iscrubmeclean - Tumblr blog

iscrubmeclean · 28 days

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As an adult still living with their abusive parent, I often find that affirmations meant to empower me are unhelpful at best. They often feel like they're overstating the amount of agency I have as an adult; I've spent my entire life being abused. It's all I know and I have a lifetime of conditioning and nervous system damage to show for it.

All that doesn't just go away now that I'm older than 18, and neither do the material circumstances that keep me here. Even though I have more legal rights and have grown since I was younger, I am still not in control by the very nature of being the victim in an abusive relationship. So, for those who relate, here are some affirmations that might hit different:

My abuser does not have my best interests in mind, even if they think they do.

I am my own person; my mind and body belong to me.

My feelings are justified, and I deserve to feel and express them.

I am doing what I need to survive, and that is all I need to do.

I am doing my best given the knowledge, resources, and support I have.

I am the only person who can decide what is best for me.

My situation is unfair and wrong. I deserve to be happy and safe.

I do not have to engage in toxic positivity; that will only hurt me.

As long as I am alive, there is something good in this life for me - no matter how small.

I have inherent rights just because I exist.

I shouldn't have to deal with this on my own; I deserve support and protection.

Everything I need is something I deserve. Everything I deserve is something I need.

If any of these don't resonate, feel free to discard them. Everyone finds comfort and empowerment differently.

#<3

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iscrubmeclean · 1 month

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iscrubmeclean · 2 months

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Looooove my family triggering my ocd on purpose. Go fuck yourself

#vent #ocd

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iscrubmeclean · 2 months

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Great they made my mood go from happy to sad within 10 minutes. Thanks. I wish i killed myself at 18 ugh i regret living everyday

I hate hate hate it

I hate that i still get upset when they insult me.

I literally want to go No contact, but why does being someones child just hurt so much?

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iscrubmeclean · 2 months

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I hate that i still get upset when they insult me.

I literally want to go No contact, but why does being someones child just hurt so much?

#vent

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iscrubmeclean · 3 months

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girls be like “fighting demons😤🤪” and the demons be their moms

#i hate her so much <3

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iscrubmeclean · 3 months

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I hate having been raised religiously bc i feel so bad for thinking i wished my mom died but she didnt even feel bad beating me with a belt soooo. Thanks for the guilt, hope god will be happy to send me to hell for resenting my abuser 👍

#religious trauma #vent

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iscrubmeclean · 3 months

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This is so funny but this is genuienly my plan. Either i get sane enough once i move out of my parents place or i kill myself

My ass is NOT repeating the cycle i want kids more than anything in the world but if i never beat my depression id rather kill myself and take myself out of the gene pool than cause this to another generation like my mom did lmao

#and if i get normal i hopefully can work on my art projects yay #i miss drawing i miss feeling good #i miss feeling alive yay yay yay #god good i wish i could talk to someone rn but i dont wanna worry my bf and bff bc theyre both on vcation or busy #and i dont wanna overwhelm my other depressed friends or scare of my non depressed ones LMAO

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iscrubmeclean · 3 months

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Oh my god i want to kill myslef so baaaaad

#my mother needs to GO AWAY finally i cant take it anymore #i want to go NC i cant take it anymore!!#only one more year left but goddmnit #she has been staying home for months now and i cannot tkae her anymore. i hate this family so fuckign bad #everything aboit her triggers me so bad i want to pull my hair out and scratch my skin off #ive genuinely gotten so depressed again im thinking about suicide again #my best friend shouldnt have saved me back then. i shoudl have died at 18 #i could have had PEACE but insted i keep on suffering in this shit ass life. itd not wortg it #good god other than my boyfriend and my few clostest friends nothing has been woth it. i want to die always have always will #my ocd isnt getting better bc i cant fucking get the peace or space to recover and my mom keeps making it worse #i want to get better i want to feel normal good not crazy anynore but ahe keeps being an abusive piece of shit #amd the worst part is on the outside im doing sooo well i have great grades and good internship a perfekt relationship but living with my #parents makes me so miserable i want to end it al #i cant take this anymore #i need more help than im getting and i need to get away but i CANT until im donw with schooling and can get a job

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iscrubmeclean · 3 months

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God i wish my mother was infertile. It wouldve been better for everyone of us

You raises two kids, both of who wanted to kill themselves so bad

You failed your job as a mother miserably, and now you want sympathy that i dont worship you like a god? Do you even hear yourself?

You beat me with belts and told me no body could ever love me for who i am. Go fuck yourself

#one year until i move out and hopefeully cam go NC #i hope she dies early o aint taking care of her im retirement lol #vent #childhood abuse

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iscrubmeclean · 4 months

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your child had to learn to love themself after years of hating themself because of constant criticism, they had to learn to love every part of themself, their “flaws” and who they are. if the only love they ever got was from themself, then maybe you didn’t do such a good job as a mother

#yeah #mothersday is for mothers eho deserve it #sure was strange seeing everyone buy flowers yesterday. feeling guilty but also not bc she was so abusive growing up #i hate this holiday

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iscrubmeclean · 5 months

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I hate working weekends lol ive worked weekends only now for 2+ years and ive missed so many events birthdays vacations....ahem hem hem.im so sad my friedns are all meeting up again soon :,)

But at least im putting in my 4 weeks next week and have until the first of july left to woooooork

#not a big vent im just sad bc my bf is on vacation and im left alone. ahem hem hem #i miss meeting friends

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iscrubmeclean · 5 months

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Mothers be like "yeah i didnt get you to the doctors as a kid when you displayed -Symptoms of a heritable Disease we have running in the family-. How dare you have -Sympotms- you lazy ass child"

#do you even hear yourself. do you think i LIKE fukcing not ahving any energy and suffering every single day pretending im fucking fine?#but oh noo i sure was sooooo dramatic at 14. maybe a good mom wouldve connected the dots and got me an appointment but we sure cant have tht #youd need a brain for it <3 #and no thanks to my fuckass father who just enabled her all life choosing his abusive wife just bc he couldnt have a son and his daughters-#are uselfess #god in one year ill be able to move out and god do i wanna go no contact #i genuinely hate most of my family they are incredibly toxic and only cause drama. i dont wanna bring children into this #oh and i can hear them calling me a rat rn?? well fuck you too. choke and die already c:

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iscrubmeclean · 6 months

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Honestly i hate my life so much right now,i just want to die. If it wasnt for myboyfriend and sister od probably just kill myself.

#i really regret mot killing myself eith 18/19 likei wanted #my lifehas just mostly been shit and worst is it couldve been way worse #ive had so many privileges and yet all the bad stuff never left me. i dont know if it ever will #honestlx i might just try like. once ive moved out of my familys place either .y life will get better and ill keep living somehow OR i can #finally kill myself if it never getsbetter over a span of years #because then i know even with genuine trdi #trying it isnt good enoufg to live through. im not well enoigh to continur #im just so do tired everyone.

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iscrubmeclean · 7 months

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abusive parents will go off about how expensive it is to keep you around and how they have no money and what a fucking burden you are and they don’t see the irony?

dude. you MADE me. what the fuck were you thinking. stupid idiot loser. go back to that moment and don’t have sex. problem fucking solved. what the fuck do you expect me to do, die now that you decided having kids is inconvenient? wow. maybe you should have thought this thru.

#god yes maybe you didnt gabe to have a kid at 19 but you decifed otherwise by baby trapping my father sooo

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iscrubmeclean · 7 months

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#edited this one as a treat #my moms being extra nice today. i hope she bites the grass soon #someone prolly already did this but i have no time to search

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iscrubmeclean · 8 months

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Love it when parents overdrink on alcohol and start fighting and then once they find someone else in the house, yelling at you, for existing.

Maybe lay off the alcohol? Cant be healthy to drink everyday anyways <3

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