I have a lot feelings. At least ten of them are a headache. (((this is a rant blog with a lot of negativity)))
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“I’m so fucked up I feel like I’m gonna throw up” bitch I DID throw up I am so much better than you!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!
Me trying to find a place to scream literally or on social media but I don’t want to be cringe and/or have the wrong people to see it: *insert long gif of SpongeBob trying to find his name in his brain*
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Me trying to find a place to scream literally or on social media but I don’t want to be cringe and/or have the wrong people to see it: *insert long gif of SpongeBob trying to find his name in his brain*
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Discovering something new about myself like “aw maaaaaaan”
#i have a lot of love to give but don’t want to give it to myself#and i don’t want to give it to people who just throw my love in the trash or take it for granted#i want it to be put to good use#but that’s not how that works
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inspired by this tweet
I’ve forgotten him
I’ve sold off his gifts I’ve deleted every picture I’ve thrown out every half full toiletry bottle he didn’t finish
I can’t remember why I worshipped him or the ground he walked on in the first place
I’ve removed every trace of his existence
Every curly hair in my car Every fingerprint on my mirror Every eyelash wish in my bed
His DNA is gone but his violence lives within me
I’ve forgotten his face But I feel his glare in the back of my head when I laugh a little too hard
I’ve forgotten what his skin feels like But I still feel his body heat in my face when I make a mistake
I’ve forgotten how he walks But I can feel his movements rip through me when I’m minding my own business in a mall and I start shaking from suddenly being brought back to the night I drank too much at my own graduation party
I hear his words in my head every day But I’ve forgotten what his voice is like
I dig through every crevice of my brain Search through the sounds of every real and gaslit memory I’ve ever made Recall the echoes of all the dreams and nightmares I’ve ever had
Recovering any tone of it is hopeless
I only hear my own
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I am replaceable in every sense.
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I’M SO FUCKING TIRED
#MY JOB EXHAUSTS ME FOR SUCH LITTLE MONEY#MY MOOD SWINGS FEEL LIKE GETTING HIT BY A TRUCK EVERY 5 MINUTES#I KEEP GETTING HIT BY SOME NEW FINANCIAL BURDEN EVERY WEEK#I HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE I HAVE TO REPLY TO#AND YET I DON’T FEEL LOVED BY MOST OF THEM#BUT ALSO I CAN’T BE ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS#I FEEL LIKE I’M REGRESSING AS A PERSON TOO#IT FEELS LIKE ALL THE PROGRESS I MADE NEVER HAPPENED#I’M SO TIRED AND SAD AND I FEEL LIKE I DO SO MUCH FOR EVERYBODY#FOR THEIR APPROVAL#AND WHEN I TALK TO THEM ABOUT ANY OF THIS THEY’RE JUST LIKE ‘same lol mood’#WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#‘ASK FOR HELP’ THEY SAY#WHAT IS HELP? ‘mood lmao’#FUUUUUUUUUUCK
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LET ME SLEEP FUCK
#I’m gonna be so tired#I already am tired#FUCK LET ME SLEEP#my therapist is implying my sleep isn’t helping my issues or even causing them#idk#BUT I’M FUCKING TRYING#THIS IS A NIGHTMARE#I HATE BEING ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS#FML
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God I wanna kms so bad
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I don’t think I deserve friends. Or anything good really.
#i always say or do the wrong stuff#i keep trying to be supportive or nice 24/7 and then i somehow end up doing the opposite#also the one time i’m actually so fucking sleepy from driving for 4.5 hours one of my friends needs a ride from the hospital 😭😭😭#how did that fucking happen#she’s not mad at me but i’m mad at me#i tried to get up to go to her anyway but she told me to go back to sleep (probably because she knows i don’t do that often 💀)
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#i’m pretty good at already blaming myself#but i have to bend over backwards to find new ways to do it#i can’t compute something if it’s not my fault#like what do you mean ‘no one is at fault’#someone has to be#and it can’t be anyone else#because how dare i not take accountability#or how dare i blame someone innocent#it’s my fault#it has to be#that’s why i’m here#alone#while everyone is sleeping#and loved#and i’m here#arguing with myself as to where i went wrong and why i deserve it all
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#jesus christ FINE I’LL ADMIT IT#MY INSOMNIA IS A PROBLEM#IT’S BAD#IT’S REALLY FUCKING BAD#I WAS SO SO SO TIRED#PHYSICALLY#EMOTIONALLY#EVERY FORM OF TIRED UNDER THE SUN#AND YET IT TOOK ME AGES TO FALL ASLEEP#I WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO NOT FEEL ANYTHING#I WOKE UP IN FUCKING TEARS#BECAUSE I THINK EVEN IN MY SLIGHTLY UNCONSCIOUS STATE I WAS STRESSED OUT#AND IT HAD ONLY BEEN A FUCKING HOUR#I’ve been awake desperately trying to get back to sleep but i can’t#what do i do#it’s only 1am#no one is awake#do i go for a walk#do i sneak out my window#WHAT DO I DO??
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sorry for bitching and whining. unfortunately i have to or else ill start killing and eating people instead
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Today’s overdramatic and poorly crafted sad text post has been postponed because I got distracted and started laughing at stupid shit with my coworker
#i felt like i was asleep or at least trying to fall asleep for ages despite being so so tired#i give up in tears#it’s only been an hour#but now I’m going back and forth between all 8 stages of grief (grieving that i’ll never be or feel loved)#and just laughing about fictional characters#and maybe wanting a burger
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when the devil couldn’t reach me so he made me an insomniac and gave all my friends health issues that make them sleep all the time
#i started explaining this to one of said friends and they immediately understood THANK GOD because that could have gone so bad#i’m not mad at anyone i’m just mad at situations#and at least i don’t have to go through their said health issues#they probably (definitely) have it so much worse#also#the first time i ever saw this format was with a picture of spider man#anyway#happy 5 am
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i feel flooded with disappointment
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BAD BAD BAD
BADBADBADBADBAD
BAAAAAAAAAAAD
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