insulinuser-blog

[insulinuser-blog]

Finding Joy

While it rains outside my husband and I eagerly await for the school bus to pick up my charming step son. Who is explaining to me how he is going to enjoy the surprise of not knowing of what they are going to do at school today. He is eager to see his friends and as soon as he is finished telling us the bus arrives. He kisses each of us on the cheek and speeds out towards the bus. My husband who loves all things corgi dogs, batman, stars wars, and ghosts. He isn't having the best morning. He keeps having nightmares and his depression matched the weather. Dark grey, warm rain and a brisk chill swirling in the air. While myself, Im enjoying the moment I have with my family. For me, this life I have is not guarenteed forever but I hold onto the small moments. Ones like this. We are listening to Blue October which my step son started to love on his own accord. My husband says it is helping him through his feelings. We drove to work together and I enjoy the dark grey sky and spring like rain. It was warm enough to where a like jacket was the only thing needed. Its peaceful. He is upset but kind words was enough to help him feel a little bit more joy.

I honestly dont know why but this rain brings me to my happiest spaces. Joy can be found in the grey-est places. Where do you find your joy?

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I love my cute little wine glass. Certainly needed it tonight. Had a long day with dealing with my diabetes. Its like having child who vomits when you really cant call out of work but have too anyways. You gotta take care of it so things dont get worse. #t1d https://www.instagram.com/p/Br6kDDAFnyLwfXLDpXgdNg6fIXoRKdax-lP7oE0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=9ikw5t6atxyb

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The Year of the Pump

I have honestly been on a long road. One that scares many. I get a million questions over when people see me vulnerable. My life was always hanging on a thread. Something I had always known. Which was depressing but I made peace with. Problem was I was too afraid of change to even realize there were other options for me to thrive. I was 21 when I recieved my first fitbit. I realized how useful and informative it was. I then started wondering why I didnt have one for my diabetes. It was also the same year I had EMTs visit my home.

Before they came to resisitate me. I was fuzzy all over and I couldnt move all too well. I could barely see anything. It was as if the lights had been dimmed. It was blurry and even my toung and head went numb. My speech was slurred and the first thing the EMT lead said "youre still awake?" I basically gave them full control and he made my husband get supplies for instances like this.

It was the 1st time my husband saw how close the Grimm Reaper and I are to one another. He looked at me like the rest of my family did. I didnt like it.

My family was concerned. I had just started with a new dr that year. He introduced to me the Dexcom. I resisted at first. He eased my concerns and then a whole year later after dragging my feet. After struggling with bringing my numbers down. I recieved my first dexcom.

My A1c was drastically better. I stopped eating certain things. I started noticing the nuances of when my body reacts to glucose. The different types of foods and what it does. I got it all. Into my phone. The best device into my phone.

I even noticed when I was about to start my period and how insulin resistant I am a few days before it hits. It has even helped my marriage. It made my blood sugar tangible to my husband. He finally understood what was going on with me. He got it. All of my arguments with him over my behavior when low and high vanished. I also worked on my end to recognize when my behavior was altered. It was a game changer.

Several years later, I also started to notice something. My blood sugar (outside of my period week) has this weird thing at night called the dawn effect. It reaches the 300s like it is nothing. I tried everything for it. Some nights are better than others but consistently high while I sleep. I have had an occasional string of days where Im low in the AM but only during my period. I assume it has to deal with my hormones.

My next conquest, is an insulin pump. Something that would have destroyed me 14 years ago. To help curve the effects of Dawn. I will be embarking on a new adventure in hopes that I will have an extra layers of control.

This next chapter of my life. Is one I will conquest in 2019!

The year of the Pump

[insulinuser-blog]

Depression and Small Victories

 I have gotten further into my book than I ever thought possible. I am teaching piano lessons to my stepson, and we are both enjoying the experience. Granted, I will only be able to get him to a certain point in his education but I can at least get him started. I am deep into my studies now matter how much I want to throw the computer out the window. I’m already shedding pounds I have gained; but for some reason, my mental health has gone at the wayside. 

I am going through some changes. My sister was born over the summer. My fish died last week, my oldest of my younger sisters just moved to college. These are changes that were bound happen but very stressful all the same. More so than I thought. 

I have stopped exercising on a regular basis just because I stand/ move a lot at work. I haven’t been cleaning as much. Even though we know its a bunch of excuses to pile up. My nighttime blood sugars have sucked and not let me sleep. I also stopped coloring and now that I’m writing this all down it is starting to make sense of my depression winning over me more intensely these days. Wonderful...

Just remember it is okay to be emotional. It is okay to feel like that world is out to get you. It is okay to feel like you need to hide in a corner. Its okay to feel like you have nothing to offer. Its okay to feel like your a burden. Its okay to feel broken. It is okay to feel vulnerable and your feelings are valid in the sense that, that is how you feel at that moment. Just remember, to reach out for help when the moment is too much to handle alone. Remember to listen to your favorite song to cheer you up. Remember to give yourself credit for trying hard every day even though you are scared and battered. Love yourself the way your dog loves you. The way your child loves you because of even a fraction of that love you can feel for yourself is a step closer. 

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Climbing Out of the Rabbit Hole

I have made it to the light at the end of the tunnel. Granted, with current problems resolve others arise. My depression has become manageable. My exercise routine is on point. My A1c is in control. I landed a new job with better pay. I have watched all the shows and movies I have wanted. I have written over 45K words in my novel. I am finding peace. I am playing pokemon like a master. Things are looking up but I still see the next storm that is brewing. I know that me and my family will be able to weather this next storm. I see that maybe this adventure is only a piece of my life.

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Learning spanish while singing songs! :D It is so adorable. It makes my heart melt. He will always remember learning spanish from his Abuela #bilingual #roots #happymothersday (at Virginia)

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Love taking pictures in the spring.

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This is the greatest metaphor for your bills creeping up on you after you get your paycheck.

THEY JUST KEEP JUMPING ON THE COUNTER. AND CRAWLING UP HER LEG. THIS IS THE GREATEST PROBLEM YOU COULD EVER HAVE

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So today is Siblings Day. My sibling count has gone up quite a bit this past year and still growing. It makes my heart grow and my sisters will always have someone to lean on. They are my biggest inspiration for my novel. I love having deep conversations with Katelynn. I love knowing that Audrey Anne loves Pumpkin the Bear and is growing every day. I look forward to meeting my youngest sibling to come. I am so grateful to all my parents for bringing them into my life. #siblings #siblingday

[insulinuser-blog]

The Hunt

Days are getting shorter and my time at home is getting longer. I have almost written 40K words in my novel with the only 4K to go. I sit in my stress, anxiety, and depression. This week has been HARD. Tuesday I was feeling okay but Wednesday and Thursday? It has been a portrait of a hollow tear filled the body. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. I had a glass of wine and coffee on Wednesday. BAD IDEA. Did nothing for my anxiety. Today I sip tea and listen to meditation music and I am better than yesterday but still borderline of the storm in my head. My little family has been the only thing that has truly kept me together. Being without a job for four months has really tested my mental health. 

At first, it was a relief I didn’t have to stress about who to call, how I'm going to make my numbers, it all lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe but as time goes on after relentless searching. My mental state from before is slowly swallowing me whole. 

 I loved talking to people. I miss that. I miss solving their problems and making them leave happier than when they came in or called. The problem I keep running into is that I don’t have a degree. Plenty of experience. So much that employers tell me I have too much experience in their positions but I don’t exactly have the piece of paper that lands the position. It is so frustrating because I know I am a good employee, a hard worker, and passion for everything that I do. I’m just scared that one day it won't work out financially or I end up with cancer and I can’t pay my bills. I honestly feel like depression is teasing me. Thinking that the worst thing that could happen will happen even though nothing has happened. 

Hunting can be exhausting and sometimes depression needs a kick swift in the nuts that is why you see so many of us in slumber.

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My cat in action being taunted by the bird outside

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Bad days =equal cake. Carlos isnt having the best day so I tried my hand at Tres leches. His favorite. :)

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Green Tea Frap Stubucks date. Its the little things or in this case #cute #starbucks #love (at Starbucks)

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I love monarch butterflies. It is a shame that they are dying out. One of the few joyous beauties.

Michoacán’s Monarch Butterfly sanctuary

[insulinuser-blog]

Being a Mom with T1D

I read so much about parenthood. I think the internet talks a lot about parents whose children are Type 1 but not so much about being a Type 1 parent. Honestly, being a Type 1 parent gives your kids an edge in life. 

One realization I know my stepson has is, that this is my normal and everyone has their own version of normal. That it isn’t weird. It isn’t different. It is my own version of normal. He knows it is something I have to do to stay alive. He likes that. He gets curious and he doesn’t flinch when I give myself an injection. He doesn’t see that it is a needle. He see’s it as life-saving. He see’s that it helps me and doesn’t harm me. He knows I have to do it. It isn't a choice. 

I have known him since he was 2 years old and you will be surprised at how accepting kids are. How kids have to truly be taught how to hate and hurt. He just accepts that this isn’t the end of my life. He doesn’t see it through the eyes of the rest of my family. where they watched me at my worst. My husband has seen me at my worst and honestly, everyone treats me like I will break. 

My stepson see’s me as a strong warrior or at least that is what I think when he smiles at me. He see’s my life with this innocence. Even though I have explained to him that I would die without my medicine. He looks at me like I will always be around. Even though I have made peace with the fact that death can take me any day. He just sees that his stepmom gets to be his stepmom for life because of my medicine.  It is beautiful to see how he reacts to something most people I know have a somber face when it is mentioned. 

Another reason I believe my stepson will have this edge is that since he see's that medicine is life-saving and should not be taken for granted. His understanding of what medicine does and what should be its sole purpose is; I believe will give him the ability to make the right choices when it comes to the temptation of substance abuse as he gets older. I believe it will help him come to terms especially since we have constant conversations about taking medication responsibly. Even when it comes to vitamins and allergy medication. We always talk about how we only take it if we absolutely need it. I think the constant conversation about safety and why I take medicine and why he takes medicine adds to this lifelong understanding that it should only be used to elongate a beautiful life. 

I also believe this gives him a more understanding heart. There is a study done by UC Berkley that I believe applies to all children of disabled parents. Granted this study is not focused on T1D parents and their children. I believe it speaks volume of how something that society calls disabling is actually an advantage in our world. It gives our children a warmer heart and lets them love and life to the fullest.

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/are_the_children_of_parents_with_disabilities_more_empathic

I believe as a T1D parent that I have the responsibility to myself and my stepson to be in the best possible situation I can. So that way I get to be his stepmom for life. Being the example of taking care of one's health is more important than putting your health on the back burner. Children learn through the example their parents set. I only hope that I can show him that life can be beautiful no matter the obstacle. 

[insulinuser-blog]

Everyday is a new challenge. Today is a slower workout than yesterdays. Its okay to go slower. Smell the flowers and shed the lbs. #healthierme (at Loudoun County, Virginia)

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Rejection

Some days are easier than others. Menstruation definitely puts me through a whirlwind of negative emotions tearing through my mental wall. Today just kinda sucks.

 I am still writing my novel to keep my sanity. The only saving grace to how helpless I feel. I still apply for jobs every day. I do my due diligence. What is funny is that I hear talks about the job market being great but honestly, the hunt is exhausting. Everyday dealing with rejection. It is okay though. I will thrive. I will survive.  I just have to have patience and perseverance 

When I was younger I imagined myself as an actress and I auditioned for big schools like Carnegie Mellon, Julliard, and the Catholic University of America. I didn’t care if I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t care if they wanted me. I wanted to be able to say that I auditioned. That I did my best. You never know what will happen unless you try. If you sit there looking up at the clouds dreaming. That will be; all your dreams will ever chalk up to. Just dreams. You have to go for it. I did get into one school but realized that I had zero money left to flip the bill. Which is okay because I ended up on a path that I could only dream about at the time. Dreams can become a reality if you go for it. 

Just like when I write, I know that rejection is going to be inevitable. I just recently submitted a short short story to Writers Digests competition and guess what?- nothing came out of it but my first rejection in the field of literature. I actually plan on pinning up my rejections on a board. Knowing that every “No thank you” will be just one step closer to my “Yes!” 

The acceptance I am looking for gets closer and closer to what I want. Remember, just because someone else doesn’t see the value in your work doesn’t mean no one does. Look in the mirror and you will the one person whose opinion matters most in your life. Even Shakespeare found adversity and hardship. Look inside your heart and realize you are alive.