isaleslie

[isaleslie]

Step One. Stop Giving A Fuck

[isaleslie]

[isaleslie]

[isaleslie]

[isaleslie]

[isaleslie]

[isaleslie]

[isaleslie]

[isaleslie]

[isaleslie]

[isaleslie]

[isaleslie]

❤️

[isaleslie]

[isaleslie]

“I’m not in the mood for cuddles”

he said, through text, after he got so frustrated with our spotty phone connection that it was just going to “piss him off even more to try, so let's text”. Eggshells. I'm not saying that I found myself 8 months deep into an abusive relationship, because I'm not saying that I was even in a relationship at all. I met him at a place of healing and self-discovery, during a time of vulnerability. I think he was feeling pretty vulnerable too, and what followed was several months of confusion, angst, and a lot of discomfort, with little return on these emotional investments. I was being played.

I don't think it was an intentional playdom. He was just as confused as me. Two lost little puppies looking for a life-boat, grasping on to one another for dear life, as we both drowned. Both trying to support one another and ourselves at the same time. Go to stable ground. Instability was the name of the game. “I'm not looking for commitment” he said, very well exercised as if he had the script down pat. Code for, “I'm just not that into you, and I want you to know that from the beginning, so I can continue to lead you on and sleep with you, with a clean conscience” Oh commitment, the scary C word that seems to have excused itself from the dating scene these days. Replaced by the other infamous C word, “casual”.

Oh the nature of casual dating. Like having an eye dropper of ice cream, or a 2 square inch blanket on a cold night. It's not satisfying, it doesn't work and it makes me feel like shit. So why do I do it? Why do I find myself again and again in these 'half-relationships' with men that 'half-care' about me? Is it safe to say that I 'half' care about them too? Or maybe do I care so much, too much in fact? That this obsessive 'caring' is almost a means of distracting myself, and wasting time so I don't have to look inside at the areas in need of improvement to develop at a soul core level. Hey, I've  got a good idea, let me  just channel every ounce of additional energy I have (outside of what's necessary to be a functional human being) thinking about this non-existent relationship (which has been made known from the beginning) so I don't have to think about or solve the fact that a. I don't have a job; b. I'm a broke betch; and c. I'm insanely lonely.

Why do I feel so lonely? And why am I orgiastically hormonally run by the need to fill this void, this loneliness, with a relationship that creates more chaos and turmoil than positive recognition, healing and growth? And why is it that the second this 'relationship' ends, when I finally put my foot down for the first time, do I feel an immediate sense of relief and joy? A blissed out freedom, no longer burdened by the sticky energy of a sad and empty chord that ended up making me feel more lonely and lost any way? “It's an illusory vehicle for self-hatred” my mother would say. It's a cycle I perpetuate that leaves me feeling like a victim, leaves me feeling sad, hurt, and abandoned. HE hurt ME. Maybe it wasn't him who hurt me, maybe he just listened to the queues the universe was sending all along. The first whisper of “you're not going to marry this one”, in which I chose to ignore so I could feel that instant gratification of want and desire. Because it's better to be in a shitty relationship, than it is to be in no relationship. Because then I am validated. Then I am worthy, then I am lovable.

It’s not true. Oftentimes these relationships end up leaving me feeling more empty than before. Drained by the constant energy and attention I give to cultivate these fantasy scenarios that JUST ARENT THERE. Why beat a dead horse? Why idealize and romanticize and fixate and obsess on a relationship? Force it, pull teeth...Just so I have SOMEONE, ANYONE to text before I go to bed and think about when I wake up. I'll show you I'm worthy! I'll show you I'm lovable! The ego's voice slips in, making it's presence known. Nobody want's to be rejected, and settling for something that just doesn't feel exactly right is the ego's way of boosting itself up and proving to the world that it is worth something.  

It's interesting how the fleeting moments of freedom that accompanied the 'break-up' were soon squelched and replaced by newfound obsessive thoughts. Some tinder BDSM freak that I was half-into for a second, soon became my priority and his lack of response to my nudie pic just sent me on another tail-spin of self-doubt and hatred. I guess what I'm saying is that maybe it's time to hold on to that  freedom. That fleeting moment that can be sensed  when a toxic relationship comes to an end. I choose not fill it with more toxicity, I choose to recognize it as my body thanking me for freeing up space and energy for something bigger and better, more right, to enter my life. Imagine the possibility of feeling that freedom while in a relationship. `That, I think...is the real magic.

[isaleslie]

Healing through laughter!

[isaleslie]

Personal Memo

So I’m about to enter the job market. I’m about to embark on the next journey of my life. I’m about to be ‘free’. The past 17 years of schooling have brought me to this upcoming day in May (10 days away to be exact). My family is coming; my extended family is coming. And I’m feeling hesitant. The uncertainty that accompanies this newfound adventure is overwhelming, especially given that I have no idea what these next six months have in store. I have the tools and knowledge needed to move into the next chapter with grace, and I hope I remember to apply them.  (Shout out to Innes, Ahner, and Dokecki and their inspired ways) With that being said, let’s take a look at what I’ve learned.

Strengths

What are my strengths? I am a good communicator; when comfortable I’m good at speaking my mind and my truth. I can make connections quickly between various circumstances and draw parallels between them. I pay attention to minute detail, and I’m infinitely curious. I question everything and experiment with the ways of the universe. I’m curious about the inner workings of the mind, and the power of intuition and possibility of a collective unconscious. I am interested in dreams and meditation. I am a kind person, to the point of being taken advantage of sometimes. I love animals and children. I am generous, I learn quickly, and if I am impassioned by something I put my heart into it full force. If something doesn’t interest me, it is nearly impossible for me to do. I adapt quickly and am accepting of all races and religions. I am intolerant of intolerance (this is probably a weakness). I love music. I love fashion and art. I love creative projects and collaborating with other open-minded people. I am quick to laugh. I’m pretty organized. I like my alone time.

I’ve been trying to write this paper for five hours now. I’ve gotten this far. Not that I don’t have anything to say, or speculate; but rather, because I am so overwhelmed with thoughts and considerations that I don’t even know where to start. If only you could see how many paragraphs I’ve written and deleted over the course of this morning. I’ve tried everything I could to remove myself from the giant ball of irritated anxiety that I had wound myself into. I’ve tried to meditate, go back to sleep, go on a run, read. My morning began with resume sending, and I think that may have started the tailspin. Not to say that the places that I sent my resume to were not of interest to me: Esalen institute, Monroe institute, Dream institute in California; all fascinating places that I would love to work and gain experience. But something just doesn’t feel right. We discussed careers in depth throughout the course of the class; but more importantly we discussed family relations; something that I think has been having a pull on my career decision-making.

The course has helped me to see the inconsistencies and potential enmeshment with my family. This course has helped me to recognize and make peace with the dysfunction of my upbringing. I think the instability and volatile verbally abusive nature of my childhood (in some regards) had a profound effect on my willingness to trust other people. For the longest time I didn’t know why I had such hesitation or issues surrounding this vulnerable side of myself, and I realize that much of it has to do with the way my dad behaved. My home did not feel like a safe place, and I’m sure for much of my childhood I was operating out of the flight or flight mentality associated with the fear response. This course, and in discussing family dynamics, I have opened up a newfound sense of compassion for myself given my circumstance, and for my father. I love him, and he is a remarkable person. I guess in shifting from a place of ‘blame’ to rather a sense of understanding as to why things are the way they are, I can invite healing, and know my relationship with him will continue to be a challenge. A challenge is not necessarily a bad thing though!

In high school I was highly independent, and did everything I could to not be involved with my family. After coming to Vanderbilt and getting suspended for a semester, however, I felt a sense of isolation and alienation from my classmates, and I leaned on my family for support. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I honor and respect my relationship with them—I hold it to the greatest of values. In terms of choosing a career path; however, I realize that much of my decision making over the past several years has been greatly influenced by their ‘suggestions’. One in particular being not to transfer out of Vanderbilt though my heart was begging for it. (Though I am honored to have been part of the HOD program and think it has been one of my greatest unanticipated gifts) I went from being my sole governing guide, completely selfish and ego driven; to being completely sickly dependent on other people to make decisions for me and tell me how to feel. It’s almost as if I have been so crippled by fear and anxiety about the future, I have denied myself any authority over my own life. I didn’t used to be like this. I was (am) so headstrong, focused, motivated, and driven to the point of obsession. I knew what I wanted when I wanted it, and wouldn’t let for anything to come between it. Then life happened, I came to Vanderbilt, got suspended, and things got out of control. I gave up, started listening to my parents, and everyone else about ‘what’s best’, and my life started to spiral. Somehow I lost all inner guidance. I was consumed by doubt.

Barriers

I think that some of the greatest barriers I will come in contact with over the next four years will be surrounding self-respect, and dealing with the internal doubt that can (depending on time/place) be my ruling faculty. I wonder to myself if this doubt has always been there, and I understand that it has. It’s always been ‘just another voice’; but after my experience with suspension, and more recently (2 years ago) of heartbreak; I’ve started listening to it exclusively. I could once hear the thought, but let it go as frequently and easily as all the others ones—they are fleeting. But at one point, I actually remember the exact day, I started clinging to those thoughts, and they became my truth.  

I wasn’t told for sure that I would be able to come back to Vanderbilt, and such a decision was contingent on the progress I made at home. My academics were one of my greatest indicators of worth at that point, and it felt like they were dangled in front of me. It was torture not knowing if I’d be accepted back. My life was on hold, and I didn’t leave my bed for two months. I gained 50 pounds. Of course I started learning how to fabricate truths. I had to go to court-ordered therapy (I had been arrested (thank God at 17), the reason for my suspension), and my mom would encourage me to say and not say certain things so the woman behind the desk would note my progress and tell Vanderbilt that I was in the clear to come back. These people had my future in their hands, and so I did everything I could to convince them I was ready. I didn’t care if it was true or not, that was besides the point, the priority wasn’t so much to ‘figure myself out’, but rather make them think I’d figured myself out so I could move on with my life. I was so angry. Writing this paper, I have my mom’s voice in the back of my head: “don’t tell him that, that’s your business, are you crazy?” What is he going to think of you? Most, if not all, of my decisions since have been at the transgression of my own inner dialogue. It was destroyed, and I stopped paying any attention to how I really felt, and what I really wanted, and started tiptoeing around in fear of making another mistake.

In finding my own voice and discovering what I’m passionate about, I need to see that external influences are there to guide and shape me. As we discussed in class, “they are just another voice”, and though my parents have my best interest in mind, they don’t know my purpose. I’m hoping that the direction of my life will be made a little clearer, and feel that in the mean time, I need to cultivate that voice inside of myself and let go of the negative self talk that has ruled my mind since I can remember. These feelings of inadequacy are keeping me stuck, and the negative patterns and habits are affecting my ability to shine my light. If I am neglecting my inner desires and so fearful that I won’t be pleasing the people that have supported me, I’m not doing anyone any good. I’m so scared that I’m doing something wrong. I am living from a place of fear.

The pinnacle of this fear-based living started was when I studied in New Zealand. I had just gotten my heart broken, and I think I wanted to make up for all the ‘bad’ things I’d done in my life (mostly to myself). So I started living a life of obsessive purity. I was driving myself insane, but wouldn’t stop until I found the ‘way’. This became a new form of self-sabotage. It had gotten so drastic that I received little if no enjoyment out of life, my external locus of control my ruling faculty. I did not know how to make decisions and relied 100% entirely on the outside. “Should I go or should I not go? Ok the next song that comes on my ipod will have the content in it’s lyrics to guide me. Or the next billboard I see will give me a message that tells me yes or no”. I would do this for hours, trying to decide what to do. I was looking for any sort of parallel or consistency between my thought patterns and my awareness in the physical world. I also believed for a time that humans could live off the sun and don’t need food (still believe it, but have no desire to practice it). I fasted for 7 days (was convinced we don’t really need water too: though I obviously drank a little), to reinforce this idea. Every piece of food I put into my mouth after that, I considered a sign of weakness. I was breaking myself down.

So much emotion is stirred when thinking about a career because at my core I feel this strong desire and calling, but I am unsure. Every time I hear the word calling, I associate it with my pull to make music. In reflecting throughout the course of the class, I realize now that maybe I don’t need to be involved with music in the ‘traditional’ sense of the word; that is, making, producing, performing. But I know that I will devote myself to the power and capacity of vibration to heal, and its effect on energetic frequencies. I wake up from dreams and hear angelic symphonies in my ears. Or I’ll be thinking a thought, and immediately without my conscious recognition a song with lyrics that have similar content (maybe ‘vibe’) as my thought will pop into my head, it feels like its audible. I don’t know what the reason behind these speculations/discoveries is; but they impassion me.  Every time I hear the word dream, my mind flits to it too. I love music, every thing about it; it has been my greatest if not sole positive influences in life. In fact, when I worked myself into an anxious state this morning, the only thing that helped to calm me and quell my anxiety was to sing.

The struggle with my mind can be overwhelming, and I think a lack of self-respect is one of my greatest barriers. I think that honesty with myself is necessary in the healing process. I’ve always been interested in music, since I was young. But it wasn’t a ‘practical’ career path, especially given that I was the ‘academic’ sibling. My thoughts cease to exist and there is a sense of inner peace and quietness when I’m using my voice. It’s a form of meditation. It helps me listen to myself. I’m considering moving out to California; I’ve been drawn there since before I was in high school, and have a feeling I’d fend well with Pacific air. Heading out west, hopefully I’ll find a way to support myself and live my dream. I’m twenty years old. My family is more than willing to open their arms when and if the going gets tough. I just still have that little sense of doubt that wonders if this is what I really want. I’ll never be sure unless I try—now.  

Another barrier that I anticipate is in being my authentic self. It can be hard to show who I really am because I’ll be the first to admit there are ugly parts, and as many struggle with I’m sure, I fear I wont be accepted if I show those parts. So I don’t show them, and rarely do. I remember being 4 years old, and one of my greatest fears was showing vulnerability to my parents; I would never let them see me cry. I would have night terrors at night, almost every night, and scream and cry to which my parents would come running in. I was embarrassed. I wonder if there is something dark that’s riding on my subconscious. Calling on the “white light of Christ to protect me”, helps me when I’m having a nightmare (It wakes me up!) Sometimes I wonder if something happened before I was old enough to form memories, leaving me in this state of confusion. Sometimes I wonder if it was something sexual. This I’m not sure if I’ll ever be sure of.  

Part of me feels like I have perfected the mask that grips tightly to my face. Energetically I know this is bullshit. People can feel when you aren’t being authentic with them, and it is my greatest challenge to express my emotions how and when I’m feeling them. For several years now, I have convinced everyone that I was ok. I was having an existential crisis and was so unsure of how to express my feelings honestly and authentically that I was trapped in the barracks of my mind with no release. 2 years of this mental isolation has made me stronger; but it feels like I’m slowly being released from the embrace of hell—in the most dramatic sense of the word. I don’t want to pretend that everything is peaches and cranberries, when in reality there is a bunch of shitty fucking shit in this world. But thank you God, there is so much good.

Recommendations (from my notes)

Stop ruminating as much as you can. When you catch yourself doing it, immediately bring yourself back to the present (as in meditation), and see these thoughts as something you can choose to observe, but as fleeting. The thoughts will come and go. Pay more attention to the positive thoughts, and the ones that excite and stimulate you. Focus on what makes you feel good. Understand that the unobserved ego and mind runs your life. Break the habit. Examine mental model without being the mental model. Problem solve.

Success is not measured by how much money you make; remember that. Follow your heart and do what makes you feel whole. Keep in mind the importance of work-life balance. Do it because you love it. Get out of the fishbowl!

Ruminators fix the outside, so they can avoid the inside. Focus on the inside. Don’t take responsibility for the suffering in the world. Your most valuable contribution to this planet and the evolution of the species will be to find what resonates with your heart and bring it to its fullest potential. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

“Take charge of the family; establish rules and roles; institute a vision of family purpose” (Kegan) See your parent’s suggestions as ‘just another voice’, take what they say lightly and see that it is sourced from love. Create space with them and allow them to see you as a functioning and able adult. Do not let your hobby be your children. Healthily detach from the family drama. Get past blaming your parents or old boyfriends. Be neutral. Differentiation. Accept the button-pushing, but don’t react or get sucked in. “De-triangle when someone tries to triangle” (Kegan)

“Manage boundaries” (Kegan) Don’t worry about other people’s problems, or compare yourself. Help someone give space to his or her emotions. Do what’s helpful. Understand the importance of mutual support and growth. Feel like you are contributing and help others to feel competent. I: thou relationships. I am open to being myself. You are open to being yourself. Two-way communication is key. Believe others can help you grow. Lean on people who can support you; confidence will come from that.

Trust in your future self. You’ll be able to handle it. Be your best friend. “May your path be the sound of your feet on the ground”. Worrying and anxiety exhaust your adrenals. Relax. Be at ease with yourself.

“Be psychologically independent from, but closely connected to, our spouses” (Kegan) Be securely attached.

Keep in mind 3rd order and 4th order thinking; be conscious of the tendency to vacillate. “Emerging” Adulthood. You have time! Stop trying to predict, and be patient. Recognize change in yourself. “Self-authoring”

Embrace Change. See it as an opportunity to shake things up and make room for new and exciting opportunities.

Nothing outside you will make you feel good, if you don’t feel good on the inside. Even a boyfriend! Not the ‘right’ product.  

Think about and love yourself first; it doesn’t have to feel selfish.

Be quick to forgive, and accept the present. Fully. Look for the deep lessons. Enough of the guilt.  Change or accept.

Seek fulfillment, not just happiness; experience the full range of emotions. (Meaningful life). Make a note “oh, I’m experiencing this emotion or having this thought now” (sad/anxious/success/delight/change) Make sense of it then let it go. Be mindful. Engage in life. Examine Life.

Actively listen. Ask questions. Without judgment.

Emphasize your relationship with God. Strengthen faith.

Let yourself be vulnerable.

Be your authentic self. Be for freedom. Authentically communicate.

Believe that dreams come true.

Be intentional with your time; Live an interesting life: have stories to tell

One of the biggest takeaways from the class:

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” (Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now)

What does it mean to live presently, and how can we remember the importance of it? Meditation helps to condition the mind into bringing itself back to the present moment. The priority in life is to live presently and everything else comes secondary. So we have this present moment--the infinitude of the present moment that is available every second. In this moment, anger, sadness, and loneliness don’t exist. There is freedom in my ability to CHOOSE whether I want to get wrapped up in a negative non-self-serving thought, or do just the opposite and not allow my mind to reinforce negative habits and thought patterns by coming back to the Now. I’m sitting and writing this paper and feeling the breeze from the open window, hearing the birds chirp, hearing doors close outside my apartment, feeling my stomach full from breakfast, feeling tension in my shoulders as I just wrote (and deleted) a long vendetta about my one and only heart break. There are so many things to focus on in this present moment, things that relieve me of the anxiety from my dissatisfied mind. The mind takes you from now; the heart brings you back.