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It's been a rough day. A stay in my pajamas, "mom hair" , crying in the closet, type of day. Some days just wear on you worse than others. Today it isn't even the kids overwhelming me... by which I mean they've actually been acting pretty good today, compared to some days. 😂

Anyway, today has been a day of other worries, things like money, bills, the household, ect. One of those days where even though you can't do anything about it right this second you still cant stop thinking about your problems and "oh God why me, why now" the type of day where you obsess until... you're crying in the closet. It's very hard to feel like a good mom when you're sitting in the closet trying to push back the wave of panic when you know you have 3 kids sitting in the living room, depending on you for basically everything, and you feel like you're still trying to figure out life. With thoughts like "Who let me have kids? And a mortgage?!" Floating around in my head, it was hard to come back to Earth, but it happened when I heard "Mommy? Koehn's crying!" *Deep breath girl... there ya go! Wipe the tears... and go!* back into the fray I went.

As far as my anxiety goes, this was a minor attack, but as anyone with anxiety will tell you, even the small ones can linger. Especially when your anxiety is telling you things like "You're not a good enough mom" or "You're stuck between a rock and a hard place in the money situation."

Life is hard, raising kids is hard, making money is hard. I know all these things. But just because I know it that doesn't make it any easier. Especially since we have a few extra hard things on top of the "everyday" hard things, like today Matthew was supposed to be off work, but got to work an off duty gig for extra money because someone threatened to shoot up a local grocery store, and we got the (supposedly final) court date in one of the cases against Kat's egg and sperm donors. I'm loathe to call them parents. This is the 5th court date we've had btw. So that's a lot of extra stress and worry...

The life we have been living the last (almost) year has been a crazy and emotional one. They say life is a series of mountains and valleys, and I will tell ya, our valley has gotten deep. Even a hill would look great right about now😂. But I do know this, I know my God is with us, every step of the way.

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A child's shoulders...

A child's shoulders are not meant to bear the weight of a parents decisions. It's a phrase I've seen around before and it really has resonated with me lately. Having Kat in our household has opened my eyes in many ways, but for this post we will talk specifically about how her parents made decisions (bad decisions) and the kids had to deal with them.

Now I can't talk about the case, it's ongoing, plus it's not my story to tell (especially to the whole internet) but it's bad, which I'm sure you've figured out since kids were taken from parents and the parents are in jail.

The other day I took Kat to therapy, a weekly occurrence but this time when her therapist talked to me, she explained that Kat had come to a standstill in the sessions. Basically she would talk about normal things like what she had done that week, but wouldn't go further. So Mrs. S (the therapist) said we should have a "rip off the bandaid" session. Basically I had to tell Kat that when she and the boys first came to live with us, that the police officers and CPS people told Matthew and I what was happening to make them take the kids away. I explained that her parents made unsafe decisions, that we didn't know before the police told us, and as soon as we found out that we were there so that we could protect them.

And then Kat cried. One little tear.

It was heartbreaking, because Kats way of coping was to pretend that nothing has ever happened. Basically she never talked about before she lived with us, except for every once and awhile when she would decide to tell us a short story about 'before.'

So by telling her that we knew about her 'before' we shattered her safety zone. And it sucked because she is just a little girl who has been through a lot and probably needed that feeling of safety at first, but it was good for her because now she knows that we know and we still love her, and that her therapist knows and that she can talk to her. And now she can find safety in knowing that we will protect her.

But the fact is, that this little girl felt like she needed to proctect her parents, that's why she wouldn't talk to us. She thought that if she told us about 'before' that her parents would be in trouble because of her. Somewhere along the way, these 'parents' said to these kids something along the lines of 'if we get caught you can't tell anyone about anything or it will be your fault that we are in trouble' and I think that is just despicable.

Since that therapy session, Kat has had more anxiety attacks. It's almost as if shes decided, hey they know about all of those other bad things and still love me, if I show them this bad emotion they will still love me too. And I'm glad she is figuring that out because it will help her, and help us to help her. Suppressing it was not good, but I'm hoping she will start learning how to talk about everything in therapy and that she will be at peace.

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Eli's turning 3!

Tomorrow is Eli's 3rd birthday party. Every year I get so excited and plan a wonderful party for him, and every year I am reminded how exhausting it is to throw a party. And expensive! Matthew and I have spent SO much money on this party its ridiculous. 🤣 We got a bounce house/water slide!

Its huge and fun and I love it! Yes I went down it already, I had a blast. 🤣 Moms can have fun too!

As I lay here in bed, I just pray that tomorrow goes off without a hitch. Theres a 40% chance of rain. I mean it hasn't rained in weeks but suddenly now theres a chance. 🙄

I also worry about Kat. She tends to get.... moody... when shes not center of attention. At this point I don't necessarily think she does it on purpose, I think she just doesn't know better.

On top of it all, I had a gallbladder attack last night, along with some food poisoning, so I've been feeling crappy ALL DAY. Gallbladder attacks are no joke man. And the food poisoning is what's had me feeling gross today. No vomiting since last night at least, but my stomach has been yucky all day. And allergies, can't forget about those... It's been a rough day.

So back to Eli's party. It's policeman themed! He's been talking about it for weeks! I'm so excited because hes so excited.💖 We have red and blue utensils, Matthew got to bring home one of the police vehicles, and we have real crime scene tape to decorate with! AND some of Matthew's policed buddies are gonna drop by in their units to surprise Eli! Plus we got Eli his own police car! (Kid sized, obviously.) I'll have to put pictures on a post of the party.

As excited as I am about the party, I'm also ready for it to be over. My husband and I are so exhausted over getting ready for it. Eli is worth it though.💖

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On parenting with 'extra' kids.

In my first ever blog "Let me introduce myself" I mentioned how we have kinship foster kids, which is basically family members that are in the foster care system and have been placed with Matthew and I. They are a nephew, Brady - 17, and a niece, Kat - 9. I also mentioned that we want to adopt Kat. But days like today make me question that, because when they lived with their parents all of the kids fought, like physically. A lot. Apparently sometimes cops got called. Once we had to call the police because Brady and Brice were fighting here at our house. (Long story.)

And now Kat has taught some of that to my little boy. My almost-3 year old is almost always in trouble for hitting, kicking, throwing things, etc.

And I know that this is a little bit things that his age group does. You know, things like "someone stole the toy from me so I hit." Or, "you were sitting with mommy but I wanted to so I hit."

But that's not what's happening here. Not most of the time anyway. Eli will walk up to Kat and just... hit. Or poke her in the eye. He does not do this to anyone else but Kat. She will literally just be sitting there. Or playing by herself. Not even looking at Eli. It's extra frustrating because Eli is NOT violent kid. He is soo sweet and loving. All he wants is to cuddle and love on people, me, Koehn, everyone! Even Kat. But then he'll just... hit her.

Here's another thing, Kat will just SIT THERE. She will see it coming, and LET IT. He's 2, a few weeks from 3. SHE'S ALMOST 10. She can block it! Instead she let's it happen, then hollers "OW!" literally so loud. It's all very dramatic. I'm thinking of putting her in a drama class.

Now here's the thing. I know that Kat started it. Kat hit, kicked, or whatever else to Eli and now he's doing that to her. She's admitted it. But what do I do about it?! I mean, she never hurts Eli in the view of an adult.

Just today we were at my mother-in-law's, and Eli was playing in the living room with a plastic bucket, swinging in circles and such like boys tend to do. Kat was laying in the middle of the floor, saw him playing, and decided not to move. So when Eli inevitably got close to her, Kat ended up with a bloody nose. According to my MIL, Eli slowed down but seemed to decide to hit her anyway. So Kat started crying, Matthew came to hug her so she cried harder, and when she saw the drop of blood come off her nose she started screaming.

So I took Eli to another room and asked him was it on purpose or an accident? He said on purpose. I asked why and Eli eventually was able to tell me that Kat pushed him into the cabinet of the laundry room at my in-laws. So I guess he remembered that and decided to get back at her. Or maybe he thinks that's how the two of them are supposed to play together? I really am not sure.

Now after all the bleeding, Matthew ended up having a conversation with Brady. Brady said that Kat has always been this way, very "anything for attention." Even starting things behind the scenes in order to get the attention in the end.

I'm ashamed to say that it took me way to long in the beginning when Eli started the hitting to ask Eli if Kat had ever hit him. I kept having that "mom feeling" that something was not right. Honestly I am still having that feeling sometimes. Now though I try to ask fairly often, especially on days where Eli seems to be particularly violent "did Kat hurt you?" And always Eli says yes and tells how. The story has never been the same 2 days in a row. Today was being pushed into the cabinet, and tonight he said she poked him in the eye when he was sitting in a chair here at our house. I have a tendency to believe him, especially because he doesnt know about lying yet.

Now, I'm not unsympathetic to the situation. I know she was not raised right. But she has lived in my house for 7 months. And while I know that 7 months cannot undo 9 years of life and learning, Matthew and I have had MULTIPLE conversations with her about hitting. One time she was even grounded for hitting a cousin (it was witnessed by Matthew, so at least I know I'm not crazy thinking shes hitting Eli.) So I know that she knows violence is wrong and not tolerated in this house.

I just dont know what to do. I mean, she's family, and a little girl, and it's not totally her fault, because she was raised this way, even though she does know at this point that we don't allow hitting here. But also, shes hurting my baby, my sweet Eli. How do I know that she won't also try to hurt Koehn, who is totally defenseless? How do I get her to stop this violent circle with Eli? What if the violence (and the getting in trouble for it) is hurting Eli/changing his personality?

I'm so confused. What does God want me to do? When the call came that Child Protective Services was taking these kids from their parents and they (CPS) wanted us to take custody, Eli was 2 years old, and I was 4 months pregnant with Koehn. God has given me 2 perfect boys to have, to raise and teach His ways. These are my babies, given to me to protect, love, and cherish for all of my days. And then it seemed that God was calling us to be foster parents sooner than we had planned. Being foster and adoptive parents was always in our plan. Well, you know what they say, the plans of the Lord may not match up with the plans we lay. So I thought that these kids were also given to me to love, protect, and cherish. So much has happened that I am confused about God's plan for my family. And I know that God does not always make His plans clear. But my son is hurting, and I am hurting for him. So now the questions are, what do I do? How do I protect ALL of my kids? What is God's plan?

All I know is that God will prevail, so I know that in the end His plan will succeed. I just want the hitting to stop...

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"I Can Only Imagine" is a beautiful Christian song, and one of my all-time favorites. When the movie came out, I knew I'd want to see it (and probably cry.😂) Well I've finally gotten to *start* watching the movie (haven't finished it at this point) but *spoiler alert, and more ahead* theres a scene with a funeral.

Now I cry at a lot of things, movies, books, even songs can make me cry, but at the part with the funeral I wasn't crying. And to be fair I had zoned out of the movie a bit because there was a lot going on: Matthew was making a snack, Eli was running around, and Koehn was wiggling like he might be getting hungry. And suddenly Kat, who's sitting beside me, says "I hope we never have to go to Matthew's funeral."

Instant tears.

I don't know for sure why she said it. I can think of a few reasons, but I think the two most likely are: 1.) Matthew's job. He's a police officer and his job is dangerous, theres an entirely real chance that on any given day someone might want to cause him bodily harm. Or 2.) Matthew has become Kat's father figure, she calls us mommy and daddy now more often than she calls us Matthew and Sam.

The scene was of the father's funeral, she might have transferred her feelings of sadness over the movie into her real life and felt upset over Matthew. My only other questions to myself on this second theory are: why did she say Matthew and not her bio-dad? Is it because she sees Matthew first now when she thinks of a dad? Or was it because he was there? Or because she was talking to me and she connects Matthew and I together in her mind?

I may never know the answer to those. But at least I do know this: the words were spoken innocently, but it showed a lot more than she realized. She loves him, and she worries about him.

When I was wondering what prompted Kat to make her comment, I also realized that she's old enough that she is aware that Matthew's job is dangerous. I'm not sure why, but I had never thought that Kat might have anxieties over the possibility of Matthew getting hurt at work. So now I think I will ask her if she's worried about that. If it is something she's concerned about I'll teach her that she can pray when she's worried. Give it to God. That's all we can do really, pray safey onto Matthew and give the worry and fear to God, and know that He is taking care of my family. That's what helps me, along with listening to Christian worship songs. I'm proud to say that when we are teaching Kat about God she is always excited and always retains as much as she possibly can. The other day she asked me for "that nighttime prayer" so I wrote it down for her. ("Now I lay me down to sleep...") lay night I found out that she brought the paper with us camping, so that she can say her prayer each night. Kat also told me she forgot to say it while we were here one night and she seemed a little upset over that. I told her that I'm sure God knows that she got really tired and fell asleep before her prayer, and that He wouldn't be mad.

Sorry, I think that might have gotten a little rambly... I tend to do that. Anyway, even though the actual comment from Kat was sad and scary and an "I don't even want to imagine it" type situation, the night was good. It was an emotional (to me) moment. And I learned a lot about Kat from it.

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Ketchup is just tomato yogurt.

This morning at breakfast, my almost 3 year old, Eli, had strawberry yogurt. This is pretty normal because he loves yogurt, but today his wonderful, still learning brain had a moment of confusion. Eli looked across the table at me and said "Mommy, these tomatoes are good!" And I thought 'Wait what?' as he plucked a strawberry piece off of his fork (we are camping and ran out of spoons.😂) So I asked him, "Bubba... do you mean strawberries?" "Yeah mommy!" He replied, "they're yummy!" And I chuckled at the goofiness of tomatoes in yogurt until a thought struck me.... ketchup is tomato yogurt. Talk about feeling mind blown. But I felt like I needed to verify my mind blowing realization, because theres no way ketchup is basically tomato yogurt.... right? So I slowly turn my head towards my husband, eyes wide, mouth gaping, and ask, "Is ketchup.... tomato yogurt?.." and I watch as HIS eyes get wide and his mouth makes a little popping noise and his mind is also blown right into smithereens with mine.

Now I realize that true yogurt is made with dairy, and that ketchup is not. But otherwise, ketchup is tomato yogurt. I'm right and you know it. Be mind blown.

Anyway, my whole post is not about ketchup/tomato yogurt. But rather what I realized with it as I thought about it through the day.

Not everything is what it seems.

I know that nearly everybody knows that. But it's one thing to know it, and another thing to KNOW it. (Obviously this applies to more than just ketchup.)

Let me tell you a story. Like I said, we are out camping at Lake Tawakoni, and one day I was sitting in the bedroom of the camper breastfeeding Koehn, when Matthew walks in with a big smile on his face. "I found you something!" And he was so excited, it was cute! "What is it hunny?" I asked with a smile. "Here!" And he handed me.... a rock.

But let me tell you something. I love rocks. This wonderful man of mine was going about his day here at the lake (probably playing with Eli) when he saw a rock and thought of me. He thought I would like it. And I LOVE it! Because I do love rocks, and I think this rock is cool, but I LOVE it because it's from my husband. To anybody else this would just be a funny shaped rock. But to me it is a gift given in love. And it's been in my pocket all week. Like I said, not everything is what it seems. Rock=love gift.

Now I'm gonna be honest, I'm terrible at the conclusion part of writing. I always have been, even way back in school writing essays. So as my conclusion I'll say this, think about the phrase "not everything is what it seems" next time something unusual happens, whether it's a gift or something someone says, someone's mood, anything. We might not know everything that's going on, so pay attention. Everything is not what it seems.

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Let me introduce myself:

My name is Samantha Regan, and I am 26 years old. My husband is Matthew, and he's a police officer. We have 2 biological sons, Eli who is a few weeks away from being 3, and Koehn, who is 7 weeks old. We also have a foster daughter, Kat, who is 9. Kat has been living with us for 6 months and is biologically our neice on my husband's side, and we intend to adopt her. Also in our custody we have Kat's older brother, Brady, who is 17, and does not wish (at this time) to be adopted by us. Brady and Kat have a 13 year old brother as well, but Brice is no longer in our custody because he needed specialized help that we were unable to give, and we knew it would be best for him to receive it, rather than to selfishly keep him with us just because we are his family. We still get to see him and talk to him, but he is doing so well where he is at and we are so proud of him, and cannot wait until he can return to his family.

I started this blog because, as a stay at home mom I often feel alone and I've come to realize that many moms around the world feel the same way. So, I decided that I would start a blog and tell my story, blog about my daily life and overcoming the SAHM depression, and my own personal anxieties. Even if I only help 1 person through doing this it will be worth it.

So as a fair warning, this blog will be filled with love and laughter, and also some crying, yelling, goofiness and a whole lotta crazy! Thanks for reading my first official blog post! Hope to blog at you again soon!