ithacahummus

[ithacahummus]

odysseus stuck a spear in his eye. he seesn't

Polyphemus: "Name?"

Odysseus: "Nobody."

Polyphemus: "...I see."

Odysseus: snickering behind his hand "You don’t."

[ithacahummus]

Calypso: "I kidnapped him but like, romantically."

Hermes: writing in notebook "Uh huh. And how’s that working out for you?"

Calypso: sniffling "He built a raft."

[ithacahummus]

Polyphemus: "Name?"

Odysseus: "Nobody."

Polyphemus: "...I see."

Odysseus: snickering behind his hand "You don’t."

[ithacahummus]

[On an airplane.]

Odysseus (grinning out the window):

"Twenty hours. TWENTY. YEARS. Do you know how many monsters I could’ve avoided with this?!"

Penelope (smirking):

"Or how many you’d have found midair."

Telemachus (groaning, pulling hoodie over face):

"Please stop talking."

[ithacahummus]

Ooou...hun why he look ZESTY 🤨 📸

(i love ur art sososososomuch)

And telemachussssssss!!!!!!!!! I fight for usss I fight for uuuussss!!!!!! Ive grown very attached to his design, I know I'll be changing it alot more but there's just small things that make me happy QwQ

[ithacahummus]

"It's telemarketing mom!"

[ithacahummus]

LMAO love how they're like. yea date anyone you want. gender? class? Who cares? one test tho.

CAN THEY SURVIVE YOUR FATHER?!

Odysseus, after returning to Ithaca, becomes an overprotective father. He doesn't try to restrict Telemachus, he just treats everything around his son with extreme vigilance.

Go to the beach? Odysseus will watch from the hillside, bow at his side. Go into town? Boom, there are your new bodyguard comrades.

But what really pisses Telemachus off is his father's reaction to every boy/girl who looks at him long enough. He gets the feeling that any man (or not, who knows) will have to go through a series of trials, no less. Telemachus comes to complain (cough, whine) to Penelope. To which she simply laughs.

Penelope (whose husband literally defeated a god to get back with her): if anyone wants to be with you, they'll have to prove it by overcoming their fear of your father, dear.

[ithacahummus]

Dead soldiers in the underworld, collectively yelling:

"Why would you let the Cyclops live when ruthlessness is mercy!?"

Odysseus, arms crossed, exhausted:

"Sorry I didn’t commit murder hard enough for the ghost club."

[ithacahummus]

best gay rivalry ever *chomps on popcorn*

(any time after the events of the vengeance saga & ithaca saga)

*under the ocean in poseidon's palace*

poseidon: *talking with amphitrite*

poseidon: i wouldn't wish that upon my worse enemy!

poseidon: *pauses and feels phantom pains from his old impalement wounds/scars*

poseidon: *eye twitching* ...unless of course...we're talking about my enemy, odysseus.

poseidon: *looking up at the ocean's surface from his underwater palace*

poseidon: fuck you odysseus, you know what you did!

amphitrite: ...

amphitrite: *sighs*

*meanwhile on ithaca*

odysseus: *yapping away with penelope whilst on a walk through the palace grounds*

odysseus: so then i said "cause i don't even have to kill you, i just have to avoid yo-"

odysseus: *violently sneezes*

penelope: ...

penelope: are you feeling unwell, my love?

odysseus: no i'm fine.

odysseus: i just get the feeling im being bad-mouthed...again

odysseus: *turns head and glares at the ocean*

[ithacahummus]

hello epic the musical fandom! i’m in your fridge. i won’t leave until you give me your very most favorite epic the musical fanfiction recs. i’ve eaten all the olives. i’m curled up next to the oat milk. i am NOT going away until odysseus cries tenderly at least once in 5k words.

tl;dr: i’m emotionally malnourished. feed me fic or lose your greek yogurt. 🏛️🥄

(but fr if you have a fic that lives rent-free in your brain, drop it 🫶)

[ithacahummus]

Hermes: “and i call this post...Holy, Moly!”

Me: “Okay but like… in your defense, Tumblr did say it first.”

[ithacahummus]

circe saga:

eurylochus: captain, i have something I must get off my chest

odysseus: speak, soldier

eurylochus: you. literally. get off my chest. why are you sitting on me.

[ithacahummus]

odysseus: hey maybe we don’t open the bag of wind

eurylochus: ok so we’re opening the bag of wind

[ithacahummus]

telemachus writing “fatherless behavior” in his journal every time he sees a suitor

[ithacahummus]

Penelope: now jump in the water!!

Odysseus, traumatized: penelope, WHYYYYY

I like to think Ody got a little traumatized with water for a while...

(also i want to thank you all for the love on my first post of them….i wasn't expecting that for a silly joke 🧍‍♂️)

[ithacahummus]

alternative names for the epic cast:

Odysseus → Overdue-sseus

(he said he’d be home in a week. it’s been 20 years. sir.)

Penelope → Pending-lope

(waiting. waiting. scheming. waiting.)

Telemachus → Telescope

(sees daddy issues from miles away.)

Eurylochus → Eucalyptus

(always smells like big-backedness and bad decisions.)

Polites → Politics

(argued once. cyclops said “debate me” with a club.)

Circe → Circus

(runs an island-based pig transformation spa. 4.5 stars on Yelp.)

Calypso → Calzone

(warm, comforting, traps you forever.)

Poseidon → Pettyseidon

(god of salt, and also of saltiness.)

Zeus → Zest

(lightning and unwarranted sexyness. mostly sexyness.)

[ithacahummus]

Odysseus: *hands baby Telemachus to Athena*

Athena: Wow, he's heavy.

Athena, touching Ody's forehead: I hope the labour wasn't too hard for you?

Odysseus:

Odysseus: It was fine.

Penelope: *sniggering*

Odysseus, to Penelope: Please can I just tell her the truth now?

Penelope: Nope.