imgonnabehappyagain - Tumblr blog

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It truly is a lie!! almost everything tastes better than skinny feels, I promise

My friend, you would not tell with such high zest To children ardent for some desperate beauty, The old Lie: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

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My friend, you would not tell with such high zest To children ardent for some desperate beauty, The old Lie: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

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Caroline Bynum, excerpt from Fragmentation and Redemption: Essays on Gender and the Human Body in Medieval Religion

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Things that did wonders for my mental health:

having enough sleep and a fixed sleeping and waking time ( at least on the weekdays)

starting my day with gratitude (things to be grateful for: being alive, having a body, a mind, a soul, health, family, friends, food and water, safety, a roof over your head, your education, your job, your free time... seriously there is so much to be grateful for) and praying for my family’s wellbeing

any type of movement - it can be as light or as intense as you’d like it to be: stretch in bed, hop on your yoga mat, go for a walk, go to the gym...

showering = instant rebirth

diligently doing your skincare routine

nourishing your body. no counting calories/ no restricting. feeding your body all the nutrients it needs to function

making a to-do list in the morning

journaling at night

reading before bed

doing a monthly habit tracker

having enough time to get ready in the morning and not rushing

checking in with your loved ones weekly

listening to podcasts - especially motivational and uplifting ones

learning something new everyday - never underestimate the power of those 4- 8 minutes educational videos on youtube

doing yoga

allowing myself to make mistakes

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20/1-2022

I realised I have gained a kg and panicked, so I’ve been kind of in a relapse. Even though I haven’t been eating well, I’ve at least tried to make my online experience less triggering, and have unfollowed a bunch of ana-accounts on tumblr. I’ve also joined a pro-recovery Reddit group which works wonders in calming me down when I eat something “unhealthy”. I finally gave in to peer-pressure and downloaded TikTok, and it’s so hard to keep it non-triggering. I like fashion a lot, but every fashion-video seems to lead down a pipeline of thinspo on that app. Anyways, I’m doing okay. Not too well, and not too bad.

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10/1-2022

I’m still alive! Don’t worry. These past few days have just been really busy. I’ve gained a little bit of weight, and that makes me both relieved and mortified. Today and yesterday I’ve eaten really weirdly, I haven’t been able to keep track of my meals and just grabbed something to eat every time I’ve had a break, so I don’t even know if I’ve eaten more or less than I want to. I’m trying to stop myself from assigning some moral value to food. I stopped myself after eating two small cookies yesterday because it felt so wrong. It’s been a long time since I’ve eaten this much sugar. Tomorrow I want to eat normally, even though I feel bloated today. What I ate today shouldn’t affect what I eat tomorrow.

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5/1-2022

I’ve had a pretty bad day today, been feeling kinda depressed. I’ve just been staying in my room, watching YouTube videos and not talking to a single soul. I feel lonely. I feel unloveable. I wish I could let go of myself and transform into another person, a person who isn’t stuck in her own head. Maybe I’ll never find someone to love who loves me back. Maybe I’ll just go die alone.

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To anyone who needs the reminder today, coffee ≠ breakfast. Your body needs fuel in the morning and you don't need to feel guilty for feeding yourself.

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maybe you don’t like yourself or trust yourself at this very moment. maybe you’ve been struggling a lot with being compassionate and gentle towards yourself, and that’s understandable. you may not feel positive towards yourself right now, but i’m asking you to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend. it can help you remain more objective and realistic in your recovery goals, especially if you have the tendency to be extra harsh on you, but not on your loved ones. so please remember, when things get too rough.. is this the way you’d treat or talk to to a friend? you deserve your own friendship too, love.

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4/1-2022

Started taking vitamins that are supposed to be good for the heart. I don’t know if it’s their doing, but I wasn’t in as much pain yesterday. I skipped breakfast today, but yesterday I actually ate very well. I had all three meals, and I even cooked dinner for my sister and her boyfriend. Right now I’m feeling kind of heavy and bloated, but I’m trying not to think about it too much and focus on schoolwork instead. It’s so hard to get through this, especially on my own. But maybe I would feel even worse if I had the pressure of my parents watching over me as well. Still, I’ve always considered myself a survivor to the core. I’m going to get through this, I’m going to be healthy again. I’m trying to remember all the positive things that can come with recovery. I won’t feel cold all the time. I won’t spend all my money on zero sugar sweets and energy drinks. I won’t feel so guilty all the time. I won’t feel so weak and tired. I won’t feel this pain in my chest all the time. I won’t avoid my friends anymore, I won’t isolate myself. I’m gonna be happy again.

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Antigone/anorexia

“I’m a strange new kind of inbetween thing aren’t I, not at home with the dead nor with the living” ― Anne Carson, Antigonick

I was thinking about what it’s like to be in the early stages of recovery and suddenly remembered this quote from Anne Carsons loose translation of the play Antigone. Everything clicked when I read this sentence again today, and it feels like I finally understand Antigone as a character for real, in a way I haven’t before. She is a paradox. She wants to live and marry Haemon, but she also almost forces Creon to sentence her to death. She doesn’t belong with the living, she can’t ever walk among them again, but she isn’t dead. Antigone is still breathing and talking when she’s locked inside her tomb. I also have these opposite forces inside of me. More than anything I want to live a long happy life, but I also can’t help staring into the abyss. I don’t want to die, but I’m dying. I need to eat but I want to starve. My writing teacher once said that the thing that creates conflict in a scene is when two forces that can’t coexist collide. A conflict can never be a force that hits a wall, because there is no way around that, there’s no dynamic. Both me and Antigone have this great conflict within us, and why we appear so fragmented is that both forces are really strong. The will to both live and die can’t coexist. I can’t recover and also get thinner. I need to make up my mind. 

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You deserve to live, you deserve love, you deserve food and drinks, you deserve to rest, you deserve to have fun, you deserve safety and security, you deserve to be yourself and feel comfortable.

All the good things that you deserve will find their way back to you eventually.

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Your body will take care of you. You don't need to "make up for" or "earn" food. You don't need to burn it off, you don't need to restrict or exercise to be allowed to have it.

You deserve to eat. You can eat. You need to eat.

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2/1-2022

I didn’t weigh myself today, which is kinda weird for me. For like a year I’ve been constantly aware of my weight, and often used the scale a couple of times every day. It’s not all progress though, I think I’m just scared of seeing how much I’ve gained. Today I’ve also not been doing very well with my meals. I ate a lot yesterday so my mind is telling me to not eat at all. I skipped lunch but actually had breakfast, and now I’m eating an afternoon snack. I still feel the pain in my chest, and it usually comes right after a meal. Still, I have really high hopes that I’ll get through this. I really want to feel good about myself again, and not overthink everything. My body isn’t something to be looked at and scrutinized, but rather a complex machinery that needs its fuel. I like seeing myself in that way, as a complicated construction that I have to take care of and keep running.

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i know it’s hard to believe, but there will come a time when you will be grateful for your life and (especially!!!!) thankful for your existence, instead of terrified and tired about it.

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Why You Must Eat

It’s fuel

It doesn’t make you fat

You don’t want an eating disorder

It will make you happy :))

It will keep your metabolism working

It is NOT the enemy, your ED is

It will keep your energy up

It will help you think better

It will regulate your emotions

You’ll be more confident :))

Because you don’t need to deserve food

To fight your ED

Because you’re beautiful

To not fear food

To be able to eat out with you friends and not panic

Because you’re strong

It keeps you alive

Because your weight is not important

You’ll smile more :))

Because your health MATTER!!

Because life is awesome

Because food tastes good

Because gum is not enough

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1/1-2022

I’m actually feeling pretty hyped about recovery! I haven’t looked at my body today and I kinda don’t want to. I’m imagining coming back to school and having lunch with my classmates without worrying, and without trying to sneak away. I’m hyped about actually being myself and not this weird and dull version of me. I want to think clearly again, and be funny again. I’m still trying to take things slow in order to not overwhelm my body, but it’s hard to finally want to eat again but having to be careful. These last few days I’ve been having some chest-pain. It’s not unbearable but it’s worrying anyway. I hope it will go away when I’ve gained some more weight, but if I still feel it in in a week or so I think I’ll reach out to a doctor.