iceling4ever

[iceling4ever]

Feeling a little sad as I walk along the paths I had walked 10-20 years ago at Aster Place, Manhattan. All the supermarkets that existed before are now gone. Replaced with something else. I start to realize that nothing in life is constant. The only constant is change. I learn a family friend/acquaintance passed away today. Although I have only known him for a month or two while in Suriname and then kept in contact here and there on holidays, learning of his passing saddens me. Makes me realize how very fragile and weak life truly is. He was in NYC with his family some time last year and even went to have tea time with my parents in Queens/Flushing. How does life fall so quickly? Just like my mom’s school friend / neighbor, and like my ex’s mom. They got sick suddenly and then quickly the progression of health decline till their death. How is life like this? As each day draws closer to our own end … I cannot stop but think of my parents and grandma’s mortality… I am not ready to let them go any time soon … they need to live 20-30 more years. But that’s just me being greedy. This post saddens me to write my emotions and feelings of this topic. It’s too much to bare. I understand my counterparts- my friends and significant other - they have loss their love ones too early in their lives. I feel their pain, anguish and sadness all at once.

I think this is why I like to celebrate my birthday for the whole two months of April and May. Each day is precious and should be spent with meaning and purpose. Each day pass by moping in sadness is a day wasted. We need to look to the future with hope and happiness. Joy in our hearts… each day is a gift from God. We are all living on borrowed time… make the most of each day. My aunt’s condition also doesn’t seem very positive either… but she is still here. Still doing her best - I pray that God look after her and ease her pain and heal her body and spirit. Cancer is a silent killer that attacks us each and every day during our cell regeneration and transcription… we need to do everything in our powers to make our bodies stronger to fight and fix all the wrong DNA sequences. Let’s try our best together! Healthy body, healthy mind, healthy heart! Praise be the Lord for his Grace and Guidance!

[iceling4ever]

My right side pains (probably endometriosis) is killing me. I can’t function today and last night was equally as difficult. When will this pain stop?! Lord, please help me! Where is my master healer when I need him. Please let him come to USA … 😭😭😭

[iceling4ever]

A Call To Action: Please share this video and signing the petition in support of saying “No to building a homeless shelter at 2134 coyle street Brooklyn” stand in solidarity and support our neighborhood and community!

My thoughts:

I strongly object to the bait and switch plan to build a homeless shelter in our neighborhood instead of affordable housing which was originally proposed.

While we understand there is a need to support those in difficult times, this location is simply not suitable. In recent years the crime rate surrounding the areas of Coyle street, Bragg and Brigham has increased. We do not need additional issues that a homeless shelter will bring to our already struggling community. A homeless shelter could lead to increased crime, safety concerns, and a decline in property value. Our community does not have the necessary resources to support such a facility, and many residents are worried about how it will affect their daily lives.

There are 17 SCHOOLS AND 15 DAYCARE CENTERS within the vicinity of this proposed shelter site. As a tax payer and a parent, I worry for the safety of our children.

There are better locations with access to social services and public transportation that would be more suitable.

The city should take residents’ concerns seriously and reconsider this decision. We deserve a say in what happens in our neighborhood and in our community!

We are asking The Brooklyn Community Board 15, our city council members, the Mayor and our community elected officials to take a stand in solidarity with us, to protect and preserve our neighborhood, and the safety of our families and children by saying “No to this proposal for a homeless shelter in this neighborhood.”

[iceling4ever]

Happy Lunar Chinese New Year!! Kayla throughout the years!

[iceling4ever]

It's my 11 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[iceling4ever]

It’s autumn and so much more !!! I love this time of the year … when it’s not too cold yet and the changing color leaves and foliage. It’s a wonderful season

[iceling4ever]

Why do I feel sad, empty and overall stressed. A feeling I haven’t felt in a while. Is it because of my conversation with my bro last night about his life and lack of plans. Or the big explosive talk with my sister and brother-in-law and parents over their current predicament. Or the fact that my husband finally flew back from 2 months of Rehab and fell asleep after dinner and didn’t even make the time to come and see his daughter like he promised. Or my health issues getting to me. It seems everyone has problems. When will life get easier?! Will it get easier?

[iceling4ever]

The Gates Millennium Scholars (GMS) program, established in 1999, is a 1.6 billion dollar initiative funded by grant from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

The Goal:

The goal of the GMS program is to promote academic excellence and to provide an opportunity for outstanding minority students with significant financial need to reach their highest potential by:

Reducing financial barriers for African American, American Indian/Alaska Native, Asian Pacific Islander American and Hispanic American students with high academic and leadership promise who have significant financial need.

Increasing the representation of these target groups in the disciplines of computer science, education, engineering, library science, mathematics, public health and the sciences, where these groups are severely underrepresented.

Developing a diversified cadre of future leaders for America by facilitating successful completion of bachelor’s, master’s and doctoral degrees.

Providing seamless support from undergraduate through doctoral programs for students selected as Gates Millennium Scholars entering target disciplines.

GMS Scholarship Benefits:

Support for the cost of education by covering unmet need and self-help aid. Renewable awards for Gates Millennium Scholars maintaining satisfactory academic progress. Graduate school funding for continuing Gates Millennium Scholars in the areas of computer science, education, engineering, library science, mathematics, public health or science. Leadership development programs with distinctive personal, academic and professional growth opportunities.

GMS selected 1,000 new Scholars each year and we are now funding over 20,000 Gates Scholars since 2000.

Approximately 54% of scholars are first-generation students – the first ones in their families to go to college.

The average undergraduate GPA is just over 3.0.

The average first-year undergraduate student retention rate is 96.2% (Active or deferment) among Gates Scholars; the average second-year rate is 93.2% (Active/Deferment).

The six-year graduation rate is nearly 90%, compared to the 58% of all college students in America (for low-income students specifically, the number is around 41%).

Nearly 37.5% percent of Gates Millennium Scholars transition into graduate school after earning a Bachelor’s degrees.

Gates Millennium Scholars have enrolled in 1,742 different colleges and universities.

14,677 Gates Millennium Scholars have completed a degree since the Program’s inception.

Of the active entering Freshmen in the 2015 cohort, 40.9% (n=399) are attending highly selective colleges which admit one-third or fewer of their applicants. 51.1% (n=499) are attending colleges which admit 40% or fewer of their applicants. 58.7% (n=574) are attending colleges which admit less than half of their applicants.

Gates Scholars have come from all 50 states and all American territories and commonwealths.

The GMS Program is more than just a scholarship. GMS offers Gates Millennium Scholars with Academic Empowerment (ACE) services to encourage academic excellence; mentoring services for academic and personal development; and an online resource center that provides internship, fellowship and scholarship information.

[iceling4ever]

Wow! The MTA bus finally got more considerate in their design placement. A woman engineer must had put in her input on this design schematics.

I still remember my second time taking the bus with Kayla with a stroller. The bus driving was nothing but a complete @$$hole and that is me being nice and putting it nicely. Cause that man must had been a single lonely person with no wife, no kids, no friends. The most inconsiderate driver I had ever witness in my life. After that experience I try not to use a stroller on the bus as much to avoid my own anger from coming out if ever have to witness that experience again.

I don't know if I ever told the story in FB or any of my blogs so here it goes... story time

I was going out with my daughter, this was when she was less than a year old and couldn't walk at that time. I don't remember where I was going, maybe 8th Avenue or somewhere. I had my daughter in her stroller and the bus that came was the newer buses that had the drop down and out ramps for the wheelchair, strollers, and shopping carts. The male driver drives up to the B9 bus stop, sees me there waiting for the bus and ask if I was coming in. He sees me waiting, as I was waiting for him to open the ramp hence I didn’t go in yet. I waited and he did not open the ramp, hence he asked if I was going in. In which time, I tell him “ yes I am taking the bus, I am waiting for you to open and drop down the ramp so I can bring my stroller and daughter in.” Meanwhile, the driver yells at me and says “the ramp is only for wheelchairs not for strollers. Please fold up your stroller and walk in.” I gave him a look and said in the nicest tone I could, even though inside I was boiling mad as hell 😾 and said, “Sir, I am a single mom, I don’t have my husband or other help with me. I have lots of things inside the bottom of my stroller (food/groceries), diaper bag and my daughter inside the stroller. There was no way I could take my daughter who couldn’t walk yet, the stroller and all those items into the bus by myself if I fold up the stroller. Does that guy have no common sense or is he just a woman hater?! Like seriously. I nicely replied, “Sir, I will fold up my stroller once I get on, please open the ramp. There is no way I can get on without the ramp.” He replied back, okay but the ramp is not for your stroller, it’s for wheelchair use only. Next time be more prepare and fold up your stroller before boarding. I relied back while holding in my anger, “Thank you.” Once on the bus, I took my daughter out of the stroller, place her in my carry-on baby carrier on me. Places all the groceries, cooked food and diaper bag on the seat next to me and folded the stroller. Meanwhile the bus I was on was not even packed. It had lots of empty space, probably about half full. The bastard! Then while almost at my stop, I put my daughter back on the stroller, placed all my groceries and food back on the bottom of the stroller and my diaper bag on my stroller. About 1 mile before my bus stop to exit, I get up with my baby stroller and proceed to go to the front of the bus. Once at my bus, again I was waiting for the driver to open the ramp so I could leave the bus. He sees me waiting, so I said “Sir, this is my stop, I am getting off here.” He replies “then get off.” I replied, “I can’t. I am waiting for you to bring down the ramp so I can stroller out.” Then he had the freakin audacity to replied “Madam, the ramp is for wheelchair use only, not for strollers.” I then replied in as nice a tone as I could and said, “I am sorry, as you can see I am a single parent and I can’t get out by myself without the ramp.” Then he let down the ramp and I got out and went home with my daughter.

That day was the first time in my life where I met such a stupid and inconsiderate man. No compassion, no common sense and full of hatred in my view for woman and kids. Probably a single man! And if he continues that bullshit will probably be single for life. As mad as I was, I was grateful that I was able to take my daughter out and do some errands and buy groceries and food.

Sometimes in life, we go through these negative experiences and it changes the way we think about people and the world in general. We learn to not be like them. We learn from their flaws to be more considerate to others in need. That’s my life lesson from that. We never know what others are going through. And the struggles of parenthood.

So when I saw this sign on the MTA B3 bus today I was more than happy and thrilled. Means they are consciously giving a spot for an “Open Stroller” as it is showing that the MTA is acknowledging the struggles of having a baby and a stroller. @MTA #MTA Thank you for the acknowledgment. I am sure many mommies and their babies are happy by this. Now please install more of these on other buses! And please educated your drivers that the ramp is for the “handicap, disable, wheelchair, strollers, wheel carts, shopping carts, elderly walkers, cane walkers, people that need a ramp assistance. Not just for people with wheelchair!

[iceling4ever]

My mother’s day Gift from my Daughter … Part 2

[iceling4ever]

My mother’s day Gift from my Daughter … Part 1 Happy Early 3rd Mother’s Day to me!

[iceling4ever]

Yesterday evening I realized that emotional pain is equally as detrimental to the body as physical pain. I have never in my life experience the kind of stress induced emotional heart response pain as I did last night. My whole body started to be in shock mode. Leading to high blood pressure, a pounding headache, heart palpitations, muscle spasms in my calf, stroke like symptoms in my brain, neck and heart. I felt sick to my stomach, couldn’t breathe for a good half hour. Felt nauseous, hungry, feeling of wanting to vomit but can’t. Head was shaking in pain with nerves expanding and contracting. Heart was slowly started pounding and beating abnormally. It was the closest I had to going into cardiac shock. Outwardly, I was on my knees and crying a storm - in agony and pain. Inwardly, I was feeling what I just describe above.

Already exhausted from a lack of sleep from the week. A long day at work, sadness in my mind/ heart and yet I had to come home to a broken home where my dad was screaming and fighting with my mom over lack of helping my mom with household duties because he is too busy enjoying his life going to the elderly center while my mom is alone at home taking care of the family responsibilities- helping me take care of Kayla. Helping my sis take care of Andrew, in charge of household cooking and cleaning, buying groceries and on top of that being exhausted and in pain physical from her many ailments in her body due to Years of overworking and abuse to her body. I appreciate everything my mom has done for me, she has helped me a lot with my daughter. Looking after her while I am working. My daughter is a handful and being in her 70s it’s a challenge for mom. Especially with her neck surgery and pains related to that amongst other things. I know her personality is one that needs everything done and tidy in the house. A trait that I think I picked up from her. As I am that way in my own house. But she is also a type A personality. A person that has no patience and wants everything done now now… I am a type B personality where everything can wait a little with some type A. My husband unfortunately is all type B where it gets to the point that it really affects me deeply. His laziness has no bound. He is always tired even when he sleeps 10+ hours or who is mostly never sober and always either is drunk, feels and acts drunk (from what he claims is exhaustion) or he is puking and vomiting and dizzy. Never a moment where I find him “normal” and that to me is just unacceptable in any culture. He needs to understand he needs to fix himself up. Whether that be going to professional alcoholic rehabiliation or getting treatment. I can’t see myself in a family with him and our daughter if he continues down this path of self destruction. With his current state he can’t help me with Kayla. He can barely help himself. The worse is what is his mom doing to help or control her son. Taking away his money, credit card and driver license. How the fuck does that help?! So stupid! Put him through rehab damn it. Forcing him to work his job and pay for the house mortgage, credit card bills, and his other sibling bills and mother’s bills ?? How is this helping him. My God, the fact that he hasn’t loss his mind in that type of environment and abuse is beyond me. But yet again, maybe this is how he copes with this maternal abuse by abusing himself with alcohol and sleeping to avoid his life problems. The war in Russia and the death of his maternal grandma and death of his father doesn’t seem to help his psyche either. Not to mention his many years of childhood PTSD from having a weapon put to his throat or being hit and abuse growing up for not being an obedient kid. I am sure we each has been through some type of abuse.

I know I had. Last night’s body reaction is to that abuse - getting yelled at by my father for not doing more to take care of my daughter and that he should be allow to live his life and enjoy the elderly center and that my mom shouldn’t have to work so hard to raise my child that it’s my husband and my responsibility to watch our child. As mom was complaining to dad to help out more instead of going to the elderly center 7 days a week and avoiding all family obligations and responsibilities as mom is exhausted and tired and her body is breaking down. I know exactly how my mom feels. Not until I became a mom did I understand the implications of how much pain, suffering and sacrifices, mothers make and how fuckin little fathers and men do to help. Not saying there aren’t any good men or dads but very rare. Most are as selfish as they come. Doing the most minimal. They think just because they work and earn money it’s enough. Even my dad, growing up he did nothing for us. He just went to work everyday and earn money. Mom did that and on top of that cook, clean and raised us as best as she could. Dad didn’t bat an eye. He felt he already did enough by giving us a roof over our head. Barely interacting with us. I am on this app, call Peanut, and I see through other women’s eyes, mostly all men are the same. Not maternal, not loving and do the most minimal and complains they are tired and doing too much. Sometimes I think it’s better to just be single and don’t have to put up with this shit!

But I digress… I can swear to God, I have already put in my 200% effort into my daughter, into this family I created, into myself and into my job and my apartment. My body is breaking down. I don’t know how much more I can do. I am just one person. I am dying and breaking down. My body reaction is telling me, I am dying. Every day I don’t get enough sleep. I barely have time to sleep, eat, shower. Some weeks I would go days without showering or washing my hair. I am just too tired and exhausted after putting my daughter to sleep to go do it. I am passing out. And the many task I need to do on my phone or bills I need to pay or whatever task I need to do gets push to the back burner and when I find a moment in the night after my daughter is put to sleep I actually get to do whatever task it is. And then my dad see me on the phone doing those tasks and he assumes I am fooling around on my phone and not sleeping. His judgment without context is too harsh. Meanwhile he is always on his phone texting and trying to impress this one elderly man at the elderly center. That man around the same again as what his father would had been. I think he still trying to seek that approval and love from his own father that he never got. That’s why he likes that man so much and feels he needs to get his approval or favoritism. Being the youngest child in his family of 5 siblings and without his mom at the age of 10, it must had been really tough for him. I don’t know. My mom being the oldest child of 5 siblings must had been difficult for her life too. Because of all she had to erase from her life - the hiding of her pregnancy from the government due to the one child policy, the sneaking around without any help from her husband because he was gone working in another region of the country. The abuse and hardship she endured. The tears she shed, no one would ever understand. The pain of losing her child. The pain of persecution. The abuse from family and neighbors and outsiders because she had to raise three kids by herself. Only she would understand how I feel. And maybe because of this she feels this need to help me. She doesn’t want me to endure and suffer the same fate and hardships. And yet it seems fate is cruel and unforgiving that I also must suffer similar fates.

It all comes out, the “fight/argument “ is over many things but at the top is that mom is doing too much and I am doing not enough and my dad doesn’t want to do anything cause he feels is not his responsibility. Dad makes a good point that he should be allow to enjoy the remainder of his life and my mom should too. And whatever help they give me is out of the goodness of their heart. They are right. But at the same token I am already bending forward and backwards. I am working a full time job, I am managing too households - my apartment and my parents place, I am putting my daughter to sleep at night and I am stressed at work and in my personal life. Each day at work I am exhausted yet forcing myself to work hard and get work done because I am one of the slower workers and so much work to do. In my apartment I am the only one cleaning, tidying and putting things inside (packages), paying the mortgage, bills, maintenance. In my personal life my health is shit. I am always in pain, my weight has skyrocketed from the stress and hormonal imbalance and everywhere literally hurts. Then my husband is a loser and doesn’t help me with anything. He thinks the small measly child support money is doing a lot. Which it isn’t. Every few days after work I need to drop off things to my apartment or I need to go do errands and tasks such as buy Kayla groceries or diapers/wipes or whatever it might be. I never had a moment to breathe and yet everyone thinks I have so much free time and doing so much “fun stuff”. I still owe a big money debt to my ex-boyfriend which is an unfortunate life lesson for being tricked, robbed from an online lover whom was deceitful as fuck. He probably isn’t even just one person but maybe a group of people pretending to be one person and using someone else’s photos. It was horrible he used God to deceive and trick me. And he used my own burden and pain to trick me. It was just a mess. But that’s a whole other story. I know in my own heart and God knows I have done over my limits with my daughter and with keeping my family afloat. It’s difficult when you are a single mother.

Next you ask, then why don’t you let your mother in law (Kayla paternal mother or family) help you. Well, she could barely take care of herself and her own kids. Her son (my husband) has an addiction problem alcohol, vape and cigarettes. And what she do for him? She enables him. Then her younger daughter has PTSD, psychosis and mental health issues amongst emotional damage from her emotional/mental abuse growing up among other problems. Her younger son who seems okay is only okay because he avoids her and doesn’t do much interaction with MIL and does his own thing. Now she already has her hands full. On top of that she also likes to abuse alcohol and wine and is promiscuous with men and has abusive tendencies in the men she chooses in her life. Has expensive lifestyle and taste and the men she sleeps with are abusive in one form or another. Why would I want my daughter around this type of influence and danger. Also when I was pregnant she never trusted me. She thinks I am hiding everything and to be honest, if her son didn’t love me, she had her hand in the relationships and kick me out a long time ago as just her son’s casual fuck and companion of the week. But because her son fell in love with me and refuse to leave me regardless of how hard I tried to push him away, she has no choice but accept the status quo. I know she probably loves her kids like all mothers do, but her control and approach for each and all her kids is messed up and wrong. Because she is my elder, I won’t tell her off but I also don’t see her as a fit person to look after my daughter. The only Person in this world I truly trust is my mom.

Growing up being a girl was very rough. I was sexually abused by my extended family members and family member friend at different moments in my childhood. Not at the same time but different times. These people know who they are! And that shame will linger with them for the rest of their lives I am sure. I don’t need to call out who they are. I am sure they know as they were older than me when it all happened. Because of this I don’t trust anyone! I especially don’t trust anyone with my daughter. That’s also why I don’t want anyone looking after my daughter but my mom. And my MIL house has too many people there. Too many suspicious men. As for my apartment, I don’t want anyone here but me and my daughter. I don’t trust anyone to be frank. When I knew I was carrying a daughter I was so frightful. Afraid that she would grow up with sexual abuse, afraid that she might get my PCOS, endometriosis or other health issues. I fear it all. I would be less scared with a son. In this society women always get abused in one form or another. It’s crazy! Growing up I was always more mature than my age, having curves with big boobs and butt, also had inappropriate men attention. Attention that I did not want. I was cute and attractive that was also a problem. My daughter is cute and most likely will turn out attractive. That’s why I worry for her in this world. Her father is oblivious to all this because he is one of those men that thinks Sex at a young age is okay and that women should be allow to date, kiss and explore. Is he nuts?! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I guess that’s the European side of him. I am not as forward thinking. I think there should be boundaries and that’s why I love Christianity and God. Because it provides Guidelines and boundaries!

My head still hurts as I write all this. But I write it to get my message across, I might die the next day who knows. My body is breaking down. I thought last night I might had a stroke and died. That’s how bad my body reaction to my dad was. I know with my full heart that I am doing the best I can. I can’t do any more than what I have already done for my family and for the family I have created. I only ask my other family members, my sister, BIL, father, bro and grandma to help out my mom as much and as best as possible. I know my mom’s personality, helping out just means they need to do their own part and help themselves and don’t give extra work to mom. Clean up after themselves, look after their own things and in occasion help look after Kayla while mom is doing a task. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. But maybe to them they think it’s a lot to ask for. I only wish they understand how difficult life has been for mom and me. Having similar illnesses as my mother I know very well how she feels and I think she knows how I feel. And for that reason I feel she pities me and helps me as much as she can. I appreciate her help and never take it for granted.

In my life, I have predicted that I won’t live past 50 years old. I hope I am wrong. I hope my past recurrent dreams are wrong as well. I would really like to see my daughter be a grown-up and married before I leave this world. In the past before the existence of my daughter I always questioned why I was allow to live and why I was still alive. I had severe mental depressions as a child due to the sexual abuse, mental and physical abuse and the pressures and stress from parents to be smart and perfect. Something I will never be - smart nor perfect. I am flawed in every way and so broken inside beyond repair. At 15, I tried to commit suicide and contemplated that this was it, time to go… just to have missionaries from my current church come knock on my parents door and saved me and converted me to Christianity. The elder at the time Elderly P told me he had a dream that someone needed saving around my neighborhood. God is good! So started my relationship with God at 15. But each moment throughout my life I have been tested over and over again … nothing ever good … so when others say they know how difficult life is and they understand. until you walk a mile in my shoes, you don’t know SHIT. Don’t judge what you don’t understand.

My health issues is another story - having a small brain tumor, having pressure palsy, numbness in both hands, fingers and arms, PCOS , painful menstruation, inability to hold my bladder urine, possible endometriosis, pain on my right side quadrant. Bone pain with my neck, spine, lower back, compressed nerves. Pain with in my feet, toes, knee when I walk. My whole body is breaking down … obesity, hormonal imbalance, metabolic syndrome, slow metabolism - you name it, I got it …

When will life get better? Will it ever get better ? What is my life purpose. Why did my mom keep me while my second sis is dead. The guilt of losing second is probably the reason to keep me. What mom doesn’t love their child. Especially they carry it for 9 months. Being a mom is not easy… it’s one of the hardest Jobs in the world and not always the most rewarding. I love my daughter and would die protecting my daughter. I don’t want her to suffer the same fate as me. I want her to grow up carefree and blessed and happy - I need her to know her mom loves her very much. Just as I know my mom loves me even though my mom doesn’t know how to express that emotion in words. But her physical actions show. Growing up I was most happy when I was sick, because it meant that mom had to be home to take care of me, feed me, give me medication and look after me and physically just be there. Sometimes when I was younger I would wish I would get sick or ill with a cold or whatever just to get mom’s love and attention. Crazy huh? My daughter don’t need to wish for that. I will make sure to provide her with the love, attention, praise she seeks. It’s so important in a child’s development and mindset to have this feeling that she/he is loved. I, for one, know that better than any one else.

4/28/23

(Written 4/29/23)

[iceling4ever]

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[iceling4ever]

Love this…

Believe or not, but these comics are not Disney Fanarts, but official comics made for the Disney Princess brand.

These are some of the best I could find

[iceling4ever]

I think when you are in pain is when you start thinking about life and the direction it goes. Last night I once again started to have severe pains in my right side lower abdominal ovarian quadrant radiating from the front side to the back and also some pain in the lower intestine mid section below my C-Section region. This pain I have been having for a while. Sometimes more intense and sometimes less. Last night to this morning to today was more on the side of the more intense pain. It comes to a point, one start to question, if life is full of so much pain, what’s the point of living life. Where is the quality of life in all of this? You’re probably asking, have I gotten myself check out to find the causation?! Well, I have. Many times, many tests - sono, CT, X ray, MRI, you name it I have done it. Including endoscopy and colonoscopy… but the pain is still there. Comes and goes. Is it related to my PCOS? I don’t know. Probably not. Then can I have endometriosis?! Fibroids? Well, not definitive but by the series of deductions, I probably have endometriosis… which can explain the pain?! So now the next stop is to see if it is hormonal and period related … which mean I need to get rid of Dairy and Soy altogether. Very difficult to do as mostly everything has these products inside. But I am desperate… I need to try. I need answers.

So let’s go back to the thinking part, I was talking about earlier …

At a point one start thinking about life and now that I have a daughter I have more responsibilities beyond my own… my husband isn’t really doing his part as a parent. In his eyes we aren’t even a family to him, even thou he say so. He got the idea of family all mixed up. Probably cause he only view his blood family as family. And me and my daughter as outsider. Maybe because his mom brainwash him growing up. I have no idea. I still can’t understand how come he can’t see that his family he has created - his wife, child and him as the true nuclear family. Yet he continues to view his extended family member (his mom, his siblings, his uncle) as his true family. This makes me so depressed beyond measure. He still acts like a man-child, relies on his mother for guidance in everything like a robot/soldier. Doesn’t act like an adult. But when it comes to job, money and expenses he pays for it all for his mom and family. But for me and his daughter he doesn’t pay squat. And the small amount of child support he gives he thinks that’s a lot. Although his mouth also says it’s measly money. Yet each month I have to hear a whole story or excuse before I get it out of him. And even that it’s not the full amounts. Thank God I work and can earn my own money for my daughter and I. Thank God I have a roof over my head that I finance. But regardless, husband doesn’t really live with me… then is that even a family? He still lives with his mom in his mom place which he pays mortgage for. I don’t know their situation and frankly I don’t care to know. None of my business. But regarding my daughter and I, it is my business. My mom, God bless her, has been the only solid support I have, helping me with watching and raising my child. Only person I trust really. But her health like mine, is shit … and My grandma God bless her… she’s the only one that spends time with my daughter when my mom is busy and hence my daughter loves her a lot and smiles a lot in front of her. Which now has me thinking as I been sick and ill. My grandma and mom is getting old… soon in their 70s and 90s. I really need help. I need a husband that acts like a husband and not a man-child. I need physical help and support not just monetary support. I can earn my own money. But when the health is not good. Then what?! What happens if I die before my time. What happens to my daughter then? What happens if my parents and grandma is no longer around. What happens then? These what ifs start to plague my mind. And instantly I become scared. I really hope my husband wakes up from his delusions. What if his mom pass before her time. What then? How will he be? He would probably be devastated and lost. How do I teach my daughter to grow up differently from me. How do I teach her to be strong, independent, smart and self-reliant? What should I do. To all those that wonder why I am airing out my laundry… this is my blog, this is my space where I can express how I think and feel. This is my sanctuary… if I can’t even express this much and have to have everything bottle up inside like when I was a child, I would probably die from mental health … this is why! If you don’t like it, then please stop reading AND leave my page … unfriend NOW.

[iceling4ever]

Kiddo is now 9 months… where did the time go?

[iceling4ever]

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