inhershadow1018

[inhershadow1018]

Wish I could feel like this was true right now.

https://iglovequotes.net/

[inhershadow1018]

“You never forget. It must be somewhere inside you. Even if the brain has forgotten, perhaps the teeth remember. Or the fingers.”

— Neil Gaiman, Trigger Warning: Short Fictions and Disturbances

[inhershadow1018]

i don’t tell you how i feel because i already lost so many people who said they would stay in my life forever. i’ve trust issues. i’m afraid of losing more and more people. i don’t wanna lose anything anymore.

[inhershadow1018]

i think the person writing these headlines deserves a raise

[inhershadow1018]

Just wondering why it feels like the world is against me.

And why it never changes.

[inhershadow1018]

I get one of these every morning ❤️

https://iglovequotes.net/

[inhershadow1018]

Me toooooooo

life is really testing me lately

[inhershadow1018]

#jeffcitystrong

[inhershadow1018]

What happens to you when everything around you falls apart?

[inhershadow1018]

11.30.18

11.30.18

I really thought that I would have found more time to write sooner than this. But regardless, here I am again. Last Tuesday, the 27th of November, Max had his surgery. I was nervous as hell, and I think I probably bit his mom’s head off a million times because she kept asking me if I was okay, and if I needed anything. NO, I don’t need anything, NO I don’t want anything, NO I am not hungry, NO I do not want to go to the gift shop. NO NO NO NO NO.

This partially stems from the fact that I’ve not really grown up around medicine. No Hospitals, no doctors, and never any surgeries. If you had asked me when I was younger, I probably wouldn’t have known what you were talking about. I NEVER went to the doctor unless I was REALLY sick. In fact, the only time I really remember going to the doctor was when I had an ingrown toe nail. I didn’t even go immediately though. It progressively got worse, and worse, and even more worse. It ended up turning green, and swelling so badly that I couldn’t fit in most of my shoes. I didn’t want to wear socks, because if I did, by the end of the day it would be glued to my toe and I would have to rip it off like a band aid. Which would hurt, which would make me cry, and it would bleed. I told my mom about it so many times, and she never did anything about it. I should probably clarify that it was my step mom. We’ll get into the family story line sometime soon, don’t worry. I would show her every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and the only thing she ever told me to do about it was to soak my foot. Which is what a doctor will tell you to do, AT THE BEGINNING OF AN INGROWN TOE NAIL. Only mine was different. I had mine for several months, almost equaling a year. Every morning I would wake up, and It would look fine. It still hurt, and you could still see the ingrown nail, but it was pink and looked healthy. By the time I got to the end of the day, when I would get ready to go to bed, it would be green again. I had no clue how this was happening until one night I woke up in the middle of the night, and my dog, D.O.G, was licking my toe.

You know how dogs lick their wounds to heal them? That’s literally what he was doing. I only figured it out because he bit my toe one time and it hurt so bad it woke me up! Every time I would catch him doing this, I would make him stop. But it didn’t stop him from doing this until I woke up.

Finally one day, I was baby sitting, and horse playing with the kids. Somehow or another, a couch got dropped on my foot. DIRECTLY on my toe. I screamed, and sat down to pull my shoe off. I got the shoe halfway off, and could see the blood spreading on my white sock. I put the shoe back on so the kids wouldn’t see it, and I limped around for the rest of the night. I got home and decided that now would be a good time to tell my step mom, because something NEEDED to be done. I sat down at the table next to her, and told her that it was going to gross her out. I pulled my shoe off, pulled my sock off, and FINALLY got the reaction I needed to get. Wanna know why? Because my dad was there.

I went to the doctor and got my toenail removed. When it grew back, it was fine. But it did come back, and I had to get it removed again later. Not that y’all needed any dirty details, but there you have it.

I didn’t go to the doctor EVER.

So we’re sitting in the surgery waiting room, and I’m terrified because every show I’ve ever watched told me that there was going to be complications, and he wasn’t going to survive. We kept getting updates, saying that he was doing fine, and that he was ok, and that they were almost done, etc. I wouldn’t believe them, though. I needed to see him to believe that he was okay. From the time they put him under, to the time I saw him in his hospital room, I was a nervous wreck.

So he has his Chest Surgery, and he has the vest on. We are staying here in Kansas City until Monday, so he can have a follow up appointment with his surgeon, and get the vest off. I’ve decided that I’m going to be staying in the waiting room for that appointment. Not because I’m nervous or anything, but because his mom is here with us. I need to see him for the first time when we are alone. It’s a personal thing. I won’t think he’s ugly, I’m not going to leave him, but I don’t want to see the new him for the first time when we are around other people….

[inhershadow1018]

Sugar High - Part 7

Finally, right???? So, it’s been a while since I’ve written these two, it might be a little rough but I wanted to get this out there. AAAAaaAA I MISSED THIS AU

@cogwrites @golden-eyed-writer @lux-scriptum @theguildedtypewriter @avi-burton-writing @asttralhell @desiderii @jmlascar @christinawritesfiction @kira-desomma @alongftride @toothlessunicorn @panticwritten @persephones-crown @myself-after-midnight @sheralynnramsey @nadiawrimos @concerningwolves @purple-personal @bethwrotethis @forlornraven @sincerestaffect @priyaele @gettingitwrite @emorawrites @writerlyclaire @im-tryingtowrite @a-little-black-fox @idreamonpaper @gloriousdevourerofstories @elliewritesstories

As always, let me know if you want on the tag list or off. I won’t be hurt and I won’t ask questions if you want off the tag list :)

pt1. pt2. pt3. pt4. pt5. pt6 . pt7

Reed packed up his laptop at the end of his last lecture of the week, late Thursday afternoon. He’d been getting compliments on the new macbook since he first brought it to class, sometimes from people he’d never even spoken to before, and he told each one of them that it was a gift. Sure, it was a little bit of a brag, but he didn’t get to brag often. A couple of his closer classmates had even made jokes about a sugar daddy buying it, and each time he smiled and said ‘absolutely’, because the open honesty made it seem even more unbelievable than denying it.

Speaking of, he’d hardly heard from Tanner since Saturday. There were a couple texts here and there, one late-night phone call, a cat picture sent by Reed, and a gym selfie sent by Tanner - after much badgering and begging on Reed’s part, of course - but that was it. He was starting to worry he’d done something wrong but Tanner had always been adamant about honesty, and he hadn’t said anything.

Keep reading

[inhershadow1018]

So goes my story. I guess you could call this a prologue. It’s a pathetic one, but whatever. I don’t know how to handle my feelings. So this is sort of a diary. . . . It’s probably going to get really boring for you, but hey, you can stop reading at any time.

My life is pretty dull from the outside looking in. But on the inside? Well that’s a different story.

11.22.18

Today was Thanksgiving. Big food. Big gatherings. Lots of people. Lots of laughter. Lots of family. But mostly, lots of anxiety. But seriously, if you were to look up anxiety in a dictionary, I’m sure you would find a picture of me. Really big, in the middle of the page, over-sized glasses and all. ME. But really, that’s beside the point.

Work was good. For the most part anyways.  The girls did really well, until we made them clean up after themselves. We let them have a lazy day. They watched movies, colored at the table, and did make-up for a while. Fast forward to lunch time, when I’ve gotten most of the plates served, and I’m waiting for my clients to come to the table. One of them is in the bathroom trying to do her hair. She gets mad because she tried to do her hair in space buns….I have NO clue what those are…..she couldn’t do it, or it didn’t look good enough. And again, I don’t know what the big deal is, and I don’t understand why it matters, but to her, it does. I’ve told clients several times at this point to get their shit together and come to the table. (I definitely did NOT actually say “get your shit together”) I go to the bathroom to see what she’s doing because she’s grumbling and cursing under her breath-at least she thinks it’s under her breath anyways. I stand in the door way and realize that the reason she is grumbling and complaining is because she tried to use the tiny tiny tiny rubber bands in her hair and they got stuck when she was trying to do her “space buns.” This situation gets worse, but eventually, she does come to the table and eat a little. Then she throws a WHOLE tantrum because she can’t find her purse when she is supposed to be walking out the door. She asks me, and I tell her I don’t know. She gets mad that I don’t know, and started asking her peers. They didn’t know either. Wanna know where it was? Under her pile of shit in the living room. Yep. It’s ok though, don’t apologize to me, it’s fine.

Then another girl gets mad because she can’t wear her open toed shoes, because it’s been kind of cold out. She throws a whole fit and is obnoxiously rude to me and my house manager. No big deal, still.

Rewind until directly after lunch. One of them was falling asleep on the couch. I tell her she needs to sit up, and to please not have her feet on the couch. She had the hardest time listening to what I was saying though. I asked her to help me clean up the kitchen. She ignores me. I ask her to help me clean up again, and she ignores me. Eventually, she starts to walk away, and I again ask her to help me and her peers clean the kitchen and even though we’ve told her what we need help with, it’s the end of the world and she doesn’t know what to do. She also tells me that there isn’t anything for her to do. This situation escalates, and she begins screaming at my boss and I. She spends some time in her room, but every time we check on her, she doesn’t want to talk. Eventually, I’m able to worm my way in and I get her to open up. We talked for a little bit, and agreed on a plan of a few things for her to try to do when she becomes that upset. She was fine after that and we had no other issues.

We all made it down to dining hall for dinner prep. This lasted about 25 minutes before my shift was over.

I had to go to the store to get green olives. Well guess what, the store is closed. Why? BECAUSE IT’S THANKSGIVING, duh. So, I go to my mom’s without the olives, because I refuse to turn around and go to Walmart for them. Nope. Nope. NOPE.

I went to dinner, dinner was great. I really only care for the sweet potatoes and the ham gravy. But, I need the ham gravy OVER the sweet potatoes. That’s the only way it works.

We watched a movie after dinner, so we could let some food settle and then have dessert. We watched The Christmas Chronicles. It was a good movie. We ate pie. We came back in to finish up the movie, and that’s really where it all went south.

I get a lot of chain reaction thoughts, and most of them are catastrophically self destructive. Because, you know I was having an okay day, until this point. I thought about people dying (because someone in the movie had died). Then, I thought about people I knew that had died. Then, I thought about myself dying. Like not wanting to die, just being dead. Like, what the fuck happens when we die? Because I’m really not ready to never be able to see someone again, or to never be able to read again. Like what happens when you reach the end of your road? I can only hope that there is something like reincarnation.

I replayed this chain reaction on a loop in my head, over and over again. I worked myself up so badly that I panicked. I PANICKED. But I couldn’t tell anyone I was panicking, because I really couldn’t say anything out loud. The ONLY thing that is even making me feel the slightest bit better is that I’ll be dead, so if there isn’t anything after death, then I will just be completely oblivious. It won’t matter, because it’s not like I’m going to know that I’m dead right?

I seriously need to find some sort of religion or spiritualism that I can connect with.

This not knowing thing is really throwing me for a loop.

[inhershadow1018]

I need a really good cry. And then some hugs. Or maybe some hugs while I cry? Idk....I need something.

[inhershadow1018]

“When I look at you I see the only forever I want”

— @sixwordssayitall

[inhershadow1018]

“I don’t know if hope makes life easier or harder.”

— @sixwordssayitall (via sixwordssayitall)

[inhershadow1018]

“But even in her laughter there was something missing. She never seemed to be truly happy; she just seemed to be passing time while she waited for something else. She was tired of just existing; she wanted to live.”

— Cecelia Ahern, P.S. I Love You (via the-book-diaries)

[inhershadow1018]

Accurate

“Sometimes I keep my feelings to myself because it’s hard for someone else to understand them.”

— (via love-diaries)