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(Thin)secure

So it’s basically midnight & there’s something I’ve been thinking about really hard.... I’ve been overweight practically my whole life & I’ve hated it deeply. I’ve been bullied, teased, & afraid to just live in my own skin for the most part. I hate going places alone because I feel like everyone is looking at me. I hate wearing clothes because it’s jist uncomfortable & I feel like nothing fits right. You would think that with the misery my body has brought me it would have motivated me to get this together, but everyday it is a struggle. I’m realizing though that I think I’m actually afraid to lose weight. Like, I have so much anxiety surrounded around being thin. Maybe it’s because being big has been apart of me my whole life. Like it’s apart of my identity. I worry so much about how I’m gonna look, how will people treat me, how will I feel? I’m standing in my own way. I have the tools to be successful & I have lost big amounts of weight, but then I gain it right back. I never go all the way & now my question becomes how do I block that out so I can get my weight together? How do I stop worrying about what doesn’t matter & just focus on my health? 😞 Sigh.....

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to the one who held me back: my ankles burn from the rope that you’ve tied around them but i haven’t stopped walking, have i? this is what happens when you tell me  i’m not good enough. (i prove you wrong.)

shelby leigh (via nothingwithoutwords)

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Realistic Thoughts

So, I haven’t posted anything in a while & as my wedding day is rapidly approaching & my body is still the opposite of snatched, there’s something I wanted to talk about. Body image. I’ve been on the heavy side for a while now. & I definitely have had some battles with it. I’ve hated my body to put it bluntly & ever since my fiancé & I got engaged two years ago it has been my mission, more like obsession to lose the bulge. I began taking it more serious last September when I sought out my aunt (who is a trainer & nutritionist) for assistance. It was tough, but I lost about 30 pounds & a lot of inches. I was on cloud nine. I finally felt like my years of this battle was coming to an end until..... Life happened. For anyone who has tried to diet I’m sure you all know it’s more mental than anything. So many things was causing stress in my life that I abandoned everything I had worked for & now here I am. 7 weeks away from my big day w/ that 30 pounds back packed on my ass. To say I feel defeated is an understatement, but I also feel embarrassment & anger towards myself. Thinking, “If I had just stayed on track from September up until now, I would’ve probably been at my goal.” While I know I can’t change the past it still frustrates me at times, but I also had to realize some things. 1) I didn’t gain the weight over night so I certainly won’t lose it over night although that would be very cool & convenient lol & 2) that weight loss is a process. For some people it takes years to figure out what methods work for them. So, I made a decision....from this point forward I’m going to stop obsessing over losing weight. I’m gonna stop putting pressure on myself to be stick skinny in a certain time frame. The important thing is starting somewhere & continuing to push forward despite the moments of weakness or being stagnant. I’ve recently started going back to therapy which for someone like me who enjoys eating as a comfort from all my stresses, is necessary. I’ve been using food to mask my pains & run from reality. It’s the way I cope & unfortunately is the reason why I’m sitting here w/ some extra jiggle to my walk lol. However, as they say, admittance is the first step. Hi, my name is Tori & I suffer from food addiction. I have a compulsive eating disorder & this is something I’m just ready to stop hiding. This is apart of the healing process. I developed this when I was very young & it has stuck w/ me through all these years. The only way I can be successful through this journey is by starting to really uncover the underlying issues from over time. So far I’m very pleased w/ how therapy is opening my eyes. & I think my “diet” days persay are over. This is a lifestyle change & it’s gonna take some time & im learning to be ok w/ that. With my big day 7 weeks away, I decided to set a goal for myself of 15 pounds. That’s it. Something small & obtainable. That’s literally like 2 pounds a week. No pressure :) This is the biggest day of my life & worrying about my weight as taken away so much of my joy about this day & that’s not right. Fuck it! I’m bigger, yes, but I’m gonna look marvelous. Makeup, hair, nails, everything laid lol. & my dress is out of this world! Rather I’m this size or two sizes smaller, the point is that I’m marrying the man of my dreams & I’m gonna have a great time w/ all of our loved ones. That’s all that matters. In time, I’ll be where I want to be body wise, but for now, I have to love myself as I am & never give up.

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No Place Like You

Did you & God have a secret conversation I knew nothing about? How where we've ended up I would've never imagined but somehow I think you always knew. You fit into my grooves. You've been able to do what no man was able to & that's love me. Rather I thought it was my fault for being too much of something or just the fact that I worked well under pressure & taming an emotionally unavailable man would've been like check mate. Either way, you're here. & every memory of what hurt or tasted like disappointment is washed clean. I can tell your energy was made for cleansing. Sensing, a long time ago that you were something I may have needed. But guilt & undeserved loyalty didn't allow me to feel it, until I was busting at my seams & couldn't hide Wat most would describe as fate. Nothing that pride, & past, nor hate could block away. We overcame literally everything designed to not allow such a story to prevail. People who became friends that began feeling more, afraid to become more because sometimes love shows ugly faces through the mirror of ourselves. I hope you don't mind, but after all this time I still talk to God about you. How loving you has made me a better woman without getting too personal. About how I've already experienced the insides of your sins, but we love you enough to scale back for a while. To understand where the heights of love can take you without sex. I can dream about you touching me every time I close my eye lids & I did & still do love those thoughts of you. Coming inside, making our bodies one in secret telling a story in our own lil language through moans & heavy sighs & I cum every time. But for now as we wait on that day in the crisp Fall, I'll indulge fully in your warm breath on my back. Who wouldn't love that? I tell God that I'm thankful for your patience. I'm thankful that he didn't let me give up on love. I may be a lil loud, maybe dramatic, I may be damaged goods as they say, but I've got a big heart with even better intentions to match. I'll stay by your side in thick & give you my last. So what? Niggas have played me before, congratulations. Through those trials & tribulations I came out winning, finding a man that wants to share forever with me. Loving me flaws & all & all I wanna do is let him. Going through hell to get to this was worth it. So worth it.

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Abstinence: The road to marriage

So, I’m getting married. (it’s still weird to hear myself say that sometimes lol) I guess because I’ve wanted to be married since I was a little girl & I never thought it would happen given my poor attraction to “unavailable” men. 

Anywho, my fiance and I have been together for 3 & a half years now & like many couples we have been sexually active. Back in October when I met with my pastor whom will also be performing our wedding ceremony, the question of sex of course came about.

He asked me, “Are you guys sexually active?” & I replied “Yes”. He then asked me if we had thought about not having sex anymore until we got married & it is something that had crossed my mind from time to time. 

The conversation between my fiance had taken place once or twice, where we clearly didn’t feel like resisting our desires to do the horizontal shuffle. I had never been in love before & I enjoyed expressing it on such a deep level.

I felt more connected to him that way & I feel like it brought us closer, but then I thought about it... how much more special would this act be if we really did stop until we got married? Truth be told, I always wanted to wait til I was married to have sex, but then, as you all know, life happens lol. 

My pastor proposed that my fiance & I try to go 90 days without sex. NINETY DAYS. 9.... 0! I thought, wow! that’s a long time & we’ll probably go crazy lol, but honestly it has been a liberating experience. It has allowed us to grow closer together on so many different levels. 

It has allowed us to focus on other aspects of our relationship & recognize that intimacy has so many different faces. We’ve had several conversations where we do see what a difference it has made. 

Now, I won’t lie. It’s hard. Very hard. Some days are worst than others, but we’re getting through it together. It’s also strengthening our respect for one another in the sense that we’re not tempting each other where things can possibly go south. 

Another key thing is communication. We talk about our feelings & that’s very important. It’s ok to express to each other that we want each other or that we’re having a bad day; “bad day” meaning we want to rip each other’s clothe’s off & get to a long, hot love making session. Talking through it helps. 

It’s been about 4 months now since we have become abstinent & our plan is to continue on this path until September 23, 2018 when we will become husband & wife. I am definitely proud of this journey we are on, more importantly really coming to appreciate the positive changes it is having on us.

But.... for anybody that wants to embark on such a journey, prepare yourself for the fact that it is hard & it takes much effort. It’s a daily thing, trust me. 

As long as you respect each other, communicate with each other, & really ponder on your reasoning for such a decision, like the deep reason & what you hope it will do for you & your relationship you’ll be fine. 

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Shoutout to my fiancé for always putting a smile on my face.

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This here is me doing what I do, laying down, scrolling through social media lol. While to me this picture doesn't show me looking my best, what I like about it is that it shows my fiancé's admiration of me. You will often find him sneaking candid shots of me (which I sometimes hate especially if my face isn't beat or my hair isn't done lol), but it's a warm reminder that at any state he finds me attractive. Thank you for seeing my beauty always, even sometimes when I don't. @bigbear.oncampus ��️

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life cleansing tips:

- delete conversations between people you no longer talk to. its healthy to let go of the past and not letting yourself dwell on things.

- say kind things about people you like. say good things about yourself. don’t speak or think about people you don’t like.

- look in mirrors. you shouldn’t be afraid of facing yourself.

- clean sheets make clean sleep make clean minds

- allow yourself time to feel and grow. don’t be too hard on yourself for crying, you need to vent in order to move on to better times. even rainy days work towards sunny days.

- if things don’t work out, stop forcing them. there’s no reason for you to keep working and failing if there’s other places/people for you to excel and be happy.

- kiss your body, caress your body. make yourself feel loved.

- running away doesn’t always solve everything. sometimes, the reason that made you run will still be with you. focus on freeing yourself before starting anew.

- a glass of water and a good nights rest can go a long way

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Freewrite #1: Where Hearts Go To Die.

When you pray to God to send you someone, know that they won’t be perfect.

Know that some nights will be filled with doubt. Not whether or not you should be with this person, but if you deserve them.

Asking yourself if all the constant heart breaks really prepared you for this moment or are you in too over your head. 

Have you finally sobered your thoughts enough to stop the reoccurring dream where your heart was led to die?

The poison those on the outside looking in spit at you, convincing you that the tiniest thing is recipe for disaster. 

That because he don’t like to clean or can’t sing that well though I step into my shower and perform, he’s no good. 

What is perfection, anyway? When your toes could be crooked and I’ve got permanent lighting strikes in my skin telling the world I’ve grown too fast. 

Why does it mean we won’t last? Why do they make up these unrealistic expectations then pet us on the head and tell us “you’re ok” when we break down?

I’ve had those moments, now wondering do I deserve him. Do I deserve to witness such a triumph? 

A flower bloom from no soil and a day’s worth of water and sunlight.

Someone plow through the darkness and let God at the end of the tunnel smile on them. 

When you ask God, that someone may be no good to someone else. Someone who is not strong enough to trust in a process.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. I didn’t find you on the first try. And if I had let my heart go to that place, where bitterness nurtures it, then abandons it and leaves it there to die,

I wouldn’t have the feeling of butterflies dancing on my skin everyday of my life. I wouldn’t bringing that one dream to reality.

Marrying my best friend. Walking hand in hand through this life of sin.

Never tasted so sweet. 

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