ifihadneverpickedthepenup - Tumblr blog

ifihadneverpickedthepenup · 6 years ago

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Down this road again...

Did I really forget how to swim?

Is the ice we skate on really this thin?

I thought maybe I would not go through this with him.

I thought all the love given would be enough to be forgiven.

So why do I live in this fear, in this cage?

Where do I find an outlet for my sadness and rage?

I am afraid.

And I am sorry, but to me, you have it made.

I know you’ll never see it this way.

So I’ll try to silence these thoughts day by day.

Where is the graciousness, gratitude, or simple recognition?

That in this life you can create a beautiful vision,

Which can easily come to fruition,

If you simply make the decision,

Find yourself internally driven,

And come to terms with all that you have been given.

Whether it wisdom, financial stability, health care, or just a real support system.

And I know that things were broken for you too.

I understand that I will never understand what you have been through.

But if you can’t wake up and see,

Your life is something so many envy.

Maybe you can’t be the one for me-

And before you chime in with you “if that’s how you feel I will let you be”-

It’s not because I want to be free,

But rather that you won’t fight for me.

It is that you will never understand how broken this life has made me.

People: friends, family, and lovers constantly betray me

Always praying someone is going to save me.

I’m experiencing mental and physical despair.

I know you probably barely care.

I can see it now, our conversation, your distant stare.

But it really isn’t fair.

You left me to rot,

I don’t care if you see or not.

I spend hours now daily staring at the clock.

When you don’t call I wonder if you forgot, didn’t care, or were too distracted by some other girl in there.

But I mustn’t say that, I wouldn’t dare. Why would I risk being called a jealous, crazy bitch?

Because I drive myself crazy.

Because I love you.

Because I care.

Oh and to find true love can be so rare.

And I know we could have it, I swear.

But not until you see past the pain in my heart that I so nonchalantly wear.

Babe, I beg you would just understand all the pain that I’ve felt,

And my desperate need to escape.

Or recognition that this might be my fate.

Maybe it’ll never get better than the first date.

But all you see is my inability to wait.

I’m just acknowledging the truth, that it may be too late.

Maybe I’m not meant to have a mate.

Maybe heaven filled up early and they had to close the gate.

My own flesh and blood was the first man to ever give me a drug.

He made me believe ecstasy was the same thing as a fathers love or a warm hug.

But he hid the badness, he swept the darkness under the rug.

But all those dark and evil prices crept up when I found myself in love.

When I try to find understanding my mind draws blanks.

I’m not trying to turn this into a competition, some kind of sick race.

I just want you to see where in the world I was placed.

It’s like the joint your friends pass you without warning you it was laced.

As soon as I could taste it was far too late,

Pushed towards hell and told it will all be well.

It’s my fate, something I have to face.

Forget that bullshit,

That’s all fake.

Life just didn’t want me to be great.

Doomed to be an addict,

Doomed to be a whore,

And absolutely nothing more.

I have no God to open windows,

Only the devil closing doors.

Knowing good and damn well I can not compete with most girls.

We live in different worlds.

You go to your parents as an escape,

For me it’s always a mistake.

Your family tells you to drive straight,

Mine would probably let me drive into a lake.

My father would definitely let me get date raped.

I know you think I’m exaggerating,

But moments ago we were smoking heroin together, let that sink in.

You don’t really know him.

There are some really dark things about him.

Things I hope will die with my generation.

Narcissism is the only word he wants to live in.

But he always wants to drag me down with him,

Knowing he has constantly failed his children.

Although it may be impossible to fully protect them,

Seems pretty basic moral integrity to look out for ones own kin.

If you think it’s just “tough love” that I was given, I would really like to share a portion,

Seriously I would have preferred my mom have an abortion.

Even that description can not begin to scratch the surface of the shitstorm that I live in.

And just like that my happiness was stolen.

I understand you’ll never know what it’s like to be a weed in the trash, while simultaneously being told your a flower with limitless potiental to grow.

Yet every bit of growth seems to stagnant, so slow.

I wish my past was like a map you could unroll.

I could take you where I’ve been, you could show me where to go.

But for now your advice is insulting because you’ve neglected to take the time to really get to know me.

Who am I? Do you have any clue?

What it is like to be anyone but you.

And don’t think for a second I haven’t tried to put myself in your shoes too.

I constantly try to understand because I do love you.

But I don’t think my whole past is even a story you could sit through.

I know just hearing some of my pain utterly disgust you.

Shit it does me too.

I use dark and sick humor to mask my mistakes.

Sometimes I believe my own bullshit and become a heartless bitch.

I turn off that switch.

But that should not invalidate my feelings you dick!

Great, now I sound like a prick.

Why can’t you just understand this shit?

Oh how I wish.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it, things had to be fixed.

But I am sick and tired of you saying it had to happen like this.

You left so quick that I could not pull myself together to get a goodbye kiss.

Now I do not know if I will ever get it.

You lied over and over,

Making me feel like I constantly had to look over my shoulder.

You stole from me repeatedly, so why should I believe you didn’t just use me?

You say I’m jealous?

What do you expect when our relationship is sexless?

You have often called me by the name of another bitch.

Do you even comprehend that shit?

You told me another woman’s sex was better than mine, but it’s “okay” because you were “out of your mind...”

But sure, “you’re in love with me”.

I’m not blind.

What you’re doing is not kind.

You probably are not in love with me and that is fine,

But do not let me do this time after time.

Trying so desperately to have you really love me.

Or make you want to be mine.

I’ve never been someone to be proud to have.

But for me, I want you to be my baby’s dad.

I want you to be my husband,

And I want you to be glad.

But again I know it’s something I will never have.

So I am sorry that I am sad.

Why am I so disgusting and broken?

Why is my pussy so scary to cum in?

You say you want a future, but you’ll never want my children.

Can you even picture a house that we are both happy to live in?

No really, think about that again.

This isn’t meant to be a sweet little hym.

This is the life I’ve created or been given.

I don’t know how to live in the system.

I’ll probably end up in another toxic relationship or abused by men since you think I’ll deserve it because I “hit” them.

Shit I’ll probably end up dead in the streets.

Hell maybe it’ll happen before you get out in the next couple of weeks.

So while I know I sit here and endlessly weap.

I shall consent to defeat.

Your family gave you an ultimatum.

Which ultimately made you choose them.

To me it’s sick we were put in a situation to make that decision.

And I get it, it’s cool, if I had your family I would probably choose them too.

And when you say “just don’t worry” or “don’t mind them,”

I wish you’d take a step back and look again.

Realize you will always choose them again and again.

To you, I am not family.

I’m barely even “your baby”

You’ve already shown your sister all of my crazy.

They already hate me (if they even waste the energy on me).

I’m trying so hard to explain don’t you see?

I don’t know how I will handle you going to leave me.

But I see for you it was pretty easy.

There wasn’t even a question of you staying with me.

The threat from your family was enough for you to leave oh so quickly.

And yet you do not even see that your family deceived you and me.

I wanted to be your family but now I see, that was extremely silly.

You probably won’t even spend another night with me.

So when I rant and bitch and try to explain my life it is simply because I never had it that nice.

You will probably find me dead before you ever understand what is going through my head every night before I go to bed.

My circle of support is so small and fake, I am not going to get better at all at this rate.

But yet when you ask if you should stop calling, I don’t know how to say yes, it would probably rip out my chest.

But if I had to guess, it won’t be long until no love is left.

The things she said honestly destroyed me and every time I read it, it makes me want to die,

I may as well be out of my mind, out of sight.

Just so she can be right and I can be the “bad guy”.

But I am realizing as I write this that it will all be okay, maybe even better this way.

I bet you don’t even know what to say, just like every time, everyday.

But your giant heart always makes my world fall apart.

Even at your darkest I see your spark.

Even with this time apart.

And you are so fucking smart.

The intelligence of 100 men, the strength of a lion.

A beautiful mane, looks that drive me insane.

The gentle grace, which will have me follow you any place.

You can do anything you set your mind to and I really hope that you’ll find the courage to take the time to.

You gave me some of the best memories of my life.

You are so sweet, too damn nice.

Though I know I will dream of you every night,

I recognize I am toxic and will respectfully remove myself from your life.

And maybe in moments when I’m high, I can hang on to your beautiful light and momentarily forget about my life.

I am sorry I held you back,

I am sorry I took your friends,

I am sorry I took your happiness,

I am sorry I made you loose yourself.

I really hope you hang onto your health.

I love you forever and you will always make my heart melt.

~ifihadneverpickedthepenup

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