ilive2worshipyou - Tumblr blog

[ilive2worshipyou]

Thoughts

Every time I get on here I say its been a minute since I have wrote on here, & that’s just because life has been so busy & crazy lately!  I am currently a little over 21 weeks pregnant & my Husband & I are over the moon excited that in about 4 ish months, our sweet baby Ethan will be here in our arms!  Having a baby is something that we have prayed & prayed about!  My nerves are always so on edge right now just worrying that I am not doing something right or that the littlest thing I do could harm our baby.  These last 2 weeks or so I have had a couple scares!  Mainly with the amniotic fluid around the baby.  First it was low, then the next day it was fine.  I went for an ultrasound a week later & they said it was low so my OB sent me to a high risk OB, where they said it looked fine.  It’s been such a roller coaster.  Then the next day after going to the high risk OB, I leaked (only one time) a clear fluid down my leg & got all worried.  Went to get checked, which everything turned out to be okay.  It’s just been crazy!  I just want to give birth to our perfect baby boy without any complications.  

I feel like I need to be doing more to prepare for the baby.  We aren’t turning my Husband’s office into the nursery until late August.  The baby will be in our room anyways for the first few months in his bassinet, & since my Husband uses his office literally all the time, we don’t want to take it away just yet!  We aren’t really even taking it away!  We are splitting the room 60/40 & giving Ethan the bigger half!  Still, we may start on it a little sooner than August because I feel like I need to be doing more to prepare.

Fast forward 2 days

I am really bad about finishing a post!  Sometimes it takes a few days.  So I logged onto Instagram last night & seen a celebrity that I follow lost her baby at 20 weeks.  Her & her Husband went in at her 20 week appointment for her anatomy scan & to find out the gender of their precious baby, & there was no heartbeat!  This absolutely breaks my heart.  No matter if someone is 5 weeks pregnant or 20 weeks pregnant, it hurts just as much!  I feel like just by reading this, my anxiety goes up tremendously.  I am about to be 22 weeks pregnant in 2 days & I know that anything can happen at anytime to my sweet baby boy!  I pray to God every single day that he keep him safe inside my womb & that I can continue to have a safe pregnancy & delivery a healthy baby boy!  My Husband & I have wanted this for so very long & we over halfway there.  November is not too far away, yet it seems like forever!  I am just ready to have my sweet boy in my arms!  He is so loved already.  I am just taking it one day at a time & trying to make sure I do everything I possibly can do to remain healthy & do more to stay healthy.  

Now, I am off to spend time with our family for Independence Day.  Family is the most important thing to me!  

<3

[ilive2worshipyou]

18 Weeks

I can’t believe I am already 18 weeks pregnant!  That is so hard for me to believe!  In 2 weeks I will officially be halfway through my pregnancy!  I guess I still don’t completely believe it because my Husband & I have been trying to have a baby for so long now!  We have had a few miscarriages & pretty much had given up hope.  Now, I am carrying a precious baby boy in my body!  We found out the gender a couple weeks ago & we could not be anymore excited!  Baby Ethan will be here in November!  

I pray daily that my baby continues to grow & stay healthy!  So far in my pregnancy, I have had no issues!  I have had a few non pregnancy related issues a couple weeks back, but now I am back to good & just doing everything I can do protect my unborn child!  I do have anxiety about being pregnant because other than the fact that I pee every hour of the day, I don’t feel pregnant at all!  In my early weeks of this pregnancy, I felt hungry all the time, even after I ate I would still feel hungry!  I don’t feel like that anymore!  I have some nausea, but here lately if I don’t go pee when I feel like I have too, I start to feel sick (which happened today,) but I went to potty as soon as I could & was back to feeling better within about 15 minutes.  The only other thing that is different since I have gotten pregnant is that, besides going to pee all hours of the night, I have not gotten a full nights sleep since before I got pregnant.  I know I will obviously not be getting any sleep from here on out, but that is really the only other noticeable thing.

A little TMI....I don’t really enjoy sex anymore!  I mean yeah, I enjoy sex with my Husband, but since getting pregnant, I haven’t had the urge at all to have sex; I haven’t wanted to!  Not because I feel sick or nauseous , & I know its safe & perfectly healthy during pregnancy, but I have never just been the one to want to have sex...especially since becoming pregnant.  I know, no one really wants to hear about my Husband & I having sex, but sex is a part of life.  Especially when your married.  

Anyways, enough for tonight!  

<3

[ilive2worshipyou]

Rant

I am normally not one to complain!  I literally never complain on social media!  I feel that since I need to have a mini rant, this is the perfect place to do it since the is my personal blog & only the people I want to see it can!  

You know what really gets under my skin?!  When I text someone 3 different times & I get no reply at all, then hours later they call about something completely different & act like they didn’t even know I texted!  I know that they know because Android has this feature where I can see when the other person has read the text!  It’s just with one certain person!  A person who happens to be family & that I talk to at least 3x a week.   

Like I said before, I don’t complain much. Just something I had to gripe about!

[ilive2worshipyou]

2nd Trimester

I am 1 day away from almost completing the first week of my 2nd trimester!  I  can’t believe I have made it this far already!  Every day I pray that my baby will remain healthy & continue growing inside of my body!  I know that plus size women have babies all the time, but I still find myself worried because I am plus size!  I just have to keep remembering that no matter how “plus size” my body is... my body was still made to make babies!  I am just 5 weeks away from being halfway through this pregnancy!  How insane is that?!  It has went so fast, yet at times not fast enough!  I want to enjoy every single second of this pregnancy, yet I am more than ready to meet our precious baby!  November can’t come soon enough, but on the other hand, I know my baby is safe inside of my body & hasn’t yet been exposed to the ugliness of this world!  There is hate & wickedness in this world, & I know if my baby is inside my womb, that it is safe & warm!  I want to protect my baby as much as I can!  I wont he or she to know nothing but love & kindness & how God is the most important thing in the world!

These last few days I haven’t felt pregnant at all & that makes me worry some!  I read that its completely normal. but I can’t help but worry!  This Tuesday my Husband & I find out the gender of our baby (if baby cooperates) & I  am over the moon excited!  I will be relieved also to see my baby doing well, but also to know if the little bean inside of me is a he or a she!

Here is a 14 week bump picture of me last week!  We are so excited that God has given us the chance to be parents to a little human!  

[ilive2worshipyou]

11 Weeks Pregnant...The Highs & Lows

I still can’t believe myself when I say “I’M PREGNANT.”  I have to say it out loud some days just to hear myself saying it!  As of right now I am a little over 11 weeks pregnant.  I wake up every morning feeling like I need to vomit or eat something ASAP!  If I even have an empty stomach I am feeling like I need to throw up.  As bad as I hate that feeling, I actually smile & welcome it because I know as long as I am feeling nauseated that more than likely my growing baby is okay!  Not to mention that I wake up about 2-4 times every night to go pee!  That has been the one major change.  Since I have become pregnant...I don’t get a full night’s rest!  Again, I am perfectly okay with that because I know that in the end it will all be worth it.

I can’t help but to worry also!  Previous miscarriages has my worry in full gear! I was so worried when I first found out that I ended up in the ER 2x just from little concerns that I probably would have not thought nothing about if I hadn’t had previous miscarriages. I want to say I am most concerned because I am plus size & pregnant, but after following a PLUS SIZE & PREGNANT support group online, I am very much less worried because of my weight!  So many woman in this group are way bigger that I & have had healthy pregnancies. I will say that I am not as worried now as I thought I would be, but the worry is ALWAYS in the back & sometimes front of my mind!  I mainly worry on the days that I don’t “feel pregnant.”  I know when I wake up feeling nauseated that I am okay, but on days like today where I don’t really feel any nausea or discomfort, I can’t help but to wonder if my baby is doing okay inside of my womb.  I think I am “not as worried” as I thought I would be because the time I found out this time that I was pregnant, I was further along than my last 2 miscarriages with my Husband!  By the time I found out I was pregnant this time, I was almost 7 weeks along.  I am just trying to patiently wait until I hit around the 12 / 13 week mark because I hear when you hit those weeks, it’s less likely that I will miscarry.  

I do find comfort in the fact that I know that God hears our prayers & He knows that my Husband & I have been praying for this baby & to be parents for over 4 years now!  God hears the desires of our hearts!  I find myself throughout each day holding my stomach & praying for our unborn baby!  I pray that our baby will be born full term & healthy & that this pregnancy will go as smooth as it possibly can go.  As for now, I just enjoy every single minute with my unborn baby & look forward to November when I can hold my baby in my arms for the first time!  I also can’t wait for all the little milestones in pregnancy like when we find out the gender of our baby & will I feel the baby kick for the first time!  

We have officially announced our pregnancy to all of our friends & family!  Below is our PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT pictures & a few recent ultrasound pictures!  My favorite ultrasound picture is the 3D one I got done!  You can see the baby’s body in full form!  

[ilive2worshipyou]

I’M PREGNANT

I can’t believe I am even saying those words!  It’s bittersweet!  We have had several miscarriages so every time I do get pregnant, my anxiety shows up full blast! My main concern is that I am plus size & pregnant & that could hurt the baby, but I have been of plus size friends that have had healthy deliveries, so I’m not sure why I am worrying so much! It’s been years since I have had a pregnancy get this far though, so maybe that’s a great sign!  I even got to see my little one’s heartbeat on the ultrasound last night!  I will be 7 weeks this Sunday & my Husband & I are over the moon excited!  I’ve only told my immediate family & close friends!  A few people at work know because I’ve been so sick lately! I’ve been super sick these last few weeks, that’s why I even took a pregnancy test!  I figured it was just the stomach bug that was going around!  

I’m still super stressed about everything that could go wrong!  I welcome the nausea & vomiting because that lets me know that my baby is still growing inside of me!  Today I’ve not had any nausea whatsoever, which has me super worried, but I’m sure that’s just me over worrying for nothing!  I was so nauseated & dehydrated last night I ended up in the ER.  They wanted to check me while I was there so they did an ultrasound.  Our perfect little baby had a heart rate of 133 & the ultrasound tech said everything looked normal.  I feel like I will less anxiety the further along I get, but right now I am so early that I feel like I am going to end up worrying myself into a miscarriage!  I just keep praying & believing that God is going to look out for our little bean & that everything will work out & in 7(ish) months we will be holding our perfect little baby!  So anyone who is reading this, please pray!  Pray that my Husband & I will have a healthy pregnancy & that we will welcome a healthy baby into this world in November! That’s right, my estimated due date as of last night is November 9th!  We are thrilled & no matter what the future holds, we are going to enjoy every single day that God gives us with our precious baby & continue trusting that God has everything under control!  

In the meantime, here is our positive pregnancy test & our first ultrasound pictures!  

[ilive2worshipyou]

God Only Knows

So here lately I have been hearing his song play on KLOVE (local Christian radio station) called GOD ONLY KNOWS.  The lyrics are phenomenal & yet couldn’t be any more true!  

God only knows what you've been through God only knows what they say about you God only knows how it's killing you But there's a kind of love that God only knows God only knows what you've been through God only knows what they say about you God only knows the real you There's a kind of love that God only knows

When ya think about it, God is really the only one to ever know your ever most inner thought.  He knows the rawest version of yourself.  He knows absolutely everything that you have been through, even if no one else has.  How amazing is that?!  You can’t hide anything from God.  No matter how hard you try to, no matter how far you run or try to lie to yourself, you can never be unreal with God.  

With all that being said, the good news is that no matter how bad you screwed up or how much you lied or talked your way out of something when you shouldn’t have, you can never outrun the love of God!  No matter how bad you screwed up, you can never screw up so badly that God will stop loving you.  God loves you at your worst & also at your best.  

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  Romans 5:8

[ilive2worshipyou]

Stubborn

Today I was completely stubborn!  

First off, a little backstory.  My Husband & I don’t really celebrate Valentines Day.  We did the first few years we were married, but we really don’t anymore!  We celebrate our love everyday, so need to make more notice of it on a particular day of the year.  I work tomorrow (Valentines Day) anyways, so no need to go out of the way for it!  I was off today, & was looking forward to just my Husband & I driving up to the Parkway together & having some alone time.  

Backstory #2.  Right before Christmas, my Husband’s cousin who lives across the street from us (who I suppose is now my cousin by marriage) got a divorce & has his children about 75% of the time.  He still lives across the street. This past week he has been hanging out with us at the house, which is absolutely no problem, until it starts getting late & I’m ready for bed, but still that hasn’t been a problem. 

 Anyways today, he texted my Husband as we were on our way to the parkway to ask what we were doing, & my Husband said we were on our way to the Parkway.  He asks if he can tag along cause his kids are gone with their Mother this week & he wanted to see the Parkway.  We say yes because we don’t want to be rude.  Honestly I was verbally mad.  I was mad because we now had a plus 1 to our day & I was just wanting to spend time with my Husband alone!  I complained and whined for about 30 minutes until we met up with him & he got into our car!  I was less irritated by then & just decided to not be mad anymore & make the most out of our day.  I was driving, my Husband was in the passenger seat, & our neighbor was in the backseat.  By the time we started pulling into the Parkway, my neighbor was really opening up his heart about what went on with him & his now ex wife & just telling us that everything that happened was forgiven & how he was just hoping & praying that she would come home.  He was saying how he would literally do anything in his power to get her back.  He told us about how even though they aren’t together, that he still is surprising her & the kids by sending them all Valentines in the mail since they are out of town visiting her Mother.  It was all really sweet & really broke my heart because I could see how much this man was hurting.  He has been with this woman for a long time & this was his first Valentines Day spent alone without her (& their children due to them being with her this week).  

After hearing his story & pain, I immediately felt anger towards myself for being upset to begin with!  I never once thought that maybe he wanted to hang out with us because he was hurting & didn’t want to be alone.  It really opened my eyes about how I need to not always jump to conclusion & get all upset over nothing!  

Despite my little tantrum, today was very relaxing!  God’s beauty is breathtaking!

[ilive2worshipyou]

Tenth Avenue North

Worn

I’m Tired I’m worn My heart is heavy From the work it takes To keep on breathing I’ve made mistakes I’ve let my hope fail My soul feels crushed By the weight of this world And I know that you can give me rest So I cry out with all that I have left Let me see redemption win Let me know the struggle ends That you can mend a heart That’s frail and torn I wanna know a song can rise From the ashes of a broken life And all that’s dead inside can be reborn Cause I’m worn I know I need to lift my eyes up But I'm too weak Life just won’t let up And I know that you can give me rest So I cry out with all that I have left Let me see redemption win Let me know the struggle ends That you can mend a heart That’s frail and torn I wanna know a song can rise From the ashes of a broken life And all that’s dead inside can be reborn Cause I’m worn My prayers are wearing thin Yeah, I’m worn Even before the day begins Yeah, I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight I’m worn So, heaven come and flood my eyes Let me see redemption win Let me know the struggle ends That you can mend a heart That’s frail and torn I wanna know a song can rise From the ashes of a broken life And all that’s dead inside can be reborn Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn Though I’m worn Yeah I’m worn

[ilive2worshipyou]

Highs, Lows, & a Positive Attitude

Here lately I have been on such a high!  A high that I don’t really want to come off of!  It started out with this little surgery I had & being in the hospital, then I came home.  Being stuck in the house was really depressing to me!  I was sore from surgery, an infection, had nausea from the antibiotics I was taking & it just put me in a really sour mood.  Kudos to my Husband for putting up with me & taking care of me despite my foul mood for awhile.  Then something changed!  I don’t know what it was!  These last few days, I have been blasting Christian music, praying more, & just asking God for more guidance in mine & my Husband’s life, & that has put me on such a high!  A high that I don’t want to come down off of the mountaintop of.  I just always have to remember that God is greater than any highs or lows we may experience in life.

I think attitude has alot to do with it all & who you surround yourself with!  For me, I don’t personally put myself in situations where there is alot of negativity or negative people.  It’s just the choice that I have made for myself.  An example of all this is that I have a family member who is just all the time negative.  He can’t be happy about anything.  He may be happy for a minute, but then the next minute he is all upset, mad, & really negative about something.  Every single time I end up having to be around him for some reason, I just become this ugly, negative person that I don’t like.  Don’t get me wrong, everyone has their negative moments or days, but when negativity completely consumes you, then it starts to effect & consume the people around you also.  I just have to remember that ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING & definitely effects the way one chooses to live their life.  I just always think of it this way.  Do I want to be sad, depressed, & have a negative attitude towards everyone & everything, or do I want to be positive & try to see the good in every situation no matter what it may be!  

Just a though!  <3

[ilive2worshipyou]

I just want to be the best me possible!

And that’s exactly what I’m going to be.  No matter how messy that may be!

[ilive2worshipyou]

Endless Thoughts

So many thoughts running through my head!  Sick Husband, living paycheck to paycheck, more debt than we know what to do with...its never ending!  Not to mention, its Winter, which means Daylight Savings Time, which means it starts getting dark around 5:30 every evening.  To me, that is really depressing.  I’m not sure why, but I always get even more depressed when it gets dark early.  There is just so many things that I feel are weighing on my life right now!  Don’t get me wrong, I am married to the man of my dreams, we have an amazing furrbaby & God has blessed us tremendously.  I am so happy.  I mean, it absolutely breaks my heart to pieces that my Husband has a chronic illness that he will have the rest of his life unless God intervenes.  I pray daily that God heals him, but I also know that God has a reason for absolutely everything.  I know that, my Husband knows that!  We talk about God’s will for our life together all the time!  

I just have so many thoughts going through my head.  I just want to real & completely honest with myself about things; things that I will probably never share with anyone but myself & God.  Stuff that I don’t believe I could ever say from my mouth.  Good thing I don’t have to.  Not now anyways.  

Here lately, if I am not working, I don’t even wanna leave the house it seems!  I mean I do, but I have no desire too!  Every time I have a day off I say that I am going to go to the mountains to clear my mind, or go on a completely random adventure with my Husband, or do extra chores around the house, & every time I off, I end up not doing any of it.  I end up laying around the house with my sweet Sadie Mae!  She may look like a dog, but I swear she is human & my best friend!  If anyone knows my dark secrets, it’s her!  

Anywho, I am determined to climb out of whatever dark hole I am in.  I honestly believe I am just going through something that I haven’t quiet figured out yet!  I think one of my biggest problems is that I don’t believe in myself enough!  I feel like I fail as a wife daily.  I see my Husband in so much pain & I feel like there isn’t anything I can do for him.  I mean sure I do extra chores around the house or go pick up his meds, but I can’t physically take away his pain that his illness is causing & it tears me down so much!  My Husband tells me all the time that I am doing great as a wife & that I need to stop worrying so much, but something in me just tells me that everything isn’t always okay & I can tell he is in more pain that he lets on.  I just drive myself so crazy sometimes worrying about things that I have absolute no control over!

For now I will just try to stay focused on things that I do have control over!

<3

[ilive2worshipyou]

It's this man here who makes all my pain go away. I'm an incredibly lucky wife.

[ilive2worshipyou]

WOW

So this dream I had last night!  I can’t even explain it!  It was so surreal!  I don’t even know if surreal is the world!  And on that, that’s all I’m going to say about it!

[ilive2worshipyou]

Thoughts

I really need to start writing on here more!  I don’t know why I don’t!  I guess because I don’t like saying a lot of things out loud!  I always put a smile on my face despite whatever situation I am in!  Don’t get me wrong, I am a generally happy person!  I am married to the man of my dreams, I have the perfect dog, the perfect little home in the most perfect location, & for the most part, have everything else I need!  But some days I just fall into this deep dark hole that I can’t even crawl out of!  Last Saturday night was one of my most darkest nights ever!  I went to bed with my Husband like I normally do, but instead of falling asleep, I was awake the entire night, like I am most nights off & on, but this time it felt different!  My Husband was asleep beside me the entire night, yet I felt so very alone!  I am not sure why, but it was the worst feeling ever!  I hate getting lost in my own head! 

It’s in those moments that I need to remember that i am certainly not alone!  I am never alone!  I have God & my Husband...other friends & family too! 

For now, that's all! 

<3

[ilive2worshipyou]

Here Lately

Seems like so many people are dying here lately!  Just in the last 3-4 days, at least 5 people locally have passed!  I almost hate scrolling through social media anymore in fear of seeing someone else that has passed tragically! I’m already terrified that my really sick Husband is going to suddenly pass away! I know his disease is really bad, but my Husband says it’s manageable, which so far it is, but still!  I lay in bed at night & will all of a sudden burst out in tears because I am so afraid of losing him.  I’m afraid of losing anyone close to me for that matter!  From time to time I will go into a full blown panic attack just thinking about what might happen to my sick Husband or if something tragic happens to a family member.  I just need to be positive & not think that way!

Until later....

[ilive2worshipyou]

Having Faith

So this morning I definitely had a downright God moment! So mine & my Husband’s income tax was suppose to post to our account today!  

Well let me back up, a few days ago all we had left in our bank account was a little over $20...that’s it, & that was only suppose to go towards gas for our car!  Well, something major came up, & we had to end up using that $20 for another emergency.  I didn’t sweat it too much because I the IRS website said that our income tax would be posting to our bank account today, the 22nd.  Well I woke up this morning & check our account only to find that we did not get our refund back! I check Anthony’s bank account also just to make sure that they didn’t accidentally put it into his!  His bank account was sitting at only 53 cents.   I immediately go into full blown anxiety & panic because our gas tank is already sitting on E. I start worrying about how I am going to make it to work the next 4 days!  I can’t go to work if I don’t have gas in my car to get there!  My Husband right then reminded me not to worry, that God provides!  I then feel dumb for ever worrying because I know that my God has never let me down!

We go about our morning playing with Sadie Mae outside & doing things around the house!  A couple hours later, I check my bank account once more, only to see that there is still no refund!  I then switch over to Anthony’s account to see a whopping $23.53 in his bank account!  How in the world did that happen!  Literally two hours before I had checked it and there wasn’t even a dollar in it!  One of his friend’s graciously felt the need to donate $25 to his GO FUND ME that we set up two years ago when he got sick!  How crazy is that?  While we had forgotten about the GO FUND ME, God stepped in & reminded us how amazing it can be in our time of need!  

This was definitely not a coincidence, but most DEFINITELY a GOD MOMENT! What a mighty God we serve!  He NEVER fails us, & most always has our backs!

<3