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Kidnapper: We have your friend.

Scotty, who picked up Brock’s phone: Friend? Which friend?

Kidnapper: ...Are you Moo?

Scotty: Which friend OLD MAN!

Kidnapper: Oh, uh brown hair, blue eyes, Iris-

Scotty, realizing he’s not talking about Marcel: Haha, okay cool.

Scotty: [Hangs up]

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Some people go a lifetime and never have their friend blow up a car, but I have a best friend who's knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that's some kind of record.

Wildcat, talking about Vanoss

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Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry.

Bordie

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Fitz: I told you to stay put.

Swagger: Fitz, if I start listening to you now it’s going to throw off our whole dynamic.

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If you take out a loan you spend 30 years paying it back but if you rob a bank? You get out in 10 years.

-Kryoz

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Smii7y, after getting kidnapped: You think no one knows I’m here?

Bad guy: You mean Kryoz?

Bad guy: Kryoz is dead.

Smii7y, scoffing: Dont be ridiculous, Kryoz would never die without telling me.

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Fitz: Guys, I think we should split up. We’ll cover more ground that way.

Swagger: Good idea.

Fitz: [leaves]

Swagger, to the rest of the Misfits: Fitz is full of terrible ideas. Let’s not split up.

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[Terroriser and Vanoss sitting in jail together over some dumb shit]

Vanoss: So, who should we call?

Terroriser: I’d say call Moo, but I feel safer in jail.

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“Don't be an idiot. We're here to commit crimes not prevent them!”

-Terroriser, when Moo tries to help some people

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Bad guy: I will destroy your happiness!

Zuckles: My happiness?

Zuckles, to Swagger: Am I happy?

Swagger: Don’t ask me.

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“I'm the one who got us into this mess, so I'll be the one who gets us much, much deeper into this mess”

-Zuckles, looking at the base he accidentally set on fire

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“Alcohol tastes better when you’re underage because the secret ingredient is crime.”

-Smii7y, drinking a Capri-sun

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Bad guy: Get me a hundred thousand dollars within the next 24 hours if you want your kid back.

Smii7y, tied to a chair in the background: A hundred thou- You think I am ONLY worth one hundred thousand?

Bad guy:

Smii7y: Make it one billion!

Moo: Smii7y, I swear to god.

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Wildcat, waking up to Evan unsuccessfully attempting to sneak into their apartment with a black eye and split lip: Explain?

Evan: I am baby.

Wildcat: You are bastard, but continue.

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Nogla, holding a gun to his head: Well the only person who can shoot me is me. Good luck trying to shoot me when I’m already dead.

Wildcat, who had been threatening him with a gun: You are a whole new level of stupid.

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You ever come up with a concept and it’s wonderful except on the last two people you get bored so it looks sloppy? Well here’s mine, I gave up on Toad McCreamy and Yoshi Zuckles

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Program keeping door locked: Nightowl’s cave, identification authorization.

Brian: Nightowl’s favorite Irish man.

Program: Welcome, Daithi de Nogla.

Brian: [Screams]