insideinsights

[insideinsights]

A Dreamer's Self-Reflection

I still remember the time when I dreamed about being a programmer - a really, really good programmer. That was it. I was still very young at the time and I dreamed about making applications and cool stuff with computers. It just felt so nice to already have a dream at that age. I mean, probably anyone who has experienced such thing felt the same way, too.

During the past few years, I discovered all sorts of new things that also sparked interest in myself. Eventually, I found myself investing my time in other activities and hobbies that made me feel good. One day came when I just realized that I was already having these big dreams; these dreams fueled my will and desire to succeed, creating a stronger fire inside my heart that keeps my passion burning.

I was dreaming big. I wanted to be a software developer. I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to speak five (or more) languages fluently. I wanted to create a startup and build my own business from scratch. I wanted to travel the world and meet new people. I wanted to be the founder of a non-profit organization that protects the environment. I wanted to write and share my stories to other people. I wanted to speak to the world and share my insights to inspire, to hopefully make the world a better place. I wanted to change the world and leave a legacy on this planet. I wanted to achieve them all - but those dreams seemed too big and impossible to achieve.

It all comes down to this one, simple dream I had when I was younger. I wanted to be a programmer. Just looking back on those times made me realize how much my dreams have grown, how much I've grown. I was a big dreamer. I am. It feels so enthralling to be able to experience an entirely different world whenever you visualize your dreams. You're dreaming things that are bigger than you. It's like a fantasy you won't ever be able to experience.

Thinking about this now made me realize that it doesn't seem so impossible. Once you start doing something, you realize just how much you are able to progress. Those small moments of success played an important role in staying determined to reach my goals. My dreams were starting to become a reality because I started doing. And that feeling is probably the best feeling I have ever had, and will ever have. 

Here I am right now, learning new skills and practicing as a part of my daily habits. I started about four months ago, and I'm happy to know that even though I'm still at a beginner level in most of my newly-acquired skills, I made significant progress. From knowing nothing at all to being able to apply what I've learned in my daily life - for me, today, it feels so good to know that I'm slowly but surely reaching my goals and dreams. And that will apply for anyone else, too. It may be hard but I know it's never impossible. I've experienced a lot of hardships and stressful moments but I know that I'm getting something greater and more meaningful for myself and for other people.

By the end of this year, I will look back at this and see just how much I've improved - not only in my skills, but also in myself. That's five more months but we're getting there. I'll try learning as much as I can and use that to create something bigger than myself.

I hope that this would be a reminder to never give up on your biggest dreams, even though they seem impossible to achieve. Nothing is ever impossible, and with the right amount of dedication, passion, and hard work, the day will come when you realize that you have already been successful. Whether that may be achieving great progress within a short period of time, or achieving little progress within a long period of time - it doesn't matter as long as you continue to let that fire burn inside you. Make it burn until you feel a spark that keeps you going, that won't ever make you stop anytime. Dream big. Once you see youself in that vision of living your dreams, it will someday become a reality. Even if other people pull you down or tell you how ridiculous your dream is, why bother? As they say, dream big that everyone calls you crazy - because no dream is ever too big or impossible to achieve.

[insideinsights]

When Will I Ever Be Found?

As the days go by

I still find myself lost

Here in this deep space

Waiting to be found

~

If I could see what's above me

If I could hear voices around me

If I had company

Then I wouldn't be so lost as I am right now

~

Will I ever be found?

Will my voice be heard by one,

One who truly understands

And knows how I feel?

~

When will the time come

When I'll never be guided by fears

And never be sleeping with tears?

When will the time come?

~

When will I be free

Of worry, doubt, and misery?

Of sleepless nights

And constant anxiety?

~

When will the time come

When I'll no longer seek comfort

When I'll realize I'm not alone

And most importantly,

When I'll ever be found?

[insideinsights]

When Will The Sun Rise?

Sometimes, I can't help but keep reminiscing the past. Whether it's early in the morning when everyone else is about to wake up or late at night when everybody else is already peacefully asleep, I can't help but let my thoughts run through my mind endlessly. It's a pain that I am unable to sleep well because of this, but I find it comforting to look back and just let my feelings be when it's all quiet.

When I try to look back, I either feel sad or happy. Most of us probably do, right? There are memories of pain and suffering, but there are also pleasant memories which make up most of what we choose to remember. But pain lingers sometimes, and joy can be forgotten; it's a harsh and inevitable truth. While I may have a deep relationship with my feelings, reminiscing triggers an unpleasant whirlwind of emotions that I can't control. 

Five years ago seemed like months ago, and it's true that time flies so fast when you don't notice it. I remember just being myself, not worrying about anything and living my life like there's no tomorrow. I remember enjoying the present and being truly satisfied with my life. All I could ask for then was for me to continue living like that. I was naive and oblivious to what was going on around me; I probably didn't even bother a bit. I didn't have a phone, only watched television, played outdoors with my friends, and most of all, had a life.

In all those past years, I never realized what was to come five years later. Don't get me wrong, I'm still fairly young, but it feels as if I've already ruined my entire life. I feel helpless right now - miserable if that's more appropriate. I know what's causing me to feel this way but I'll just have to accept it and continue living my life. I still have regrets and it hurts for me to know that I've been enthusiastic about growing up. It hurts that the future I've waited for is the time that made me hurt the most. And now I'm here, longing for the sense of comfort and familiarity that I once had. I am unsure if the day will come, that day when all of this just becomes a part of my journey in life. I fear the uncertainty, but the thought of the dawn makes me feel relieved that this isn't at all permanent. 

When the sun starts to shine through the blinds, it is certain that another day is about to come.

[insideinsights]

Our Wants: A Short Insight

Do I want a simple and comfortable life? Or do I want to have a life that's more "expensive"? This is a question I have been asking myself repeatedly. Probably you, who is reading this right now, also has this important question. Judging by my perspective of life, I see it as something that's meant to be lived fully. And by how that sounds, for me, it's about trying everything I possibly could and travel the world and experience a lot of things. But that does require quite a lot of money, right? 

If given the chance to be completely honest with myself, I would describe myself as someone who is quite materialistic who always has at least something to want. I'm also that type of person who dreams about earning a lot and spending a lot for my endless wants - and needs, of course. I'm that person who dreams of having a very comfortable life by having a nice house and other material belongings that will give me a good amount of satisfaction. I mean, don't we all think this way sometimes?

To start, there's this notion that being materialistic is not a good thing. Yes, it could cause greed and selfishness, but that's not always the case for some people. Now, what I want to emphasize is that it's okay to want things. It's okay to buy stuff for ourselves from time to time if it makes us feel good. It's okay to want for more or to be rich. I've learned that this is just how I (and others, too) want things to be, and it's not necessarily ungrateful and selfish - and here's why:

I've learned to be grateful for all the little things. As I continue to grow as a person, I slowly make realizations about what's truly important in life and understand that the most important things in life are the most priceless ones.

I have big goals and dreams. I know that I have to strive to get what I want, and that difficulty isn't going to stop me from reaching my dreams. If I want something, then I should know and consider the efforts that I'll have to do in order to get that. In short, my desired "happiness" comes with a price, and I must know that price, and;

I will live my life the way I want it to be; but I will never forget my values. These values are what make us wonderful people. And these values are of utmost importance in living through every single day. Our values mean a lot to us because these are the basis of our actions. Basically, these values are the reason why we choose to live like this - and be our true, authentic selves while living a life that serves a purpose, gives us meaning, and makes us feel happy and content.

In conclusion, it's not always bad to "want" for more. It's not always greedy to want a lot of things, especially when you have a good cause for it. If you want to live simply, live simply. If you want to strive for more, then it's okay. It's just a matter of knowing what we want in life, while doing and remembering what truly gives our lives meaning and purpose.

[insideinsights]

[scattered thoughts]

Today is just like every other day. But there's something different about today that just...bothers me. I acknowledge the fact that I have tried my best to keep sane during times like this. I'm always trying to be positive and hopeful, but it seems like nowadays, that doesn't help anymore. For once in my life I've never felt so miserable by just being myself.

I feel sorry. I am not sure of whom or what I am sorry for but it's like this. I cannot fully understand nor explain what has come to mind. I feel sorry. The day will come when I'll regret this a lot, and soon I'll come back to this, hopefully with peace of mind.

...

[insideinsights]

A part of a past journal entry I wrote...

"Sometimes, I would just cry because I feel like crying. It helps a lot, and even if I'm alone, it's what helps me remove that feeling in my heart. Whenever I cry, I feel much more relieved and everything just feels so light. It's amazing because who knew that having tears is a good way to escape reality for a while? It's like your friend during tough times. It's like a feeling of being freer than you used to be. And that feeling of freedom lets you see reality in a much better way. A more positive way. Those tears weren't just...tears. A lot more goes into those. There will always be a reason for tears, and for whatever reason that may be, it surely gives you some kind of relief.

I feel so exhausted. This unending pressure of making myself strive to be the best is just...exhausting. It's so exhausting that I just want to break down and run away from all of this. I feel like a loser. As childish as that may sound, that's just exactly what I feel about myself. I feel worthless? I feel hurt. I want to be better and become successful in life, but life is hard. Life, for some, is a never ending race of who gets to win and who gets to be the loser. And that's what it looks like to me right now. I feel that I'm constantly pressuring myself to compete with others. Everybody else is doing a lot better than me. My friends are getting better at their passions, other acquaintances are doing well on theirs too. Some people are being productive in this time of crisis; that didn't stop them from doing what they want to do. They're all happy with what they're doing. Of course, I'm also happy for them, especially my friends! I'm inspired to do the same and right now, I'm also doing something I love!

But you know what? I don't feel happy. I feel as if I have to do this just because others are doing so. I feel pressured that I have to keep up with this fast pace that I can't even catch up. As I'm learning and practicing, it still doesn't feel enough. I've definitely learned a lot of things during this quarantine. I've become productive each day. But I still feel inadequate. Others are progressing, but me? Well, I've made some progress, but it gets harder and harder to learn and acquire a new skill. Maybe I'm just too dumb to learn. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this? Is this even for me? All these thoughts keep filling my head for days. It's like a threat that won't stop. I'm constantly feeling anxious just because I'm not making any progress as of the moment.

As much as I hate to say this, I feel quite jealous of others. It just makes me question myself things that are absurd and selfish. I know that we all go with our own pace in life, but I feel too weak and vulnerable and small. I feel hopeless and helpless. I feel all alone and ignored by the world. I feel pessimistic. But even though it's like this right now, will I quit? Definitely not.

I have yet to understand that life is not a race. Life is not something I should take for granted. Life is not whether I'll end up making a six-figure salary at a job I'm willing to do, right? I still have a lot to understand, but as of the moment I think I'm slowly getting it. I'm starting to understand and accept that life is never easy. Life either gives you something sweet, bitter, tasteless, sour, whatever it may be. But it's important to know that life always gives you something. I'm too young to truly understand the meaning of life fully, but I'm slowly but surely getting it. Maybe all these years I just wanted to be truly happy. If I could move on and throw away all my worries, I'd be happy.

Lastly, life is life. It is what it is and no one could ever change it. But you know what could change? You. Me. You can change yourself. I can change myself. All for the better."

[insideinsights]

2:34 a.m.

You know, sometimes we feel bad about ourselves for not being “good enough”, right? I think all of us do, from time to time. It’s tough to experience this seemingly endless loop of telling yourself you’re not good enough, having distressing thoughts, and just downright degrading yourself. 

I, too, am a constant victim of this. Every night, I can’t help but start to think of things that negatively impact my self-esteem. I hate the fact that I’m always like this, and honestly I want to try my best to have a better mindset. I currently feel that I can’t do any better. As much as I want to continue living, I don’t want to live a life full of hardships and sadness. Thinking about life now just makes me want to end this suffering completely.

But I can’t. I know that life is and will always be full of hardships, but it’s hard to deal with something like this every day. I don’t like the fact that even though every day is a new blessing, there can be something unwanted to expect. But I am only human. I am not perfect, but I know I can always better myself.

If anyone feels the same way too, I just wanted to say that it’s okay. We all do sometimes, and feelings like this are not invalid. It takes some time and patience to fully understand how we feel, and most of all, it takes a lot to be honest in expressing how we feel. I hope you know, to anyone reading this, that I’m proud of you because you are human.

[insideinsights]

Friendships

At this very moment, I’m thinking about many things. I don’t know if these thoughts are making me happy, or if they are bringing me a feeling that’s unexplainable yet too familiar. But all I know is that, I’ve felt this peculiar feeling before, no doubt.

To start, I have a lot of friends - some of them I’ve met at school, some of them I’ve met at home, and some I’ve met online. They were always there for me during the times I needed strength and comfort. They were there during the times I wanted to feel happy. They were just, there...even if they weren’t always physically beside me. They gave me things I didn’t know I needed, and they’ve taught me a lot of lessons I didn’t know were there to be learned. They weren’t perfect, but they were just themselves, and that’s just how I needed them to be. Basically, my life wouldn’t be as it is today if I hadn’t met them. 

I’m writing this because I feel that...I haven’t been like them in a way? I don’t feel enough to be their friend, and honestly, I’ve never felt enough all my life. To this day, I still wonder why my friends are my friends, and I keep asking myself a lot of things. Why do they like me? What makes me qualify to be their friend? Why do they trust me? What did I do to make them feel close to me? And in the same way, why do I feel close to them? I certainly have a lot of questions, but I’ll probably never expect an answer. All I know is, that’s just how it is. 

That’s just how friendships work. You don’t really think about it, you feel it. Even if you thought about it, it only stays because of how you feel. And you’ll know when it feels just right. And that feeling is what keeps you longing for them no matter where you go or no matter what you do. 

I feel this way right now because I care for them, a lot. Occasionally, when I have no one to talk to, I feel this way. Maybe this is why I keep longing for them. It’s painful to think that one day, we’ll part ways. It’s scary to think that there might come a day when I’m left all alone, existing without these people who have made me who I am today. It hurts me the most when I know that I’m unsure of what’s to happen, and I still find it difficult to accept that nothing in life is permanent. I don’t like to feel this way, but apparently this feeling is what makes me want to cherish friendships even more. Because of this feeling, I’ve learned how to feel sincerely. I’ve learned how to feel with my heart, and not with what I fear. I’ve come to realize that even though reality feels like misery, I have to continue, accept, and move on. 

Right now, all I can do is live. All I can do is love, care, give, and forgive. I want to live a life without regrets, and I can only do that when I start cherishing what I have at this moment. The people surrounding me make me feel complete, and that’s all I need. I want to do the same too, to fill in the void that makes them feel incomplete. I want them to live a life wherein life feels just like a breeze. I want them to live a life that teaches them how to feel sincerely. I want them to live a life without regrets, a life full of joy that makes them feel free. 

I want to be a part of another feeling that only they can feel, because I want them to be happy. And when they feel that certain feeling, they’ll feel something that is worth sharing. And I believe that, in turn, is what will truly make me happy.

[insideinsights]

Lost

Here I am, lost

I don’t know what to think

What to do

What to feel

~

It’s hard

Life is hard...sometimes

Maybe all the time?

I don’t know

~

All my thoughts keep spiraling

My head buzzes, aching as I think

My heart withers, stinging at the feeling

That I don’t know how to describe

~

I could only feel

Think

Try

And ache

~

As I go deeper and deeper

I’d make a mistake 

Of knowing what’s not

And not knowing what to know

~

It only aches

And aches

And aches

Until it’s no more

There are times when we feel lost, broken, and unwanted, and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel that way sometimes because we’re all human anyway.

[insideinsights]

What Really Matters

As a young person, I know that I still have a lot more to learn and encounter. I’ve always thought about how my future would turn out or what I would be doing when I grow up. Even until now, I still do worry a lot, but I came to write because I had a lot of sudden realizations.

Everyday, I worry about what career I should have, what things I have to study, what type of life I want, and even what type of house I should have in the next ten years - every single day that I still worry even while I’m watching a good show or playing my favorite game. Every single day I waited, and waited, and waited for the future to come - and only did the same when it came. It only bothered me, blinding me of what’s in front of me right now.

When I started scrolling through my gallery randomly, I just remembered that I had this album full of pictures with my friends, family, or what I call, my loved ones in life. It was filled with photographs of the happiest moments I’ve ever experienced. But you know what was even more interesting to me? It was the fact that almost all of those pictures had people in them. It made me realize that life is somehow about people and connections. The smiling faces had stories. And those are the stories I would never choose to forget. 

Those memories made me realize that during those times, I didn’t worry and was just...living. I was living at the moment that I didn’t even have time to worry about anything. And I think that is how life should really be. While we are alive, it’s best to make the most out of it. Rather than worrying about tomorrow, next week, or next year, it’s better to live at the moment. Take a walk outside, send a message to your friends, have a nice meal with your family, or watch movies with your siblings. Even the simplest things matter a lot. Really. 

Lastly, they say that most people don’t regret the things they have done, but rather the things they didn’t do. Do the things you really want to do. Get that pet you wanted or join that club you really wanted to be a part of. Do what excites you and at the same time, it’s great to do what scares you. After all, we are given every day to live, right? And let’s not waste that given opportunity. There’s no better time to start living than NOW. And now is the time to be happy.