you everything... from that moment I took your hand. I knew there was nothing I could ever do to repay you... it didn't matter how much fucking money or power I had..." He let out trembling laugh, brimmed with melancholy. "You are worth more than everything I own. It's terrifying, actually. My blood runs cold knowing that there's someone out there like that." "I'm sure there are plenty more, less unfortunate than me." "Did you ever consider that maybe, just maybe, I don't care how fucking "unfortunate" you are? What the hell does your fortune have to do with this?"

She returned his words with a sad smile. "I was holding onto the hope that you would find someone who sparks this in you enough to forget me. It would be... so much easier if you just... forgot that I existed. I've done nothing but drag your life--" "Are you even fucking listening to me?!" He stood straight again, taking a single stride to get close enough to put both of his hands on her shoulders. "What. Part. Of. Anything. Do. You. Not. Fucking. Understand!? If I'm ready to give you anything just to keep you here - what makes you think I'd fucking forget you?!" She wished she could change the subject... take it off of how much these people would refuse to forget her. As her thoughts drifted towards the ocean of guilt she swam in, she was brought back by both of his hands on the sides of her head. He leaned in enough to press his mouth to the top of her head.

"What do you need me to do..." She closed her eyes to think some. "...I want you to back Jiro and Yuri." "..." "They've done so much for me already, with what little is available to them. Done more for me than Darkwick has. If I'm here tomorrow morning, then they're going to need support to keep up with my treatment plan - on top of their research into my curse." "...if only because they're caring for you." "Even if I'm not here tomorrow..." "...if only because they cared for and about you." "Thank you." "...please be here in the morning... please... I don't know what I would do without you... not as a tool or servant, but someone that I..." She could feel her hair rustle with the hesitant breath he let out. "Someone that I love."

He didn't let her speak after that, quickly pulling away to leave the sadness and heartache in the building behind.

+++ ++ + ++ +++

Jin stopped just outside of the door, before the next in line could even pass him. He pulled a checkbook from his pocket, flipped it open, signed it and took those heavy strides over to Jiro - the "not Yuri" half of the duo - to tear the blank check out of the book and hand it to him.

"What's this?"

"A gift from her. Don't waste it."

With that, his steps took him to Leo just to snatch his phone from him before he had time to process that anyone had approached him. "The fuck! What the hell is your problem- this is theft, you know." Jin held it comically high above his head, keeping it just out of reach. "Like hell I'm going to let a brat like you to take advantage of the situation for your social media. Until she says it's okay, you can figure out what to do with your free time without it. It's not theft, it's insurance." "Cap, are you seriously going to let him do whatever the fuck he wants?" Alan made exactly two seconds of eye contact with Jin before answering. "Yes." He could handle the rest after his turn was finished.

================================================

after read author's notes: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

finally. just to reiterate a two things: 1) this part took me 3 days to finish lol, that means if the writing style feels different, it was probably written on a different day. 2) i made the decision to break this up further because tumblr is dumb and my web browser lags like ass longer the post is - and this is obviously a very long one.

also, insert comment about agápē wordplay here lmao that was on accident and it's 👌

thank y'all so much for taking the time out of your day to indulge in my what was supposed to be a small series of prompts but actually turned into a full length novel LMAO

[i-write-things-sometimes]

SIKE! I LIED!

i will break it up into parts mostly because my entire web browser slows down the more i write LMAO so look forward to part 3a later tonight

i've been working on part 3 of better off alone for about.... 8 hours now. i'm at 4k words and i'm not even CLOSE to being halfway done

maybe i should think about breaking this one up into multiple parts too lmao

[i-write-things-sometimes]

man, took a break from writing to continue the main story of tkdb since i finally managed to get past case 70

spoilers for chpt. 21 of ep. 14

I AM ABOUT TO FUCKING THROW HANDS I STG FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY AND UNHOLY LET ME MAKE THE MC GO FERAL

i'd be like "nah, no more frostheim missions for me until the entire damn house gives my homie yuri an apology and 10k each"

poor doctor behavior but, fuck, i'd snatch that ointment from that man and let him figure out his own boo-boo

maybe even break a bone or two

tbh, in my area, doctors can kick patients out without treatment if they're being harassed or assaulted. so like. sucks to suck, get the fuck outta my office.

i'm so fucking mad about this that i had to stop reading just to complain

okay, have a nice day y'all, gonna finish this then deprive myself of quality sleep by writing more

[i-write-things-sometimes]

back at it again (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧ decided i'm NOT going to break it up - y'all'll just have to suffer with me LMAO

breaking it up would get somewhat confusing when it comes to the order of reading, especially with the way tumblr lists its posts in searches - if it was a bit more organized, i'd probably break it up.

i've been working on part 3 of better off alone for about.... 8 hours now. i'm at 4k words and i'm not even CLOSE to being halfway done

maybe i should think about breaking this one up into multiple parts too lmao

[i-write-things-sometimes]

i've been working on part 3 of better off alone for about.... 8 hours now. i'm at 4k words and i'm not even CLOSE to being halfway done

maybe i should think about breaking this one up into multiple parts too lmao

[i-write-things-sometimes]

the best part about being a writer:

probably being put onto multiple watch lists LMAO some of the things i've had to look up to write something more accurate and relatable have been very (。_。)

got back onto my web browser and saw the tab for the most recent wiki page i used for my last piece and was like "hm... maybe i should've closed that, just in case someone came across it while i was away from my computer (°ー°〃)

[i-write-things-sometimes]

So I hear you like tkdb?!

That writing is fire btw

-ice

why hello there fellow tkdb fan _(:з)∠)_

thank you so much!! i really appreciate it ;u; i've noticed a few grammatical and spelling errors afterwards, but i'll uhhhh blame that on writing these at 3am 😂

regardless, i'm liking how these've turned out so far - returning to my roots with creative methods of conveying emotion. i'm really glad it's working ♪(´▽｀)

keep on the look out for part 3. which is probably going to be another long one - exploring themes of acceptance. part 3 is going to split into 2 ending options :)c

[i-write-things-sometimes]

Better Off Alone (Part 2)

context: mc's disabilities are gnawing, this time, reminding her who's really in control. (everyone's disabilities are different and affect them differently! if you enjoy writing, i'd absolutely love seeing your pieces about mc struggling with your experiences with your disabilities! with that in mind, this series of stories will reflect my own experiences with my disabilities.)

pov: this is written in feminine 3rd person (she/her). i meant to make the poll in my previous post last a day, but uhhhh.... i messed up. still, feel free to vote here. anyways, at the time of writing this, the preferred pov for mc was 3rd person using she/her pronouns. i'm possibly planning on making alternative versions using other pronouns. right now, i'll be sticking with this one for the remainder of the series.

content warnings: this one is heavy. heavy heavy. this explores the themes of how physical health can affect your mental health. if you're incredibly sensitive to topics of depression, anxiety, imposter syndrome, and attempted suicide - please don't read this one. this story takes place right after chapter 7, spoilers beware!

other notes: hi. it's part 2 of 5 :) time to get real fuckin' angsty >:)c there are a few scene changes, marked by +++ hoooooooooooo boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy this ended up being nearly 4k words jfcccc didn't mean to do that, but i had fun with this one. especially towards the end :) READ PART 1 HERE

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What a cruel twist of fate, as if Darkwick was intentionally mocking her. Toying with her and her pain. Ignoring her. Neglecting her. Forcing her to play the fool, forcing her feet to dance to their tune - unfortunately for them, her feet never moved too deftly. The scales had been falling from her eyes ever since she was assigned to the houses. The final few fell when, no sooner had she been given the order to rest, was she assigned to Mortkranken.

The staff's excuse was that she'd remain at the side of her assigned health providers, and that a mission on campus wasn't considered "intensive" enough to warrant full days off. As if that whole Sinostra mission wasn't proof enough of that being false. Yuri was far more vocal about it than she expected him to be - but he was paid no mind, told him to solve the case quickly if he wanted her to rest so badly.

And yes. She needed a seventh cane after that.

Afterwards, she was truly prescribed rest - especially after witnessing Yuri dragging Jiro off for immediate surgical treatment and both of them tearing into Professor Nickolas for the neglect of her health. Except, by the way that he had looked over the results of her labs, he looked between everyone with horror painting his face. Either he was an incredible actor, or he genuinely didn't realize how serious it was.

The consequence of this was now, everything was taken care of and out of her hands. She was forced to stay in her dorm and focus on rest and what treatments she could get. The Mortkranken ghouls were the ones overseeing her health, they visited more regularly than before - hoping to start clinical drug trials for her curse, on top of making sure she wasn't overdoing it. They often fetched work from her classes and took care of any assignments that were to be delegated to her.

It wasn't until then that she finally fell off of the edge of Darkwick.

She never showed up to her classes, didn't step foot into another mission, she couldn't even be found during lunch. Yuri and Jiro were the only two she interacted with in person. Otherwise, it was the occasional message from Kaito and Lucas.

She.... should be happy about this, right? No more getting berated, yelled at, or scolded by overgrown children. No forcing her into uncomfortable situations, no dragging her into dangerous ones either. So...

Why... did this win feel so empty? Why... did everything feel so hollow? Why... did her thoughts turn so bleak?

Her body reflected the bleakness, sinking her into the bog of her bed, refusing to move without iron willpower - and if she ever managed to do so, it took so much energy out of her that she may as well lay back down.

What happened? What happened? What happened? W h a t...?

She had to have been faking it, like everyone accused her of. How could she suddenly not be able to take care of herself? They treat her like an invalid. They stop her at the door at every attempt to leave, at every insistence that she was fine.

(She knew. Deep down. She knew that she wasn't.)

They went through all this work and got nothing from it. It made her guilty for not feeling more appreciative of their efforts, she felt so heartless. All she was able to do was force a smile for them. Bricks of stress crashed down on her shoulders. These people were - quite literally - going out of their way to give her a better life that was set to end in eight months. Shouldn't they be worrying more about her curse?

The days after the school assembly were the most humiliating.

Congratulations. They all learned how to pity someone.

It wasn't her idea. The Gala was pushed into her responsibility by an overly aggressive Ritsu, and now it's become the MO of breaking her curse. She would've loved to have believed that after all this time, the ghouls were her friends and they would've done this without the MO, but she wasn't stupid. She could feel the heat of embarrassment burn her face, the hot air of an open oven, when both Ed and Jin took the stage next to her. She should've just climbed into one after that. Not only to escape the stares, but to char away her being and everything that made her who she was until there was nothing left.

Until she finally submitted to becoming the campus hermit, it was nothing but the whispers- "Oh, poor thing..." "No wonder she always looked so tired." "I'm so glad she's finally getting the help she needs." Nothing but the stares. Nothing but knowing how much they truly didn't care. How much they wanted her gone.

She wanted to curl up and fold into herself until she no longer existed. She wanted everyone to leave her alone. She left all of her messages on read. She wanted them to forget they ever knew her. She cried every night since. Not only did her body crack and break, but her spirit did too. Destroying herself distracted her from the hurricane of emotions that ran wild with the idea of disappearing. And now...

...

A knock at her door broke her thoughts. She lifted her head from her knees to look at it, as if she'd be able to see who it was from here. Yuri and Jiro weren't supposed to be here yet. She carefully dragged herself to her cane, then to the door. She opened it slowly to find two ghouls there - the two that she could maybe consider friends, if the concept didn't make her feel lower than the crust of the earth.

Who would ever want to be my friend?

"Oh... Kaito, Luca. What're you doing here?" She didn't mean for her voice to waltz with shaky forlorn, a fear that made her tremble, and so she offered them both a bright smile - to even it out. "Are you okay?" Kaito furrowed his brow, not entirely convinced of the smile - but he rapidly backtracked not a beat later. "I'm sorry! You don't have to answer if you don't want to! I didn't mean to sound like I was pressuring you."

Please stop worrying about me...

"You weren't, it's okay." Lucas shook his head and doubled down on the question. "I would like to know how you're doing. We've barely seen you since the assembly."

Please... please... I'm not worth it...

She took a step back from the door to let them in. They came all this way, it'd be rude to turn them away. It had been some time since she'd spoken to anyone. Kaito panicked. "Sh- Should we be going in? Are we allowed to? This is your room, and ohmygod, I don't know if I can--" "That's okay, Kaito. I can give her the schoolwork myself if you have somewhere to be." Lucas stepped into the room with a short bow. "Wait! Hey!! Like hell I'm leaving you alone with her here!!" She let out a raspy laugh as she watched Kaito suddenly enter the room boldly.

"Sorry for the mess." Her voice strained to reach a normal talking level. Some nights, the pain was so great, that all she could do was wail and sob until she eventually tired herself out - in the end, she only made herself look more pitiful. "Hey, no! Don't sweat it! You don't need to apologize! Here, you should sit." Kaito, ever attempting to play the gentleman bit and falling a meter short, pulled a chair out for her at the small table she usually used for her health check ups.

Of course I can't pull out my own chair. Of course I have someone else do it for me. I'm nothing but atrociously useless and lazy.

She forced a polite smile and sat down. "We brought you lunch, too. We figured it's better then what you've got here." He sat down and pulled out a bag of food, the packaging gave away where they got it from. At the same time, Lucas set down a stack of papers and a familiar voice recorder with a gentle smile of his own. She looked at what would usually be these seemingly innocuous items, but today, right now, it was a guilt-trip with a smile.

"We went to that food truck and asked what you usually got. He asked how you were doing too." "Oh, you didn't have to do that! I appreciate it, though. Let Sho know that I'm alright, okay? I wouldn't want to worry him too much."

He wouldn't worry about me anyways. The man nearly got me killed on that mission, conveniently his stigma didn't work.

"And what's this?" She took the papers to study them. Lucas nodded. "We took the liberty of letting Jiro know that we'd be picking up the work you've missed for the week. We weren't sure how you'd be able to revisit the lectures, but Kaito mentioned the first year from Sinostra records everything he comes across. And wouldn't you know! He had recordings made of your classes, for the same reason we were gathering your work. It seems he's worried about you too."

More like another debt owed to Sinostra. I can only imagine what he wants in exchange for this.

"This is too much, you two! Really, you didn't have to..."

This is too much... why would you waste your time like this?

Kaito covered her solemn response with a smile of his own. She could tell he was trying to clear the air of her cloying emotions, but.... what he said wasn't what she wanted to hear. "Seriously, don't worry about it. We wanted to do this for you - you're going through a hard time and you're our friend! This is nothing!"

She wasn't sure what she wanted to hear, but....

Please... Please stop... I can't take this anymore...

Her smile was forced, pained even. "I'm glad to have friends like you. I really don't deserve it." When she noticed Lucas tilt his head, she shook hers. "Sorry, I'm just tired. The pain medication makes me sleepy. I'm okay, I promise." She lied. "If you don't mind, though, I think I'll save this for later. Yuri and Jiro are supposed to be here soon for my checkup." Lucas wasn't convinced. After their first meeting, he knew how to spot a lie from her. He wasn't sure what part of the sentence made that sense go off, because it was still convincing enough to be the truth. "Are you certain you're alright? Please don't--" Kaito interrupted anything else he was about to say. "Luca! If she says she's okay, then she's okay - don't stress her out more than she already is!" He stood up to pull Lucas to his feet.

Usually, Lucas would comply and apologize, but she could see it on his face. He still wasn't convinced. "Let either of us know if you need anything, okay?" "Even if you just want to hang out! I can always spare time for you!" She waved at the two of them as they found themselves to the door, remaining seated for the moment. "You both worry too much, but I'll let you know. Enjoy your lunch!"

When the door closed behind them, Lucas spoke up. "She was acting strange, wasn't she?" "Even if she was, you shouldn't pry like that! Maybe she just doesn't want to share her thoughts with everyone."

She stared at the food on the table. She knew she should eat, but.... the idea of food made her churning stomach turn to butter.

Why... Why do they pretend to care so much? Why can't they leave me alone?

Her teeth ground together enough to make her jaw pop. She felt the sting of weakness in her eyes and watched the tears stain the table.

I'm not worth any of this.

The next knock at the door was brief before it opened. Yuri and Jiro had gotten (mostly) used to letting themselves in, just in case there was an emergency. She didn't lift her head. "You're down here already. Good." "Yeah, uhm. Kaito and Lucas came to visit. Right. You already knew that." Her voice struggled to remain level.

I sound like a sniveling child. Whining and crying for attention.

Since starting these more frequent checkups, Yuri had let his guard down slowly around her - and that bravado she always called him out on soon became more like a comedy act, she'd play along with a smile and a laugh. He noted how long it had been since she last did so genuinely. Based on the frequency patterns he took mentally, she was now at a point where she'd offer him the barest of smiles in response - so he didn't bother, if it wouldn't make her feel any better.

He moved to the table where Jiro had already started taking her vitals. He still wasn't sure how to approach this. Was he supposed to draw attention to her tears, but that could be embarrassing for her, but not knowing where it stems from keeps him from performing his job. His silence prompted her to speak up. She tried her best to salvage the pieces, finally lifting her head with a feigned laugh cracking beneath her tears.

"Graced by the only benevolent - and legitimate - doctor there is on this island again? Oh knowledgeable Dr. Yuri Isami, could you tell me the reason for my tears?"

It was his turn to play along this time. He scoffed, placing his hands on his hips - only to return to his thinking pose, offering her an exaggerated hum. "Well, worms do not cry - so I can conclude that you aren't one, as I had initially diagnosed. But it seems..."

He knelt down in front of her, looking at her face. The pain in her eyes broke his heart. He doesn't know when she stole it, to leave her marks over it and place it back in his chest. Each of her prints on it was like the most beautiful piece of art, each smile of hers was a note in a symphony until it was stitched together to form whatever feeling he felt when he was near her. A feeling that left him at a loss for words, an inability to form thoughts coherently and left him feverish. Red was an understatement as he lifted a gloved hand to rest on her cheek, wiping away a stray tear with his thumb. "I- It seems... th- that--" He cleared his throat and pulled back to stand up again, perhaps a bit too quickly as it looked more like he stumbled backwards onto his feet. "It seems that your tears are a product of physical pain that's not yet covered by your medications!"

Those weren't the tears of physical pain - but a pain that couldn't be touched by what he currently had on him. How he wished he could reach out and reassure her, but he was very well aware of how reassuring he could be. Which would be: not at all. She feigned a gasp. "However did you know?!" "You said it yourself, I am the great Dr. Yuri Isami!" His hands went back to his hips triumphantly. He took a seat at the table when Jiro had finished writing everything of her physical health down and did nothing but watch her, study every bit of her face, his gaze and smile now soft. "How are you feeling?"

"Not any different than usual." She looked away from a stare she read as scrutinizing, her voice dropping low. "Sorry... I know you two are working tooth and nail on this... if it's too much, really, you don't have to." No matter what anyone could say, it'd always exacerbate the issue. To tear her down would be to make her believe she deserves it, but to lift her up would have her feeling guilty. "Do you make a habit of telling your doctors they don't have to treat you?" He quirked a small smile as he deflected to a neutral route. "I suppose it sounds silly when you put it like that."

+++ ++ + ++ +++

Kaito scratched the back of his neck, grumbling in discontent. "The more you talk about it, the more I want to go back over there." Lucas folded his arms, peering around the room - which happened to be the entryway to Frostheim - eyes flicking over every one that passed by them. "Perhaps we can ask someone else to check on her?" "Maybe? I guess she probably wouldn't tell us much if we went back. She might just deny anything being wrong. But if we send the wrong person..." "...it could make it worse, right..."

Their conversation drew the attention of the one they wanted the least, most likely. Tohma wasn't like to leave without the information he wanted to glean from it. "Oh, my. What a conversation to have in the middle of the walkway - and here I thought you two were better friends than that." "AAHHH!!!" Kaito practically jumped out of his skin. "DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!!" "Mm." Despite the shrill scream, Tohma seemed wholly distracted with his own thoughts. "I take it our lovely honor student needs a bit of motivation?" "Uhhh... no. I don't think she wants to see you either." Kaito was surprisingly flat with the vice-captain, only to clear his throat and save himself poorly with two words. "No offense." "Oh, no, not me." Lucas pursed his lips. "....to be honest, sir, I think the Captain is an even worse idea." "Do you? I think he'd be rather glad to visit her." "...." Both Kaito and Lucas looked at each other incredulously, then turned those expressions to Tohma. "...."

+++ ++ + ++ +++

The evening had nearly rolled around by the time Yuri and Jiro had left. Yuri walked silently with his arms folded, lost in thought. "Yuri." "Hm?" "I think one of us should come back later to check on her. She... isn't doing very well. Emotionally." "...I know." He sighed. "If you could do so, I'd feel better about it." "Okay."

+++ ++ + ++ +++

She watched the two leave with a sadness she could only explain as "farewell". With the thoughts that plagued her all day, she knew that would be the last time she saw them. Maybe, in another life, it'll be better. Maybe she'll see them again. She hoped so. Her guilt weighed even heavier on her shoulders.

How could I do this to them? I'm a horrible person. That's why I deserve this. A waste of space and time. And... I... don't have to worry about the Kyklos curse if...

She closed the door behind her. If she wrote a note, what would it say? Maybe she shouldn't write one. It was too much effort anyways. She wasn't even sure if anyone would read it, let alone care enough to. She let out a heavy sigh and moved to find a piece of paper. She wrote a simple message on it.

"I'm sorry. But, if I really was sorry, then I wouldn't have done this. I hope you all can choose to forgive me."

She left it on the table and carefully climbed the loft in her room and went for the sheets, trying to think of the best way to follow through. Her fingers drifted over the soft cloth as she looked around. On the ceiling were sturdy rafters that could easily support her weight, but she determined it would be easier to use the railing over the edge of the loft. It wasn't time yet, however.

She had to wait until later in the night. Wait until everyone should be just thinking about retiring for the night, the time most wouldn't dare leave their rooms once they got comfortable.

A n d W h e n T h a t T i m e C a m e

+++

Jiro was already on his way back to her dorm, his legs carrying not quite at a run - but it most definitely wasn't a walk. He needed to move fast. There were so many emotions he couldn't properly name, but whatever it was made him keep his phone unlocked. Keep Yuri's number up. Keep him at the ready.

Whatever it was made him feel like what he would imagine an animal being hunted for sport would feel like.

Whatever it was made him understand the phrase "blood running cold".

Whatever it was made it unique to her.

He wouldn't feel this way with another - save Yuri - and he couldn't understand why. There was no logic, no efficiency, no productivity in the feeling. The... fear.

The...

h h h o o o r r r r r r o o o r r r

the- the- the- terrifying notion

that she... she won't be there. that he... he would never hear her again.

++

Irony had her shaking at the prospect of stepping off of the loft. Hesitation forced her to grab a small stool to place under the draped sheet rope. Conviction had the noose around her neck. The strength of her will, her most praised trait, kicked the stool out from under her.

it hurt. but. it could've been worse. her vision f a d e d

it was worse

and there, before the dark took her. and there, when the ringing started. and there, there, there, he was.

+

There were boots hitting the ground as fast as they could go - sprinting. When he made the call to Yuri, it was as simple as: "we were right". It was left to that, there was no time to waste on words.

They were lucky, lucky, so very lucky that she just passed out the moment he reached her. The speed of which Yuri was able to make it back with everything needed for immediate treatment would easily remind the most complacent student that this man, was, in fact, a ghoul. He made it there in a fraction of the time Jiro did, making it look as if he had tailed him there.

The only time a doctor feels panic is when it's someone he loves.

++

In the dark, there's an audience of two. The disbelief written on their faces. They must have been sharing the same nightmare.

What would cause someone to do that? What would cause her to do that?

Was it...

the thoughts of half those there they spiraled. they were twisted in the same dance he did with her.

was it... it... was... wasn't it....

. i t

. w a s

. h i s

. f a u l t

+++

[i-write-things-sometimes]

i DID NOT expect this to explode like this lmaooo i've posted my first part of the story, but now i gotta take me a vote:

and now for my first post ♪(´▽｀)

recently got into a game that i wish i knew existed earlier and at the same time, my mind is now absolutely rotting from it. so. uh.

anyone else in the tokyo debunker fandom ever think about how absolutely fucked MC would be if they were disabled/used any sort of disability aid or is that just me LMAO

thinking about writing something about it....... hmmm........

might start something on this few hour flight i have later today

[i-write-things-sometimes]

Better Off Alone (Part 1)

Context: mc's medical conditions are coming back to bite.

(everyone's disabilities are different and affect them differently. if you enjoy writing, i'd love to see your pieces writing about mc struggling with your experiences with your disabilities! with that in mind, this series of stories will reflect my own experiences with my disabilities.)

POV: this is written in gender-neutral 3rd person (they/them). i'm not sure if i want to keep the pov like this, or if people would prefer 2nd person (you/your). also, is g/n the preferred 3rd person choice? looking for serious opinions regarding this ;u;

Content Warnings: because this talks about about disabilities, this does cover a lot of themes centered around physical health. so anything from pain descriptors to passive suicidal ideation, and everything in between.

Other Notes: this mc uses a cane as a mobility aid, but is not a strict necessity. this mc is more medically inclined than most! i've found medical stuff to be deeply fascinating learning more and more about my disabilities. would've gotten this done sooner if i wasn't waffling back and forth so much on how i wanted to present the idea - originally wanted to make it a 'mc x jiro' drabble, but then instead was hit with the brilliant idea of "okay but what if you make it hurt a lot, like A LOT". so now this is a multipart story instead of a single piece :)c

tad bit over 2k word count, tagging @im-no-mechanic-but by request (╹ڡ╹ )

EDIT: OMFG Y'ALL I'M SO SORRY. this story takes place in between chapters 6 and 7, so there's tiny bits of spoilers regarding the previous chapters ;n; I forgot to mention that

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Their body screamed, it ached and cried and begged. If there were any benevolent gods out there, surely they would have offered them some form of salvation from the pain. And yet it suffocated their movements, their thoughts, and every time those words - the desperate sobs for relief, groveling for even a little bit of a break - hit the back of their throat they swallowed them down with the pill of knowledge. Knowledge that if they said anything, it'd be used against them.

It always was.

Every.

Little.

Flaw.

Was used against them. They were certain that if they weren't so focused on how much they hurt, they could keep up with it all. That this wouldn't be a terrible place to be. That every jab would roll off of their back like water instead of clinging to it like grease, leaving the disgusting residue of loathing. Even if kindness came to scrub their back of it, they're certain it's stained after this long.

It was like this before they came to Darkwick too. They weren't certain if they'd ever escape the feeling. The bog of every criticism and comment dragging their legs down - as if they didn't have enough problems with them already. They did replace their old cane with a newer one, not that it did any good. It felt like every new mission, they were forced to get a new cane.

They lost the first after being knocked unconscious by the anomalies at the Long Legs Estate.

Second, when Takeru nearly dragged them over the balcony.

Third, when they were pulled underwater by Towa.

The fourth was lost in the wreckage of the casino.

Thankfully, Hotorubi's mission kept the fifth from harm - the same could not be said of Obscuary's. Not only were they forced to leave it behind to catch up to Lyca before nightfall, it was lost to the void after they were swallowed whole.

They were already dreading having to track down Professor Nickolas for a sixth. It didn't matter, regardless, did it? No one could comprehend having good or bad days, and now 80% of the school believes they're faking the need for it after being able to walk some without one. Until they manage the will to track Nickolas down, however....

"I expect you to be here in five minutes or less if I call you!"

Being scolded. By Romeo. Again. At least he didn't degrade them this time.

"Sorry..."

"Don't apologize unless you plan to start meeting those expectations UBB!"

Nevermind.

"...that's a new one." They sighed, only letting out a breathy laugh in spite of themself. "I'm going to assume the name didn't actually change, and you're just adding "useless" to the front of it."

Their response had whatever papers they needed to take to Hyde nearly thrown at them.

"Right. I'll take that as my cue to leave."

It was always best to leave as soon as possible whenever Sinostra was involved. If it wasn't Romeo's scathing remarks, it was Taiga's chaos or Ritsu's lectures. The house was more exhausting and taxing than any of the others (even if Frostheim had way too many stairs).

They left as quickly as they could. The moment they managed to leave the casino, they looked down at the papers - while there were only a few, they felt like a textbook in their arms. The weight of the day was making their knees buckle.

I'll take these to Hyde tomorrow. I need to rest.

The thoughts of returning to their room powered their feet to move forward. Not only did it hurt to walk, it was getting more and more difficult. It was slow going and their room was so far away. So. So far away. When their eyes turned up from the paper, there was another familiar face walking their way--

But that's all they comprehended before they were suddenly staring at the ceiling of - based on the smell alone - a doctor's office. If that space of nothing in that time was what death felt like, it was starting to sound like a pleasant experience. They kept quiet. All of their thoughts were both loud and silent. There was everything and nothing in them. In the end, they inhaled sharply and exhaled a knifepoint sigh. Without moving their head, they looked to the side where a tall figure was taking their vitals.

They were familiar with both Jiro and Yuri as the ones who took care of their health checkups, but they had yet to have been to Mortkranken. They always came to them. Not that they expected to be anything more than some science experiment. Constantly prodded. Tested. They idly wondered just how painful the clinical trials of their drugs would be. When they finally registered that they had been staring at Jiro like a dead fish, they mustered a weak smile.

"Dare I ask how I got here?"

"Syncope episode."

"I... see."

The way the words pulled past their teeth much like hair did made him clarify.

"You fainted."

"Oh... I know what it means." They huffed out a small laugh. "Sorry. I was trying to think of why as I was speaking."

"...I'd rather not be kept in the dark if there's a reason. I just... want to know."

Despite the evenness in his expression - what others would describe as "emotionless" - they could swear they saw some level of regret in his eyes. Like he knew the answer and refused to speak it. He closed them as a sigh left his nose.

"Yuri should go over it with you."

"..." Their silence and stare didn't phase him, but something about this time seemed different. Something about this time was very different, actually. He sat down slowly on a nearby stool.

"He went to check if the labs we conducted were correct."

His choice of words hit their ears in a strange way. They sang like some odd combination of peace and a hurtling cannon ball directed at their gut. The answer to all of their questions was a paper away and it was so severe, that a man who could never admit that he was wrong left of his own accord to check if it was. They couldn't help but ask.

"How many times has he?"

"This is his third time."

"Triple-checking the results of a lab test, uhm. That's a little excessive, isn't it?"

"Yes."

His short answer which led nowhere made them laugh softly, though that caused a sharp pain to stab them in the middle of their chest. They clawed at the space between their ribs, a vain attempt to soothe the pain. They breathed slowly, sucking each painful breath through their teeth, closing their eyes and following all the steps in their head to cope with whatever that new symptom was before opening them again. The first thing they noticed was the most amusing thing - Jiro was on his feet again. Going between checking their vitals and his phone, which started blowing up in succession afterwards. That's when the questions started.

"What does it feel like?"

"Like it could be solved by being stabbed with an ice pick."

"I wouldn't recommend treating pain with an ice pick. So, sharp, then. One to ten?"

"I've had migraines worse than this."

They made a small game of the questions they'd been asked more times than there were stars in the sky. They wanted to see if he could decipher their answers, to see if they could make him ask for clarification. Unfortunately, their fun was ruined, because he was surprisingly good at his job.

"An eight, then. Have you had this specific pain before?"

"Yeah."

He placed his hand against his chin in thought, then sent another message to - whom they could only presume to be - Yuri. Another came back quickly.

"What makes it worse?"

"Living."

The response caught him off guard and they could swear they heard a stifled laugh.

"Breathing and moving. Okay. What makes it better?"

"I don't think anything does. It just goes away on it's own eventually."

"Could be costochondritis if it's reoccurring."

With their game deftly beaten by a swift potential diagnosis, they began to realize that Yuri triple-checking their lab results filled them with excitement fueled anxiety. No sooner did the realization set in did the door open slowly. They didn't move their head to look, not even their eyes. Yet again, did all of the pieces seem to fall into place differently - it could've been paranoia, but Yuri most definitely never opened the door in melancholic meticulosity as it had just now. Which meant one of two things:

1). That wasn't Yuri.

2). That was Yuri and this was hitting him harder than it was them for some reason.

"Jiro, come out here."

"Okay."

Just like that, Jiro stood up to leave the room through door number two. All they could hear was the muffled ravings of a passionate doctor. Vaguely, they could hear the phrase: "what do they gain by not saying anything". Straining their ears to hear more of the conversation only made their head hurt, so they simply waited until the door opened again. Before Yuri could announce himself with the typical bravado he usually does, they beat him to the punch.

"What's got you so wound up that you had to check if the results were right three times?"

"J- Jiro! What did you tell them?!"

"The answers to their questions."

The lack of substance to his response left little room for scrutiny, making Yuri sputter for a moment before he cleared his throat.

They knew the words that would leave his mouth would be loud, demeaning (while less harsh than Romeo, was still somewhat grating after everything). They spoke just as he had opened his mouth.

"Can you talk to me like a doctor would a patient? And not like I'm about to be spliced open? Just. Whatever you found, please. I'm tired, everything hurts, and I'd like to not have to lay on this bed any longer."

"......."

The silence was new from him. Usually he was all words. They waited patiently. He whispered something under his breath, gave the papers to Jiro, and left after that.

"...Guess that was too hard for him."

After some longer silence as Jiro skimmed the test results, a single thoughtful "hm" was the noise he made.

"This is evidence that Darkwick knows what conditions you're working with and are choosing to neglect treating them, not to mention neglecting to give you your own medical history."

"...what?" They already had a feeling about it, but still couldn't help the soft exclamation of disbelief.

"To summarize, you have multiple diagnoses with overlapping symptoms. First, the syncope episode. Postural Orthostatic--"

"--Tachycardia Syndrome. POTS, yeah."

"Yuri wrote about wanting a full panel genetics test, as well as a full body MRI when there's time. Do you experience neuropathy?"

"Mhm. In my hands and forearms, feet, and lower jaw."

"While Yuri still wants the results of an EEG, we can make the assumption with these results that you have small fiber neuropathy caused by either EDS or an autoimmune disorder - we'd need skin biopsies from several areas of the body to determine the root cause."

Their mouth hung open a little. As much as they wanted to be angry about it being kept from them initially. How could they be now? All of those answers, they were there. They may have already been slightly closer to the Mortkranken ghouls than the others because of the health complications they had originally when they arrived, but it still confused them.

"Why is Yuri so upset about this? I'd think he'd be happy to find out."

"Happy to find out... you have multiple incurable diseases and disorders?"

"Ah. It's the "incurable" part, isn't it? But it's not like they're life threatening, like my curse is."

"....There is a lot incorrect about that sentence, it makes it difficult to prioritize which response I should give. The best treatment for your current symptoms is rest. We can prescribe some medication for your pain, then check on you tomorrow morning. For now, I'll take you home."

[i-write-things-sometimes]

and now for my first post ♪(´▽｀)

recently got into a game that i wish i knew existed earlier and at the same time, my mind is now absolutely rotting from it. so. uh.

anyone else in the tokyo debunker fandom ever think about how absolutely fucked MC would be if they were disabled/used any sort of disability aid or is that just me LMAO

thinking about writing something about it....... hmmm........

might start something on this few hour flight i have later today