isitmytime

[isitmytime]

Hello to anyone reading my posts. I figured it was time to come on here for an update. Life sure looks different these days! First off I am a mommy now to a wonderfully bright little Boy! He will be 17 months in a few days, I honestly can't even believe this is my life now. Going back and reading my old posts seems to be healing. This is the first time I have logged on to this account since my previous post. I hope any of you out there who were/ in the same boat as I was are hanging in there. It does get better, sometimes its the way you pictured, sometimes its a new path. I just hope you all know you aren't alone, I know from experience it sure as hell feels that way but you aren't.

Motherhood has been full of ups and downs, it is challenging but so rewarding. The postpartum period is no joke. There were days where I wondered why I wanted it so bad, if I would make it through, if I was good enough. THAT IS WILD TO ME! To be longing for something so badly and then to wonder if I made the right decision. There are days (fewer now that my son is older) where is feel so alone, just like I did all those years of trying. It's crazy that so many people feel alone at times, like no-one could possibly understand that you are going through and yet there are a lot of people on the same journey. It sucks that social media portrays life as this beautiful thing all the time. I wish there were people out there being more real and transparent. That is where I hope to take this page, to share the good and the bad. If anyone is reading this and it helps you any, that is great. And if not and this is just an outlet for me to get my thoughts out and to reference later that is great too.

Have a beautiful day!

[isitmytime]

hello, it is a beautiful day here in Washington. I hope everyones Saturday is going great. 

tomorrow I will be 11 weeks, I got to see our growing babe at 9 weeks heartbeat sounded strong and the Dr said once you hit 10 weeks with a heartbeat chances of miscarriage goes down to 3% which made me feel better to know they are so low. 

I still have my days where I don't feel pregnant and that makes me worried but I just feel that things will be okay, I have a sense of calm about the whole thing which I feel is a good sign. so fingers crossed.

I gave blood last week for our genetic testing and to find out the baby's sex and we are planning a gender reveal dinner for the 19th. 

[isitmytime]

update

1/2/22 I had my first IUI procedure. The two week wait felt like an eternity, I started out very positive and then switched to “of course its not gonna happen” 

1/18/22 got a BFP! I was in complete shock, it sort of seemed like things were just meant to be. 

with my procedure on the 2nd that meant the baby was conceived on my birthday (the 3rd). I found out I was pregnant the day before out 12 year anniversary.

I feel as if this is a just how it was supposed to be, but im also really scared that I will be blind sided and it will all be ripped away again. I have my first ultrasound on 2/21/22 it seems like an eternity away. fingers crossed this little bean sticks!

I know I just started sharing my journey so this may seem like it happened so fast but this is two years and 3 months in the making, I just cant believe we are here. and to be here after one IUI procedure, when the percentages of it taking on the first or even the second aren't that great. 

Im sending all my good vibes to all you out there wishing for this, and I hope me having a success story (or at least the start of one) gives you guys hope to keep trying. 

for anyone curious about my symptoms: I am 5w2d  so so tired, breasts were sore and that went away and now they just feel sort of heavy, peeing all the time, no sickness yet but I can defiantly smell things a lot more. 

I plan to keep updating this even if no-one reads these I feel its good to just get my thoughts out of my head. 

[isitmytime]

well tomorrow is the day, new year and I’m having a good feeling about it. tomorrow I go in for my IUI, Im feeling optimistic. I was having a lot of apprehension about it getting canceled again this month but everything is a go! today is the start of a new year and Monday is my birthday so things seem to be good for now, wish me luck! 

[isitmytime]

today was a hard day, I'm feeling at my wits end. I just want to move forward with my life. I feel as if I have been frozen in time and I’ve just been watching the world go on around me for the last two years. today my period was supposed to come, it dint. but the test was negative... again 

I was okay most of the day, I felt as if I already knew even though I really had hope, just like I always do. my brother in law and his wife got to have their first ultrasound today to see their baby, seeing that made my day take a downward spiral. it sucks that someone else's life effects mine so much, I wish it didn't. 

I want so badly to just enjoy my life with my husband and our dogs, travel and look forward to events we have coming up but thinking about anything else is always short lived. 

I was so excited for Christmas but now i’m just dreading hanging out with my pregnant sister in law and feeling so much anger and sadness toward her. I hate them at the moment, I do but I don't. I am just over taken with emotions of anger and sadness. I don't know how to cope with it anymore. 

I want to be in control of my life again.

[isitmytime]

lifes been hard the last few weeks

well my dye test went well, so that is great. but there have been some not so great things happening to, for starters the fertility meds have my hormones a bit touchy. the major one is finding out my brother in law and his wife are expecting a baby, this will be the first grandchild for my in laws, that should have been me! everyone expected for us to give them their first grandchild.  my brother in law and his wife are super young, they have only been married a year. I feel so defeated and mad a life right now, I've had a mental break down every night for three days and then last night my husband had one. he expressed his sadness about not being pregnant and then also his fears about us getting pregnant and then how that will be even worse because we will be so scared of losing that baby too, he's afraid that even when I get pregnant and have a baby it still won't make me happy. today I didn't have a break down but I feel sort of numb, except for when I think about when I heard the words “ ***** is pregnant” my stomach drops and I want to vomit. the other ‘ fantastic’ thing is my IUI procedure that I was supposed to schedule when I got a positive ovulation test cannot be done this cycle because the test was never ordered. so Im hoping for a miracle in the fact that our chances are increases by 30% for 3 months after the dye test and I had already taken the fertility medication. I want to be totally optimistic but I also want to protect my feelings and my fragile state of mind. I just don't know anymore... this all sucks!

[isitmytime]

new things are scary

Tomorrow I go for and HSG test (also referred to as a dye test). I'm nervous because I’m afraid it will hurt I never really liked having anything done in the region (my cervix) after losing a baby and having a D&C. I'm not really nervous about them finding anything wrong I feel my tubes are open and everything is okay, if that is the case we get to move forward with our IUI in a week or two. its so crazy to think I could be pregnant by Christmas! But much like when I found out I was pregnant I am super skeptical, I fell hopeful but also don’t believe it will happen. When I found out I was pregnant last year I almost didn't believe it, there were a lot of stressful things happening in my life at that time that being pregnant didn't seem like reality. I wonder if somtimes that was my body’s way of protecting me from getting to attached, knowing I wouldn't carry to term? The real hard thing about infertility are all the unanswered questions you have and the what ifs, if someone could give me for sure answers or specific dates things would be so much easier. but thats just life I guess and I have to accept that as reality. I feel like I should end this post with something cliche by saying “if your out there reading this you're not alone” but anyone going through this know we are not alone we know there are a lot of other women and couples out there going through this. but for me hearing those things aren't helpful, I know I'm not alone but that doesn’t make me feel any less alone. hearing others stories are nice but again doesn’t make me feel any better about my situation. food for thought I guess.

[isitmytime]

24 cycles...

24 cycles of trying for my dream of becoming a mom.

that's 24 months of waiting.

24 months of crying when my period comes. 

24 months of searching for any sign of life growing inside of me. 

2 years older than when I started this journey. 

Being a mom is hard. Becoming a mom is also hard. 

[isitmytime]

holidays, happy or sad?

I love the holidays. everything is so magical and happy. thanksgiving this year was no different; family, food, happiness, kids running around to play except I was different. I felt myself not wanting to hold the cute babies in the family watching the kids play together made me sad instead of happy, I wasn’t really sure why I wanted to distance myself. I usually love seeing and playing with the kids, holding and snuggling the babies so why is this time any different? well because one of those babies everyone wants to snuggle should be mine, ours.  our baby would have been 7 months, it would have been their first thanksgiving. i don’t know how to feel, my husband and I had a conversation about infertility and our journey he said he had been reading articles from other husbands in his situation trying to find some similarities in our journey and others. he said one wrote how with every passing month, every failed month he saw a piece of his wife’s soul get taken from her. that was the first time someone had explained how I feel, my husband said that is how he sees me in the last few months, November of this year marks 2 years of us trying for our baby. august of last year we got our positive, but that was all ripped away in a sort of tramatic way (a story for another post). anyways I just wonder how long I can wait, how much more of my soul can leave me and be thrown into the trash bin with all those negative tests and with every new box of tampons i need to buy before its all just too much? I fear for my marriage, which as far as marriages goes is pretty damn near perfect. how far can I get distanced with the world before if effects my relationships. I feel sometimes as if I’m alone and knowing there are so many others in the same situation doesn’t make it any less painful or less of a rollercoaster of emotions it doesn’t stop me from having a melt down every time aunt flow comes for a visit. I just want this chapter to end and to begin the one I am so desperate for. 

[isitmytime]

any wanna be mamas out there who want to be pregnant so badly but the thought of having to grow and raise a human scares the living shit out of you? I want to be pregnant and a mommy so badly but feel so overwhelmed with all that job entails, I know its just because its a new thing I have not experienced before but man it terrifies me. 

[isitmytime]

I'm new here

hi everyone, as you probably guessed I'm new here. I'm creating this blog to share openly about my journey on trying to become a mom... I wan to use this as an outlet to let my inner thoughts and deepest secrets out in hopes to maybe help others as well as myself to keep me sane in this crazy rollercoaster of a journey. I am by no means good at writing, punctuation, grammar, or speaking my mind in the best ways but I sure as hell am gonna try. If you find my content interesting or helpful then come along for the ride, I hope it will be a good one.