imtrying-butimpissed

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I'm alive. Been focusing on my health and other things.

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I keep reblogging to the wrong blog my bad lmaoo

In other news the grocery shopping was completed and I lost money 👍

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I've put it off for two months and my fridge is literally water and ketchup, I'm finally going grocery shopping.

Godspeed to me I guess.

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I dunno man. This shit blows. Struggle bussing over here. And it's like the only thing I have supporting me here is my old blog posts from a couple years ago haha.

I've tried the treatments, they sucked ass and did nothing to help me. I've tried to talk to friends and that didn't help at all in the slightest. I've tried family and that was by far the worst. I literally just have my own words to guide me now. Because no one else around me is helpful at all.

I'm just sick and tired of having this disorder. I'm sick and tired of it coming back over and over. I'm sick and tired of having to make the choice to recover, over and over every single day. It's bullshit.

I just need to scroll down to my old posts and see if I can bully myself into getting better again. Being delicate has never helped me.

I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be in this body either. I get one or the other I don't get to have both. And at my old age I wish I didn't have to be questioning which one I want more..

Anyways what's up with you guys?

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It's the new year, I got nothing to say. Take care of yourselves and thrive

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Fighting with myself over eating and what to eat and then my roommate walks into the kitchen and I rush out crying and now I'm hiding in my room so that's how my night is going

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Feelings tonight

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So we all survive thanksgiving or what?

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Gonna be real. I am struggle bussing.

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This time of year is always really hard for me. I'm always slipping up.

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I hate that I'm fucking triggered today 😵‍💫

Had to hold myself back from exploding on my roommate for simply walking into the kitchen when I was there making myself something to eat.

I hate the irritability. Getting pissed at people who unknowingly set me off. They shouldn't have to tiptoe around me on eggshells because I'm the one who doesn't have their shit together. And I just feel deep shame at the thought of having to explain this to anyone.

Ughhh I'm just a miserable disordered little rat and it's no one's problem but my own lol and if I talk about it then I'm officially making it their problem too. And I can't do that. Because shame and guilt.

And if I were someone else I know exactly what I would say to help them out of that funk and drop facts and push for the recovery mindset but now I'm just here with no one yelling in my ear to get my shit together.

All I have is the desire to rip off faces and be left alone

Maybe tomorrow will be better

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i gotta remember this

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Your blog helped me eat tonight

After already eating today around 3:30-4ish . Normally will restrict later on , if I do something like that . Either that , or just not eat the whole day , till night time .

Yet , just finished eating for the second time today . After scrolling a bunch through your blog . Thank you for that🙂

Fuck yeah dude, I'm glad!! Good on you for eating!

I didn't really wanna eat tonight either and nothing sounded good. I ended up just eating a bowl of ice cream for dinner, because fuck it.

The world is ending

I'm gonna eat some dessert.

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I remember one time when I was in an eating disorder treatment center and struggling to finish a particularly hard meal, a therapist kneeled down next to me and said, “You don’t need to prove to me that you’re in pain.” I could feel some emotion starting to come up and I tried to push it away. She said, “Tell me about the pain, Lindsay. Use you words, not your body.” That’s still one of the most powerful things I’ve been told when in my eating disorder. There have been times, even subconsciously, that I’ve used ED behaviors as a way of showing people how much pain I’m in, telling them that I am not okay inside.  There are still days when I’m tempted to take out my emotions on my body, to make my internal pain visible. But sometimes I think about this therapist and it makes me pause, even for a second, and remember that I don’t have to destroy myself to prove my pain to anyone. It is valid and real whether I look “sick enough” or not.

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artist: wednesday holmes (ig @hellomynameiswednesday)

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