inuteroinbloom

[inuteroinbloom]

a love letter to judas

this melancholy membrane of mine is out of control

my consciousness weaves in and out, lurking in the catacombs

my ego is behind a locked door in a building around the corner

my passion is a bullet train barreling through these crowded streets

my past is an anvil falling slowly deeper into the lake in the local park

all of these hormones and drugs and pheromones pumping and pulsating through me

breaking apart in my veins, my nerves, my mind

i can feel myself decaying

my soul fighting a losing battle against my brain

i take candy from strangers

they offer me words of encouragement and biblical pamphlets

they say He is forever and when my brain finally stops that he will take control

i can breathe at last

but this perversion is already inside me

sepsis has set in and i am a rotten piece of garbage on the street i grew up on

He would not want me

He would not choose me

out of all the shiny streetlights i am the blue dejected one

maybe i should have payed more attention in bible study

looked at the stained pages in my watered down and indoctrinating book

maybe i should have burned those words in my brain, said them over and over until it had become a stream separating the roads

i need to cleanse myself

peel back the dead skin and emerge as a child once more

rise like lazarus, fall like judas

my mind will be clean and empty and naive

and they will give me their words

pervert me how they choose to

convert me if they choose to

and i will be whole

and i will be new

and i will be there with Him

[inuteroinbloom]

how long must i sit beside this window

sipping and smoking complacently

you took the beauty in living away

i find it now in the rhythmic tapping on the window

i see it in the way my bed sinks to fit me into it

i am finding my place in this world without you

i’ve learned to grow and take space and move freely

my hands intertwine with others

i feel warmth in the hole that you once resided in

my eyes swell with tears

i cried every morning when the sun rose and cried every night when it left me

now i cry because i’m alone

alone with my thoughts and the feeling of being satisfied

i relish in the opportunity you have given me

intentionally or not

i am the wind blowing through the grass in our front yard

i am the cardinals circling and watching and listening

i am not finished

i am incomplete and yet i am happy

i’m happy to be sad

i’m happy when i’m angry

because i feel things again

i’m not devoid of emotion

a powerless empty being

i have feet and lungs and eyes

i can move and breathe and see everything

i love this feeling

i love being without you

i don’t think i’ll ever forgive you for taking this beautiful part of me away

locking her deep deep inside of me for years

i’ve finally gotten her back

and it is good

it is good to be alive

words i thought i would never say

now they flow out of me with ease

i will sit with this and breathe and feel the electrons buzzing and firing within me and be at peace

peace without you

peace within me

[inuteroinbloom]

milk

a child sits on his mothers porch drinking milk.

his mothers porch

his mothers milk

his mothers child

his milk is slightly sour and the glass is slightly too large

his hands clumsily struggle to hold it

he sets the milk down and begins to wonder

he wonders why his mother gave him such sour milk

he wonders why his mother gave him such a big glass

he wonders why his mother gave him such a hard life

he too begins to sour

he too begins to get too big

his mother cannot take the smell anymore, she can’t hold the glass anymore

she sits on the porch drinking her milk and wondering why her milk is so sour

[inuteroinbloom]

dog

dogs chase after me in my dreams

i feel their teeth nip at my feet

i feel their hot breath on my back

i don’t know why they chase me

i don’t know who sent them after me

i run until i reach a cliff

beneath my feet is a great chasm

within it are rocks and bones and a great looming river

i leap across it hoping to avoid my fate and instead fall deep down

i fall and fall and fall for hours

when i finally reach the bottom i lay looking up

i see stars and dogs and rain

the stars fall and the dogs fall and the rain falls on me

the stars leave tiny dots along my body marking all the dreams i’ve had taken from me

the dogs leave long lines on my hands and arms, and within them is burning pain coursing through my veins

the rain leaves itself in my hair, sinking me into the ground

i am paralyzed by my fear

dreams are fantasies

why do i fantasize about pain inflicted upon me

of monsters and men and dogs chasing me, causing me harm

because dreams are not fantasies

dreams are recollections of the past misconstrued into images and visions to warn you

i remember when i had ambitions for the future, and when they were torn from me and thrown to the ground, the stars remind me of that

i remember when i hid in fear, weak and alone, these dogs remind me of that

i remember when i was so stricken with grief i was weighed down by it, the rain reminds me of this

[inuteroinbloom]

shiva baby

an insanely climatic and sickening depiction of every family event you've ever attended. although danielle (rachel sennot) has certain traits that some people may not be able to relate to; jewish, queer, sugar baby, her sugar daddy is at the funeral, and furthermore his incredibly hot wife and newborn baby are there as well...regardless rachel sennot effortlessly portrays that innate fear of having family members swarm you like vultures and pick you apart in front of your peers. my initial reaction while watching this movie was clutching my shirt as if they were pearls and nervously passing gas as if I were an elderly man. another wonderful contribution was molly gordon as maya, danielle's high school sweetheart and currently her mortal enemy. this was my introduction to the wonderfully diversely talented molly gordon. you may have seen her in theatre camp and the bear, both with ayo edibiri who was in bottoms with sennot.

side note; emma seligmann who directed shiva baby also directed bottoms! looks like she knows what she likes ;)

overall i rate this a 4/5 and would definitely consider this one of my current favorites.