italktomyghostnamedrichard

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

i’ve gotten so excited so many times about so many things

and it doesn’t work out.

it never works out.

so i stopped getting excited

about anything.

no disappointment.

no hope.

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

the sky is so 1989 right now omg

now i want to do some kinda crazy something involving art and sky and all the taylor’s version albums

hold my latte, be right back, i’ve had a great idea

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

Number 7

(This is @lumosinlove‘s version of the HP characters and definitely just MY personal take on James Potter in Sweater Weather. You can read the original fanfic here)

(Also, Haz, I really hope I don’t offend you with this, I just needed to write it down because it WOULDN’T LEAVE MY DUMBASS HEAD, I’m sorry, if you want me to delete, tell me<3)

James had heard the stories. Heard the rumours and whispers about the Black family. He didn’t know what made the situation itch him the wrong way. If it was the obvious tension and fake family bond. Or the way everyone just kind of knew that something wasn’t right but nobody wanted to acknowledge it. It wasn’t until he actually met Sirius Black that he figured out what made him so uneasy with the whole thing.

Sirius was a fortress at first. The lines between his eyebrows created wrinkles that weren’t supposed to become permanent before he turned 40. The way he pressed his lips together whenever he shot the puck was something James had only ever seen on injured players who had too much pride to admit they were out of the game. His teeth were seen once in a blue moon and the rest of the time they were hidden behind his lips where James could see them clenching together by the state of his jaw. 

Sirius looked like a injured veteran on the egde of retiring when he only just started his career.

What the hell happened to you? James thought as he had watched Sirius for the third time shy away from a celly when Dumo skated over to throw an arm over his shoulder.

It made more sense after the shift. The shift of course being Sirius deciding to hell with his family and finally accepted being a Lion. James could feel the shackles of Sirius’ family shake off him, hitting the ice and freeing his limbs as he lifted his stick and scored with the perfect slapshot and for the first time accepted Dumo’s arms sliding around him, knocking him into the glass with a laugh. It was the match James would privatly refer to as the beginning of the Lions. Because there was no Lions without Sirius Black.

But even as Sirius finally relaxed himself something was off. Even as the lines on his forehead disappeared and his lips stretched into a smile instead of a frown when he easily glided the puck into the net. Even as the whole team got to know Sirius slightly crooked tooth that could only be seen when he smiled the brightest and the pain on his face vanished, James still felt like Sirius was hiding. It was different. Like Sirius had finally accepted them as his team and best friends but the privacy of his feelings were still hiding behind the emtionally injured player James had gotten so used to seeing.

He knew he didn’t know everything there was to know about Sirius’ family, but he knew enough to know that Sirius’ walls wouldn’t come down probably ever. But it was okay because Sirius was happy and James could understand that trauma wasn’t something you wanted to share or even think about. 

But Sirius’ happiness didn’t make the uncomfortable look he had on his face when the team went out for drinks go away. James would still watch from the bar as his best friend curled his hand around another puck bunny’s nape, pulling her into a kiss as the wrinkles between his eyebrows returned. 

He didn’t think much of it because James knew that it was an image thing. A lot of guys in the league made it their ‘thing’ to gain popularity and even though James could tell Sirius’ heart wasn’t in it he wouldn’t interfere because Sirius was an adult and James knew he didn’t need anyone to tell him how to live his life when he had gotten enough of that from his family. 

But then Sirius stopped picking up bunnies. He stopped frowning when Finn suggested to go celebrate at The Three Hockey Sticks after an important win and instead became one of the first to hype up the idea. He came up with new fun cellys for the rookies to pick up on and once Thomas swore he had heard him sing in the showers after practice. It was as if Sirius’ entire being had let out a huge sigh and James couldn’t understand what had changed.

Until he saw the necklace, of course. 

He felt like a genius as he explained his theory to Lily who smiled at him with a shake of her head. 

Sirius Black had gotten himself a girlfriend James thought to himself as he saw Sirius carefully dry his neck with a towel as if he was afraid the necklace would snap in half. James could barely stop himself from smiling.

After reaching the conclusion James started to notice all the little signs he had missed before.

Sirius phone went off literally every time he wasn’t at practice or at a game. James could hardly ever get him to come to movie night anymore and when he finally decided to show up his phone was pinging left and right, and every time Sirius face would relax into a slow smile James was sure he didn’t even know he was making. 

James was so happy for him that he couldn’t even be the tiniest bit mad at Sirius for keeping it a secret. All he wanted for his boy was to be happy and Sirius clearly was so James couldn’t care less. 

But it didn’t stop him from being absolutely annoyingly curious. Remus, who Sirius seemed to had gotten close with, hadn’t noticed anything and James was starting to go out of his mind. All he wanted was for Sirius to bring his girlfriend to family skate and show her off. 

He didn’t understand why he was hiding. It wasn’t anything wild whenever a player in the league got a girlfriend. Of course, because Sirius was captain he might hold the spotlight for a bit longer but it would still blow over fairly quickly. 

It filled James’ head for weeks and when it finally made sense he cursed himself for ever being so blind.

Alarm bells went off in his head as Sirius stopped in his tracks. As always, his phone was in his hands but from behind James saw his shoulders tense up. His first instinct was to ask what was wrong but then Finn spoke up. He was also looking at his phone. James took his own from his back pocket instantly.

The hashtag was already trending in the US, probably close to trending globaly, too. At the top was an article from The Prophet with three photos attached. The headline read: “Lion Captain’s gay love affair: Another miss for the Playoffs?”

James throat tightened as he clicked on the photos attached. It was Sirius’ car and there in the backseat of it was Sirius with Remus in his lap. They were in the middle of an intense kiss. In the next Remus was kissing his neck. 

In panic James looked up at Sirius. He hadn’t moved but as Pascal lifted a hand to his shoulder he flinched back and before James could react his was gone. 

A pain had settled in his stomach as he thought back to all the questions he had asked Remus, all the theories he had shared with Lily, all the times he had thought about just asking Sirius what her name was. He had worried about the wrong thing. God, he was an idiot. 

He wished Lily would’ve stopped him from being such an asshole to assume Sirius was dating a girl but he mentally slapped himself. It wasn’t Lily’s job to make him stop assuming everyone was straight. He had set a trap up for himself and it was time for damage control.

His eyes darted to Remus who was staring at the door Sirius had stormed out of just seconds ago. He was pale and James could see his hands shaking where he was gripping his neck. He slowly made his way over.

He wanted to apologies a million times, to Sirius, to Remus, to every non-straight hockey player who held up a facade. But right now this wasn’t about him.

James placed a hand on Remus’ shoulder.

“Can I drive you home?“ He asked, eyes never leaving his face. 

Remus’ hand seemed to tighten, both around his neck and his grip on his phone. James slowly took it from his hands and placed it in his back pocket next to his own.

“Come on, Re. Let me—let me be here for you.” He tried again. 

He could see the shine in Remus’ eyes and James wasn’t even sure if he was aware of it. 

Remus voice shook as he choked out “He needs you.”

James tightened his grip on Remus’ shoulder, ignoring the urge to pull him into a hug and let the tears in his eyes fall together with his own that were stuck somewhere in his throat.

“I’m going there next. Lily’s going to you. She’ll meet you at your apartment, okay?” He said as calmly as he could.

Forever seemed to go by before Remus agreed, the wetness finally falling from his eyes as James began to walk him out of the airport.

All the little things that James seemed to be the only one to notice began to replay in his head, and the pain in his chest suddenly doubled when he wondered for a brief moment if Sirius had been silent because he was afraid James would be the one to write #NotMyCaptain. 

It was then he knew that he would fight with everything he had to make sure no one touched a hair on Sirius’ and Remus’ head. He would sacrifice his career if he had to. Fuck the NHL, fuck the Prophet, fuck the fans, fuck everyone who ever dared to suggest Sirius was anything but a great captain and player.

He had a feeling a war had started against the entire League and he was ready to pick a side, sacrifices be damned.

(Sorry for grammar, English isn’t my first language and I don’t have a beta reader. I also wrote this after midnight)

(Hope you didn’t hate it, Haz @lumosinlove, I love your story so much and I’m a big hockey fan so thank you for the masterpiece)

(Also, Go Maple Leafs, number 31)

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

a box to scream into

i've described my blog as a box to scream into before, but i don't usually make significant posts about things in my life. usually i post one-off thoughts i have, or i vague-post about whatever social issue i'm contemplating at the time. but i'm at a place right now where i feel very intellectually isolated, and i'm struggling to get perspective on my thoughts because i don't know who i could actually talk to about them - so... screaming box.

i was born and raised in the mormon church. i'm now an atheist, and have been since i was 17. my journey to leaving the church isn't necessarily important to this story? but i'm happy to share if anyone actually happens to read this and is interested in hearing it. suffice it to say that that time in my life was incredibly stressful - i knew in my gut that my family would hate that i wasn't going to go to church once i moved away to college, i was struggling to parse my new perspective of the world to the one i'd been surrounded by my whole life, and i felt legitimately trapped by my circumstances. i'm 21 now, and doing way better, but a lot of those dark feelings from that time in my life are coming back to me now because my brother is leaving on a mission.

since i stopped going to church and kept not going to church, my non-mormonism has meant two different things: to me, it's been a lens through which i can view some of the weird shit that happened in my childhood (partially as a consequence of church membership). to my family, it's basically been A Thing Not To Bring Up - a phase (because mormon parents always think you'll come back to the fold). in any case, while they put a lot of stock into my not being churchy, i had never really considered the fact that they still are. so my brother getting his mission call brought up a lot of Unexpected Feelings.

i feel scared for him. not even really for his safety (he's going somewhere state-side), but a frantic panic for something i don't even know how to name.

i feel like i want to explain to him why i left the church, and even more like my efforts would be unwelcome and potentially relationship-ending. i also have a massive complex about trying to force people to match my understanding of the world (some of that sweet sweet ex-mo trauma), and trying to have that conversation would feel too much like me bearing an anti-testimony. which, like, ah. at the same time though, i'm just itching to ask if my brother actually knows about the institution he's repping on the front of his shirt. i'm the kind of person whose original faith crisis was obsessively researched and mentally gymnastic'd until there was no other conclusion available than holy shit, it just isn't true. i've since (and recently) found some ex-mo creators online (shoutout nuance hoe and zelph on the shelf) who have really helped me feel less alone and less insecure about my leaving story, but, like i said, my brother doesn't know what i've studied or gone through. i don't know if it would change his heart or his mind, and i honestly don't know if i want to be the person to do that.

i want to ask him, or anyone in my family, if they've really thought the whole mission thing through. does anyone actually think it's a good idea? because sending a teenager to an unknown environment with the expectation that they give up all personal freedom and personal space in order to teach people about a young, american religion, unprovoked, for two years, seems like a really shit idea. my brother is sinking literally all of his savings into his mission, and every time i even allude to this being an unsound financial endeavor (let alone social or personal endeavor), i'm shot down and gaslit. and before anyone tries to get after me about using gaslit incorrectly, trying to say that serving a mission is just as valuable as going to college is gaslighting. they're different. so admit they're different and accept that missionaries are essentially taking a very expensive double gap year which will fuck over their interpersonal skills for the rest of their lives.

anyway. i feel extremely conflicted. for years, my mom has been telling my brothers not to talk to me too frequently or about things which are too deep. i know that it's because she thinks i'm going to corrupt them, or whatever. i don't want to live up to that expectation, and i especially don't want to be the atheist version of every mormon i've ever met.

at the same time, my conscience is screaming at me to do anything, because my little brother is about to go away for two years and essentially be brainwashed and support an institution which has a history of extreme racism, and a current philosophy of harmful misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia. not to mention the fact that missions themselves are imperial nightmares propagated by an over-wealthy, tax exempt financial conglomerate.

i'm having a really hard time reasoning out what the best thing to do here is. at the moment i've settled on being supportive and accepting like i wish my mormon relatives were when i was 18 and making my own choices about religion. my worries are lingering, though, and i thought getting them all out might help. advice and commiseration are appreciated :-)

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

wh- why—

why aren’t bras called boobytraps.

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

might fuck around and reassign the plot of an entire franchise in my head to fit along the lines of a fic i read once and liked better than canon.

my life is just one extended loop of finding Plots I Like Better until the source material is completely delegitimized in my head.

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

currently deeply obsessed with epicureanism which is making my overall despair for the world both better and worse and if that not epicurean idk what is

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

i’m so glad youtube doesn’t do any kind of end-of-year statistic thing. i don��t wanna be reminded of the time i binge watched last week tonight for a full day and a half, or how i played the same three snl sketches on repeat for several hours. my youtube history is like a live diary of my desperate cling to neurotypicality; no one needs to see that.

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

dear meg,

when you get bangs, post a pic! you don’t post enough, but you’re so cute! flaunt that shit!

also, bomb caption: bangs are the curtains of the head which is the eyes to the window to the soul.

love, meg

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

me at 14: men are terrifying and literally make my skin crawl in fear but i’m sure someday i’ll find one who i don’t find inherently tear-inducing. probably.

me at 17: omg yeah men are not my thing at ALL HOLY SHIT. ... whelp guess i must be ace then. clearly if i’m not attracted to men i’m not attracted to anyone.

me at 19: my god she’s the most beautiful person i’ve ever seen in my life what the fuck. ... oh, shit, gay! well that makes sense. yeah, that makes a lot of sense. like almost too much sense, who told me i was straight?

me at 21: well i haven’t ever gone on a date, and while the thought of sex is still terrifying when it comes to men, it’s only vaguely intriguing in general? so maybe demi? but only for women? gray-ace? there are only like three men who have ever ticked the boxes for me aesthetically, meanwhile women are just. universally beautiful, what else can i say. so perhaps some brand of bi? pan? do i even want human connection? oh, but i’m so desperately touch starved and also afraid of human touch.

motherfucker, this is all too confusing just call me queer.

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

me: oh yeah, i try really hard not to order things off amazon.

my mother: what? why? what’s wrong with amazon?

me: um. aside from the fact that it’s achieved a nearly comprehensive monopoly on online commerce? and that their most public figure acquires more than 2,000 dollars per second? besides those things? idk... human rights violations?

my mother: *rolls her eyes so hard they get stuck* ugh, you snowflakes are always boycotting normal businesses because they say something that’s not “PC”. you need to grow up at some point and realize that real life doesn’t come with a trigger warning!!! you naive piss baby. honestly i feel bad for you.

mainstream news: *stops moving toward right-wing-extremism-pretending-to-be-conservatism as quickly as it was a year ago*

my mother: i no longer watch the news.

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

just reported an ad from the us army as a scam i’ve never felt more alive.

in my spare time i report conservative instagram ads for being “a scam, or misleading”. or, if a jesus ad hits a lil too close to home, you best bet it gets reported for being “offensive, or otherwise inappropriate”.

not all jesus ads, some i just block, but yes all conservative ads. it just makes me feel good, idk.

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

i wish lana del rey’s first couple albums didn’t slap so hard.

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

𝕨𝕙𝕪 𝕕𝕠𝕖𝕤 𝕞𝕪 𝕓𝕠𝕕𝕪 𝕕𝕖𝕔𝕚𝕕𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕘𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕣𝕠𝕦𝕘𝕙 𝕒 𝕕𝕠𝕫𝕖𝕟 𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕚 𝕞𝕖𝕟𝕠𝕡𝕒𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪 𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖 𝕚’𝕞 𝕠𝕟 𝕞𝕪 𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕠𝕕.

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

i think i can finally verbalize why i hate ca: civil war so much.

i mean, the major plot line is kinda garbage anyway (guy wants control of the winter soldier because he has a blood feud with hydra and also... wants the avengers to be mad at each other? so he blows up the un and travels the entire world like twice to prove that tony’s parents were killed by hydra? idk, like, aright buddy), but what really gets me is steve’s motivations through the movie.

steve’s motivations only work. they only work. as a story of homosexual love (which disney and the r*sso brothers refuse to legitimize). let’s break this down.

steve’s story begins with a fraught mission to stop a hydra plot. already ticking a box for continuing to search for a long lost lover.

long lost lover theory is only strengthened by the downfall of this mission: steve hearing bucky’s name. distracts him so badly that he can’t even finish disarming his main target.

things blow up, it’s bad, they go home, ross is there to hand the avengers their collective ass in the form of the accords.

here’s where things really start to shout “out of character” for me, because i feel like everyone’s alignment with or against the accords comes from a rational place except steve’s. he’s against them, and for why? because “people have agendas”. so... a private institution also made up of people is better...?

now the story is really stuck in a corner for me. because although it’s never mentioned explicitly in mcu canon, there is no possible way. that steve rogers. sickly, poor, first generation son of a single immigrant mother, survivor of the great depression, probably queer, captain of an integrated unit in fucking world war ii steve rogers. wasn’t a communist.

now wait, because this assertion has epistemological reasoning, just hear me out. during the great depression, america actually had a growing communist party which was gaining strength politically. already a common party in europe, communist ideology appealed to a lot of people in the depths of the depression. which, like, makes sense. for the first time since the industrial revolution workers were both a) treated terribly and b) ideologically aligned enough to band together as exploited people.

so there’s just no way that steve “i don’t like bullies” rogers wasn’t at every single eviction riot he could physically attend. there’s no way he didn’t see his mother work herself to death in order to keep them fed and housed and not think “huh, maybe capitalism is a problem”. but i digress.

back to the plot. steve’s storyline asserts that he would rather see the avengers maintain their status as a multinational private institution with no government oversight whatsoever, not even from the country they’re based in. literally betraying everything we know about his character and upbringing.

and here’s where you could argue “oh, but his experiences since his childhood probably totally broke his faith in government oversight, so of course” which, alright.

but then peggy dies. and steve goes to her funeral.

peggy, the actual symbol of shared government oversight. beyond their personal history, she is steve’s closest government ally in the world war and the person who fought for him and gave him legitimacy with the brass, even while fighting a system of oppression herself.

with that basis of an ability to trust necessary government oversight and regulations (importantly, not a shady government adjacent agency), why doesn’t he?

it’s my theory (obviously not just mine) that he knows it would, at the very least, complicate his efforts to find and protect bucky. which, as evidenced by the exposition of the movie, has become his loadstar. so he can’t agree with the accords, not until he finds bucky.

the rest of the movie is dramatic, borderline annoying, convoluted, and severely out of character. steve’s actions through the first act of the story are never expanded upon, and to me that’s a major detriment to what the film could have been.

tldr: one of the reasons ca:cw sucks is because steve is a big gay communist who just wants to be able to find his long lost lover, and the russos are cowards for not making that explicit in canon.

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

in my spare time i report conservative instagram ads for being “a scam, or misleading”. or, if a jesus ad hits a lil too close to home, you best bet it gets reported for being “offensive, or otherwise inappropriate”.

not all jesus ads, some i just block, but yes all conservative ads. it just makes me feel good, idk.

[italktomyghostnamedrichard]

why did humans evolve from apes why couldn’t we have evolved from bears and had cute lil ears and a biological imperative to sleep for four months out of the year

this is why i don’t believe in intelligent design. this? this form and function is the peak of divine creation and performance? i’ll believe that when higher cognition starts to improve my quality of life, marve.