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[infertility-instability]

Update #6

I put off making this update because of how upset I am.

I finally saw the infertility specialist, the best in the state. Not a lot of good news. She recommended we start with letrozole and ovidrel along with intrauterine insemination.

This would be fine but ever since I had my HSG done (I had a really bad reaction to the dye and got super sick) I’ve been having panic attacks and vomitting at every doctor’s appointment since. My anxiety is at an all-time high. I almost passed out during the ultrasound because the doc was just counting the cysts out loud.

The husband wants to go ahead with the treatment but he acknowledges that it’s my body and I can choose what I’m comfortable with. If it wasn’t for the anxiety factor I’d be jumping at the chance to get this done.

My primary doc asked if I wanted xanax for appointments but I said no since I have a history of drug abuse and I wouldnt want to drive on xanax. People in my life are judging me for that decision and viewing it as a no-brainer but I dont trust myself with mood-altering substances.

Long update. I have a lot to think about.

[infertility-instability]

How I wish I will see two pink lines this month!

[infertility-instability]

Update #5

Still no ovulation. My optimism has plumetted and I spent yesterday evening looking for infertility specialists with my husband. No shade at my gyno but her treatment plan hasn’t pushed us in a good direction yet and the husband thinks a specialist would be a better route to go with. I can’t help but agree with him.

He has a coworker who went through 7 years of infertility and IVF with his wife and when the husband shared our concerns the coworker said “Dude, you’ve only been trying for a year, we tried for seven.” ~minimizing~ not helpful.

I feel like giving up.

My sister’s second kid is due in April.

[infertility-instability]

[infertility-instability]

Update #4

CD12 and no sign of ovulation yet. I use the ClearBlue digital ovulation test and I haven’t had a high or peak reading yet. The strip tests I use all have had faint lines since CD4...? I know I’m just worrying since I didn’t ovulate at all last month and there’s still time.

I read online that Clomid may make you ovulate later than 10-14 days and I guess that might be true? Looking at a clomid ovulation predictor I should be ovulating within this week. Adding to the confusion - my Ovia tracker app said I should have ovulated last week which is super early so I’m very confused.

I just want to ovulate!!!!

[infertility-instability]

“Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, and I believe it should be celebrated; whether it lasts 3 weeks or 9 months.”

— @myrainbowboyandme

[infertility-instability]

[infertility-instability]

Update #3

So yesterday, CD5, I was already seeinf a faint line on the ovulation dip test (the little strip dip tests from Amazon) and boy am I riding this hopeful feeling.

My workbook describes the infertility journey as a rollercoaster as you go through your cycle and tbh I embody that comparison. I do this every cycle until I inevitably crash when I get that negative test.

So I am completely burned out from working 24/7 (I’m a funeral director and it’s busy season) and the Clomid side effects aren’t helping. I’m trying to stay on top of everything and not have a breakdown but I feel like I’m going to implode. I’m juggling six funerals at work and in my free time I just dwell on work and the infertility issues. Unhealthy af.

Here’s hoping that I can report (at least) a positive ovulation test this cycle. That’d be swell. Also can we take a moment to sadly laugh at the fact that my hopes diminished from “I want a positive pregnancy test!” to “A positive ovulation test would be nice?”.

I still want the positive pregnancy test but one obstacle at a time, right?

[infertility-instability]

Update #2

As expected, I’m getting back on that “new cycle positivity” after the depressive crash when I got my period.

Currently CD3 so time to start another round of Clomid. Last cycle (first round) it made me really nauseus and I barfed on my commute to work (I keep barf bags in my car, no worries). Anyone else have wild side effects on Clomid?

Regardless, I’ve had worse side effects from other medications and it’s only five days of pills so I think I can handle it. I’d really rather it be morning sickness than just fertility med side effects.

Did more in the workbook yesterday. Worked on coping mechanisms and how to avoid situations or work through them. Really getting into the meat and potatoes of it, as painful as it is.

So I guess we’ll begin the scheduled baby dancing next week, I know the husband is looking forward to that since there’s been none of that recently due to the depressed state I’ve been in. Even though it’s scheduled it is still nice to be intimate and hopeful. With all the changes this past year at least our relationship has only changed for the better.

Until the next update, baby dust for all!

[infertility-instability]

Update #1

We’re both trying to cope with the fact that even with medical intervention I can’t fucking ovulate. My husband is finally realizing that it’ll be harder than expected so we’re on the same level now which is slightly relieving but I hate seeing him upset.

I messaged my doc about possibly increasing my mg and I feel so annoying doing so because I’m definitely not the first person to go through infertility and she probably wants me to relax.

I’m just so fucking sad and can feel myself slumping into depressed tendencies. Not eating, then binging, not doing anything when I’m home aside from laying in bed. I have clinical depression but I usually can handle that.

My therapist commends me for trying to work through it via therapy and a neat lil workbook I bought online but that is so painstaking.

Hopefully I’ll have more positive updates in the future but for now this is the reality.

[infertility-instability]

“Infertility is a loss. It’s the loss of a dream. It’s the loss of an assumed future. And, like every loss, it will be grieved.”

— Unknown

[infertility-instability]

ok some TTC Positive Energy

So I’ve been wallowing all day at work and I just needed to bring some positive energy for all us ladies holding those test strips up to the light to see that second line.

Here’s a list I came up with that might make some of us feel a little better today:

1) We are masters at aiming while we pee

2) We learned a new language - BFN, BFP, AF, OPK

3) We became morning people! Who said waking up at the same time every day to take our temps was so bad.

4) For those of us that cut caffeine, a cup of coffee now goes a LONG way now.

5) For those of us that cut out alcohol, we can get drunk for much cheaper now!

6) For those of us that went Keto, hey new body, you’re looking great!

7) For those of us really sad/angry about that last pregnancy announcement on Facebook, don’t worry we’re all sad/angry with you, you’re not alone in your feelings.

8) For those of us who got closer to our significant others during this time, embrace it, hold it, and keep it.

9) For those of us who found new outlets of self-help, tumblr, outdoors, art, travel, etc… that’s so great for us, think about the stories we can tell our future babies.

10) For those of us who hope, dream, and believe that someday we’ll get our own Big Fat Positive - I believe it too, for all of us. We just have to keep believing. If it’s not natural, some child out there, within all this space and time, is waiting for you to be their mommy & we’re going to be the best mommies.

[infertility-instability]

“i’ve had my heart shatter every month for 5 years in just two minutes on the bathroom sink. perhaps i was destined to conceive bitterness, carry rage, birth poetry, and raise this world instead of a child.”

- smspoetry (infertility)

[infertility-instability]

[infertility-instability]

Nailed it.

[infertility-instability]

Introduction

Welcome to my sad sideblog!

I’m here to try to cope and to share my worries about my infertility without anyone in my personal life knowing. I’m still “closeted” in that sense aside from a couple of close friends and my therapist.

A few things about my journey: I’m happily married for over a year to a wonderful, supportive husband. We have been TTC for baby #1 for over a year with no luck. I have a preliminary diagnosis of PCOS but I don’t completely fit the symptoms aside from being in annovulation and having long, irregular cycles. We’ve both gone through all the tests, he is fine, my anatomy is fine, I just don’t ovulate.

Currently, I am on 50mg Clomid with no luck. I’ve tried metformin in the past but had a bad reaction to it.

Please feel free to share any anecdotes, worries, advice, or to just stop by! All are welcome.

Thank.