indigo474

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

62325

i cleaned my car and managed to scratch it. ughh. I was goofing off and I scratched it- its fixable but but- ughhhh. I told myself I wouldn't get upset about my car being driven daily and showing wear- it was an accident-i'm not upset upset- more annoyed. I called out of work today because I wanted to. i did the things I didn't do over the weekend. I would gladly work 4 10's to have 3 off. I cleaned my room. I cleaned my house . i rested and turned on the TV. I have never once thought Maddy was lazy or anything other than tried when she falls asleep or tells me how exhausted she is. when i'm tired and feel like I need to rest it becomes a battle inside my brain. I was so memorized by my phone-pandora was moving to the music-i cant even explain what it was doing- like an equalizer-but a wave- it doesn't do it all the time but it did it tonight- that's how I scratched my car- I was memorized by the wave and how it was moving to the music. and yeah, I foolishly thought if I just did more more more I would be worthy of love- if the house was clean and the laundry done and everything was perfect somehow he would see I was worth loving. the good news is -i get to love myself- if i'm tired, I rest-i'm learning. I don't have anyone happy to see me when I get home- I also don't have anyone asking -where the fuck were you-

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

62225

I think I have a lot to write about but when I try nothing comes out- or worse- I write some thing and accidentally delete it. I checked my 401 k last week- still not enough to retire. I went to concert last week and sat in seat 322. my car is dirty and keeping it clean could realistically become my full time job. Madison and I are going on a little trip in a few weeks - i desperately need time away from work. it was nice having 2 days off- my goal was to spend more time at the pool this summer- the pool is broken and won't be opening. I think I need to take some mushrooms and head into the woods. I have the mushies- i'm going to have to make tea- I forgot to get the stomach meds from my Mom. I might wait until the fall. I went to the park a couple Fridays ago and the vibe freaked me out- too many people - I felt slightly unsafe- just because I was the minority. it was all good but if i roll up to the park with the intention of taking mushrooms and the energy is Off- things could get weird. .. in my head anyway. patience. I'm on day 5 of drinking a gallon of water a day. all I do is pee. its getting more and more difficult to drink. I want someone to love. I thought the other night coming home from my workout how nice it would be to have someone waiting at home for me. I was such a weird thought that just popped into my head. I've wished for a lot of things over the years but wishing I had someone at home waiting for me is new- it implies I would be sharing a home with someone. that's not something ive thought of since I left Chatham. it would be nice. .. to have someone

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

[indigo474]

[indigo474]