iamablackwoman - Tumblr blog

[iamablackwoman]

Listen to Your Voice

You-I’m gonna be great,

Them-No your not you got bipolar

You-I’m gonna be a mother

Them-Well you got to find a man first

You-I’m gonna be a lawyer

Them-Didn’t you say you want to get into real estate?

Becareful with words for there is an action to every one of them.

Becareful with sounds because they’re tones that vibrate to your soul.

Listen to the voice of others and see that your greatness comes from you.

Words that meditate in your spirit sirens out waves, which searches for the fish that will eat it’s food.

Seek validation within and let the path connect to its divine destiny.

- Love Butterfly Leaf

[iamablackwoman]

BOSS LADY

I put heels on my feet tonight. I wanted to feel some heat tonight. Self care is apart of total health and I was feeling on welfare. Bummy sweats and T-shirts ain’t really my style. I like blouses and pencil skirts letting minds go wild. I’m a strong type of chick can seem like a threat, but really I’m wise looking for a check. I mean not in money but true wealth. I’m taking interest in myself. Building some equity and making some changes. I’m not looking to be paid minimum wages. I want to boss my life up with true substance and I can’t do all that looking loveless.

[iamablackwoman]

The day my black ass laughed...

Simply put, you know that feeling that you get in your gut that something is about to happen, woman’s intuition shit? You’re in too deep and the current is coming and you finna go under under!!! You pleading for dear life like let me get a lifesaver this one time!! Well if you shook your head yes then grab a seat!

Dude stands about 5’9. Comes into the store like a true god. Nicely trimmed beard, timberlands chunky, got the taliband scarf wrapped across his yankee fitted and face like Jesus coming into Jerusalem. Now I normally have a thing for the chocolate brothers, but this Carmel complexioned mocha dipped man came to play!! Everything seemed right. He looked better than his MySpace profile and everything girl!!! He had the Mariah Carey fan on lock, I’m telling you it was a whole commercial. I dead stopped breathing....I am not lying.

Now he told me off the bat on one of our many phone conversations that women be throwing they draws at him on the first night so sis wasn’t trynna get the wham bam!!! We chatted and walked through the mall, ate at Dave and Busters, did a little shopping and flicked it up. Still to this day that was the best first date I ever had. We went our separate ways and once I got home, my life has never been the same since.

I knew there was something about him that attracted me so heavily. Not just his swag and sex appeal. I mean our conversations were lit and perplexed, we had mad shit in common at the time and we just vibed. I was fresh out of a relationship and just lost my first baby in a miscarriage and he was due to be a first time father on the same day my baby would have been born, like wtf how??? He wasn’t with his child’s mother and we literally bonded over talking about our exes and what space we were in. Now that I think about it, it was a really comforting time.

This man was special to me, I hung on to every word, every breath this man had I was right there sucking up the air. We had become really good friends. I learned a lot about him and his life and admired his ability to traject his self into another dimension from his past. He literally reshaped his life and built his self a new one. I never quite understood how he lives his life so assured, so forcefully. Like anything he put his hands on turns to gold like King Midas. I’ve seen this man accomplish so much and be such a great Dad to his kid and couldn’t see any fault in his makeup.

At this point you can assume that the relationship had gotten physical. I mean I honestly I don’t even have to mention that because the relationship was so much more than that. But girl he was so sensual, so soft and gentle with me, he wasn’t trynna prove nothing in his strokes or ram me like a fucking elephant. He was calm, and always on point. The sex was good but always an additive.

We always had our back and forths and misunderstandings because the way he lived his life. We didn’t have the same spiritual beliefs and we got into a lot of controversial topics because of it. This man grew up in the era of NOI and real educated hip hop, I mean the culture hip hop. He gained knowledge through the NGE, and master teachers of that time. Here I am this little Christian girl, seasoned in nothing but regurgitated mumbo jumbo. Always gotta have a word and put my two pieces in, gotta sound intelligent too, besides I gotta save him because that’s what Christian’s do, right?

Years and years and years go by. We separate for a while not too much in contact with one another. In the meantime I get married and he gets engaged and has another baby. Now we never actually dated each other. We always remained friends because our views got too opposing. There was one time when I did want to learn and be taught his ways, I messed up because I loss control of my emotions and got jealous and got caught up in some dumb shit, which cost me. The feeling that you get once a man don’t trust you anymore is super horrible.

My marriage began to fail and took so much out of me mentally and physically that I sought him out. Come to find out he and his fiancé are having trouble as well, go figure! We began to go back to our MySpace days again, talking about our exes. Staying on the phone all late again. Getting chummy and making light of our circumstances. I discovered that deep down inside I really have aligned my heart with this dude. He really listens, he gets me, I mean my core.

So months later, I separate from my husband and I touch base. You know just filling each other in on what’s new and what’s next. I began to fantasize and align my life with his. Trying to figure out what his next moves are and making plans in my head. Not plucking my remedial ass like, homegirl, “yous is married still!” I know I was heading for a divorce and trying to get back on track but I was following the same path.

No matter what person, thing, or place comes into your life, those are additives. You can’t lead YOUR life following someone else’s storyline. I had to really laugh at myself. I was starting to get annoyed and hurt by some of the talks we started having and how he analyzed my current situation and even though it was harsh and nasty, it was truth.

I had to get back on board. I had to discover MY next and now. Like girl wash your face and clean ya place before you get back into that cycle of putting these dudes first. What type of fabric do you like, what are you doing to define yourself? How’s your total health going? What feminine energy did you connect with and sow into. What’s your mother up to, how’s Grammy? Sis, what are you DOINGGGGGAHHH?

I just had to sit back and laugh at my black ass because here I was healing and in the same breath heading toward dangerous territory. Falsifying everything I told myself I would do after leaving my toxic relationship. I ain’t perfect but this single life, this time around, this gonna be my realest mirroring experience yet. It’s just you, it’s just you sis. The only important things in your life are inside of you and if you don’t take care of you, you will become your own worst enemy. Whew, I had to get back on track because I almost died!

[iamablackwoman]

Nights like This

Hissing furnace, I lay flat on my tummy, thinking how long will it take to start making some real money. Flashing thoughts and emotions flowing, I took my medicine so I’m gonna be alright. It’s 3:49am. I’m finally free and feeling a little guilty and in the back of my mind I know it’s doubt. It’s been a long time and my confidence has fallen short. Still working on looking at myself with happy thoughts. I got broken but it won’t be long until I pick myself back up. It won’t be long til I bust a strut, it won’t be long til I bust a nut. Lol. Body is still young and mind still works, this lonely bone is striving for a source. I’m focused now and got bigger goals so it’s not wise to go looking to fill my holes. Nights like this are tricky and slow when all I really want to do is sleep but memories and anxiety aren’t a good mix. Nights like this , I need peace of mind....

[iamablackwoman]

Bang Bang Bang Freestyle spoken word piece on IGTV

[iamablackwoman]

What would you do, and how would you replace your time? #socialmediafast #sixmonths #writer #blogger #lover #puttingyourselffirst #ask #creative #answer #discuss #artistlife This is real life for me once I'm all moved in my new city! My inquiring mind wants to know... (at Throggs Neck)

[iamablackwoman]

Did ya'll see Lupita's fine ass??!! Yes this is everything ❤️❤️❤️

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Lip Sync Battle champ Lupita Nyong’o

[iamablackwoman]

This is true!

not to be fake deep or anything but as much as we like to believe that we are good people…we all have the capacity to be toxic and draining to someone else and may have actually been without realizing

[iamablackwoman]

❤️❤️❤️

Candids that came out perfect… I’m either laughing or the cliche look away

[iamablackwoman]

❤️❤️❤️

My professor talked about how women aren’t used to asking for things in the work place, such as raises, because we’re conditioned to downplay our achievements and hold off on asserting our value. She discussed how, even now at this stage in her career (a published doctrate), she shakes when she askes to be considered for a raise and about the first time she was really successful at getting one. After class I asked her what she asked her boss and she winked at me, took me to her office, and asked me to take notes.

She said she practiced this technique like 5 times in her office before she requested a meeting with her boss. I’m gonna share it with you guys because I really loved it.

You start off by thanking your employer for their support (whatever that means in the context of your work environment). You then say that you would like to take some time to discuss next year’s salary. You say, allow me to refresh your memory regarding some of my accomplishments or contributions from the past year, and you present a written summary of all that you’ve done. You close by saying, I hope that next year’s salary reflects this list of contributions and you thank them for their time and see yourself out.

I just loved how she made it seem so much less daunting of a task. She said not to underestimate your achievements as women have a tendency underreporting what they’ve done.

The fact that she shared this with me really meant a lot as well as women really need to be there to empower each other and help guide each other towards success. So if you end up using this, let me know! I want to see how it works for you ^_^.

[iamablackwoman]

When I look at what I created, it makes me smile. Reminds me that I can do things from scratch. You're not really living life to its full extent if you can't rebuild from nothing. Creators create. When I make it on the other side, I'll sit very still in satisfaction and say, "you a mothafcukin G" lol #iamablackwoman #sensuallysingle #missionmixer #mindfucker #templekisser #soulvibes #lifeengineer #love #blogger #writer

[iamablackwoman]

Relinquish all my rights to ever claim possession over you. Allow my bird house to be a forever feeding to your soul. I have aborted tradition as I know of to sit on the branch of your tree. We've always talked about loyalty and what it means but now I see it's to be free. Your choice, your voice, my choice, my voice. Our hearts intertwine with every grind of the hips.. I'm feasting in love off my own shit, but your apart of it in a special way. We took off conditions to love and made it our say. They may not understand it and who gives a fuck. With every breath I take it's not in luck, but divine fate like the timing of an ice cream truck. I'm aware and not struck, for I know the depth it takes, and for however long I'm here for this journey and all the mistakes...

[iamablackwoman]

Real time boo... never down too long unless my spirit is wrong. But she feeling right like the roads clear and her destiny bright. I'm not gassing nobody or spitting no game. This here is a mystical wave can't you tell by her name? #Love #goodvibetribe #templekisser #mindfucker #missionmixer #sensuallysingle #iamablackwoman

[iamablackwoman]

And sometimes my mood gets so hood, I'm like "fcuk it Ma, what's good?" As I look deeper into her eyes I see all of that anger, all of the pain, and all of that danger. Mask ain't covering much, makeup ain't thick enough... she's the one she been talking bout cuz her rap ain't picking up. She lives in a society where the rat gets big and tough cuz the poison that was laid just sticks to her. I mean she got immune to it cuz she peeped all the coons and whips...now she in tune and splits. Her moves are quick and her logic is sick. You though you had her number but she gambled and hit! #iamablackwoman #writer #blogger #societaldisrupter #lover #mindfucker #templekisser #missionmixer #sensuallysingle #goodvibetribe

[iamablackwoman]

Last night with mi gals dem 😂❤️❤️❤️ #roommatelife #chippednailsdontcare #lol #ifixedthem #pregame #preturnup #sensuallysingle #iamablackwoman #blogger #writer #goodvibetribe (at Throggs Neck)

[iamablackwoman]

And I looked at what I saw as mastery, conflicted heart put my soul on hold. I was trying to stop this road with stories untold... now I be open like an elevator. If you ain't punching the right button door close like the mouth of an alligator. I'm feeling magical and more creative... found peace in that tongue and made history... who willing to listen? Me. Who willing to glisten? Me. Who ready for the glory, the gory, and the mission man? Me! Who can tighten they position? Who am I really missing. Who can extenuate the vision.... man me!

[iamablackwoman]

"Feel di riddim, feel di rhyme, get on up, it's bobsled time!!!" ❤️❤️❤️#iamablackwoman #sensuallysingle #tumblr #writer #blogger #lessons #love #life