inthewordsofaspiderlily

[inthewordsofaspiderlily]

it’s a different language that they speak

one that never was taught to me

i know i too am supposed to be their friend

but when it happens it’s met with silence

i wouldn’t dare question it

it’s not for me to understand

it was has their past weaved into every word

i can hear it

the closeness i can’t claim

it’s not mine

it’s theirs

i have no part to play in it

[inthewordsofaspiderlily]

i wont tell you any of this because then who will i blame

in times when everything is going bad i always blame you

because maybe if you were here not everything would be bad

because this one thing would be good

but it’s not so i blame you for my every misfortune and i’ll do it until the day you die

then i’ll regret placing the blame on you

and discover that all this time i wasn’t angry

i was hurting

and i needed to hear that you missed me too

[inthewordsofaspiderlily]

in times when everything is going bad i always blame you

because maybe if you were here not everything would be bad

because this one thing would be good

but it’s not so i blame you for my every misfortune and i’ll do it until the day you die

then i’ll regret placing the blame on you

and discover that all this time i wasn’t angry

i was hurting

and i needed to hear that you missed me too

[inthewordsofaspiderlily]

[October 2, 2020, 18 years old]

there is days where everything around me stops making sense

the order of things gets all messed up

but perhaps that’s cuz nothing makes sense in the first place

but my mind isn’t much better

the opposite

i think that maybe im the one who makes no sense

maybe the way i view the world is the problem

it’s easy to blame the world for the reasons as to why i don’t want to live in it

but at one point i gotta stop blaming everyone else

i realize that the reason my life is like this is because of my choices

then it becomes easy to take the blame

to accept that i do this to myself

maybe that’s the problem

i feel the need to feel pain

i think this is what i deserve

it would be much easier if anyone else could help

if anyone would reach out and try to understand

but when they do i shut down

no matter how hard they try they never understand

understand what goes on in my mind

i try to explain myself but how can i tell you why im this way if i don’t know

even if you ask what’s wrong i can’t tell you if i don’t know

[inthewordsofaspiderlily]

might start using this to post some of my writing and poems maybe

[inthewordsofaspiderlily]

entering this era

[inthewordsofaspiderlily]

babygirl 🫶