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imjustyouraveragenoone · 5 years

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i’m literally falling the fuck apart and i’m so scared because i know you aren’t going to be there to catch me.

you aren’t allowed to make me feel like this. a piece of shit like you, regardless of whether that story is true true or not, who has countless experience breaking hearts and is still shamelessly continuing ur pursuit to fuck every girl in the population of cary. you are not allowed to do it. you are not allowed to sit across from me with your honey eyes that literally unhinge me to the point of insanity. like i’m so incapable of saying no to you, even when i make the right choice and stay away from you, within seconds i undo the good choice i made and before i know it i’m running back trying to get my fix of the drug you give me. fuck, i don’t even have words. i don’t. you are something else. everything fades away, i’m flying, nothing can hurt me. talking to you, laughing with you, ur warmth, ur charisma, ur charm, ur humor and the tired way you eye me, like you are thinking of a thousand things, but dont have the energy to voice a single one, it feels like home. its the only home i know. the only time in my life ive felt love that was unconditional, maybe i idealize it, but its a lot better than i what i get at home. i don’t know how else to say it, i’m know im hyping you up, making you seem like this perfect human that you are so clearly not. but i don’t know how else to say it. the subtle way you smile when ur about to make fun of me, but decide not to, or rest your leg on me, both of us pretending not to notice but also leaning into the warmth at the same time, the way your eyes only watch mine when im talking to a group of people, those lips of yours that changed my life. whether you deserve it or not, i am helplessly devoted to you. and i don’t know how else to let go of you.

its turned me half sane and half insane, which is a combination that is somehow more deadly than fully one way or the other. i do something stupid, like kiss you or start to open up to you. and then my sane brain freaks out and tries to undo it, forcing myself to retreat back into my shell, trying to just avoid the stupid consequences of my insane actions. and then when i retreat into my shell, i start to feel the familiar longing and craving so i pull myself back out, telling myself im mature enough to talk to you without thinking of all the different ways you could be loving me right now, and i make another stupid choice. and fall harder. and then im back to my shell, avoiding and ignoring you, trying to keep the walls up around my heart because its been you leaving me three times now, and each time hurt more than the last. and this time, i tell myself, i wont let myself get hurt. and so i try to protect myself in the craziest of ways, ways that backfire and only end in me pushing you away so successfully that you do leave. and im left sucking on the bitter aftertaste, somehow missing you more now that you are gone then when i had the small, heartbreaking piece of you.

i’m not that different from any of ur exes. i try to separate myself from them, but i’m just the same, pushing and pulling you in and out of my life so that i can tell myself that you left because i made you, not because you wanted something more than what i could give you.

quite frankly, loving you has been the most beautiful regret of my life. i dont think there will ever, ever, ever be a day, even years from now, where i will be able to say no to you. and i hope that fucking scares you as much as it scares me.

sixteen years or not, falling in love is a dangerous game.

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 5 years

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why u sucked

since my mind keeps replaying all the reasons u were perfect, here are the reasons u were fucking far from it.

1. ur ex drama. u dumped me for ur ex, then u realized that she was not right for u so u hit me up again. u got jealous that ur best friend was hitting me up and made sure to put an end to that really fast by making moves on me while u were still w ur ex. then u talked to me for a good period to follow thru on ur own ego problems and then proceeded to hook up w ur ex. who the actual fuck does this. stick to ONE u absolute manwhore. if u were so in love with ur ex why would u flirt with me while u guys were together, if u were so in love with me why would u hook up with her while we were talking. u literally just dont care about anyone but ur motherfucking self and it took me way too long to realize it, it took me my literal parents having to split us up for me to see the damage u did.

2. u never made any effort to come see me. everything was on ur schedule, if u didnt want to hang out with me, u would go off. if u were horny, u would stay on. no explanations needed. if u felt like opening up, u would. otherwise, just pictures of ur eyebrow. i was constantly the one running around in circles trying to make this work. i decided to come see u in the morning, i would be the one who would come stand by ur friends at the end of the day, u never would fucking ask me to. unless, of course, it was whether u could come over to fuck. then, you would ask without any hesitation and beg and plead and do everything in ur power to make it work. don’t think i ever saw that effort in any other aspect of our relationship, hmmmmmm. no sentimental gifts or cute texts. u literally did the bare minimum and for some fucking reason i idealized u for it. mostly because i thought that most girls wouldnt even be lucky enough to get the bare minimum from u, and im prolly right. like u fucked me up SO BAD that one day u were telling me abt some girl u ghosted and my fUCKED UP MIND ACTUALLY WENT “WOW I MUST BE SPECIAL SINCE HE NEVER GHOSTED ME. MUST MEAN THAT HE ACTUALLY LOVES ME.” TF??????????????????????? mental issues.

3. u literally sent me essays about not trusting me and all this shit that made me think that u were breaking up with me the DAY of my sat and then claimed u forgot i had to take it that day. i woke up in such a panic thinking that u were trying to dump me the day of the most important test of my literal life. why the fuck would anyone do that. why. i knew every date of ur physics tests, i knew what was going on in ur life, even finding out things from ur sister because i wanted to know. u just didnt even care at all. like ik u prolly actually did forget but if i was even important to u u would not of ever forgot in the first place.

4. the constant dumping. dude, if ur just gonna constantly pull that shit for u to fulfill some insecurity in ur head and make u feel like u have the power in the relationship, u need help. im sorry that all ur exes were downright obsessed with u and u never had to wonder if u were the one who cared less in the relationship, but just because i didnt do that doesnt mean that u can just keep tryna dump me to affirm ur power struggles.

5. blaming ur own shortcomings on ur broken past. i dont doubt it, but letting ur past define u is not taking u anywhere and ur just gonna end up stuck in ur own cycle of not dealing with ur problems.

6. the literal lack of any kind of ambition, drive and hard work ethic. u work hard to appear cool, to get girls, to get drugs, to do all this unnecessary shit, why u cant put that effort into simple homework assignments so ur not FAILING a class, i will never know.

7. u had every right to get mad at me for being friends with ishan or whatever but i dont fucking think i have ever called u out for being best friends with every single ex u have ever had in fact i trust u so much i dont care that u spend literally 90% of ur time with at least one girl that u have had history with whether its roopa, khushi, and many more that i havent heard abt yet.

8. u hooked up w roopa. bruh. thats just disgusting and u know it.

9. u always came for ME about hearing things from other ppl abt what i was up to. UM. UM??????? do u KNOW the shit i heard about u but didnt even confront u because i trusted u THAT much. lmaoooooo looking back u were a fucking clown for even bringing up that argument. sure, i was far from perfect and i made some questionable choices, but bruh so did YOU.

10. u rlly tried to hit it without a condom. are u fucking retarded. imagine if i got pregnant. forget my parents literally kicking me out. imagine the atrocity of my kids having YOU as a father. nightmare shit..

11. u were so fucking emotionally distant that i literally took every small BARE MINIMUM nice thing u did and fucking RAN with it. looking back its so clear that u rlly didnt do anything special, u didnt say anything special, u did not do anything to prove u loved me. all u were good at was empty words to string me on because we both know that saying shit takes no effort and ur all about that no effort lifestyle. like now that im thinking about it..... what have u done for me? what have u done? said i love you, texted me a shit ton when u were horny, said a bunch of future shit and made me laugh. wow u fulfilled the basic requirements of a relationship, and since u have a nice little reputation for being an asshole, i took that as a WOW HE MUST RLLY LOVE ME. thats actually so sad that i lowered my standards THAT much just so that i could be with u.

12. u made me cry and feel so low for so much of the relationship and i rlly dont understand why i thought we were so perfect. the lows we had were downright unacceptable and u never were able to truly put ur pride aside to tell me how u felt about me besides when we were fighting or u felt like u were losing me and thats how i know that the love we had mightve been genuine or whatever, but its not the love i deserve.

7 months wasted, lowkey grateful my parents pulled me outta that shit bc i never would have had the mental strength to do it and we prolly woudlve ended up breaking up in like a few months bc u hooked up w some unc charlotte hoe or something. yikes. what u have been up to post-relationship is neither my business nor something i have a right to be upset about so im not gonna go off on u for that because i rlly dont have the mental space to care abt what ur up to now.

my next lover better be someone who isnt fucking scared to show that they care about me, someone that respects me, someone that isnt selfish and obsessed with using girls to fill their own shortcomings. love shouldnt be a constant power struggle and i should never have to wonder whats going on in ur life. ur supposed to KNOW what ur boyfriend is up to. its part of a relationship. so fuck u for making me drop my standards to such comical levels.

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 5 years

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ur mom is always right

when ur mom said “ur too young to be dating”, u roll ur eyes and snap that cute guy back anyways. disobeying her every warning because how can someone so fucking cute ever be a “distraction” or a “problem”? old fashioned, that’s what ur mom is, u tell urself. maybe, she is, but maybe, just maybe, she’s right.

16 is too young to lose all trust in the opposite sex, 16 is too young to give ur whole body, a body that ur mom spent 9 months developing and many more feeding and nurturing, to give to a guy who will move on the day after you break up, 16 is too fucking young to sob so hard you can’t breathe on the floor of the shower because u never think you’ll be ok again.

when ur young, nothing seems bounded by time. everything is infinite, infinite pleasure, infinite joy. but also infinite heartbreak and infinite sorrow. u don’t even know who u want to be when u grow up, u don’t even know what kind of person u are. so why do we think we will be able to find who we want to spend the rest of our lives with?

we can’t even deal with the pain and stress of school, why do we think we can deal with the pain and stress of sharing ur life with a whole other person. especially, when the people u share it with could care less.

teenagers are just addicts, every teen is addicted to something. sex, drugs, alcohol, risk-taking, getting in trouble, social media, grades. it’s the age of addiction.

so when a boy shows a pattern, a pattern for not being able to succumb his addiction and commit to something, why do us girls think we will be able to cure his addiction?

reality check: u can’t fix someone. he might be the sweetest soul, might say the nicest things, might give u all the attention u ever needed and more, might make u higher than any drug ever could,

but be scared of those boys, those boys that fill u up with so much love u lose touch with the world,

because the moments of heaven u had,

will they be worth it when the crash to hell burns ur every hope and good moment away?

16 is too young to lose faith in love.

16 is just too young.

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 7 years

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this saved me.

its kinda scary how your whole life depends on how well you do as a teenager

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 7 years

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im so fucking sad rn.... he can’t be leaving

Me: *continues to call Obama ‘President Obama’ for the next four years*

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 7 years

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realizing things

not to be kylie jenner but like, i just realized something. so i’m sure everyone has a goal for what they want their body to look like if you could just change your body in a snap of the finger. lol flat stomach and nice ass come to me! but most body goals are shaped by what’s “in”. i was watching Friends and Rachel and Monica were glad that a girl they hated got fat and gained it mostly in her ass. like they were happy because it was undesirable to have a big butt in that time period (which was def not too far ago) and that’s when I realized just how temporary beauty standards are. idk about you but every girl i know is bending over her back to try to get that big butt, me included. i personally want to build leg muscle because my legs are just so scrawny and not like toned. i just want those defined quads, you know what i mean?

idk if you remember but thigh gaps used to be a HUGE trend a couple of years back. i’m sure they still are, but to have a big butt, you usually need thick thighs (unless ur a kardashian lol) and so that trend slowly faded away. but i remember my chubby self in fifth grade, with all that baby weight, being OBSESSED with thigh gaps and really, really, really wanting one. i was (and still am) a lazy ass hoe so of course i didn’t actually try to get one, but if back then i could change my body in a snap of the finger, i would def have a thigh gap. and now, i do. and it’s not great at all. it’s not like WOAH WHAT A THIGH GAP, but if my knees touch, there’s a significant gap between my thighs, and i’m still unhappy with my body. so i guess i’ve learned that the things you think ur going to be really happy when you have don’t actually make you happy at all. if ur not happy with what you have right now, ur never going to be happy. so yeah, it’s totally fine to want to improve your body, but never stop loving your body through the process because if you don’t love ur body now, ur never going to love it.

#body positive #love yourself

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 7 years

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day 6 + day 7

day 6// five ways to win your heart.

um i dont know if this is just like platonic or romantic but i’ll do romantic

1. smell nice

2. be hot (abs, jawlineee, tall, cute smile, idk its not all about looks but just be adorable)

3. cuddle with me, watch my favorite movies with me, spoil me, but also let me be independent, and idk how to explain this but like i don’t want to have a shallow relationship, something more than just “oh this is my new chick”,

4. commitment/loyalty/trust (aka dont be a fuckboy...god damn is this such a hard concept)

5. make me laugh and smile (its the little things)

day 7// list 10 songs you’re loving right now

1. this town - niall horan (so cute omg!!)

2. i don’t want to live forever - zayn (papiiiii) and taylor (mamiiiii)

3. famous - kanye west

4. power trip - j cole

5. this is what makes us girls - lana del rey (im falling back into my obsession w/ her and omg this song makes my life sound so boring tf)

6. chill bill - bunch of rappers

7. baby it’s cold outside - whoever sang it lolz (duh christmas music and this song is like my fav christmas song besides....

8. all i want for christmas is you !!!!!! - mariah carey who else

9. father stretch my hands pt. 1 - yeezus

10. idfc - blackbear (its kinda like idk how to explain it, i just like it...)

#music #single

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 7 years

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whoops lol

so i missed like 3 or four days but im gonna combine them all lol.

day 2// write something that someone told you about yourself that you never forgot

I mean there isn’t exactly one specific example but anytime someone says I’m nice or ya know good things like that, I tend to remember :)

day 3// what are your top 3 pet peeves?

1. messy eating (chewing loudly, food spilling out of ur mouth, burping super loudly, eating with your mouth open, anything of that sort) funny backstory, i slept over with this girl who used to be in my neighborhood and for breakfast she was being so nasty that i literally left her house, i was just like oh i got to leave, bye! *gags*

2. invasion of privacy (when people take my things without asking, like my phone or something and other things that i want to keep private being shared)

3. this one is oddly specific but like the distinct smell of bananas, cantelope and like when you come in from outside and there’s this distinct gross smell? idk all those scents really bother me

day 4// write about someone who inspires you

my older cousin is like a family icon. she’s pretty, smart, athletic, driven, liked by all the elders but also popular in her own age group, she got into a good college, she’s like super responsible (like people say that she’s genuinely the mom of the family bc she takes care of everyone) and idk she just has her life totally together and im just here like whhaaat. ive never heard anyone ANYONE say a single bad thing about her. and on my dads side shes the oldest and she fit the expectations perfectly whereas im over here as the oldest on my moms side and im going further and further away from the expectations placed on me :/

day 5// five places i want to visit

1. paris bc like basic bitch over here duhh

2. new york!

3. LA!!! omg ive been but i was like 3

4. spain

5. the UK

k sorry that was so long :))

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 7 years

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day 1// 10 things that make me happy :)

1. My friends/ My family

2. Getting good grades duh

3. My music

4. When other people compliment my makeup, hair, outfit or something I worked really hard on and IM JUST SO HAPPY

5. Reading and watching the whole Harry Potter shebang (especially my babes Draco and Newt!)

6. Netflix

7. Quotes that explain feelings that you thought only you felt

8. The holiday season

9. Giving/Receiving Gifts

10. Hot showers after a long day

#happy

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 7 years

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bc i’ve been neglecting tumblr and i miss it.

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 7 years

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rant time!!

bc i had a bad day and here’s why

1. so im sure everyone is tired of hearing about this poor excuse of an election but im pissed about the result. sometimes i momentarily forget that we just elected donald trump as our president. but we did. and by doing this we let hate, sexism, racism and white supremacy win. score for america!! honestly i think this issue deserves a whole other post so maybe ill make one later.

2. like 3 kids i talked to about our disgusting president decided to ask my why i wasn't the biggest fan of trump. i personally hate talking about politics with people at school because i don’t want that to impact our relationship but i found myself very frustrated when 2 trump supporters told me that trump wasn’t racist or sexist....

.........ummmmm. i explained that he was literALLY ENDORSED BY THE KKK!! and that he literALLY BRAGGED ABOUT SEXUALLY ASSAULTING WOMAN AND THEN EXCUSED THAT AS “LOCKER ROOM TALK”!! and they just stared at me with blank faces. and one of the supporters is actually a good friend and she had the nerve to say that she didn't think the whole sexual assault thing was sexist and besides “it happened a while ago”

so imma let you ponder that one while I move on

3. ok so you know that i have an issue with my clingy “math friend”? maybe it was the high stress due to our country’s funeral or something but she totally drove me over the edge today. she always, ALWAYS, just randomly takes my phone while I am in the middle of looking at something on instagram or snapchat. HOW FUCKING ANNOYING IS THAT?!! like please stop taking my things when I am using them!! usually its just my phone but today she walked over to my desk and i was writing down the homework into my planner. right when i stopped writing to get something from my backpack, she grabbed my pen and agenda and headed to her desk across the room. i told her to give it back but she gripped onto it tightly, refusing to give me MY FUCKING AGENDA BACK. its not that she wrote all over it or anything. its just that she thought it was ok to do something like that without even asking me. ugh and she’s so immature and whiney. like she whines when i try to get my phone back!! she’s like “WAIT ITS NOT FAIR LET ME SEE!” like wtf are u...2 years old? and its clear that she’s really spoiled bc she gets everything she wants. on top of that she hardcore stalkes her crush who has no idea she even exists. i mean shes so weird about it too like she steals her friends soccer sweater and wears it around him just to “impress” him even though a) he probably doesnt notice her tbh and b) she doesnt even fucking play soccer!!!

ok sorry i feel like a bad person

moving on....

4. my math teacher had her baby and its been like a week that we’ve had a sub. the worst part is, our long term sub is randomly absent so we’ve had a diferent sub every single day for the past few days. i probably should try to understand what’s going on by watching the videos but i dont really have time when im at home to do that (ok i do but i dont wannnaaa #procastination lmao) so i try to watch it in math class and get shit done. but we all know my wonderful friend will NOT let me do that!! she forces me to come sit next to her. and there’s like this comfy chair i have to drag all the way there bc all the seats are taken but im not allowed to even sit on that chair... she sits on it while i sit in her normal seat. like how fucked up is that!! and then she makes me watch alex aiono vids with her. and i mean hes great. but i also want an a in math ya feel? anyways i dont understand whats going on and i hate that class and i took such a big L on that quiz today and im going to fail so yay!!

on the bright side, my moms been really surprisingly supportive! like not that she isnt normally supportive but ive kind of been a bitch to her these past few days and normally she’d get kind of pissed but she’s been really nice and understanding. and today i missed my bus bc i was up late last night watching the stupid election and normally she yells at me but today she made my lunch, packed my backpack and she just took me to school without a lecture. and i was kinda bummed throughout the day and she knew that so she sent me a really cute picture of my baby cousin to cheer my up and yay i love her!

damn this was long.

how was ur day reader??

#fml

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 8 years

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very true!!thanks for sticking with me even tho i can be a lowkey bitch sometimes! i know that deep down i never mean to hurt others, and i’m sure most ppl are that way :)

am i a bad person?

am i a bad person if i sometimes would rather watch netflix or go on my phone than interact with people who wholeheartedly care about me?

am i a bad person if i preach girl love and roll my eyes at girls who cause drama but gossip like it’s my second job?

am i a bad person if i can see that a person is trying hard to have a conversation with me on snapchat or go to a game with me but i respond in one word answers and make myself seem unavailable or uninterested simply because i don’t like them that much?

am i a bad person if i struggle to show my affection and say the words “i love you” to some family members but say and show my love freely and endlessly to my friends?

am i a bad person if know that some people are trying to help me, but they’re doing it in a negative way so i ignore the fact that their intentions are good and distance myself from them?

am i a bad person if i doubt everything i do and usually talk myself out of things that would help others?

am i a bad person if i don’t fix the problems i find within myself?

am i a bad person if i don’t want to share some things but expect other people to do so with me?

am i a bad person if i know my parents have a point but i don’t listen to them to show that i don’t need to take their advice?

am i a bad person if i can’t wait till i move out of my house or i can finally drive and not be at home all the time?

am i a bad person if i ridicule others for certain activities but if i grew up in their community/family i would probably do the same (dating at a young age, acting hoe-y, etc.)

am i a bad person?

please don’t tell me i’m a bad person.

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 8 years

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@theconfessionsofanambivert :) kind of a relief tbh bc i pride myself on being a "nice person" but idk abt that anymore