imafraidtowrite

[imafraidtowrite]

Sometimes i am too hard on myself and i cause myself unnecessary troubles. I open my arms wide open to all the problems and questions as if they are dear friends of mine. You know how on some days everything you do feels wrong and  feels like nothings going to be okay. In those days everything seems too heavy to me and i get crushed under the burden of my troubles. Camus describes this feeling best, he writes down "the horrible feeling of giving up on everything, even if i could hold every single creation on earth in my arms i still couldn't protect myself." in his notes. This feeling is such a burden that from the second i get this feeling i can no longer breath or take pleasure from anything. I know that we have one life and it's precious. But after all i'm only human and i can't escape the pain of this burden even if i know everything will eventually turn out to be fine. The uncertainity of tomorrows always seem to bother me. At these times i want to wrap and protect myself from everything. But at this point i know nothing can protect me from tomorrows, even running far far away. Looking for the solution outside is pointless anyway because no one knows me like i know myself. Sure sharing feelings and talking to people is healthy but i often get bored when I talk about my feelings and never listen to anyones advice. i'm arrogant and impatient, not to mention i feel like a burden to people when i tell them about my problems instead of making them laugh. After all I am the one who breaks me into pieces and i also am the one who brings them all back together. I can give up on everyone in my life but not on myself, because i know the day i give up on myself will be the day i'll drown.

[imafraidtowrite]

I have been dealing with anxiety for more than a year now, I can’t sleep at night and don’t even bother to go out during the day if it’s not a necessity. The only thing that keeps my mind off of my anxious thoughts was having a safe space with my friends. A space I can talk without thinking, a space I forget to bite my nails off and have a laugh. After the lockdown I’ve been separated from my safe space and my worries came back to haunt me day by day. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I don't feel satisfaction from anything. All I do is drinking coffee and mopping around in an empty house. At first, I thought it was only normal because we are all quarantined and socially distanced but I realized I never had a safe space and never had friends who cared for me. I think I only lived in the illusion of a safe place with fake friends. I believe one can’t desert a person they care even a little just like that out of nowhere with no explanations but somehow I’ve been deserted and left alone very vulnerable. It was not the first time so as always I blamed myself first. ‘’ maybe it was something I said’’, ‘’ maybe I should’ve been more supportive’’ and more... But I knew I was a caring and supportive friend and that was the main problem. I’ve supported them endlessly, praised them and talked them down. Spoiled them if you will... I laughed and made jokes all the time, tried to solve things with communication until even I lost the will to speak and that was a milestone. If a friend of mine was quiet I’d try to talk with them, I’d swallow my pride and try again and again even if they’d turn me down. But when I couldn't even find words to speak out of frustration, no one tried to reach out to me, Let alone trying again and again, no one even asked why I don't speak to them. That should’ve been my first cue I know but I guess accepting you’re not as important as you think you were is never easy. I know I cant help somethings in life but the feeling of betrayal cuts really deep. I don’t think I will be more careful from now on, I don’t like to fool myself. I know I’ll always care and be a target because of my fragile soul. And I know people will see this as a weakness and try to use it against me like they always do. I will always let them, because by the pain I feel I can only say I never want to become the person who makes someone else feel this way. I’d rather be deserted and hurt than to become that person. I hope I never forget this feeling so I won't find the guts to take someone for granted.

[imafraidtowrite]

A question which includes an overdosed bewailment; ‘’Wasn’t it so much easier back then?’’

I have a certain memory of my six-year-old self sitting on our apartment’s stairs and mopping around for something tiny like my friends wouldn’t come over to watch a movie with me. As I was sitting with tears in my eyes, I think I was waiting for someone ¬–I don’t remember if I was waiting for someone or this was a routine of mine at that time-. Then I saw the door opened by a bright, cheerful young man in a black winter coat, which was no one other than my uncle. He was one of the most cheerful people one could ever see in their life –at least I always thought that way at that age-. One would think that he never had even a one bad day in his life, never been deserted, hurt…

I’ve never seen him angry, sad or yelling. He was admirable in so many ways, he’d go to two other jobs but somehow he’d always manage to make time for his family, us. He’d play with me and my little cousin, would teach me a bunch of new English words –even though they were not always correct, I always appreciated it- he also would help my brother and other two older cousins with their homework and stuff. A really busy and tiring routine when I think about it now at this age. Long story short even seeing him would make my day, As he opened the door I remember I quickly wiped my tears with my sleeve – I’ve always had this bad habit of not showing my emotions since I thought it was a weakness-. He didn’t even ask why I was sitting there and sat just beside me and took a bubble gum roll out of his pocket and handed me over. I also don’t remember if this was our routine but I remember at that moment all my sadness melted away. I don’t think it was because of the gum but even today seeing bubble gum rolls brings up a bitter smile on my face.

I’m still having problems with sharing my emotions with people but I’m used to crying in public places nowadays. Even for a second, I don’t think of what others would think about me if I cry in a bus, library, public restroom or on a bench. As years passed by it’s true that I swallowed most of my pride but I also realised tiniest things devastate me and I can no more find happiness in even the greatest things that people do for me let alone tiny little things like sitting with a loved one and sharing a gum. Yet I always wanted to be my uncle; having a face that brights up peoples day, having a humour that makes everyone laugh, Having a happy, optimistic state of mind…

But instead, I have dark circles under my eyes, bit off nails due to anxiety and no hope for the future most of the time. I’m always angry at my uncle once I admired so badly for making it seem so easy and also angry at my family for making me think I’m capable to do everything on my own because I can’t. I figured I needed someone to talk to, someone to help me with this burden I’ve been carrying all my life. But I grew up to be too proud to ask for help or let anyone in, yet too shameless to expect help and affection from people. I’m waiting on someone that might never come, relying on words I exactly know that are lies. I often wish to go back to the times that things were a lot easier, I wish I never got comfortable with crying in public, I wish I could care about things like I used to…

[imafraidtowrite]

Bazı zamanlar kendi üzerime çok gidiyorum ve kendime olmayan dertler açıyorum. Dünyadaki tüm dertleri ve soruları bir dostmuşçasına kucaklıyorum, hani olur ya bazı günler, sanki o gün her şey yanlışmış gibi, hiçbir şey yoluna girmeyecekmiş gibi gözükür. Çok ağır gelir her şey ve ben ezilirim o günlerde. Kanımca bu duyguyu en iyi Camus bilir ve özetler.'' Korkunç bir bırakılmışlık duygusu. Dünyanın bütün varlıklarını göğsüme sarsam bile, kendimi hiçbir şeyden koruyamazdım.'' der notlarında. Bu his o kadar ağır ki, üzerime çöktüğü dakikadan sonra ne rahat nefes alırım ne de yaptığım işlerden zevk.Önceki yazılarımda da söylediğim gibi, tek bir hayatımız olduğuna ve bunun da çok kıymetli olduğuna inanıyorum. Ancak en nihayetinde ben de insanım, İleride mutlaka gün yüzü göreceğimi bilsem de, yarınların belirsizliği o kadar canımı sıkıyor ki. Kendimi sarmalayıp her şeyden korumak istiyorum işte öyle günlerde, ancak biliyorum ki bu saatten sonra anne karnına dönsem dahi hiçbir şey beni yarınlardan koruyamaz ve alıkoyamaz.Gerçi böyle zamanlarda çareyi dışarıda aramak da anlamsız, çünkü kendimi en iyi ben biliyorum. İnsanlarla dertleşmek sağlıklı, güzel tabii ancak sıkılgan ve kendimi beğenmişim biraz. Derdimi anlatırken sıkılır, verilen nasihate kulak asmam, derdimi anlatırken karşımdakini sıkıyorumdur hissi de cabası. Demem o ki kendimi en çok dağıtan, yıkan ben iken parçalarımı yeniden toplayıp, birleştiren de benim. Hayatımdaki herkesi kaybedebilirim pek tabii ancak kendimi kaybettiğim gün boğulacağıma inanıyorum.

[imafraidtowrite]

“-Çocuğun cinsiyetine karar verdiniz mi?  -Bir erkek istediğimize eminiz.  -Pekala  -1.80+ boyu, güzel dişleri hatta teni olsun.  Ve eğer onun hak ettiği her şeyi veremezsek çalışıp kazanacak kadar güçlü olsun.”

 Çoğumuzun gelecek nesillerimizde isteyeceği özellikler ve gerçekçi bir diyalog değil mi?  Aslında değil. En azından toplum olarak dışarı yansıtmaya yatkın değiliz. Bizde vardır ya “cinsiyeti önemli değil, sağlıklı olsun yeter.” ancak hiçbir zaman yetmez, tabii dürüst olursak.  Sağlıklı olsun yeter! ancak bir erkek çocuğum olsa, şöyle selvi boylu güçlü ve kuvvetli bir erkek çocuğu.“ Ya da ’‘Kız çocuğum olsa da güzel güzel giyindirsem, yuvamıza neşe saçsa, gülücükler dağıtsa!”. Madem cinsiyeti önemli değil çocuklarımızın, niçin iki taraftan da farklı beklentiler içindeyiz. Oğlumuz gülücükler saçamaz mıydı?, güzel mi güzel, şirin mi şirin giyinemez miydi? veyahut kızımız; kızımız selvi boylu, güçlü, ayakları üzerinde duran kuvvetli bir birey olamaz mıydı?. Sizleri bilemem ancak benim oğlum gülücükler de saçar, kızımsa ayakları üzerinde de durur! tabii isterlerse…  Çünkü cinsiyetlerden olan beklentilerimizden öte şeyler de var. Henüz dünyaya gözlerini açmamış küçücük bir çocuktan önündeki yirmi yıl içinde ne olması gerektğini planlayıp omuzlarına yıkıyoruz. Anneler babalar, bırakın çocuklarınız mükemmel olmasın, bırakın başkaları gibi olmasınlar, bırakın çocuğunuz matematik yapamasın, belki de bir sanat dalına yeteneği var bu çocuğun. Ya da bırakın “Ayşe'nin kızı bale yapmış.”, “Fatma'nın oğlu keman çalmış.’'ları. Belki de başkaları gibi ‘elit’ veya ‘zeki’ olmaya zorlamazsanız çocuklarınızı daha hayırlı,daha vicdanlı ve her şeyden önemlisi daha mutlu evlatlar edineceksiniz. Kimse komik, güzel, yetenekli,uzun boylu birer aziz timsali olmak zorunda değil. Elbette benim de iyi ve kötü günlerim var ancak başkaları gibi veyahut başkalarının benim olmamı istediği gibi olmak zorunda olmadığımı fark ettiğimden beri her şey daha berrak. Üzülmüyor muyum? Evet üzülüyorum, hatta kendimce acıların en büyüğünü ben tecrübe ediyorum çoğu zaman ancak bu sadece insan olmanın doğasında var. Başkalarına hiç imrenmiyor muyum? Evet imreniyorum, hem de çok imreniyorum. Ancak kötü niyetle bakmıyorum kimseye, evet imrendim ancak böyle olmak zorunda değilim. Dünyada 7 milyar insan var ve güzellik öyle göreceli bir kavram ki, hiçbir kuralın pek de etkili olmadığını düşünüyorum. Ve eğer kendimizi olduğumuz gibi kabul etmeye başlamazsak boğulacağımıza inanıyorum.

şarkı: Only Son- It’s A Boy