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imaginarycalum-blog · 7 years ago

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You Are The Reason

pairing: taehyung x reader

request: yes | no

genre: angst

warnings: slight mentions of depression and anxiety

a/n: “You are the reason” by Calum Scott is one of my all time favorite songs and this is the first thing that came to my mind while listening to it

There goes my heart beating

'Cause you are the reason

I'm losing my sleep

Please come back now

There is something we take from every person we meet in our life. A memory, a lesson, a moment – but he was different. It was not only one part that he gave to you, he gave you everything. Every tear, every laugh, every bad and every good memory and you never wanted it to end. You couldn’t bear the thought of not waking up beside him, seeing his face being lit up by the sun. Admiring his beauty, not knowing how the world would be able to spin without his presence. You didn’t mind losing your sleep just to think about him or just to stare at him when he slept peacefully beside you. But even though you didn’t want to lose him, you also knew that you eventually would. He was an idol, constantly on tour or at dance practice or at the studio recording songs with the other members. There was not one moment in his life where he was free to do what he wanted without being watched by the public. Being a part of BTS was exactly what he wanted to do and he blossomed in the spotlight. You on the other hand, not so much. And he knew that you wouldn’t feel comfortable being chased by paparazzi and he also knew that your anxiety would never allow him to take you with him to an award show. What he didn’t know was that you would endure all that for him or that you would at least try.

There goes my mind racing

And you are the reason

That I'm still breathing

I'm hopeless now

“I’m home.” Your voice echoed through the empty apartment. You had just returned home from university after hours of studying for your exam and all you wanted was to bury your head in boyfriend’s chest and forget that there was a world outside. Your anxiety had returned two weeks ago and it was bad, to say the least. Even waking up this morning had been a battle, especially since Tae wasn’t there to help you calm your breathing. Sometimes you wondered how you had survived your anxiety without him around to remind you that every dark time has an end, you just have to keep fighting.You made your way to the kitchen after taking a shower and took the leftovers from yesterday out of the fridge. While you waited for them to warm up in the microwave you heard the front door open, which could only mean one thing. Soon enough you saw his figure standing in the doorway, an unreadable expression marking his face. Normally you would make your way over to him and embrace him in a hug, but his expression scared you. “I didn’t know you would come over tonight.” You smiled at him. “Practice ended early and I wanted to talk to you about something. Can we sit down?” You were worried. Everyone who knew Taehyung would’ve been worried at this point. His smile and bubbly personality were the things he was known for and you had only once seen him like this and that was when his grandma had died. Still you followed him into your living room and sat down on the couch without saying another word. There you just stared at eachother until you couldn’t take it anymore. “You’re scaring me.” “I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to say what I need to say without hurting you.” You gulped. “Why would you hurt me?” You knew what was about to happen, but you still let him take your hands into his own. “Because I think we should break up.”

There goes my hands shaking

And you are the reason

My heart keeps bleeding

I need you now

That night in your apartment still played like a movie in your head even if it had been weeks since then. His words haunt you every night when you struggle to fall asleep. You see his face in everyone you pass on the streets and for a second you are scared that it’s really him, but then you remember that he’s all the way across the world on tour. He said that the break up wasn’t your fault, still you had felt the urgent need to change something about you. So you had let your best friend cut your hair all the way to your shoulders and when you weren’t in university or at work, you were working out. It helped to have an outlet for all those different emotions you were feeling. Pain, because your so called soulmate had left you. Anger and Confusion, because he had never given you a real reason as to why. Desperation, because you didn’t know how to continue on without him. One of the worst things about having an idol as your ex-boyfriend was that you couldn’t escape his presence. Every radio station played their songs, every shop sold their merch, every building was decorated with pictures of them to promote their new album and every teenage girl that came to your workplace and ordered a drink talked about them. Okay, maybe you were exaggerating a little bit, but it still hurt. No matter how hard you tried to fix your heart, just a glimpse of his face tore your heart apart again. The bandages you carefully put on your wound just didn’t stick and you didn’t know who you hated more for it: him or yourself.

If I could turn back the clock

I'd make sure the light defeated the dark

I'd spend every hour, of every day

Keeping you safe

You never expected to be in the same room as him ever again, but who could’ve forsee that the day you decide to leave the country to visit your family would be the day he returned from tour. It had been four months since the break up and after a lot of work, your wounds finally seemed to close. But as soon as you saw him walk into the entrance hall of the airport surrounded by a few security guards and the rest of his members, you felt your breathing stop. You quickly looked for a place to hide, but you knew you had to pass him to get to your gate. So you straightened your shoulders and continued walking your way. For once you wished the airport to be filled with fans, so that he couldn’t see you. But their management learned from their past mistakes and the whole hall was empty, except for a few people that were checking in. As soon as you came close to their group, you could feel their eyes on you. Please, don’t recognize me. Please don’t recognize me. “(Y/N)?” Jungkook’s voice made you freeze in place. Slowly you turned around to see all of them looking at you. “Hey boys.” You faked a smile for them. “What are you doing here?” Jimin asked you while embracing you in a hug. “I’m leaving Seoul for a while to visit my family.” You had managed to avoid Taehyung’s glance, but hearing his voice after all this time, caught you off guard. “But you’re coming back right?” You take your eyes off Jimin to look at the boy who broke your heart. “I don’t think that’s any of your business, is it?” Taehyung puts down his backpack and walks over to you. “I know you probably hate me, but please tell me that you are coming back. I need to know if I will ever see you again.” You had planned to slap him across the face, but the desperation in his words got to you. “I will be back in two weeks, but that doesn’t mean you will ever see me again. Have you forgotten that you broke up with me?” “Believe me, I remember. And if I could turn back time, I would.” “Well, you can’t turn back time. No one can.” You turned away to leave, but a hand on your wrist stopped you. “I know that I can’t turn back time, but all I want is to see you when you are back and explain everything to you. Please.” “”You can call me when I’m back and maybe, just maybe, I will pick up.” And with that you left him behind and made your way to your gate. You really weren’t sure if you would answer his call. All you knew was that he will always be the love of your life and if he wants to fight for you, you wouldn’t stop him from it.

masterlist | tell me what you think :)

#taehyung #v #bts #bts imagine #bts imagines #bangtan boys #v imagine #writing

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imaginarycalum-blog · 7 years ago

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Trust

pairing: jungkook x reader

request: yes | no

genre: angst

warnings: none

a/n: My heart breaks writing this

You can’t trust him. He’s been cheating on you the whole time over.

You can’t trust him.

You repeated those words like a mantra. Over and over again. But they still wouldn't make any sense. You really thought that this time was different. That you found someone who wouldn’t break your heart. But it seemed like you were wrong again. Jungkook and you met nearly a year ago on a party and you were inseparable ever since. At least that’s what you thought. But now all you’re hearing are those words that this other girl said to you. You didn’t know her, so there was always the possibility that she was lying, but somewhere deep inside of your heart you knew that she was telling the truth.

And now here you were: Lying on your bed, bawling your eyes out, thinking about every word he ever said to you. Everything was silent until you heard a knock on the door. You knew who it was, so you went over slowly, always thinking about how you couldn’t even face him; how you couldn’t pick up when he called; how you couldn’t call him to tell him how much you were hurting; how you couldn’t be close to him anymore despite everything you two had been. But there was also a part of you who remembered and remembering the days of your love, was killing you inside.

“Come on Y/N,” He said in a desperate voice. You heard his fist pound on the door. “I know you’re there. Open the door.”

But you couldn’t. Tears rolled down your face. You couldn’t open the door. You couldn’t put yourself back into a position where he was able to control you. You stayed silent, waiting for him to leave, because you knew that he wouldn’t wait forever.

“Jagi, you know that you can tell me everything. I’ll always be there for you, so please open the door.” You could hear how much he was hurting and even though you didn’t want to, you felt sorry for him. And this one part of you, the one who felt sorry for him, that’s the one who opened the door.

“(Y/N)..”

He made a step to come closer to you and not even a second later you took a step backwards. That’s when you noticed it: You were scared of him. Scared that he would break you again. Scared that you would give in again.

“Just leave Jungkook. Please.”

“How am I supposed to leave, when you’re not even telling me why?”

“You want to know why? There is this girl, she came to me this morning. Telling me about how you’re cheating on me for weeks. Telling me how you’re playing your games with girls over and over again. And you know what the strangest part was?”

You let out a sarcastic laugh.

“I believed her the second she told me about it. Because somewhere deep inside of me I knew who you really are. I was just stupid enough to think that I would be able to change you.”

The last thing you saw before closing your door was Jungkook’s face and something about the way he looked let you think that maybe you really changed him for the better and that the next girl he would fell for wouldn’t have to suffer like you did.

masterlist | tell me what you think :)

#writing #imagine #bts imagines #bts imagine #jungkook imagine #jungkook

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imaginarycalum-blog · 7 years ago

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Chasing Ghosts

pairing: jimin x reader

request: yes | no

genre: a little bit of angst

warnings: none

a/n: I wrote this a while ago while listening to “Chasing Ghosts” by Against The Current and I absolutely love this song ❤

Everything in your life was a routine of things you did. You never wanted it to turn out this way, it just kind of happened. No matter how hard you were trying to get back to the point where you were head over heels for him, you couldn’t get back. Things changed. He changed. And you probably changed too. Maybe it were the endless hours he spent in the studio recording songs with the other boys or the months he spent on tour, millions of miles away from you or maybe it was just your fault. Maybe you weren’t enough to make him happy anymore and maybe he wasn’t enough to make you happy anymore. You knew that he noticed it too, but you also knew that he would never be able to hurt you so he never said anything. He was hurting and you just couldn’t let another day pass where you guys would live a life only passing each other without any sign of the light that once was your love. You’ve thought a lot about how to end things with him, but you just couldn’t find a way that won’t hurt you both.

You were sitting on the couch in the living room of your shared apartment, waiting for him to come home after having dance practice with the other members. It became a habit of yours to stay awake and write on your new project when he wasn’t at home. Because even though you weren't sure if what you felt for him was love anymore, you just couldn’t fall asleep without him lying next to you. As well as you couldn’t imagine living a life without him in it and it drove you insane, knowing that you couldn’t go on living with him like this nor leave him behind.

“(Y/N)? Why are you still awake?”

You were probably too focused on the words in front of you to notice Jimin returning home, but now he was here: leaning in the doorframe, his arms crossed and his eyes searching your face for a sign on what to expect next.

“I couldn’t sleep. There’s just too much going on in my head and I thought if I write it down, it would finally let me have my peace, but..-“

“It’s not going away, isn’t it?” He made his way over to the couch and sat down beside you. You focused your gaze on the floor, not daring to get lost in his brown eyes. “Tell me what you’re thinking about.”

“You. Me. Us.” You turned in his direction to find him already looking at you. “You feel it too, don’t you?”

He nods, taking your hand in his. “I don’t want to lose you. You are way too important to me for that, but I don’t know what to do. It’s just different.”

You swallowed, trying to stop the tears from escaping your eyes. “Maybe we should take a break. Maybe if we have some time for ourselves apart from each other, it will help us sort everything out. I could move back home or you could move back to the dorms and then we will see what happens.” As much as you hoped for him not to agree with your idea, you knew it was the right thing to do. You had a feeling that you needed to lose each other if you wanted to save your love or whatever was left of it.

“I will move in with the boys and you can have the apartment.” He let out a deep breath, before continuing his words. “Maybe you’re right and all we need is some space, but can you promise me something?”

You not even hesitated for a second. “Anything.”

He takes your hands in his and it feels like his eyes stare right into your soul. “Please, don’t forget me.”

You could practically feel the air leaving your lungs as you waited for him to explain himself.

“Even if life chooses for us that not being together is the right thing, never forget that you are the love of my life. The first person I ever fell in love with. And god knows that I would never be able to forget you.”

“You’re my light, Jimin. You’ve always been. And even though I know that I’m lost in the dark of the world without you, I need to let you go now. But I will never ever forget you nor the things we experienced together. Promise.”

masterlist | tell me what you think :)

#writing #imagines #bts imagines #bts imagine #bts #jimin imagine #jimin

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imaginarycalum-blog · 7 years ago

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Too Late

pairing: yoongi x reader

request: yes | no

genre: angst

warnings: none

a/n: I don’t know if I want to end it like this, so let me know if you want a part two :)

You never really believed in what everyone else said about reliving your whole life in the last few seconds before you die. You thought they would make it up to exaggerate the whole process. To make it more spectacular. Like they did it with everything else in their lives. To be honest you never believed in anything. At least until you met him.

Min Yoongi.

You weren’t so naive to believe that he changed your life, but he definitely changed you. If it was a good change or a bad one, that’s the thing you weren’t so sure about. Sometimes you couldn’t even remember the person you were before he entered your life. Before you fell so badly in love. Before you had someone who actually cared about you.

One thing you knew about love was that it made you weak and even after meeting him you were still sure about that one thing. To give someone the power to hurt you is the dumbest thing anyone could do, but you did it anyways. It’s not like you had a choice. It’s not like anyone asked you what you wanted. They just pushed Yoongi into your life and waited for the classic drama to evolve.

And so it did.

“Just tell me what you think! Just for once in your life be brave enough to stand up for yourself! God damn it!” You could literally sense the blood pumping through his veins as he stood in front of you, screaming at the top of his lungs. You knew that this moment would come. The moment where he would realize that you weren’t what he was looking for. You just never expected it to be now, not even remembering how the fight had started.

“You want ME to stand up for myself?! People who live in a glass house shouldn’t throw stones.”

“What do you mean?” He lowers his voice and the anger in his eyes was replaced by confusion.

“I never had and never will have a problem with standing up for myself, but I think you have. It’s quiet obvious that you don’t feel the same way about me than you did when we met. I’m not what you’re looking for and you know it. So why don’t you stand up for yourself and just tell me, so that I can have a chance to move on too.” Your voice starts trembling and you know that you have to leave now if you don’t want him to see you cry.

As you wait for him to answer, you put on your jacket and your shoes. You slowly make your way to the door, grab your phone and put your hand on the door knob.

“I would’ve thought that you at least had the courage to say something about this. But I guess I’m not even important enough for that. Bye Yoongi, I hope you have a great life without me.”

With that you shut the door and leave him behind. He not even runs after you as you unlock your car nor when you take your place behind the wheel. You weren’t even sure if you wanted him to. Of course you wanted to fight for your relationship, but not if he had already given up.

It was cold outside that evening and the water on the roads started to freeze. Probably it wasn’t the best idea to drive now, especially in that emotional state of yours, but you needed to get away immediately.

You were nearly at your friend’s house when you lost control over the car. It drove off the street and tumbled so it was laying on its roof. Your head banged against the steering wheel and in an instant everything went black before your eyes and was replaced by an aching pain in your head and your chest. Somewhere deep inside of you spread the fear that you were dying here and that’s when it started.

It was like a movie that showed everything that ever happened in your life and there was one face that you saw over and over again: Yoongi.

You saw the day you two met after he got lost in your city on his day off.

You saw the day he told you he loved you on your sister’s wedding.

You saw the day you told him about your fear of losing him and how he said: “I’m forever yours, jagi”.

You saw the days you spent with him and the boys in the studio and you saw the fight you two had today. It was also the last memory you saw.

Far away in the real world you heard your phone ringing in your pocket and you knew it was him. You knew he wanted to apologize, because that’s just how he is. But what if it was too late this time? What if you were dying right here, right now without giving him the chance to talk to you one last time? He would never be able to forgive himself for that. And with that last thought on your mind you lost your consciousness.

masterlist | tell me what you think :)

#writing #imagines #bts imagines #bts imagine #suga imagine #suga #yoongi

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imaginarycalum-blog · 7 years ago

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Scared Of Being Happy

pairing: taehyung x reader

request: yes | no

genre: angst + fluff ending

warnings: none

a/n: This is inspired by Fifth Harmony’s song “Scared Of Happy”, so you might want to listen to it while reading :)

The list he kept in his desk was long. Names over names covered the surface. It was easy for him to forget that behind every name, there was a story. A girl whose heart he broke. And now he was sitting at home adding another name to the list. Another girl who couldn’t fix his broken heart. Even though it was close this time. He was happy for a few weeks, but he did something stupid again. “You’re just scared of being happy” were your last words before he left you. And you were right, of course you were right. His heart was too far away in the dark for anyone to reach it. He doesn’t remember when it started, not knowing if there was ever a time where he was completely happy. Hearing his door open, interrupted his thoughts. He had expected you, knowing that it wasn’t like you to give up easily.

Your hair was wet from the rain outside and your breath was quick and unsteady. After Taehyung broke up with you, you needed time to think. But no matter how long you thought about it, you knew that you couldn’t forget him that easily. He was the only thing you really cared about right now.

“I need to talk to you before it’s too late.” Your eyes were searching for his, but he couldn’t look at you. Always trying to find something else to focus on.

“Too late for what?”

“For us.”

“(Y/N)…”

“No, you need to listen to me. I can’t give you up and I won’t give you up.” You fascinated him. He never understood how you could be so fragile and strong at the same time.

“You can’t fix me. Believe me, you’re not the first one to try.”

“Don’t say that. I can’t let you destroy yourself. Because that’s exactly what you do.”

“Just leave (Y/N), you’ll do better without me. I’m just going to hurt you again.”

“But what about me? I need you.”

“No, you don’t need me. You’re just searching for someone who can love you and I can’t do that. I’m not capable of loving someone.” He saw how you winced at his words, but he needed you to leave. He needed you to finally find someone who can be the boyfriend you deserve.

“You’re just saying that so I’ll leave, but I won’t leave you Tae. I know that you are capable of loving someone, you just need the right person to show you that.” You sat down on his bed, showing him that you won’t leave this room until he gives in. “And I am the right person.”

His lips formed a smile seeing you sitting there where you were in love just days ago. “I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you. It’s just that you’re the only good and constant thing in my life. You make me happy, but like you said I guess I’m scared of being happy. Because if you love someone then you always have something to lose and I lost something important one too many times before. I just can’t go through that again.” He finally looked you in the eyes, trying to make you understand. Trying to show you what he has been through and how it really looked inside of him.

“But if you never have something to lose, then you will never have something to live for. Life without love isn’t worth living and I hope that you let me show you that.” You stand up and walk over to him, slowly not wanting him to push you away again. “Will you let me show you that?”

He wasn’t sure how to answer, he just knew that he needed to give it a shot. You were too important to him, to just let you go. “You can try.” The smile on your lips and the way you wrapped your hands around his neck was the confirmation that he needed. “We can try.”

masterlist | tell me what you think :)

#writing #imagine #bts imagines #bts #taehyung #v imagine #bts imagine

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imaginarycalum-blog · 7 years ago

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It’s amazing! I even cried a tear. it was really beautiful ❤️

Aww, thank you ❤️Messages like this really mean a lot to me and make my day so much better 😊

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imaginarycalum-blog · 7 years ago

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Firework In The Dark

pairing: jungkook x reader

request: yes | no

genre: light angst

warnings: none

a/n: I’m back and really in the mood to write. So feel free to send me requests for imagines or reactions you want to see :)

You could still remember seeing the firework in the night sky. It was one of the most beautiful things you had ever seen in your life. The colorful artwork also seemed to take away the pain you were feeling since he left you to go on tour. You never blamed him for making the decisions he had made, but you also weren’t particularly happy about them. There was just this emptiness that no one except Jungkook could fill and when people asked you where you were hurting, you simply answered: Everywhere. Because there was nothing that he hadn’t had an impact on. You changed when you met him and you changed when he left you. The question now was: Who were you without him?

Losing yourself outside in the dark, looking up to see a sky full of stars and colors, somehow made you stop thinking. Eventually it made you see that everything around you was so much bigger and more important than you were. The universe didn’t revolve around you or your aching heart. It wasn’t made of the memories you shared with the boy who was your first love, but every once in a while you still loved to trace them in your mind.

For example the moment you met. It wasn’t an exciting nor dramatic love story, but it was perfect the way it was. You still remember how you saw his face for the first time at one of his concerts and how you drowned in his brown eyes. You were always scared of water as you’ve never learned how to swim, but drowning in his eyes and his soul never scared you. Not even for a second. Your best friend has always been a huge fan of his group and one night she dragged you along to one of their concerts. At first you weren’t sure how it would be to stand in an ocean of screaming fans, not knowing why they screamed as you never really dealt with them and their music before. But when they got on stage and your eyes met his, that’s when you knew that you would be okay.

The next memory that always found a way back into your head was the night he told you that he loved you. You were celebrating New Year’s Eve with him and the other members in a club in Seoul. It had been 4 months since he found a way into your life and he was convinced to never leave you again. As you danced together, his hands protectively moving all over your body, the words just fell out of his mouth: “God, I love you.” You could feel how he automatically tensed up. He looked down into your eyes, fanatical searching for a reaction in them. “I’m so sorry (Y/N), I don’t know why I said that. Well, of course I know why I said that, but-.” You shut him up by placing a soft kiss on his lips. “I love you too, you idiot.”

You always kept telling each other how much you loved the other one, because you knew how easy it was to forget it. When he left you to go on tour again, something changed. Not something about him or about the way he felt about you, but something about how he handled things. He started to doubt his choices about leaving you lonely waiting for him to come back. Never did he imagine your life to turn out like this: Always waiting for him to come back and then to leave again. Even though you never complained, he knew that you were breaking. And that’s when he started doubting if he deserved somebody so precious like you. These doubts that formed in his head, that’s what killed your love. Because the moment you start doubting something, that’s when all the illusions start to shatter. Imagine it like this: You’ve built up an illusion to protect your heart, but when you start to see the truth behind that illusion than there is no going back. If you start to doubt it once, then you will always doubt it again.

You can still pinpoint the exact moment he started to change. The moment you lost him. And even though there was no moment that hurt you more than the one he left you, you knew that if there really was something like a higher power out there, he would come back to you. And even though he left you so you wouldn’t wait for him to come back, that was exactly what you did as you looked up into the night sky.

You waited.

masterlist | tell me what you think :)

#jungkook #imagine #bts #bts imagine #bts imagines #bangtan boys #jungkook imagine #writing

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imaginarycalum-blog · 9 years ago

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Can I Have This Dance | C.H.

Just imagine Calum coming home from a long day at the studio to you dancing with an imaginary Troy in the living room of your shared apartment while singing the words to “Can I Have This Dance” at the top of your lungs. And he would just lean on the doorframe and try really hard not to laugh at the scene in front of him even though he honestly finds it pretty adorable ❤

#blurb #calum hood #5 seconds of summer #5sos #writing #5sos imagine #5sos blurb #calum blurb

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imaginarycalum-blog · 9 years ago

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Lifeguide For Fangirls 1 | Rant

I wrote this, because I needed to get this off my chest and maybe somebody out there can relate to what I wrote and maybe this is somehow even helpful for anyone, who knows? I’m always open to listen to other opinions, so if you have something to say about this topic don’t be afraid to message me or comment it on this post :) [Btw please don’t take everything I wrote too serious, sometimes I tend to be very sarcastic.]

When you fall in love with a person that you know you can’t have, that’s always hard.

When the person doesn’t even know you exist while you are dreaming of him every minute of the day, that’s even harder.

Seeing him with girls that are way prettier and talented than you are, that’s the point where you break.

But it’s not your fault that you like him so much.

It’s not your fault that he puts your expectations of a boyfriend too high for any of the “real” boys to reach them.

And it’s not your fault that you can’t stop having hope for something that will never be.

But what do you do when you’re in such a position?

It’s not like there’s a life guide for fangirls who fell in love with their favorite band member.

No, you’re stuck with all those feelings and problems all by yourself with no one to help you.

I mean sure you can just hide in your room forever, listening to their music and reading fanfics that just make everything worse, but that wouldn’t be so productive.

Becoming a stalker and making plans with your internet besties how to kidnap him, isn’t a great idea either.

So what do you do?

Those feelings won’t disappear within a few days, they’re real feelings.

At least that’s what you think, but let’s be honest here, from one fanatic fangirl to another:

You can’t fall in love with a person you never really talked to.

I know hearing the truth hurts, but I never said that we should think logical here.

The word fangirl is enough to cancel the word logical in the context.

Everything a fangirl does isn’t logical, so who cares about the truth, am I right?

So were exactly at the point we started at.

Still alone, losing ourselves in feelings we can’t describe.

In situations like this, where my fangirl side or whatever I’m supposed to call it, takes over my body, my mind and my heart, that’s the moments where I should probably reach out to my real friends, the non-fangirls.

They should be able to keep me grounded, right? Wrong.

I’m really sorry to disappoint you, but there is no way that they’ll understand even the slightest part of what you are going through.

Screw ex boyfriends and crushes that didn’t turn into boyfriends, that is nothing compared to your situation.

Oh wait, I forgot to mention the best thing: Friends who have a boyfriend and a real, good working relationship, because these friends are the worst.

I mean there you are with your broken heart, with the desire to have a boyfriend and then they show up and just be completely happy 24/7 and because you are good friend and you love them you listen to all their “Oh my god, did you see what Jake got me?!” and “OMG, how cute on a scale from 1 to 10 do we look on this photo?!” while you just want to punch them right in their face.

But let’s get back to business here.

We still haven’t found a solution for our problem.

Until now we were able to exclude asking non-fangirls for help, kidnapping the love of your life and laying on your bed waiting for a miracle to happen from our list.

But before we go on, I want to get a little more serious here for a minute and talk about another way you’re not getting rid of the feelings you have for him and that is to ignore the real world.

I did that a long time over and I sometimes still have the habit to just live in my dream world and try to have nothing to do with real people and so on.

It’s really not healthy if you do it a lot, because it can lead to depression and self-harming which is never a way.

I suffered under depression and anxiety a long time over, because I wasn’t feeling comfortable in my own body and everything was just too much for me to handle. I always compared myself to girls who were prettier, skinnier or just girls in general that had a chance in dating that specific band member I had feelings for.

I would go to school, come straight back home and would spent the rest of the day just watching TV series, YouTube videos or reading books. I would do anything that would stop me from thinking about my real life. Being bullied in school, wasn’t particularly a big help.

So please never do that, you’re perfect the way you are and even if you won’t believe me now, I promise that someday you will believe it.

I tried really hard to lose weight, because I just wanted to be more like them, you know? But I noticed really quickly that I lost my will to live through all that.

So I asked myself what is more important: Being happy or being skinny? [Don’t get me wrong, there are probably a million people out there who can be both, but for me it just didn’t work out.] I chose being happy and after a time I got used to not being a perfect and skinny girl.

This road from suffering under depression and anxiety to finally being happy and feeling comfortable in my own body took me years, so take your time. Self-confidence is something that needs time to evolve. But just so you know, you can always write me if you want my advice or if you need someone to listen. I understand what you are going through and I’m here.

It’s really hard for me to write about all of this, so can we please go back to the easy stuff? Thank you.

You know what I just thought about, why don’t we all just form a support group for fangirls, where everyone can talk to people who understand them.

I mean that sounds like a great idea, right? Right.

But what if you met another fangirl in the group that likes the same band member?

Let’s just say: Welcome to World War 3!

I mean no offense but fangirls are the worst people to have an argument with.

We always get offended about everything, we always need everything to happen the way we want it and the worst case scenario: Somebody isn’t our opinion, doesn’t ship our OTP or loves the same celebrity.

You know these special days where shops offer you that you can get everything you can grab for free? Just imagine that the really gorgeous dress that everyone wants to have is the celebrity and that the fangirls are the customers. Do you see what I see? I thought so.

So we can exclude support groups for fangirls from our list too.

Let’s go on with another possible way: Falling in love with a boy you met in real life.

I mean the possibility of that to happen is like one to a billion, but what if the luck is on your side for once? What if you met somebody who actually is able to live up to your expectations?

Somebody who doesn’t live on the other side of the world?

What if that really happens?

I hope that there are still some dreamers out there, but when it comes to real life relationships then I’m definitely one of those who gave up hope. You heard right: I’M A HOPELESS CASE.

No boy will ever fall in love with me, so it’s just normal for me to fall in love with a celebrity who will never reject me, because he doesn’t even know I dream of him every second of every day in my life.

But that’s not true either, because he can reject me in an indirect way and that is the worst possible outcome of my situation. Let me introduce you to my worst case scenario: HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.

I had this scenario once and I can tell you that I felt a part of me dying when I read online that he “made his relationship with (...) official”. I just wanted to throw my phone against the next wall and scream. You can say that he was my first real celebrity crush and to be honest is the one I had after him still my current one. Sure there were some short crushes here and there, but these two they just stuck with me the whole time over.

You probably think that I’m a lunatic for giving these feelings so much meaning, but for me that’s just what they were/are.

So here I am, still feeling attached to my second celebrity crush after the first one broke my heart. [NEWSFLASH: HE STILL HAS THAT GIRLFRIEND. AND SHE PROBABLY IS A NICE HUMAN BEING, BUT I STILL HATE HER. SORRY FOR THAT.]

Description of my current state: I started writing this at 1am, because I couldn’t sleep. And when I can’t sleep then I feel lonely. And when I feel lonely then I start to think of all the things that make me so different from the people around me and I don’t always mean different in a good way. So I started this little rant at 1 am and somehow my feelings took over my brain and it turned out to be so much longer than I expected it to be. I’m not even sure if anybody will ever read this but if you do then I just want to tell you some things:

Give yourself all the time you need. And I not only mean give yourself all the time you need to accept yourself, but also when it comes to getting rid of feelings you actually don’t want to feel. There is no way that you can rush out of them, because it’s just natural for you to try to hold on to them. They mean something to you and no one will lose something that means something to them. And believe me one day they will be gone, but it might take you a while to get there.

When you are in a situation where you feel like you’re losing your touch to reality then turn to someone for help. Sometimes it doesn’t even seem like something bad, but it can easily turn out like that. No matter how miserable you are feeling and how hopeless everything seems to be, believe I’ve been there and it gets better. It really does, but not yet. And you won’t get through it all by yourself. That’s just not how it works.

You know what I do when I feel like I’m going back to my old ways/habits? I write. I always have my little journey around or when I’m at home I have my laptop to write on. For me writing is a way to not only express my feelings but also to work through them. I understand when you aren’t able to talk to other people about it yet, so just write it down to somewhat talk to yourself about it. Who knows maybe what you are writing down now will help someone else later on? Because it’s always easy to learn from experiences other people made.

Celebrity crushes are totally normal, so is the life of a fangirl. Don’t ever let someone tell you it isn’t. My friends used to tell me at every possible moment that I’m crazy for being so in love with bands, TV shows, books and so on. But they only say that, because they can’t understand and you aren’t able to explain it to them. Either you were born a fangirl or you weren’t, that’s just how it is. And to honest, life without all those things that only fangirls experience would be totally boring, am I right?

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If you ever feel like you need someone who can understand you or who can give you some advice or if you ever need someone who can listen to you, I’m always here to do that ♥

#writing #rant #5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sos imagine #calum hood #michael clifford #ashton irwin #luke hemmings #celebrity crush #bands #fangirl #band members #love #love yourself

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