itburnedlikesummer

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i love you but i don't love you. i love you forever, you still occupy space in my heart, but that doesn't mean i have to acknowledge it. (to that one person)

Caitlyn Siehl / in a dream you saw a way to survive by Clementine von Radics / @/inanotherunivrse on tumblr / pinterest / pinterest / unknown / holy ground by taylor swift / "MY NAME" (2021) / Letters of Sylvia Plath / foolish one by taylor swift

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Emily Dickinson, from a letter to Mary Bowles

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When a dream affects the way you feel all morning... ugh.

Going to watch some Starkid or Les Mis 10th anniversary for comfort (or maybe CR, we will see what vibes).

Try to get up the strength to do chores because the apartment is a mess...

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Tonight is the night! All dressed up in my cosplay and anxiously awaiting session. I know the group is going to be amazed and likely love it but the anxiety is very very real lol

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I’m messaging you on here because you posted on here. Tumblr has helped me with my own deep thoughts.

The mom part of me wants to tell you there is a way that you can heal a trigger, but if I’m honest I think you have to give yourself grace. Do that like one million times.

You and I both know that is not something that comes easy to me. x3 I'll try, though. Just might need you to remind me a few hundred times first... x3

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Sending you lots of love 💕 I read your post and commend you for getting your feelings out and sharing your memories. You are valid and allowed to navigate old and new triggers. I offer virtual hugs and a listening ear and open heart to you!

Thank you so much x3 x3 x3 It's a challenging path to convince myself that anything that triggers me is not trivial, because it very much feels like I've got these feelings over something rather insignificant. Thank you for being here, even all these years later. x3

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Under the cut is a post about grieving, navigating an unexpected trigger, and everything that comes along with that. It is personal. I am writing it out as a way to put forth things I struggle with. I will not be offended if you scroll on by.

Tw: death, grief, triggers, mental health

I have always been told I have a big heart. What people fail to realize with something that sounds like such a good thing is that it can be bad. People can fake advantage of that, but also I love fiercely and have a very hard time handling loss of any nature.

In 5th grade I met a girl that lived just up the hill from our apartment. I could see her house from my sister's bedroom window. I didn't know she existed before then, but once I knew she became everything to me. Being the older sister, it was extremely nice to have someone I could revere as my own older sister. She was 19 months older than me, and we couldn't have looked more different from one another but she was -- in my mind -- my older sister.

Her name was Tasha.

It became a running theme in our friend group to differentiate simply by last name -- Tasha B (me) or Tasha M (her). A common theme, of course, but to her I was always Tasha #2, a title I didn't hate as much as you might think I would. It made sense, after all. She knew our mutual friend longer and was older.

We knew each other for only 7 years, but if you took each moment we spent together and put then end to end they would go on for eternity. She passed away in July of 2009 at 19 years old. At her wake, as I stood by the two close friends that remained of our group of four, I quietly promised I would always be her Tasha #2.

I don't struggle knowing other people named Tasha -- it's a common enough nickname for Natasha (which, for anyone reading this and wondering, both of us were just Tasha. No Na. Period.) I never would have thought something would bother me, until I joined a writing group with some friends that had a Tasha they knew from elsewhere.

From the first moment it was decided (which was within ten minutes of joining the discord server) that she - younger than I and brand new to me - would be Tasha Prime and I would be the second Tasha I felt this reaction in my gut I've not been able to shake yet.

How do you navigate an unexpected trigger? How do you teach your body not to immediately tense at the thought? It feels like the most ridiculous thing to be triggered by and yet...

I've debated writing this post a number of times but as I lay here in bed, sitting in the fact that she would have only been 33 today... I knew I had to get this off my chest, even if only for me.

There are a lot of things I navigate as a result of her death, and this is far from the largest but it's something that's stuck with me for a while now.

Who knows, maybe I'll regret this post in the morning and private it.

Happy 33rd birthday, TNM. You are missed every fucking day. I love you. Keep on singing and may your voice carry me home when it's time.

Tasha #2

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Musings and ramblings I’m doing simply because I need to write it out somewhere. Feel free to scroll past x3

I have been really thinking for the last week about how... not good with affection I am. When I went out to Michigan in ‘19 to visit two of my closest friends (and we had a little thing going) I could barely bring myself to hug them let alone much else. At first, I thought it maybe had to do with T. He’s very much not a touchy-feely person and I had thought that due to that I’d pulled myself away from physical touch in a similar manner...

Except when I look back at prior relationships, the last one I remember being regularly touchy with that I initiated (when time and distance allowed) was LL. And we broke up in 2012. K liked cuddling, but only when she wanted to. Like... S and I only had a week and halfish together and barely touched. Beanie initiated most touch (something we had frequent conversations about, but never got to the root of it).

And I know that it isn’t a lack of desire for physical touch -- there is nothing I enjoy more than a good hug (hell, my assistant teacher and I have hugged thrice in the last two weeks lol), I hug my kiddos all the time. When my best friends visit I hug the crud out of them.

But the people I am romantically involved with I don’t. I want to understand it, and to better it. I mean, with T not liking physical affection (seriously it used to be a fight for him to just hold my hand) the betterment is more for any potential future relationships (as well as the non-labeled relationships). If you are reading this and confused by any of that -- I am poly. Travis is the only officially labeled relationship, but I do have another non-labeled relationship.

Part of me wonders if it stems from a fear of rejection of physical touch (LL wasn’t always in the mood for it, and my ex K was very particular about when we cuddled (and even then, cuddling usually meant holding hands/shoulders pressed to one another because college beds were tinyyyyy).

When I got back from Michigan I was told that I “Was a different person online” than I was in person, and I have other people that have vouched that’s staunchly untrue but... again, I hesitated to offer physical affection. Didn’t help shark week was happening as I arrived. But... between my resting bitch face and not being more assertive in my desire for physical affection it was assumed that I was not wanting it, and gave the impression that I was cold and closed off. 

Some people have told me they think it could be a self-confidence issue. I’ll be the first to say I think I look highly unattractive in photographs but I feel comfortable enough in my skin, enough so that I don’t have plans to change my weight (what most people assume my issue of self-confidence to stem from).

But I know I want the physical affection. I crave being held. I fall asleep every evening holding my own hand (left hand holding my right, thumb stroking over the back of my hand) because it lulls me to sleep faster. I seek out my kiddos for hugs, tickles etc. So why do I struggle when it comes to relationship physical affection?

Augh.

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Dear self:

STOP feeling guilty for saying no when a family asks you to babysit!!! You work 45 hours a week and the only two nights that are off limits are your D&D nights and there is NOTHING wrong with that!!!

Sincerely, 

Currently guilty Tasha that just said no because it would interfere with D&D

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Did my first official cosplay test of my D&D character for Halloween/our 4 year anniversary session and ahhhh I’m pretty pleased for my first time! No pictures yet cause I’m not ready to share it, today was just a good test run, but there will definitely be pictures next month. Ordered the few other things I need to make it better (proper things for contouring blue skin).

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My dearest Beanie,

I know that eventually -- for my own mental health if nothing else -- I should stop writing these letters. That I should quietly accept your passing and not mourn what could have been, especially given how positively toxic we were for each other. We were so damn in love, though, we loved hard and fought hard and we were both too immature to work through our issues in a sensible way instead of knock-down drag-out fights.

Today would have made 7 years for us, with almost 6 married if we’d gotten married as fast as you wanted (Halloween). In the last year alone I’ve dreamed of you at least 3 separate times that I can remember. Two you were still gone but coming back to talk to me about what was going on in my life, but one... oh that one, you had faked your demise so you could improve yourself and I could improve myself. There are days I can still hear your laugh as clear as day.

It’s fitting that today is a rainy day. “There are holes in the floor of heaven, and her tears are pouring down. That’s how you know she’s watching, wishing she could be here now.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again -- I don’t regret or hate where my life is, quite the opposite actually, but the thought that I wish you were still here can be true while the reality of how pleased I am with where my life is and is going can also be true at the same time.

I don’t know what lies beyond this life, but I certainly hope when my time comes -- no matter how soon or how far -- that I see your face on the other side.

I love you, to the moon and back. I will always be your Smasha.

Happy Anniversary, my darling.

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that is su h a cute idea!!! 🥺 I am excited for you and hope it works out! Lol I am behind on many fics but recently behind on posting my second chapter of a fic I love - just having a bit of a block and then I haven't started the other that I have a deadline on lol whoops!!! 🙃 I have ideas just struggling on it a bit I think I'm trying to plan too much and overthinking it versus actually writing content

Thank you!!! Me too 💞 I'm having to cut some corners to make it affordable for this year but I'm excited to see how it comes out! Maaaaybe if I feel pleased enough with it I'll share a pic when it's done 🤣

Oh no! Ones with deadlines are always the hardest to write, IMHO. Part of why I gave up on fanfic and stuck with role-playing lol planning to much and overthinking is such a pain, I feel you there. I hope you're able to get some writing done soon!

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Of course I remember you!! I am doing alright, thank you! Currently baking an oatmeal/applesauce/cinnamon bread for a coworker and postponing writing 😬 How about you?!

Ooooh that sounds delicious!! Currently trying to figure out if I can afford to surprise my D&D group for our 4 year anniversary/Halloween game by dressing as my character lol

Postponing writing is a big mood lmao the amount of times I've done that in the past is laughable. Writers block or just not feeling it?

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How are you doing?? If I remember correctly you are a gem from the Dalton days and perhaps had a Bailey Tipton blog?? I hope things are going well!! 💕

Oh my goodness!!! I am so surprised you remember me, honestly. I most definitely had (multiple) Bailey blogs back in the day haha I'm doing well! Lots of change since those days, but pretty happy with how my life is going thus far! <3 How are you doing???

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Wanted to post this somewhere, but unsure of how anyone would react to the full label so what better way than telling it to Tumblr 🤷‍♀️

Happy pride month! My name is Tasha (she/her), I'm 31 and I am panromantic polyamorous demisexual. ♡♡♡