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[ignatiaimpsley]

Season 3 Elias is so goddamn fucking funny to me I forgot what a rollercoaster he was during my first listen.

Like the s2 finale has Jurgen Leitner giving Jon the whole "monsters are real speech" and Jon's like "I need a cigarette. NO ONE get brutal pipe murdered while I'm gone" and Jurgen fails step 1 because Elias walks in and grabs Jon's point-and-click-adventure pipe he'd been carrying around and Brutal Pipe Murders. Which, of course, Jon walks back in on and is prime suspect #1 due to literally every single feature trait and word he's said in the entirety of s2.

So naturally s3 starts with Jon on the lam and Officer Tonner like "I'm gonna arrest him for brutal pipe murder" and I'M like "Shit. I hate this. Elias is going to SO easily pin it on Jon and get away with it."

EXCEPT Elias walks in and is like "hello Ms. Officer no Jon Archivist did not kill that man, also I won't tell you anything else, also this is what you sound like" while reciting all her childhood trauma and all her illegal activity that will get HER sent to jail for brutal murder of the non-pipe variety and now I'm like "....huh." He's also like "Jon didn't do it but you can kill him if you want maybe :)" Elias your alibi????

And then we come BACK with Jon storming Elias's office with his two lesbian bodyguards as back up and he's like "I'm gonna use my powers to make you confess to pipe murder!" At which point Elias is like "It doesn't work on me. But I'm having fun so Martin go get everyone I need to tell you all how I committed pipe murder." and Martin does and Elias is like "Yes I pipe murdered. I also killed Gertrude. I love murder. You will not be compensated extra for this time. Get back to work." And they... DO... just go back to work. Because work is haunted. One of the lesbian police officers works here now, too. This just happened. "Also living dolls from Russia are about to Apocalypse the world, Jon go stop it," Elias says, while also saying "no I'm not gonna tell you how to stop it."

Okay???? Mr. Elias man??? And you're like "maybe he's a ruthless tactician? Maybe he's brutal but it's all in the interest of stopping the doll apocalypse??? He wants to save the earth???" Except THAT'S not even true it's actually more like he's trying to get the Russian dolls kicked out of line at Disney World so HE gets to meet Mickey Mouse first by which I mean, start his OWN Apocalypse, because if the dolls do it first well then what's the point of apocalypsing a planet that's become someone else's sloppy seconds.

Anyway Elias's master strategy here is to bring the human equivalent of a drowned cat to the gun fight and just sit back and watch Jon fall down every set of stairs he finds while Elias goes "This is good. This will work." His name isn't even fucking Elias.

[ignatiaimpsley]

The Magnus Archives is a show because if someone says “the episode with the guy who was having bug sex” you need to say “which one?”

[ignatiaimpsley]

do you want to see a random species of bird

[ignatiaimpsley]

Tbh none of the "I am the Doctor" speeches of any modern generation can come close to Nine's spinning Earth bit

[ignatiaimpsley]

Wait, some nuns of the order of St. Claire in Orduña have been asking the bishop for a licence to sell their pastries at the Derio monastery for 10 years, to no avail.

And they're so fed up they have officially rejected the Pope, archbishops, and bishops, and are now creating a schism inside their order because they're gonna sell those fucking pastries whether they like it or not.

WTF is this fantasy!!!!!

[ignatiaimpsley]

Viggo, walking around town, about to get arrested

Just woke up, what's the move

[ignatiaimpsley]

I've never felt more like Jonny Sims

no both option. pick one

[ignatiaimpsley]

im an ordained minister within the Phirst church of Phun, and I'm considering petitioning to grant him a living sainthood. (Im pretty sure this consists of calling Wavy Gravy and saying "hey, I think we should tell Viggo he's a saint now, I think he'd get a kick out of it")

Every now and then, I'll see Viggo Mortensen out and about doing a press tour, and I'll be reminded how delightfully weird he is. I think the trick is his deadpan full on commitment to the bit. We are talking the dad from Calvin and Hobbs commitment to the bit and I love that.

[ignatiaimpsley]

👑 Theoden 👑

I think the choice is obvious 😏😚

Before voting, spin the wheel and get a Lord of the Rings character.

Not sure who your character is? You can look them up on this Tolkien Gateway character list, or just vote based on vibes.

For the purposes of the game, assume your vote is not "LaCE compliant." (That is, fucking an elf does not instantly mean marriage or death for that elf.)

Poll concept from @pollsnatural.

[ignatiaimpsley]

[ignatiaimpsley]

@jonnywaistcoat people are making funky little songs about your writing, and I thought you should know about it because making funky little songs about works of fiction is your jam

[ignatiaimpsley]

sick of seeing hate thrown towards “baby gays.” let them wear rainbows. let them wear their pride flags like capes. let them make jokes about their identity and talk about it all the time. let them wear tails and puppy ears. let them do what is constantly deemed as “cringe.” let them be excited about finally being able to express their true selves. they deserve it. we all deserve it.

[ignatiaimpsley]

I'm a triple Taurus. I'm the Soup Friend. You need some soup? Cozy blanket? You wanna curl up on the couch with a cozy blanket and watch Rock-a-doodle and eat soup? You call ME. I'm your soup connection.

what is like… the most on brand, stereotypical zodiac sign trait is true for you?

[ignatiaimpsley]

some Absolute Buffoon just tried to challenge my knowledge of the geography and geology of southern Missouri. In the group chat, no less. Right in front of the other Autistics. "Unless there's some MAJOR fault line I don't know about" YOU FOOL. YOU DAMP PAPER TOWEL. YOU PATHETIC OFF-KEY KAZOO OF A MAN. OUR FAULT LINE MADE THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER RUN BACKWARDS, AND RANG CHURCH BELLS IN D.C. he want to brag about the Rocky Mountains? Those GAWKY TEENAGERS? you know, there's a reason the u.s. government chose to store their cheese in OUR caves.

[ignatiaimpsley]

There's also a girl on tiktok who's breeding and releasing Luna moths. Just stalking around Appalachia somewhere at night with a net, and a heart full of good intentions.

i learned about Tim Wong who successfully and singlehandedly repopulated the rare California Pipevine Swallowtail butterfly in San Francisco. In the past few years, he’s cultivated more than 200 pipevine plants (their only food source) and gives thousands of caterpillars to his local Botanical Garden (x)

[ignatiaimpsley]

you, reading this. you're a creature now. reblog to creature your followers