imaginarylifetimes

[imaginarylifetimes]

ADHD tips from a girlie who was diagnosed in her late twenties and has had little to no support since and is being so brave about it:

1) Make it easy, make it accessible, and make it appealing. If anything this is the most important thing, all tips going forward are based around this concept.

2) That thing you think would help you but you haven’t bought/done it yet because you’re technically surviving without it? Buy it, you need it. It doesn’t matter if people around you might think it’s wasteful or that you’re lazy, you’re not, just do it, trust me.

3) Expanding on tip #2, if you’re like me and eggs are your main source of protein because they’re quick and easy and feeding yourself is a near insurmountable task- buy yourself an electric egg cooker, make a bunch of hard boiled eggs and keep them in your fridge for quick and easy protein to add to any meal (handful of crackers, a hard boiled egg and a banana? 5 star meal right there. Or mash them up with some mayo for egg salad sandwiches). Other easy proteins include: potstickers (put them in instant ramen), edamame (they have microwaveable snack packs), chickpeas (put in salads!), beans (can of beans microwaved with shredded cheese and some tortilla chips), peanut butter (with crackers, apple and cheese, adult lunchable style), and tofu (cut into cubes, throw them into a ziplock with some seasoning and potato starch, shake that shit up and bake it until crispy).

4) Spend a little extra (if you are able) on daily use items that excite you, it will make you more likely to remember/want to do said daily task. For example: the only reason I remember to use sunscreen is because I bought some fancy japanese sunscreen that smells like roses so I get excited to use it, same for laundry detergent and body wash! there’s a gajillion different body wash scents out there, switch it up!

5) If there’s a task you continuously struggle with take a moment to think about which part of the task is making it difficult, it could be something even as small as “I don’t put my dirty clothes in the hamper because my hamper has a lid on it and lifting the lid is one step too many-”, sounds a little stupid huh? But trust your gut, it’s not stupid if it works. See tip #2 and BUY A HAMPER WITHOUT A LID.

6) If you are having trouble starting a task, break the task down further, sometimes the way I start a task is just by going “Ok step 1) stand up-“ and so forth. Don’t worry about the task as a whole just take it one step at a time.

7) If you’re halfway through a task and have to stop, leave it out. All this, “Put things away when you’re done with them.” is bullshit. you will be much more likely to finish the task if restarting it is easier because you left it out plus it’s a visual reminder. You can also create faux deadlines like “I gotta finish this project before my friend comes over on tuesday because after I finish it I can clean off the dinner table.” etc.

8) It’s okay to outsource tasks and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, humans are designed to ask for, and to require help (what do babies do when they’re first born?? cry for help!!) ask for help and receive help without shame, if it makes your life better, you are WINNING.

9) If you have one big overwhelming task that you think you need to get done before anything else, but you feel motivated to do other tasks, do those other tasks first, it’s okay. Otherwise in all likelihood (at least in my case) you’ll put everything off until the last minute and then have to do said overwhelming task and those other tasks won’t get done at all. Doing those smaller tasks also lowers the mental load and you can use them as a motivation launch pad to tackle bigger things.

10) If you notice you tend to not put something away/forget to do something, perhaps consider moving and storing the item closer to where it ultimately ends up or where you are more likely to see it. For example, my makeup, pills, and mail are all stored on my desk because that’s where I tend to do my makeup, take my pills and deal with my mail. I used to store my pills in my bathroom medicine cabinet but all too often I would forget because they weren’t in my line of sight. Now that they’re on my desk, I have multiple chances per day to pass by them, go “oh I gotta take those.” and take them.

11) Open storage, open storage, OPEN STORAGE.

12) Motivation can look like all kinds of things. sometimes the only reason I get out of bed is because I remember I have a fun snack and I get to go eat it if I get up. It’s okay to lean into those simple “animal-brain” type motivators, you’ll eat because then you can use that fun new kitchen gadget you got a daiso? Neat. you’ll shower because then you can paint your nails that fun new color you got? Fantastic. You’ll go to the dmv and do that annoying thing because you’ll take yourself out for boba after? Superb. Lean-IN to those small motivators, they aren’t stupid or childish, they are VITAL.

13) Don’t buy into the cult of “if it’s worth doing, do it properly” it’s guaranteed to set you up for failure. If it’s worth doing, do it in whatever capacity you are able to. I put sunscreen on once a day because that’s fucking better than not doing it at all and I sure as all hell will fail at reapplying it multiple times a day. If it’s worth doing, do it half-assed babieeee.

Go forth and prosper!!! xoxo ✌️🩵

[imaginarylifetimes]

when your mutual reblogs something with a full page of tags its like. girl (gender neutral) i am filling my mug with coffee and reading this like the morning paper. i am so interested in your thoughts on this post. i love you.

[imaginarylifetimes]

🏳️‍⚧️ NEW SHIRT DROP! Protect Trans Kids! This is a hand-illustrated, hand-pulled screenprint made in collaboration with my partner for her LGBTQ+ themed shop. This one’s loud, proud, and printed in a soft ombré of trans pride colors. 💙🤍🩷🤍💙 Now available on black and on kid's shirts!

✨ Available now in my partner’s Etsy shop: https://gayandtired.etsy.com/ Because queer joy is resistance - and trans kids deserve to grow up safe, celebrated, and loved. 🫶

[imaginarylifetimes]

WIP BuckTommy 5 + 1 - Part 4

5 times the 118 worries about telling Buck that Tommy got married, and 1 time they realized they didn't have to. Part 4, as promised this evening. Part five and the +1 may need to wait until next week.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

4. Ravi

It’s three in the morning when they get called to a three alarm fire.  The captain Reed of the 133 is IC, so Chimney splits them off to join another crew on the Charlie side.  Ravi heads off with Eddie and Patrick with their gear, ready to get to work.

Ravi had clocked that the 133, the 162 and the 217 are there already, but he almost stops short when he sees Tommy and Lucy working a line together.

Patrick bumps into him as he rushes by, and Ravi and Eddie get their line set up to add more water to the flames.  He and Eddie don’t operate as smoothly in the field as he and Buck did.  He’d like to say it’s because he hasn’t worked with Eddie as long, but he’s come to realize Buck would probably have chemistry with a door when it comes to the job.

Ravi loses track of time, but eventually they beat the fire back and manage to save the building.  It’s going to need extensive remediation, but it’s structurally sound.

With the hoses off, and the fire gone, the quite almost rings in Ravi’s ears.  He looks over to Tommy and Lucy and calls out, “They had you guys working ground crew?”

“We maxed out on our flight hours,” Tommy called back, helping Lucy coil the hose. 

Lucy scoffed.  “Speak for yourself, Kinard!  I’m just here to make sure your sorry ass makes it home.”

“Fuck off, Lucy,” Tommy said jokingly. “You’d be lost without me.”

“Oi, Kinard!  You kiss your husband with that mouth?” Lucy shot back, grinning ear to ear.

Ravi nearly dropped his hose.  “Shit!  You guys actually tied the knot?  Where was my invite?”

“These assholes flew to Vegas!” Lucy threw out. “They purposely went to Vegas, got hitched while sober, and didn’t get an Elvis impersonator to do it.”

“Those are tacky,” Ravi offers, trying to support Tommy while still wrapping his mind around it.

Lucy scoffs again.  “Like a Vegas elopement isn’t tacky!”

“You’ve made your opinion clear,” Tommy says with a smile and a shrug. “It worked for us.  Besides, we actually got married, and then we flew to Vegas.”

Before Ravi has a chance to ask any more questions, Chimney’s voice crackles over the radio.  “Pannikar, Diaz, Grundy!  We’ve been relieved, and we’re clearing out in five. Back to the trucks or you’re walking!”

Ravi offers a short wave to Lucy and Tommy, then the three of them double time it back to the truck and get their gear stowed away.

Eddie has a pinched look on his face when they sit down, but keeps quiet.  Patrick, on the other hand, is a notorious gossip.

“You still hang out with Buckley, right Pannikar?” Patrick asks, leaning forward as the truck pulls away.

“Yep,” Ravi offers back.

“You going to tell him his ex got hitched?” he asks, a little too gleefully.

Ravi shakes his head, asking himself: What is wrong with people these days.  Instead, he just says to Patrick, “Not really my place to be saying anything.”

Patrick clearly notes Ravi’s unimpressed tone, and the rest of the drive is quiet.

*** 9-1-1***

Ravi heads straight home after showering at the station at the end of shift.  He’s wiped, and just wants to get to bed.

He unlocks the door to see his girlfriend sitting on the couch, her bare feet up on the coffee table, textbook propped in her lap.

“Hey babe,” she calls.  “Tough shift?”

“Three am call.  We didn’t get much rest,” Ravi explains.  He bends over and plants a kiss on her forehead as he walks past her to the kitchen.  “I’m going to grab a shake and head to bed.  You want one?”

“No thanks,” she responds, turning back to her textbook. 

Ravi busies himself in the kitchen, blending the smoothie, and washing out the pitcher before downing the whole thing fast enough to give himself brain freeze.  He feels like a zombie as he crawls into bed.

Minutes later, his girlfriend slips into the bed next to him, settles herself propped up against some pillows, and cards her fingers through his hair.  She likes to listen to audiobooks while he sleeps off a shift, and he loves having her near him.

“Did you know they got married?” Ravi asks her, not even having to say who.

Her finger’s still in his hair, and she’s silent for a moment before she replies.  “Yes.  Mom and I were the witnesses.”

Ravi sits with that for a minute, then asks a question he already knows the answer to.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

May’s quiet again for a pause.  “They didn’t want to let the news out right away.”

“You’re a good friend to them,” Ravi mumbles back. 

May’s fingers go back to carding through his hair as he drifts off to sleep.

Tag list: @fenrirscarsback, @thuperrah

[imaginarylifetimes]

Ok breaking containment for this one because I need everyone who will listen to hear this.

Women who suffer bad cramps are told cramps shouldn't affect school/work/etc, but no one ever investigates further because no one can possibly know if what someone experiences is just typical pain or something much worse.

Well after 15 years of stage 4 treatment-resistant endometriosis that came with pain as bad as, if not worse than, actual labor contractions every month, all the while being told I was 'typical' and 'just had bad cramps', I've finally been healed (another post for another time). I have had what everyone describes as the elusive 'normal period pain' for several months now, and I am begging you to look me in the eyes and listen because I need everyone who can hear this to hear this.

I have been on both sides of this. I have the hard-earned knowledge of what a period 'should' feel like.

If you have to put in any effort to hide your cramps, you need to get help.

Even during of the PEAK OF CRAMPING (i.e., as bad as your cramps possibly get), you should still be able to stand, speak, walk, eat, work, and sleep with no problems. These tasks should require very-little-to-no extra effort beyond what you would normally do when you aren't on your period. When you do these things, you should feel grumpy and a little bit icky and maybe a twinge of nerves and NOTHING MORE.

If you have to sit in the corner and hope no one approaches you because you can't speak or stand without showing pain, even slightly, you need to get help. If your pain is showing on your face, you need to get help. And most importantly, IF YOUR PAIN DOES NOT RESPOND TO 1-2 TYLENOL OR IBUPROFEN, YOU NEED TO GET HELP.

Your period cramps should make you grumpy. Your period cramps should make you feel a little icky and tired. Your period cramps should make you feel your insides existing/moving a bit and a twinge of nerves that makes you groan slightly then the "pain" should stop there, NOTHING MORE.

If your cramps put you on the floor but you make believe you're the captain of a ship who has just been stabbed and has to hide it to fight on, and you force yourself to power through the day, please understand: you are not okay, that does not make you okay. Just because you can power through the pain doesn't mean you aren't sick. If you have to force yourself through any basic task beyond the effort it takes you to do when you aren't on your period, and I am holding your face and looking you in the eye as I say this because I need you to hear me: You aren't normal. You don't 'just have bad cramps'. You are sick and you need to get help.

Now most people will tell you if your cramps are beyond a 3 out of 10 on the pain scale, you should see a doctor. While this is usually true, you have to consider chronic pain CAN AND WILL BREAK YOUR PAIN SCALE. Most people will only compare pain they currently feel to pain they may experience one day but probably never will. "Sure these cramps feel bad now, but if I had a leg amputated with no anesthesia, that would hurt WAY worse, so this pain can't be that bad-" No. Your pain is what it is, objectively, full stop. My cramps were at a 10 out of 10 every. Single. Time. And nobody told me claiming they were a 6-8 because I thought to myself 'what if I lose a limb one day?' was completely wrong. 10 pain is 10 pain. And if there's something that hurts worse than that, guess what. The thing you are experiencing right now is still a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. Just because you experience it every month doesn't mean it's magically not as bad is it is. And if your pain is worse than a 3 out of 10, you need to get help.

Now when I say get help, I mean find the root cause of your pain. You can't just throw drugs and hormones at it without knowing what it causing your pain. Endometriosis, fibroids, pcos, cancer, adenomyosis, polyps, thyroid issues, there is always a cause. And if you leave it untreated, it will grow and get worse to the point where it resists treatment and the drugs and hormones you've been throwing at it for years don't work anymore. You have to find a doctor that will investigate. If your doctor tells you you 'just have bad cramps' get a new doctor. I know you've been told that but please hear me: no one ever just has bad cramps. A healthy human body doesn't spontaneously cause itself pain so bad you can't stand up; there is ALWAYS a cause.

I was sick for more than 15 years. My entire life was put on hold and now I'm in my late 20s trying desperately to play catch up for everything I missed. I want to pick up 12yo me, spin her around, and tell her she doesn't have to die before she finally stops hurting. I don't want anyone to suffer the same fate I did simply because everyone told them they were normal. A little twinge of pain here and there is normal, suffering is not. I promise you your pain is real, it is not normal, and dear heavenly day I am begging you you need to get help now.

TL;DR: There is no such thing as 'just bad cramps.' If you feel anything more than grumpy, icky, and pain greater than a 3 out of 10, you need to find out what's wrong with you before it gets worse.

[imaginarylifetimes]

AU where Buck and Taylor went on a few dates but it didn't quite work out, and he goes out with Taylor to clubs afterward to pull, and somewhere in there Buck figures out that he's bi; and then one night they're at the bar, Buck standing behind her as she tries to flirt with Tommy and when she asks him "so, what's your type?" and Tommy very bluntly says "men" she just says, "Oh, you should talk to my fri-" but Buck has already put a hand across her face like an annoying little sister and gently pushes her away and hits Tommy with the "hey, I'm Evan"

[imaginarylifetimes]

this is not a comprehensive tutorial, but it is an intro to some things that have made my life so much better. you may have already heard of these! but every time I talk about them in a group-chat or whatever, someone learns of one of these for the first time, and I want to share the good news. so here are

the Four Simple Tools Which Have Most Improved My AO3 Experience (on the computer, at least):

FIRST, for writers: the AO3 posting script google doc.

if you take nothing else from this post, let it be this. let the blessed light of the ao3 posting doc shine upon you.

okay so you know how if you copy your doc into the rich text editor on AO3, it will fuck up your formatting? just a little. like, if a word is italicized at the end of a sentence, but the full stop isn't italicized, there'll be a space between them and it looks weird? or it'll insert extra line breaks between paragraphs?

that's because the rich text editor takes what's copied into it and converts it to HTML, and I guess weird stuff can happen in that process, e.g. the rich text editor interpreting every line break as a new paragraph, including blank ones, thus the weird extra line breaks.

thankfully, there's a way to convert your doc directly to HTML that doesn't run into all those problems! it's the AO3 posting script. you make a copy of that google doc for yourself, so you have editing privileges. then you copy your fic into it, hit "post to AO3" -> "prepare for pasting into HTML editor" and boom, it will do the damn thing for you. it has saved me so much time and energy and annoyance. lots of people know about this, but every time I bring it up I find someone I know has not yet heard the good news, so: now you know!

okay, for the rest of these you need a userscript manager for your browser, like greasemonkey or tampermonkey. a userscript manager is a browser extension that lets you run a userscript (a little program, usually written in JavaScript) to modify particular webpages. I use firefox, so I use the greasemonkey browser extension linked above, but there are others out there! they should have their own installation instructions.

SECOND, for readers: the floating comment box.

wish you could write up comments while you read instead of waiting until you get to the end of the fic/chapter? this script creates a way a, well, floating comment box that you can access while you read! you access it by clicking this little "O" button in the upper left-hand corner of the brower.

when you do that, a floating box pops up, into which you can type your thoughts in as you read! you can also highlight text and click "insert selection," and that text will show up in the box, italicized, for you to tell the author what your favorite lines were!

hitting "add to comment box" will make the contents of the comment box at the bottom of the page match the contents of the floating box.

THIRD, for readers: ao3 savior and ao3 savior config.

is there shit you just never want to see again? say, for instance, you'd love to never see a harry potter fanfiction again. ao3 savior can help!

the way this one works is that you install the 'ao3 savior' script and the 'ao3 savior config' script separately. then when you want to add something to your blocklist, you go to your userscript manager extension (e.g. greasemonkey), go to the ao3 savior config script, and hit edit.

there are some default/example tags included to show the various ways to blacklist or whitelist works, but, for instance, here I've added "Harry Potter*" to the list of tags to exclude. (the * is a wildcard, so it will include "Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling" AND "Harry Potter - Fandom" AND any other tags that start with "Harry Potter".)

now, if I'm looking through fics and there's a Harry Potter crossover in the list, it will be hidden, and I'll be able to see why! and if I look at the tag itself...

ah! what bliss.

and FOURTH, for readers: ao3 tweak formatting.

finally: say there's a fic posted by someone who has not yet seen the blessed light of the ao3 posting script doc, and you want to read it, but the extra paragraph breaks really annoy you. or they learned to type in 1931 and so they double-space between sentences. or... various other common typing quirks! this script creates a handly little dropdown that will remove those quirks, just after the notes, after the beginning notes and before the chapter title.

click on "remove line breaks" or whatever, and poof! the extra line breaks are gone.

it's like magic.

I know installing scripts might seem a little daunting if you've never done it before! but it's actually really easy and handy. I know there are other, more in-depth tutorials for installing/using these scripts out there, too, if this is confusing. and probably there are other great tools out there that I don't even know about! I'm just writing this up quickly while I was thinking about it, so I can go to dinner.

I hope at least some of this is useful to you. happy writing, reading, and commenting!

[imaginarylifetimes]

"these researchers published a paper on something that literally any of us could have told you 🙄" ok well my supervisors wont let me write something in my thesis unless I can back it up with a citation so maybe it's a good thing that they're amplifying your voice to the scientific community in a way that prevents people from writing off your experiences as annecdotal evidence

[imaginarylifetimes]

First season of Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency being like

[imaginarylifetimes]

I wish Mythbusters was still around so we could see them fuck up a Cybertruck

[imaginarylifetimes]

[imaginarylifetimes]

Me, chanting quietly to myself while my coworkers nervously look on: you don't want to write an Eddie pov fic about Buck pulling away that forces Eddie to do a scooch of self reflection, you don't want to write an Eddie pov fic about Buck pulling away that forces Eddie to do a scooch of self reflection, you don't want to write an Eddie pov fic about Buck pulling away that forces Eddie to do a scooch of self reflection, you don't

[imaginarylifetimes]

so Ruby Sunday was likely meant to be Desiderium before behind the scenes stuff made the show go to all hell.

This is an expansion of the theory I posted on Bluesky (kicked off by this Reddit thread), and maybe I am just copin' and seethin' but. like. even Charles Dickens would think this is all too much of a coincidence to not be Something.

Here's how I think it probably went down before Millie and Ncuti decided to leave early: The Rani kidnaps the God of Wishes and places her with a normal foster family, moving in next door to keep tabs on her, and when the time comes engineers things for the Doctor to take an interest in her (Church on Ruby Road). Ruby's DNA scans as human because she was born to human parents, but cannot be traced in the UK because she was born 180 years ago in Bavaria. And also her mum is flowers.

In Space Babies Fifteen wishes he and Ruby could be Poppy's parents within earshot of the God of Wishes, who unintentionally makes this true when Wish World opens with Ruby and John Smith having Poppy as their kid. Series 1 then plays out much as it had done before, with Ruby's ability to recognise something is wrong with the Doctorless universe in 73 Yards and Maestro's fear of her hidden song because she's a powerful member of the Pantheon. I think the rewrites only began with the ending of Empire of Death - in the original cut, it turns out even the fash DNA supercomputer doesn't know who she is and we're left on a cliffhanger with regards to this.

Ruby decides to take time out of the TARDIS after seeing the whole universe end and whilst Fifteen is off having adventures in Joy to the World she briefly dates Alan Budd before dumping him due to his controlling behaviour during a date where he gifts her a star certificate. She rejoins Fifteen after she is kidnapped by robots from Missrubysunday (with Ruby replacing Belinda this season the star certificate thing is centred on her) and he rescues her, with the time fracture in that episode reversing the events of the episode but leaving Alan's memory intact. He's dumped back on Earth where he becomes determined to ruin Ruby's life and so Lucky Day is about Alan, not Conrad, attacking UNIT/Ruby. At the end of the episode Alan is picked up by an ecstatic Rani who now has the God of Wishes and her ex boyfriend who has a serious grudge against her and wants to change the world for the worst.

Season two remains pretty much the same as well. We then hit the finale which also plays out the same initially - sorry guys I think Omega was always going to be a skeleton baby :( - but with Ruby ending the fake reality by breaking into where Alan is holding her as a baby and touching her baby self's hand, just like the resolution with the certificate in Robot Revolution. The universe resets but Ruby notices Poppy is missing, able to remember her because a) she was the one who cast the wish; b) her experience with parallel universes (73 Yards); and c) her characterisation as an "abandoned" baby who wants everyone to have a home. She uses her powers one final time to bring Poppy back and decides to leave the TARDIS for good and raise her new daughter.

The episode ends with Ruby donning the Rani's cloak and leaving her baby self outside the church on Ruby Road to ensure the timeloop is maintained, changing Fifteen's memory by pointing at the Doctor just as we saw in Empire in order to keep that mystery intact as well.

Fifteen, touched by Ruby's decision, flies off in the TARDIS determined to find Susan. and also rescue Rogue from Superb Hell I guess #justiceforrogue

The end.

(To be clear I adore Belinda, the above was not written to write her out of the show - I think she deserved better in her own story, when clearly she was simply recycled from story beats taken from Ruby).

Some supporting evidence -

• Desiderium is the seventh child of a seventh child. Ruby Sunday's name alludes to both: rubies are the birthstone of July, the seventh month, and Sunday is the seventh day of the week.

• the Goblins in Church on Ruby Road fed on coincidences. Desiderium was born to the Zufall family. Zufall in German means "coincidence".

• The Rani talks about having to keep track of the Doctor's companions to make her plan to summon Omega work, but only actually references Ruby by making a slight about blonde girls. Belinda also has absolutely no impact on The Rani's plan whatsoever, to the extent she was locked in a box for the whole finale, so The Rani's interest in her feels utterly pointless. (Because it was).

• Strong themes of motherhood, childhood abandonment, and adoption paralleling what happened with the Doctor as per Timeless Child revelations throughout the series that make absolutely no sense for Belinda, who came from a home with both parents present. Ruby was always meant to complement Fifteen's recent discovery of his adopted status and help him work through it as he helped her work through hers.

• Space Babies also literally opens the show on a spaceship misinterpreting stories and making them real.

• The odd duplication of fashy boys Conrad and Alan - it makes more narrative sense if they were both once the same character who got sawed in half during hasty rewrites.

• Ruby's name being tied to sevens is similar to River Song, Melody Pond, and Amy Pond being related to water, hinting at their connection.

maybe I am wrong, maybe the show was always meant to be written this way but like. theorising. is also fun!

[imaginarylifetimes]

thank you for all these wonderful fics you're giving us! if you're still taking prompts, could you do 5 and 11 for bucktommy, with bottom tommy (and any kinks of your choice!)

"You’re more than just a one night stand."

"I didn’t know you were so sensitive."

(Oh no this one might be angsty for a bit. But then it's body worship, some praise kink, a little restraining, and sweat/pit kink. Cut because length.)

This time no one needs to pull Tommy over, Buck walks up to him while he's at the register getting coffee. It's the coffee shop, the one he avoided for months.

"Can you add a medium double shot Americano with room?" he asks, sliding over a twenty.

"Of course!" the barista says in a chirpy customer service voice, even though they're barely smiling. Buck does not miss bartending.

"Thanks," Tommy says softly, a little smile flitting across his face as they walk over to wait for their coffee. "I got that for here, though."

Buck shrugs, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I can go to a different table or--"

Tommy shakes his head, his own hands going into his hoodie. "No, I was just warning you. In case you had somewhere to be."

"No," he lies. He hasn't bought groceries in a few days, he still has a bookshelf to build, and he thinks his new desk chair might be waiting in the mail room of his building.

But Tommy's smiling at him.

They sit outside with their coffee, and Buck stirs in the turbinado sugar until it's dissolved, his spoon clinking gently against the sides of the cup. He doesn't remember the last time he got coffee at a shop in a real cup and resolves to do it more. It's nice to be out in the world, but maybe it has more to do with the company.

"How've you been?" Tommy asks.

"Honest answer or PR line?" Buck asks, and Tommy snorts softly.

"Give me both. I'm curious," he says, sipping his latte.

"Hm, well," he starts, leaning forward in his seat with his elbows on the table, "I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances, and I'm enjoying the challenge that each new day brings."

Tommy hesitates before taking another sip. "Okay, now do the PR line."

Buck laughs, and Tommy's eyes crinkle as he grins. "So I had to move--again--and I actually like my place. There's not a lot of walls, it's got a big kitchen. And my nephew is perfect, Maddie's actually doing okay, but I'm still worried about her all the time. Chimney's going to be captain. I revoked my transfer request, which I think I shouldn't have done, because I still feel like I'm not really there when I'm there. I miss Bobby so much that time doesn't really feel real anymore, and they already imposed lockdown flour restrictions on me at the Ralph's by my new place."

A hand reaches across and takes his, and Buck realizes Tommy's blurry and blinks away the tears stinging his eyes.

"So, all things considered: better than expected," Tommy says gently, and Buck laughs again.

He hasn't laughed this much without having to force it out in a while.

"So how are you doing?" he asks, not letting go of Tommy's hand. Tommy doesn't seem to be in a rush to take it back.

"Well," he says, thinking for a moment, "I started flying again a couple weeks ago. Though it's with the explicit instructions that I can't steal helicopters anymore. Planes, though, that's another story. Uh, my cousin broke out in hives so bad this year that I had to take in his cat for a month. So now I'm in the market for a cat. I finished landscaping my yards, so I've run out of renovations to do. I also have been banned from drinking on the Deluca premises until further notice because Gina says she can't keep dealing with the crying--from either of us. Sal's actually taking the loss worse than he'd lead anyone to believe, no matter what he says."

Buck squeezes his hand. "So, better than expected?"

"No, I'm a mess," Tommy says, squeezing his hand back.

"I'm sorry I didn't respond to you. I just--I was dealing--"

"You don't owe me your feelings, Evan, good or bad," Tommy says, his other hand scooping up Buck's so it's being sandwiched between his palms. "So don't worry about it."

Buck feels like a big chasm is standing between him and what he wants and what would make him happy, and Tommy is there on the other side. And maybe it's not as hard to get across as it feels like.

"I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want to bother you," he admits. "I-I just--I wanted to take care of everyone."

"You're part of 'everyone,'" Tommy points out gently. "And you don't bother me. I--maybe this is too much? But I'll take what I can get with you. Friendship might be an adjustment, but it's better than just sitting and wondering if you're okay. I was willing to be a one night stand--"

"You're more than just a one night stand, Tommy," he says, settling his hand on top of Tommy's. "I was willing to settle for that and pretend it didn't have to mean anything. But that night--I finally felt like I was home. And it had nothing to do with the furniture or the walls or anything. It was you."

Tommy's eyes are looking between Buck's, and he looks just as terrified as Buck feels. "So when you said--what you said, you weren't talking about me."

"No. I don't--maybe? I don't know. I was so pissed at the idea that you'd think I'd be in love with someone else, especially--" He cuts himself off and hunches his shoulders but doesn't pull his hands back. "Look, I know I got my second chance a long time ago, but maybe there's room in there for a third?"

"For most people? No," Tommy says, and Buck's heartbeat kicks up several beats per minute. "For you? Yeah. As long as you'll give me one."

Buck scrambles to sit in the chair perpendicular to Tommy's and scoots in until their knees are pressed together, and he immediately clasps Tommy's hands again. "I will give you everything. I'll do whatever it takes--"

He's cut off by a kiss, and Buck almost makes a really embarrassing noise. As it is, he's ready to climb into Tommy's lap and never leave.

"My new place is nearby," he says when he forces himself to pull away. "You wanna see it?"

Tommy grins, nudging their noses together. "Depends. You got the bed set up this time?"

"Find out," Buck murmurs before kissing him again.

His place is so close that he'd actually walked, though it had been about twenty minutes away. Tommy drives, compliments the building, and Buck pulls him inside and into the elevator. He knows there's a camera in the corner, doesn't care. They've probably seen worse than one guy slamming another one up against the wall and kissing him.

When they get to his floor, Buck lets them in and tries to make a quip about showing him around, but Tommy lifts him up and holds him against the wall next to his door, cutting him off with another kiss.

"Bedroom?" Tommy asks, and Buck gestures to the right. He holds on tight, and Tommy grins at him. "I got you, don't worry."

"I didn't have extra baking weight last time you did this," Buck says, because he'd finally explained the baking in the truck when Tommy has asked what the fuck the flour thing was about.

"No, you didn't," Tommy agrees, sitting him on the edge of the counter in his kitchen and grinning at him. "I like it."

Buck flushes. "Yeah?"

"God, yeah. All of it. You're perfect." Then he hitches Buck up more, holding him higher up than before. "Besides, what's the point of working out if I can't carry around a beautiful boy?"

He feels his face grow even hotter, and he kisses Tommy all the way to the bedroom. When he gets set down on the bed, he starts stripping off his clothes as Tommy does the same.

"Yeah, look at you," Tommy murmurs, squeezing the swell of his pec and climbing onto his lap. "Do you have any idea how much I want you?"

Buck looks down at where his cock is pressing against his belly and then back up at his face. "A little."

Tommy curls his hand under his jaw and kisses him, urging him onto his back. His other hand trails over Buck's chest and arms and belly and down the side of his hip as they kiss. Then his fingers thread between Buck's, and he lifts his hand up above their heads, pressing it against the mattress as he rolls their hips together.

Buck wants to flip them over and put his mouth all over Tommy, but he's enjoying this too much. He feels sexy and loved and worshipped, like he's Tommy's again.

"'M I yours again?" he asks.

"Always mine," Tommy says, his mouth against Buck's neck. "Always yours, always mine."

Then he keeps kissing along Buck's neck and clavicle, but instead of going to his chest, he veers off and sticks his face in Buck's armpit, which tickles and makes him jump a little.

"Didn't know you were so sensitive," Tommy teases.

"It's ticklish," Buck protests.

"Get used to it," Tommy says, nuzzling the edge of his armpit. "Because if you weren't wearing deodorant, I'd live in here right now."

Buck bites his lip, reflexively almost calls Tommy a weirdo, but it's sort of hot. He always liked burying his face in the crease of Tommy's groin or between his pecs, so it can't be that different.

"I can shower," he offers.

"After," Tommy says, kissing him and grinding against him. "Need to get you dirty first."

Buck looks down between them, can't see their cocks, but he can feel Tommy, all hard and thick and getting slick from sweat and their precum. And he's kind of liking this possessive thing they've got going on right now. He wants to be marked all over with Tommy's cum, wants to smell like him.

"What?" Tommy asks, nipping at his lip.

"C-can you hold me down and fuck my face?" he asks, licking his lips.

Tommy freezes and blinks at him. "I mean, that's a lot to ask a guy."

Buck slaps his ass. "Shut up and get up here."

Soon enough, his hands are pinned over his head and Tommy's cock is between his lips and going back and back until Buck has to tip his head back a little. Tommy shifts, keeps sliding in until he's pressing past the opening of Buck's throat.

"Good boy," Tommy grunts, and Buck feels himself leak precum. "Wiggle your fingers." Buck does as he's told and Tommy smiles at him. "Just do that if you need me to stop."

Buck waits until the head of his cock is between his lips to nod. "'Kay."

"Fuck, I missed you," Tommy sighs, and Buck wiggles his fingers a little. Tommy pulls back immediately and starts to let go, but Buck holds fast.

"J-just--I missed you, too," Buck says, smiling up at him. "Okay. Keep going."

Tommy laughs as he feeds his cock back in, and Buck loses himself in it for a long time until drool starts leaking out of the corners of his mouth and he feels like he's in a blissful state of pure calm.

"You want me to cum on your face?" Tommy asks, panting, and Buck hums. "Close your eyes, baby."

Buck does as he's told, even though he wants to see. But he's learned the hard way to not risk it and enjoys the feeling of cum pulsing over his mouth and cheeks. Some does land right below his eye, and Tommy's quick to wipe it away. When he's done, he lets go of Buck's hands and scoots back and down until he's sucking Buck's aching cock. He doesn't last long and barely gets a warning out before he's cumming over Tommy's tongue.

When Tommy comes back up, he licks Buck's face clean and kisses him, wrapping him up in his arms.

"I like this place," Tommy comments after several long beats of silence. "It's so bright."

Buck smiles, because one of the selling points other than the kitchen was the great amount of natural light that came in. "Yeah. You'll like the rest of it, too."

"Why'd you--"

"Later," Buck says, wanting to enjoy the peace. "When I make you cookies."

Tommy smiles, kissing his hair. "I get make up sex cookies?"

"You get 'I kept thinking about you this morning so I made dough that's chilling in the fridge' cookies," Buck corrects. "They're chocolate chip and salted caramel."

"Sounds perfect," Tommy says softly, curling a leg around him. "I was thinking about you this morning, too."

"Yeah?"

"It's why I went there. I hadn't gone since--I just wanted to feel like I was near you."

Buck squeezes around his waist and cuddles closer. "You're near me."

Tommy squeezes back with his entire body and sighs. "Yeah. You don't have to be anywhere for a while, right?"

"Just here," Buck says, smiling. "And the grocery store. Also the mail room. Want to help me put together a chair?"

"Sure," Tommy says, kissing his hair again. "Just tell me when you want me to get out of here."

Tommy ends up staying the rest of the three and a half days they're off. By the time they're splitting off for work, his bookcase and chair are put together, Tommy's eaten enough cookies to get heartburn twice, they have a date planned, and they've told each other how they feel.

He walks to his car, feeling something close to at peace for the first time in months, and smiles all the way to work.

[imaginarylifetimes]

They should invent a way to sit hunched over doing crafts that is Good for your body

[imaginarylifetimes]

Robbie slaps a glossy looking flyer on the table. Palm down, eyes narrowed, pretending like hell the slap of her hand against the wood grain didn't sting as she squares up, all four-feet-three-inches of her, like she's preparing for battle.

Tommy's slumped in his chair and still half a head taller than her.

He doesn't quite cower, at her glare, but at thirteen she's just about ready to explode at any given moment.

They don't talk about the time he sat on the floor with the bathroom door at his back and read the instructions for inserting a tampon in the calm, cool tones of a man so far out of his depth he might as well have turned into pressurized meat juice mist while Robbie had a panic attack just inside.

They don't talk about the massive argument they'd had in the middle of TJ's the first time Robbie back talked Evan with all the angst of a girl about to experience the pimpliest, testosterone fueled ragiest few years of her life. (Evan had gotten a kick out of it and Tommy had spent a week listening to his deep dives into the Beauty Of Puberty with the skepticism of an only child who never shared a bathroom).

Robbie rolls her jaw. Grabs the flyer and shakes it in Tommy's face. It's a riot of color, and Tommy has to squint to make out the words. Fuck, he does need those reading glasses.

"Why is the paper making you look homicidal?"

"We never go to Pride, dad!"

Ah.

Well.

That.

Tommy slumps further in his seat, which puts Robbie at eye level, and boy howdy is she gonna make his life a living hell until the hormones settle in...a decade or so. The glare is all Evan, emotions unchecked and just out there for the world to see. He's so fucking grateful neither of his kids took to his 'repress until you pancake yourself' way of handling a single emotion.

Tommy never bought into the rainbow crap, couldn't ever push himself into participating in a world he'd denied himself so long. Nothing against it, himself, just - a line he kept somewhere off behind and to the left where he couldn't look it in the eye.

And Evan...

Well. Being an 'ally' switched to throwing up the Bi Flag in his Instagram profile and he never really shifted any further than that.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" Tommy asks, because last week she'd spent an hour in the yard yanking weeds with the ferociousness of a terrier with a nest of rats over some kid in her class named Michael and to this point hasn't shown that her interests stray farther than that. Fuck. Has he missed something?

"Uh, yeah, that my gay dads are quiet homophobes who won't take their kids to a fuckin' parade."

Oh well that's a lot of different things to put in check, right there.

It's his own damn fault for laughing hysterically every time their toddler dropped an F bomb.

It's his own damn fault for blowing off the drag queens with petitions outside the library a month ago.

"Your father is a Kinsey two-and-a-half on a good day, and don't say fuck."

"Internalized homophobia is still homophobia, dad." She rolls her tongue over her teeth. Sends him a challenging look. "Fuck." She pronounces it like it has seven syllables.

"If you're gonna challenge me you better be able to use it in a sentence properly."

"I want to fucking go to fucking Pride with my fucked up not straight dads but they're both fucking repressed fucking losers."

"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" Tommy jokes, and the flyer crumples in his daughters fist. And - yep, there's the shriek.

Evan's gonna be pissed that he isn't curbing the language a little more.

Which he absolutely will do. Later. Once Robbie isn't a good leap away from the knife block.

His kids aren't violent people, by nature. Robbie has a mean left hook and an eye for taking people out at the ankles he encouraged far too much before she hit ten. Danny cradles spiders in the cup of his hands on the way out the door while giving Tommy a wide-eyed and judgemental berth.

Robbie crumples up the flyer a little more. Stares at him like she's wishing there was enough weight to it to cause damage to his thick fucking skull if she were to throw it.

She blinks, and those are - yep, those are tears.

"Sweetheart," Tommy starts, and Robbie launches herself forward, embraces Tommy just in time for some sobs to really kick in, nonsensical phrases leaking out of her as she cries, and cries, and cries.

He's good at this part. The part where they can't see his face, where he can cradle them to him and rub their back and murmur nonsense back while they do a better job feeling, and then regulating their emotions than he had until his late thirties.

"Ms. Frankie said she'd take me but I don't wanna go with Ms. Frankie," he gets, as another wave breaks, and he has to shift his weight against the onslaught of two sharp ass knees heading straight for his belly. "Ms. Frankie has a crush on Dad and I hate her."

Ms. Frankie absolutely has the hots for Evan. Ms. Frankie's son is a bully who thinks he's better than everyone else by virtue of accepting and picking on everyone equal-opportunity style.

Ms. Frankie is definitely not taking his kid to her first Pride.

Shit.

God damnit.

The tears dry up, eventually.

Tommy tries not to think about the fact that he's not gonna be allowed to comfort his pre-teen like this for much longer. Tries not to think about the fact that she's gonna stop asking for it, soon enough, and he'll have to make do with words from the other side of a slammed door.

"I'm not wearing rainbow anything," he says, like he's surrendering a crucial air base, and Robbie leans back with narrowed eyes.

"I have that face paint Jee gave me for Christmas."

"You get one cheek to work with," he negotiates, even though he's well aware he's gonna leave the house with more color than he's worn in twenty-five years.

"Dad let me do his whole face for New Years," she wheedles.

"Dad has better coloring than I do. Those jewel tones make his eyes pop. And Dad doesn't have to know how many times you dropped an F-bomb on me ten minutes ago."

He's fucking up his kids. Teaching an almost teenager how to properly blackmail someone is just one of many ways he's doing it while he digs his own grave.

At least they're not fucking scared of him.

"Two cheeks, and we post a picture on Dad's Insta because Ms. Frankie stalks him there and she'll be so jealous."

"You're diabolical," Tommy tells her, and her wet, snotty, lopsided grin makes something in his heart swoop. She's all Evan, and he loves her so fucking much he stopped trying to figure out where to put it the first time she latched a tiny little hand around his pointer finger and burst into the exhausted tears of something new to this world. "If you ever teach Danny how to manipulate someone like this I'm gonna start reporting you for war crimes."

"Danny's too nice, it would hurt his feelings to even think about it."

Yeah. Not sure where the fuck he got that from.

"You watch out for him, don't you?"

He's aware there's a dynamic at play here that he shouldn't overly encourage. Doesn't want her feeling like she's gotta parent her younger brother, it's just -

"He doesn't need it. Sometimes when he says nice things to people I think he destroys their whole world for a few days."

Tommy takes her out for ice cream and broaches the subject of the parade before Evan realizes Tommy's spoiled her dinner.

Danny's eyes go bright and gleaming and he sends a look at his sister that Tommy is absolutely certain he should be worried about, because they've clearly been plotting and scheming for days.

When June sixth rolls around Danny wakes up early, pounces on the bed, and hands Tommy the ugliest fucking shirt Tommy's ever seen, bright and lurid and awful, and Robbie doesn't even have the decency to hide her smug look when she stumbles blearily into the kitchen, following the smell of scrambled eggs Tommy spends an extra ten minutes dyeing with the organic shit Evan brought home last week.