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isabellelilley-blog · 10 years ago

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Warning: Nothing much, I just want to let you know there may be some grammatical errors along with spelling errors since this typing was done none stop with flowing thoughts from my mind. I had a headache as well, thanks to my tear ducts being so swollen. Thought, I hope you sincerely understand. Thank you.

I was taught growing up that someday I will make something out of myself. To be in a successful career with growing money. To show everyone in my family that I am living a perfect life with a perfect body, perfect house, perfect husband, perfect children, in a perfect neighborhood. We all know thats basically bullshit right? So bullshit you’re probably wondering what kind of environment was I raised in. Well, I was raised in a family with high standards and high noses... Nosey basically. I had to be perfect. I had to graduate and go to a great college and be expected that I knew what I was going to be before I even have that diploma in my hands. Let me tell you, I don’t know what the hell I am doing right now. I know, I am young and naive as others would say, and its normal... right? Not where I am. You either had to be following someone’s footsteps or be already rich enough to live and work at home on your own. It has been incredibly hard to show that everything I am is perfect. I’m skinny, flawless, beautiful, smart. Let me tell you, I am far beyond those things. I have gained weight after my Plan-B pills, I am in college where yes, I am doing fine but its not where my heart is, I have pimples and scars on my face because of acne and treatments, I am not smart, I’m average. Why can’t they just see that? Why can't they just love me because of who I am inside? I’m not hurting anyone. I’m not stealing. I’m not murdering. I’m simply being myself. I can’t choose my own happiness. These past Summer until today, I was even told who to love. I’m always stuck in the middle. Middle of family and loved ones. That’s not fair. You’re thinking, and I know it: “Family and Friends should tie in, right? they go along.” No. Not a lot of people know that Family may disapprove of someone you love or your friends. Or vice versa. And being stuck in the middle is hell. Now here’s my diagnosis: I’m fucking selfless. So selfless that one time I even gave up my time for someone that was obviously using me for their own benefit. I was so stupid then, that I learned from that. But now, I need to learn to speak up. But here’s the thing, If I do I am the bad guy. In my culture, if you’re young, your opinion is similar to a black hole: Nothing. Everyone (supposedly) that is older than you is definitely wiser. Now I believe that everyone had their own pen. Every pen has a writer, and every writer has their own penmanship. No penmanship is alike, unless copied. Pens are used to write on paper to make letters, essays, drawings, books, etc. What’s the point you ask? I believe that everyone has the right to choose their own path, to write their own story. No one else should ever hold that pen to write your story. You hold that damn pen because its yours. I swear by it. I believe we should choose our own happiness. No law, religion, and person should ever stop you from reaching your happiness. Like Gay Rights. Okay, lets clarify something: I am straight, I’m engaged. It’s just an example. Anyways, Gays and Lesbians have recently been able to marry whoever they please to. And that’s okay with me. I am Catholic, and even if my religion does not allow it, so what? Gays and lesbians aren’t stealing and killing anyone. Why make them feel so inferior and low? It’s not our business whom they marry. Right? Just let them be. So why can’t I be left alone to choose whom to love? That person makes me happy in my own way. He is the reason why I am still breathing, and really I could have killed myself a year ago and you wouldn’t even be reading this. No one would probably anyway. I’m long winded. I’m ranting, thats all. Im sad that It has come to the point where I am here, typing away my thoughts and feelings on the internet knowing no one would probably read it. You’re probably thinking that I should tell my family that about how I feel about choosing my own path right? Well, none of them would listen really. So, if you read until here... thank you. My thoughts were probably everywhere at this point. Sorry.

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isabellelilley-blog · 10 years ago

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