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Hahhhhhhhhhhh lol no

The latest admission I think resulted in an eupd diagnosis (not that anyone will really tell me) which is still not accurate (coming from me, my mum, my dad, my primary nurse, and an ot I did a lot of work with) but fuckkkkkkk that shit it's just their way of absolving themselves of responsibility for everything and refusing help. I mean I don't care about that bit, I do not want anything to do with mental health services, but it shows up on all records so anything physical and all that shit, and it's got so much stigma attached both by society and doctors+other medical professions that it just fucks with everything

I'm scared I'm going to end up with a PD diagnosis

The doctor brought up eupd (not to me, I overheard and then got it explained kind of but not by the doctor) and I'm scared but also I looked at the diagnosis criteria and I don't meet it and also apparently the doctor said it doesn't tend to get diagnosed as well as autism and I have a diagnosis of that and it explains things a lot better because sensory stuff and special interests and all of that jazz but oh help why did this have to happen on a Friday in a&e when I now can't speak to a doctor about it until Monday and why is this all 1 sentence

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Vodka and cigarettes is how to successfully start the morning, right?

I'm pretty chill now so I think it might be.

I mean I'm not looking forward to the vodka wearing off because I haven't got any more, but eh, I'll deal with that when it happens.

I'm not doing good atm. Lots of self harm+suicidal thoughts. I haven't self harmed but I'm indulging the suicidal thoughts because I have no idea what to do with my life of I can't go back to college.

Realistically, I die. I have control of my meds for the first time ever here, and I've been saving up one of them for a couple of weeks already. I'm stopping the rest on Monday. Even if the college say yes, the chances of getting funding are basically nil. Not actually zero, but almost. And if funding say no, I'm fucked.

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I used to be scared of abandonment. Then what felt like abandonment at the time kind of happened, it was way less bad than I thought, and now I'm not scared of it any more. I don't really know why I'm putting this here, I haven't posted on here for ages, but I guess it's where I talked about it before.

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Meds

I'm on an antipsychotic not for psychosis, an antidepressant that no one thinks will help my mood and is basically just to knock me out, a sleeping thing that's not licensed for my age and doesn't seem to do anything useful, a benzo PRN, and a mega multivitamin because apparently I need that. Yay

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Apparently it's officially in my notes written by my psychiatrist that I don't have eupd. The HCA who said it shouldn't have done. Relieved but highly frustrated.

I'm scared I'm going to end up with a PD diagnosis

The doctor brought up eupd (not to me, I overheard and then got it explained kind of but not by the doctor) and I'm scared but also I looked at the diagnosis criteria and I don't meet it and also apparently the doctor said it doesn't tend to get diagnosed as well as autism and I have a diagnosis of that and it explains things a lot better because sensory stuff and special interests and all of that jazz but oh help why did this have to happen on a Friday in a&e when I now can't speak to a doctor about it until Monday and why is this all 1 sentence

[imkeepingtrack]

I'm scared I'm going to end up with a PD diagnosis

The doctor brought up eupd (not to me, I overheard and then got it explained kind of but not by the doctor) and I'm scared but also I looked at the diagnosis criteria and I don't meet it and also apparently the doctor said it doesn't tend to get diagnosed as well as autism and I have a diagnosis of that and it explains things a lot better because sensory stuff and special interests and all of that jazz but oh help why did this have to happen on a Friday in a&e when I now can't speak to a doctor about it until Monday and why is this all 1 sentence

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I told one of the OTs about a detailed suicide plan for when I get unescorted leave

(Because I'm an idiot and have a big mouth)

And the consultant still wants to give me unescorted leave soon.

I mean I'm thrilled because yes please death (not that I'm now going to wait for unescorted leave, I'm just going to run) but I'm not sure that's how it's meant to work

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I wasted my last chance

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Mega Update

On all the shit that's happened in the 3 months since I ran away.

My dad came and got me and took me home.

We went on holiday as planned that week.

College said I could only go back if I was on medication, so my mum took me to see DrP and I went back on sertraline and started propranolol.

I went back to college on Monday 3rd June, and had a crazy week.

I barely slept but also had all the energy to do everything and talked to staff a lot. Jumped down a lot of stairs and baked a huge number of cakes.

Also self harmed very badly (full thickness burns to both arms).

Got sent home on the 10th. S had talked to me a lot needing more help than they could give me but being sent home wasn't what I was expecting. I was right though, before I ran away!

I never went back to college. They kept changing what they were saying about S coming to see me and going on the end of term trips, and none of it happened.

I ran away again. Less far, but for longer. Everything was just too much.

I was seeing the intensive (crisis) team but they were useless because there were so many of them and they didn't do anything helpful.

I found another college that does A levels. It looks amazing.

Because no one from this LA has been there before, funding is complicated and won't happen for the beginning of September, if it happens at all.

M has attempted suicide 6 or 7 times in the past couple of months.

I started feeling a bit better a week or so after being home, but then it got worse again. When I heard about there being no chance of college in September that was one thing too far.

I overdosed and spent a couple of days in hospital. Saw a psychiatrist from the intensive team and he said it was risky sending me home but he didn't want to admit me. My parents weren't happy. A bit later a nurse came by and said I had capacity to discharge myself, so I walked out of the hospital. I went and bought more pills and overdosed again that night. Back in hospital the next morning and then sectioned by the end of the day.

I've been sectioned and in an inpatient mental health ward since Friday 26th July.

Spent my 20th birthday here.

It really sucks here.

I was on a section 2 (up to 28 days), but following an assessment yesterday, I'm now on a section 3 (up to 6 months, can be renewed).

I constantly want to die. I know what I'd do. It completely overcomes me and I don't know what to do. It's so much worse when I'm here because I know I can't to anything about it.

M's been great and their mum brings them to visit even though it's not very close. We went trampolining and had lunch and went to a few shops yesterday. It was really fun, and they brought their dog. I bought them a tank because hey what's money. I also got my mum expensive chocolate.

I miss my mum and our cats.

I don't want to go home. I hate being here, but home is stressful and it makes me worse. I would go home if I was feeling better and it was just me and my mum, but that's not an option.

I just feel like nothing will change.

I was on mirtazapine for 6 and a bit weeks, but then I stopped taking all medication a couple of days after I got here. I'm now on duloxetine. I have lorazepam in the morning and evening, and also as a PRN. I'm on zopiclone but a really small dose and it doesn't do anything.

My sleep's been terrible. A couple of nights ago I didn't sleep at all, and the next night wasn't considerably better. I didn't wake up until 1pm today.

M's been diagnosed with stress induced psychosis. I can't help but think I'm part of that stress.

I want to go to the new college. But funding is far, far from certain, and even if it came through I'm really worried they say they can't take me because I'm too unwell. After the assessment yesterday when the AMHP was telling us the outcome, she said that if they let me go the risk was far too high that I'd end up seriously ill or dead.

Had a really emotional conversation with my mum a couple of nights ago. She said it felt like we were saying all the things you want to have said before someone dies. I feel so, so terrible for putting her through all this, but I just can't manage.

Some of the staff here are ok. There's one (Fk), who plays cards with me. Her birthday's a couple of days after mine and she's only a year older than me.

My consultant is DrK, and DrJ is another doctor here. The first time I met him he commented on how my doing Rubik's cubes during meetings "set me apart as different" but then in the assessment yesterday he lent me an X cube which is cool.

I'm not eating properly. I got here on a Friday night, M visited on the Monday so I ate a cake they had made, but that wasn't until Thursday, when I had part of a meal deal with Fk. The dietician is concerned, and prescribed me weird drinks which I'm not having. I'm not eating much, and I'm throwing up most of what I eat.

My dad got hit off his bike on a roundabout and has a broken collarbone and multiple broken ribs.

I haven't seen B1 since the morning after my first OD. He's been working the few times my mum has come which is a shame. I've seen B2 a couple of times though.

My dad came a couple of times early on but just stressed me out so I said he couldn't keep coming. He and his fiancée came on my birthday and that was a lot better.

My head won't stop. It's really horrible and I'm done with it.

There's a psychologist here (Pi) who is good. Except she's now on holiday for 2 weeks. We worked out I believe I don't deserve to be happy. I told her about a lot of history stuff. She gave me 2 self help booklets on anxiety and panic and ok thanks for the thought but I think we're a bit beyond that.

I've gone to an art therapy group a couple of times, mainly because a therapy dog also goes.

I had a bath before my second OD, but that was 3 weeks ago and I haven't washed beyond wet wipes since then. I don't actually smell that bad though.

They took me off my T. I was super angry and now I'm just fed up.

My mum's visiting tomorrow and we're going to cuddle up together because it's been way too long.

I would do a seperate recap of today but all that's happened is that I've been in bed apart from med time this morning and this evening. I'm going to try to start them again though. It partly feels like I've been here forever, but also I can't believe I've been here 3 weeks already. So I figure if I write stuff down I might be able to keep track a little better.

There are a couple of other things I might add tomorrow, but it's 2:45am and I'm getting tired of this for tonight.

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My mental health is aggressively shitty

But I can't tell anyone. I don't know whether I'm more scared that I'd get hospitalised or that I wouldn't. At least this way it's my choice.

Getting hospitalised would suck hugely, but having people know how badly I'm not coping and say "you're not bad enough" would possibly be worse.

There isn't a level of support between where I am now and being hospitalised, apart from I guess being drugged to high heaven. I'm talking to/seeing the crisis team multiple times a week, but it doesn't help.

This is a recurring theme in my life: making shitty decisions because then at least I get to make the decisions.

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Full thickness burn that's very swollen + generally feeling ill = a coincidence

Is what I'm going with currently. I'm hoping I'm not wrong and it's infected. Whatever.

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I don't know why people expect me to tell them when I'm thinking about making a bad decision

Because I know they'll stop me from doing it, which isn't what I want.

If I'm thinking about running away and tell someone, they'll stop me from doing that by not leaving me alone etc.

If I tell someone I have a strong urge to burn or pour boiling water on myself, they're going to restrict my access to things I can do that with.

And then what if I decide I definitely want to do that thing? I can't. So I don't tell anyone. And make bad decisions, but that's what I want to do at the time.

And people keep asking "why didn't you tell me?". Because I wanted to do it and you'd have stopped me. If there was someone I could talk to who wouldn't stop me from doing it, but would just give me a space to talk it through so maybe I'd decide for myself I didn't want to do it, or maybe I'd do it anyway, then I'd talk to them. But I don't know who that would be, so I just think for ages and usually do the thing.

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I keep considering starting the daily recaps again

But a) just opening this blog is very triggering for me, and b) everything still kind of sucks at the moment and not in a "writing it down will help" way. So I think I'm going to try to wait until this crisis is over (although it kind of feels like it is now, though no one else seems to agree) and then maybe try again. Because I liked having a log of what I was up to. But just coming up with initials for everyone currently would be a nightmare. Maybe I'll do a recap of the last month at some point, but that point isn't tonight.

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I phoned my mum

And everything went to shit.

Very long story, that I don't even understand because basically all of the conversations happened without me, short, I'm sat in a hospital and if I leave they'll call the police to bring me back.

My dad's coming to pick me up but he won't be here for like 8 hours. Everything is so fucked up and I just can't. I have no idea what's happening with college or anything, and all my stuff is there.

I'm also so close to completely losing it

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The "oh fuck what have I done" thing is happening

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It's been about 13.5 hours and I'm doing ok

P has seen this blog and whilst I'm not sure she'll remember or even knew in the first place what site it's on, I'm not going to write details here. I'm tired and I'm not sure where I'm going to sleep, but I'll figure something out. I have food and drinks.

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I left

I actually did it.

I'm scared, but not as much as I thought I'd be. It'll probably sink in later and I'll die.