inheritedbeliefs

[inheritedbeliefs]

My sister's death date is approaching...

My sister killed herself on March 12, 2021. Though, for some reason the state has her official date of death as March 13th. That is inaccurate. Anyway, I realized myself thinking more about the positive experiences we had before her death. This is unusual for me as I can only seem to replay our fights and arguments over and over again in my mind. It's become easier for me to remember fleeting moments of joy we shared together. Such as, laughing fits over stupid jokes, or when we'd plan trips we wanted to take together. We never got to take any of those trips.

Occasionally I'll catch myself thinking about her and loudly I'll let out a chuckle to myself. She was very silly. She knew how to make me laugh like no one else has matched since.

I am not sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post. I cannot afford therapy at the moment, and it depresses me too much to talk about Opal with my friends, and my family instantly sobs at the mention of her name. I guess I am looking to just put into the world that, I am remembering her without so much agony. I can feel moments of joy when remembering her. Though fleeting, I feel them. The old saying, "time heals all wounds," does have some merit, I am learning.

Thanks for reading my ramblings <3

[inheritedbeliefs]

I am no longer religious, but if I was, I can understand why some Christians believe we're in the end times...

[inheritedbeliefs]

Welcome, friends. My name is Sophia. I am currently 24 years old, a college Junior, and born and raised in an abusive doomsday cult.

My paternal grandfather claimed to be the last prophet of Yehoshua, and therefore it was his God-given duty to save a small group of chosen people by Yoshua from the incoming apocalypse, before the entire human race and everyone who ever existed is condemned to The Kingdom of Fire.

My grandfather was an avid listener of The Radio Church of God, hosted by newspaper advertising designer, Herbert Armstrong. As Armstrong developed a community of loyal listeners, he created his own church, The Worldwide Church of God. As such his beliefs and teachings began to become increasingly what is accepted as anti-mainstream-Christianity. He preached Sabbatarianism, Anti-Trinitarianism, divorced people were not permitted to remarry, one is not permitted to celebrate any holiday, especially Christmas. Additionally, other beliefs that enforced strict social rules, such as dress codes, gender and racial hierarchies, and so on. If you are interested in learning more about the basics of Armstrongists beliefs, I recommend checking out 5.armstrong.pdf (cornell.edu) Armstrongism (judeministries.org) Worldwide Church of God | History, Beliefs & Practices | Britannica

My grandfather, one who has craved power over others his whole life, began having disagreements with Armstrong on some of his more liberal beliefs, such as women working, and not strictly enforcing some of the church's policies (yet). He detested the churches laxed attitude on punishment from deviating from the doctrine. Swiftly after these disagreements, my grandfather began developing what would become his own doctrine of religious teachings. He then married my grandmother, had four kids and taught them the teachings of Armstrong, while enforcing the changes he made. This is how my dad, aunt, and two uncles grew up. They went to public school, had friends, and perhaps seemed odd to other people as they sat out on school holiday parties, but were otherwise seemingly normal kids. I am sure this illusion of normalcy was shattered once anyone met my grandfather. He was bitter, angry, and aggressive. He could not be contained. He was an incredibly violent man - beating his kids and wife mercilessly almost daily over any minor thing he found offensive.

As it was a sin to go to college or want a fulfilling career for yourself, my dad, my aunt and uncles all married young and immediately began populating the Earth, as it was demanded. My one uncle has eight kids, the other has five ("hmm, was birth control involved?" I always heard growing up,) my aunt also had eight, and my dad had six, including my half-sister from my mom's previous relationship - my mom was always shamed and singled out for this. To support such a large family, the men took on odd jobs, until eventually settling on trades, such as carpentry, electrician work, and chimney sweeping.

During the early years of my cousin's lives, my grandfather organized "meetings," where every single Saturday, a group of family and friends would meet to discuss my grandfather's teachings. One by one, membership began to dwindle, as people began to understand the dangers of his teachings and refused to become entangled in them. What remained was my uncles, aunts, grandmother, parents, cousins and a few of my grandfather's friends/distant family (one being a convicted murderer). People leaving only affirmed the group's belief that their teachings were correct. The accepted belief was that the "wheat from the chaff" was being separated. The more who disliked us and rejected our beliefs, the more correct we were.

By the time I was born in 2000, my grandfather found his stride. You were to have zero outside contact with the world. No school (the older children and mothers were our teachers,) no college, no friends, no family that were not members of our group. Women were forbidden from working; they were strictly baby-making machines and servants to men and their husbands. Men were providers - using their bodies to earn money to fund our duty populate and craft an army for Yehoshua. Any remaining money went to tithes.

Children's duties were to be obedient to their parents above all else. My grandfather really liked hierarchies. As children, we were to obey God, my grandfather and his wife, our parents, our uncles, our aunts, and our older cousins and older siblings. Beyond obedience, we were to be laborers, workers. We did house chores, outside chores and anything else. Us girls typically stayed inside, where we learned how to be "proper ladies." How to sit correctly, how to clean, how to cook, how to care for the babies, each other, ourselves, and whatever other duty was designed for us. The boys did not do inside chores, unless some rare occasion occurred that required them to. They did outside work with our fathers, and leisure activities afterwards like watching TV, playing GameCube and reading their bible. Sometimes we had electronics, sometimes we did not. It was dependent on what Yoshua told my grandfather that day.

We all lived together in one neighborhood, or near each other. We only observed Passover, no other holiday. Our meeting spot was ever changing. The government and other agents of Satan were constantly watching and listening in on our meetings and thoughts to extract information to use against God's chosen people, us. His agents, oddly named "Hickeyheads" by my grandfather, would follow us everywhere. They would drive by our houses, follow us in grocery stores, plant radios in our teeth at the dentist, and use mind control technology to stir up drama within the group to fracture us from within. Sometimes they would use ELF and HAARP to control the weather so we could not meet weekly on Saturday. Anything to prevent God's people from becoming saved. We had to be careful, any day they were going to kidnap one of us and remove parts of our brain to learn the secrets of the Bible.

I was given Lyme disease when I was six by a low flying helicopter that was dumping infected mosquitoes and ticks onto our property to try and get us sick and kill us through bioengineered attacks, as so I was told.

My grandfather could send and receive messages from angels and Yehoshua himself. It's why our beliefs were ever evolving and changing. Nothing was stagnant. You were always trying to keep up and behave and think according to what our prophet said we had to do for that day. He would have clear visions of specific instructions on how to save ourselves for that day. Sometimes the voices of the angels were so loud and powerful; my grandfather could not sleep.

Salvation could be yanked away any minute of the day. So, you're constantly having to monitor your actions and thoughts, so you do not anger the Lord. It's a wonder how I developed OCD. "Remember to please the Lord," I heard every hour of the day. It was a reminder to not upset God, unless I wanted to spend eternity in The Lake of Fire

Depending on your last name, you had certain privileges that others in the group did not have. If you belonged to the family of the purest, according to my grandfather, then you had access to tithes, labor and other small things such as electronics (sometimes,) swear words and the women could wear shorts, tank tops, and paint their nails pink. Decorating one's temple was strictly forbidden in all other circumstances. Pride in one's work and appearance were a straight shot to the lake of fire.

Physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, and mental abuse plagued the cult. The men were taught to be "men" - violent, angry and torturous. The beatings were unpredictable. You dared talk back to an adult, beating. You dare not eat your dinner, beating. You dare look at your father in terror as he's beating your mother, beating. Sometimes your father would come home from work in a bad mood, and it was hell unleashed onto everyone. The verbal and emotional abuse paired with the physical and mental abuse was common. Before, during or after beatings you were berated and humiliated in front of others, often while others encouraged the display. Physical violence began as early as infancy. Infants were smacked and beaten for crying or annoying others. The violence only ended when the man was too old and feeble to continue hitting and throwing furniture. Such as the case for my grandmother. I do not know when the sexual abuse began. I remember it as early as being a toddler. My older male cousin preyed upon my sister and I, I suspect others were abused as well.

In the state of Pennsylvania, it is legal for a 16-year-old to marry, as long as they obtain parent consent. So, my 16-year-old cousins began getting married to people who were vulnerable and easy to manipulate into joining the cult. They immediately started having babies. Lots of babies. The army of Christ continued growing.

I felt very alone in this world. I did not fit in. I was pale, had black hair among blondes and light browns, was quiet and liked to read. I was bullied relentlessly by the other children and adults. Sometimes, my one aunt would make me play by myself, ten feet away from the other kids to "teach me a lesson" about whatever qualm she had. I had an undiagnosed learning disability, which made it very difficult for me to learn mathematics. This pitfall was used as justification for my inferior intelligence among the other children. "Stupid" was a nickname and insult I became accustomed to from the adults and other kids. I also became known as the fat kid in the group, along with my older sister and other female cousin. I was thin as a rail, but I believe "stupid" and "faggot" were not as exciting anymore, so "fat ass" was the newest insult. At eight years old I developed anorexia, started cutting myself and developed suicidal thinking.

I found little excitement in anything other than reading, animals, insects and my little sister. We were inseparable. She made everything okay. As long as I had her, everything was okay. She was my only friend. In 2021, she killed herself from untreated CPTSD from the abuse she endured in the cult.

My youngest brother has an IDD. He was born four months premature from all the mental and physical stress she went through during her pregnancy with him. She was beaten and berated the whole pregnancy. Miraculously, he survived after months in the hospital. Though, he was faced with cruelty and relentless harassment from everyone in the cult. After years of my parents speaking up, nothing was ever done to protect him. In 2011, my father had enough after a vicious attack on my brother. We left the group out of refusal to treat my brother better than they were. I am not sure what plan my father had going forward, but it was an impulsive decision. And probably the best decision he's ever made in his life.

As the months went by, we went back a few times, but left immediately each time. Finally, we left for good. From there, my dad began researching what had felt so wrong in him all these decades. From there, he learned about cults. We now had an understanding and something to work with. We moved away from the community and began our new lives. One of my aunts and uncles and their kids left a year before us, so we reconnected with them for support.

As the years passed, my parents enrolled us in school for the first time in our lives. A Christian school. My parents became Christians, as did we, and we began deconstructing and healing from the physical and mental torture we had survived. The road to healing has not been easy, we're still not there. We have no family but each other, few friends, a lot of trauma, mental illness and heartache. My family has been learning how to heal together, all while learning individually. My parent's and I's relationship resembles nothing of what it used to be. We are learning all together how to be a loving family, while learning to love ourselves.

My siblings and I have had to form an identity. Something we've never had before. Something that was stolen from us since birth. It is something that I believe is unique to second generation cult members. My parents, though they both grew up in adversity, had identities previously. Perhaps fractured identities, but identities, nonetheless. We did not have that opportunity. It is through experience and bravery that we explore who we truly are, and what we are capable of. That is something I wish to explore in this blog, the process of how I developed my identity, while sharing helping others do the same.

Thank you for taking the time to read an incredibly vague and brief history of my life. I hope you continue to come back and visit again - Sophia