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I've missed you for so long that in the end I made myself sick...in fact I should say "at some point" because this still isn't over. At some point I made myself sick over you. But I take back none of the love I gave.

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08/19/19

Oh how I miss you in completely selfish ways. The scent of your skin, its different now. The warmth of your skin and the way you pressed your little mouth against mine. Hungry hands pull me closer pull me in. My fingers knowing every inch of you. If it was sin it was the safest sin I've ever felt. But now, you go home to him and I battle intrusive thoughts that torment me and insist on wondering if you arch your back when he touches you the way I used to. They insist he's better than me in every way and I can't argue because I know it's true. I was just a stepping stone on your way to forever. Every inch of you that invited me in you tore down. There is no longer any indication that you used to be home. You saw to that.

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Reasons Not to Kiss Her

1) This kind of love isn't allowed and you would break the laws of nature.

2) Somewhere out there is a boy who claims to love you and he has put you on a pedestal and adored you like the ancient gods.

3) She doesn't love you

4) She will fall so headover heels for you that when it finally ends she will curl up and cry like her world is ending and in a way it is.

5) When it ends you will spend two nights in her car in the dark crying and begging her not to make you say it because the words required to end it physically wont come.

6) You will love her for the next 3 and a half years but only one of those will you call her yours.

7) You will break her heart but she will destroy yours.

Reasons To Kiss Her

1) She is the most beautiful creature you have ever seen and more than that...her soul called to yours and knew you before either of you had said a word. Your bodies must have been made from the same shooting star because there is no other explaination for how well you fit together.

(06/06/2019)

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The fact that I am not singing ABBA on a Greek Island wearing a Boho Chic orange skirt, platform heels, and a floppy hat while the world falls in love with me is criminal.

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I use to think I was like inkskinned, I had my share of promising prose, facing topics head on, grabbing them by their hands and interlocking our fingers and waltzing for the crowd, I spin them, dip them, for style points and self expression and the crowd cheered me on..I even believed it some days but I look up excepting to see chandeliers, gold fringe, champagne glasses, all I see is a leaky roof, solo cups and cobwebs..the crowd was more like two people, the rest filled by my imagination, don’t get me wrong, I cherish those two people, it’s just a little short of what I’d call success, it’s a sold out stadium vs a backyard open mic party, or whatever..I wanted to believe my work was one of a kind, putting my own spin on things and making it mine but not only that but making it well, I’m realizing I’m delusional now..I do still believe if your work is great, or even good, people will find it but me? My work? It’s gone pretty unnoticed, not entirely, but nearly and it must be because its neither great nor good and that’s where the difference lies between Jack Odyssey and Inkskinned, talent. I’m not cut from the cloth of anyone considered great, I’m a full, ratty blanket stuffed in a trash bag hidden in the back of your closet. That’s a funny metaphor considering I came out of the closet recently, I’m bisexual if you didn’t know but that’s beside the point. I thought, I hoped, I fucking dreamed these words would bring me salvation while simultaneously help me let out some of these heavy feelings weighing me down in this bottomless ocean we call living but it hasn’t, not like I wanted anyways I guess, I’m still a sad penniless lonely nobody

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i was loyal to a fault and you were that fault

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“I remember that one day in August, 6 whole years ago, when I was desperately waiting for you to text me. We’d been writing back and forth and for a week and it was the first day without a message from you. No matter how long I waited and how many times I unlocked my phone to stare at it, the text never came, and so I went to bed feeling defeated and a bit like an idiot who‘d misread the situation once again. Eventually I got too tired to entertain my lingering doubs and let sleep take me. I woke up in the middle of the night to thunder cracking across the sky, and I fumbled for my phone to check the time when I saw that I had a new message. A new message from you. It was 2:54AM and you asked me if I was still awake. Heart pounding in my chest, I sent back a single word: yes. You asked me if I‘d heard the thunderstorm, if it woke me up, and if I was scared. In all my life, I’d never been less scared. I wanted to ask you if you didn’t remember that one night when we witnessed a thunderstorm firsthand, standing on a balcony, shoulder pressed against shoulder, watching as lightning turned the sky white, listening as thunder shook the world. Catching the raindrops in our hair and in our eyelashes. There was electricity in the air, filling me from head to toe. After a while, I stopped watching lightning painting its bright path across the night sky and started watching you. I thought you‘d felt the same way. But I didn’t remind you of that night. It took me several minutes to reply. I was too worried you’d forgotten about that one moment I kept so close to my heart, it would never slip my mind. Instead I only answered „no, I’m not scared“. You texted back, saying I was the bravest person you knw, telling me you were absolutely terrified. A slow smile crept onto my face. I knew you were joking, but back then I also didn’t know that the days that followed would terrify me to no end. Would tear me to pieces and rip my heart out of my chest. But I know where you‘ve gone when you were taken from me. I believe it with every single inch of my being. You‘re up in the sky, dancing with lightning at your fingertips and the stars in your eyes, and thunder rolling in your veins. You’ll always be the brightest person I’ve ever met, the most exciting story I got to experience. You’ll always be the one I’d choose again, if only I had the chance.”

— you‘ll always be my thunder / n.j.

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Fuck...

i miss you and i make myself sick over it like i told my mother i was doing well but i’m listening to music about lost lovers and watching the rain fall and letting myself sink into it. what i mean is that yesterday if you’d asked me to come home to you i would have run out in the snow for you. what i mean is i can’t let myself let go of you.

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I have done things that I Am not proud of in any way but I try to pretend I am still a Half decent person and I Say I am Ok And I am..except when im not Which is when I am thinking about you And the way i broke you and it Wasnt beautiful like poetry claims Just messy and empty and In a way you broke me too Because.. I cant look at anyone without thinking of1 you.. Lets just get Really drunk and Forgive eachother And maybe one day I can Drown the poisonous “what ifs” in Vodka and you can drown your anger in Rum and another girl’s lips…

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I tried to lose her in the liquor. I tried to lose her when she’s already lost. The memory of her though, it’s stayed, it stayed, it stayed. It won’t ever leave me be. I tried to lose her in the arms of another. But I lost my self control before I could. And the tears came, they came, they came, they came. They wouldn’t stop. I’ve tried to lose the girl I’m not yet ready to let go of. And now my cheeks are streaked and my head is pounding. And she’s gone, but she’s still here.

you left, so please just leave. (via poison–ivy)

Ow. Im her and that feels ike shit.

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You were thirteen, lying on her bed swearing you’d be best friends forever. Nowadays you barely talk. Nowadays you pass each other with your heads shoved down, like strangers who are scared to make a noise. The inside of her bedroom is no longer pastel pink; she no longer wears her hair long. You can’t remember the exact moment you stopped sharing secrets, all you know is you no longer know her favourite song. You can’t remember the exact moment things changed, or whether there was an exact moment at all. But these days you pass each other in the corridors and thirteen year old you wonders what went wrong.

S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #279  // “We were so close, now we’re like strangers.” (via blossomfully)

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dance parties. and confetti. you look like a collateral mess of stars.  and i don’t know your name. but you should fall in love with me anyways.

Love, Em // Across the Room (via scribblingwithstardust)

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i. you don’t tell her about the briar patch of your bloodstream because tonight she is mourning the end of her first relationship. so you don’t mention it.   ii. well, you would have told him, but he is dealing with the divorce of his parents and you’re good at listening and he’s really sweet for letting you try to help him.   iii. all these broken pieces would just hurt somebody to clean up so it’s better to stay silent than to admit your howling violence.   iv. if the darkness swallows you, who would even notice?   v. you would have told her. you would have told her. she’s so nice. she said she wants to help you.   vi. well, you would have. but isn’t that manipulative?   vii. you are so good at caring for others and keeping all your wounds covered. you are so good at drowning quietly, you’ve made it into an art. you are so good and you’re falling apart.

You think of other people and never share your troubles, even if all the while it’s killing you inside. // r.i.d (via inkskinned)

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i miss you and i make myself sick over it like i told my mother i was doing well but i’m listening to music about lost lovers and watching the rain fall and letting myself sink into it. what i mean is that yesterday if you’d asked me to come home to you i would have run out in the snow for you. what i mean is i can’t let myself let go of you.

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Brown eyes are just brown eyes, until you love someone with brown eyes.

Everything about you is just perfect // N.A.A 12:08am (via verystrangehomo)