infernalnuisance

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firefighter, save me like a stuck kitten in Plath's fig tree

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First computer animated cat ever - “Koshechka” (”A kitty”), 1968

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Indiewire has just called Hayao Miyazaki 'the movie world's least convincing retiree' I am CACKLING

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I feel like a useless person. I would listen to all your thoughts, opinions on the plethora of situations and the world economy and politics, but if you ask me to give an opinion, I stay mum. I am not able to hold any opinion. I'll listen to all the sides of the situation, I'll even agree with them. But I won't be able to formulate my opinion and stand by it. I feel like I'm harmless to the people that's why they don't engage with me for intelligent conversations. This not only applies to the group discussions that the students have in classes, but in my personal life also. I'll listen to your problems but I won't be able to give you my opinion. I'll try to stay diplomatic because I don't want to take the responsibility of the outcome that would result if that person takes my opinion. People say I'm a good listener. But who would tell them that that's all I can do. I don't have the ability to do anything else that would benefit you. And I don't try to change it. Fuck me. Because it's so difficult, I try to dodge it. I need to overcome this. I NEED to change this.

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I miss the way I viewed the world before I knew too much about it

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Why wait for 4 years when we could stop talking right now. Why wait for all the suffering to happen when we could end this right now. I'm the one who is to blame for this to happen. I could not keep my pinky promise. I thought I had the ability to but I was wrong. I'm overly sensitive and I can't handle things in a rational manner. So, it's better to stop this. I had a lot of things to say. And yes, I know I am the problem here. You can blame me, curse me, do whatever you want. You said that even if I make you angry or hurt you, you'll stay by my side. I don't want that. I don't want someone to be with me for handling the part of me that I hate. Even though I don't have the intention to hurt you, I always do. So it's better that this time, I actually have the intention and say this in front of you face to face. Let's stop this. I'm the problem here. You go on with your life and I'll go on with mine. I hope you have a wonderful vacation and I hope you don't have to think about me anymore.

Why wait for 4 years or ask that question, get angry at me and stop talking to me, when we can do this right now and save ourselves from the waste of time. You don't even have to ask that question now. Be angry at me and stop talking to me. After saying all this, if you don't stop talking to me, then I'll stop. I'll be the better person for the sake of both of us by avoiding you. Of course we have to see each other in college for the next four years. We'll deal with it somehow.

That's all I have to say. I hope you enjoy your vacation. Don't expect anything from me. And I know I'm being rude and disrespectful. But I can't help it. Goodbye.

[infernalnuisance]

Someone told me- "I want to know what goes on in that beautiful mind of yours".

It's not beautiful. It's messy. It's fucked up. It's filled with horrendous thoughts. I want to escape. I don't think I'm meant for this world. My body cannot hold the weight of responsibility that this world puts on me. I think of running away each and every moment. Where? I don't know. This might bring a false sense of optimism that things would get better if I ran away. But I believe in that false sense of optimism. That is what keeps me going.

My parents had put no pressure on me when they asked me what I wanted to pursue. I didn't know what to do with my life. I am not passionate about anything. Therefore, when I'm stuck with this academically challenging field of study, I can't blame them at all. The onus is on me. I don't want to complain. I want someone to tell me what to do. Of course my mother tells me what I should do in moments of difficulty, but some things are just not simple enough for me to carry out. I know my incompetence is not justified. I'm willing to try. Now, I've set my mind on one thing. I know it will be hard but I'll do it. I HAVE TO DO IT!

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If I die not because of natural causes, I would like to die on my birthday. If it happens any other day, those who love and care for me would be reminded of my absence even more on that day along with my birthday. Of course they would feel my absence whenever and wherever. But they would be reminded about it twice a year. It would be better to be like that and feel like that only once a year, i.e., on my birthday.

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“Somewhere, far down, there was an itch in his heart, but he made it a point not to scratch it. He was afraid of what might come leaking out.”

— Markus Zusak

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“That the powerful play goes on and that you may contribute a verse.” Keating reciting Walt Whitmans poem about life to his English class.

“I don’t care if the world comes to an end tomorrow night. You are through with that play. Is that clear?” Mr.Perry to his son.

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- Evelyn Waugh, from Brideshead Revisited (1945)

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I'm not even reading anything. I'm just rotting.

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What if I’m unlovable at my core? What if there is something about me that makes people not want to stay?

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the fact that i'm no longer the same age as the protagonists of novels and films i once connected to is so heartbreaking. there was a time when I looked forward to turning their age. i did. and i also outgrew them. i continue to age, but they don't; never will. the immortality of fiction is beautiful, but cruel.

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sad by Jeremy Radin

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because the color is half the taste by Paige Lewis