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Welp, I messaged him & I never got a response. I dunno, I guess it could be for a number of reasons. He could be getting his revenge for me not responding to him the last couple of times he messaged me. Or he could've gotten another TextNow number. Or he could be going through it right now. I guess the reasoning doesn't matter. Because the thing is, I really don't want to repeat the same mistakes I made with V. I had zero self-respect & it was so fucking pathetic. Divine blockage is divine protection. God knows why, I don't want to force something that isn't meant to be. I'm not gonna lie there's a bit of anxiety that came with the silence, the feeling of rejection & it bruised my ego a bit. But it is what it is, I don't want to ruminate like how I've always fucking done. I just want to, for the first time in my life, truly have faith & trust in God's plan. I'm not gonna lie, it feels weird saying that sometimes. Because I don't think I'd even know what to do if my blessings would be delivered to me tomorrow. I don't know if I'm mentally mature enough to truly cherish it & protect it. I'm sorry, C. For my behavior, for ignoring you recently. I just didn't know what to say, I was going through a lot & I'm still going through a lot. I genuinely wish you & your family nothing but the best. May God protect you & your family, always. Goodbye, Tick.

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My heart is so full of sorrow & despair. I dunno, not only am I missing C & I can't stop thinking about him but I just keep reflecting on myself. I feel so helpless & hopeless. I don't know what to do with my life. I kind of tried making it all cinematic the other day. Like, "Single mother from a small town in Southern California looking to reinvent herself. What will she do now?" And going back to C, I can't stop thinking about him. I've been thinking about messaging him but I when I think about reaching out I start overthinking like a mother fucker. I think about how "no, I can't do that because then he will think that he has be wrapped around his finger" or "what if this isn't just meant to be & I'm supposed to just let things fizzle out" or "genuinely, why are things like this so difficult for me, it doesn't make sense how I always do this. I always want to be in a position of power, I want to be the one that walked away & then when they're gone & after some time passes I start to miss them & I start questioning everything." What is it within me that I'm running from. I mean, I thought to myself that if I really wanted to message him that there's no harm in it, really. He's not like V, well I don't think he is. I don't think he'll tell me to fuck off. But that's where the question pops in my head. Am I doing it because I genuinely miss his friendship? Or is it something else? & say we can be "friends" (for now), is that even a good idea? Why do I want to message him so bad? To see how he's doing? Sure. But what else? Are you scared of being alone? I dunno, maybe but then again maybe not. I've been enjoying my alone time with my son recently. I feel guilty to admit but if I'm being completely honest that wasn't always the case. I had my own insecurities I was dealing with, that combined with the difficulties we ran into during our public outings made it difficult for me. But things have been getting a bit easier, public outings are a bit more chill now so I'm starting to become more comfortable & enjoy our mommy/son dates. What does being his friend even mean? Because sometimes it was hard for me to connect with him on a friendship level. Sometimes he made me feel like how everyone else would make me feel. Like what I was saying is stupid, why can't I just have a normal surface level like everyone else? He never directly said that but sometimes that's how it felt. Friendship with J is different. He never makes me feel stupid & he actually listens to what I'm saying. I know C doesn't mean to infodump as much as he does but it just makes the "friendship" feel so one-sided. I don't like not being heard, I don't like to feel like I'm annoying someone with what I have to say, I don't like feeling stupid. I was hoping to have some sort of clarity by the end of this rant but I have none. After I ask him how he's been doing, what then? What comes after? I know a big thing that holds me back is my pride but even after putting that aside, I question what my true motives are & I question if the decision I want to make is what's best for me or if I'm just dragging out a situation that isn't meant for me.

[its-a-veil]

I feel so dumb. Like, WHY do I always do this. I'm the one that always tells them to "fuck off" & when they do I get sad and butthurt. I fucking miss C, man. It's so fucking weird. I was Like this over V and I never thought I'd feel this way over C. I genuinely never thought I was going to start liking him like this. But then again, a part of me questions if it's actually him that I like & I miss. Because when we were together all I fucking did was complain about shit & find something to be pissed off about. I am in no way trying to gaslight myself because I know I had every right to feel the way that I felt & to just want more for myself. I do regret some of my actions. I can really be a manipulative bitch sometimes. I caught myself. When I feel it in a man-that he's easy to guilt trip or talk to disrespectfully, I take advantage of that... I guilt tripped J a lot. I was so hurt by the betrayal that the anger took over. My eyes were filled with darkness, I wanted him to feel pain & I've carried that darkness with me. Some have tolerated more than others, V saw right through that darkness & had no interest in roaming in it. Which, I can't say I blame him. Now with C, I didn't sense guilt. However, I did sense something else. I knew I could be disrespectful to him & he wouldn't say anything. I don't want to assume that he wouldnt take offense but I guess it may be a good thing that we don't talk anymore. Because if he continued getting that version of me then I'm sure the day would come where he wouldn't be so tolerant of my behavior.... But anyways, I kinda wish we would've stayed as friends. I probably wouldn't have been so bothered by the out-of-pocket shit that he would say. And I know that even now, he'd probably be down to be friends. But for one, I don't know if I've fully detached yet. When I think about it, I think I'd be able to fully detach without it becoming a problem. But then again, I don't know if that's what's best for me. Situations like that are hard, especially if he's always gonna have it in the back of his head that he wants to get back together one day. He's not a bad person, I think I demonized him in my head because of my past trauma. He's not an ideal partner right now because of his emotional baggage but to be fair, neither the fuck am I & I'm fully aware of that. My heart feels like it's going to explode with all the fucking uncertainty that fills it. Please, I need strength & wisdom to choose the right the right path.

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I want a sisterhood.

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Paralysis

I feel so unhappy with my life & where I’m at. I feel like I have no right to ask/expect more out of relationships when I’ve done nothing for myself. I feel so pathetic. I’m overweight, no job, little money, single mom with ptsd. I don’t exactly feel like the best option one would go for. I feel like I don’t have much to offer. So how dare I ask for more.

I want more from myself though :/

I want to be physically healthy. Pretty much what you see on social media. Consistent diet/exercise & skincare.

I really want a successful career but it seems so out of reach—there’s nothing special about me, I don’t have what it takes to be successful. Whatever it is that successful people have, whatever that thing is, I don’t have it. I am meant to be average, nothing more & because of that it’s hard for me to picture a future where I’m standing on the empire I built. It’s hard for me to picture working hard & making more than enough money to buy a house & living the lifestyle I always dreamed of. I’m a dreamer, I always dream but when I think of the work that it’ll take to get there, I feel as though I’m completely incapable of doing it. It makes me so sad, there’s nothing I want more than to be able to believe in myself.

What kind of example am I setting for my son.

But I don’t know how to break out of it.

There are so many things that I want. With every fiber of my being do I want these things.

But how do I convince my hands & legs to move? How do I convince them they’re capable of doing amazing things? How do I convince them that they’re not bound together? Because every time I try doing so there’s that tiny whisper. Strange how something can feel so quiet yet so loud. Every single time, “You can do these things, you are strong!”…

“no you’re not”…

“Please, realize that these limitations you’ve put them on yourself.”

“i can’t do it”…

It breaks my heart. I feel like I’m watching someone I care about accepting less than they deserve.

Because I am.

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A New Lesson Learned

I don’t even know where to begin tbh. When you first started hitting me up, I didn’t think you were ugly or anything but I wasn’t sure how we would get along. I felt like you were maybe a little immature for me (which I was kind of right about). You would hit me up & I knew it was lust for you, right off the bat. Conversation seemed very superficial (i.e. “do you go to shows?” *doesn’t respond after I do* & hits me up with “I like your eyebrows” like a week or two later after I posted a couple of pictures). I knew you were attracted to me but it felt like it was lust, it felt like you weren’t really interested in actually getting to know me. One day when we connected over ATLA & I remember having somewhat decent conversations with you but I remember thinking to myself:

Red flags/I dunnooo

- You don’t have a car

- You don’t have a job

- You make really strong & what could be considered offensive. I get it, “Suck it up. Stop being a pussy.” But damn dude, chill. At the very least when we’re out in public.

- You say “bitch” a lot when talking about women/past exes

- Recovering alcoholic

& now after about 2 months of dating…

- I realized you have a long ways to go on your journey to recovery

- You talk a lot of shit & play around a lot. Sometimes it can be funny, sometimes it can be annoying.

- I don’t feel fully satisfied in the bedroom. I know you have your reasons that you’re working on & I understand that completely, I’m just being honest right now.

- I wish you would do romantic things for me. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I’d watch Disney movies dreaming about feeling that kind of love one day. & it makes me sad that instead of the romance all I get is your constant shit talking.

Yes, I know you cook for me a lot which I really appreciate but I feel like that doesn’t outweigh all the negative.

I also remember telling you in the very beginning when you asked me, “When am I gonna take you out with the car I don’t have?”

I responded with, “I am very flattered but I don’t think this would work out.”

& I explained that I knew that you & I would clash. I believe my words somewhere in the realm of, “We are two very opinionated people & all it would take is for you to say some shit on a bad day & I’d be ready to put on some boxing gloves.” Which ended up happening exactly how I “prophesied”. You keep saying that shit like it’s a negative, like I “wanted” it to happen. No, not at all. I just knew it wouldn’t work out. & yet I still gave you a chance despite knowing that. That’s my fault, now you’re gonna be left hurting & with possible wounds from me & that’s not what I wanted. I guess I just didn’t want to be difficult? I dunno man, cause I KNEW we wouldn’t work out. So then why did I give you a chance?

Because I didn’t want to be difficult? A constant “tease”? I don’t fucking know man but I’m just mad/disappointed at myself for not just manning the fuck up & standing on business. I tried & it didn’t work out. It is what it is, there’s no need to bitch about it. Let’s just move on & keep our heads up.

I pushed you away. You’re probably over me now because of how difficult I’ve been recently. Some of it I feel like I overreacted for & some I feel was justified. I don’t mean to always turn things into a problem but like, why you always gotta say some stupid shit? I am sorry for overreacting though; you kept trying to fight it even when I was being honest with you about how I felt. I guess I should’ve just been more assertive about the boundaries I was setting. It was just hard for me because I liked the attention & company. I feel weird because I didn’t mean for this to happen, I didn’t mean for things to end this way. But such is life, I guess.

& now you’ve become a new lesson learned.

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High diaries…

I want someone that wears work boots, dickies, t-shirts, hoodies. Strong chest, broad shoulders & strong arms. Tattoos, specifically a Mayhem tattoo on their wrist, pirate ship on one forearm & the grim reaper on another, a couple of bucktooth bitches with fedoras on & wizard smoking a blunt on their chest. Soft skin but rough hands. Thick black beard, beautiful full lips. Strong nose & forehead. Blue/green eyes, glasses. Earrings. Long black hair. Wears Dior Sauvage & to top it off a deep (& I’m talking DEEP) voice that makes my body vibrate with the bass. Rides a Harley, plays bass/guitar, makes music, metalhead who’s in a couple of bands. Who doesn’t eat pussy, I guess. Doesn’t do anything mind blowing (in the bedroom, that is). Carpenter & that goes by the name……..

Yeah, someone very specific if you haven’t guessed it. I realized today that it’s hard for me to move on because when I try to picture myself with the ideal person of who I want to be with that description comes up & I think to myself, “Bitch, you literally just described…”

I dunno, I’m not really high anymore. Dab highs really don’t last that long but that’s alright. I feel so fucking stupid & pathetic for being hung up on a relationship that ended fucking 3 YEARS ago. I tried dating someone else. Mostly to try to get over you & it helped a little I guess but not really cause why the fuck am I feeling like this. Even when I see other dudes that could fit that description I can’t picture myself with them because they’re not you. I want the one that goes by the name…..

I know I’m repeating a karmic cycle. Because when I was with you I was still hung up on the one before you (not who you’re thinking). We’ll call him A. I “dated” him 3 months before you. Situationship, really. But I thought about him a lot, tbh. Although that wasn’t what led to our demise, I think I subconsciously self-sabotaged. I was hung up on A while I was with you & now I’m hung up on you still. A came back a couple of months after we broke up tryna see what was up with me; I just wasn’t into it & I don’t want to be with C (the one that came after you), something in my body is telling me this isn’t right for me. I feel so fucking stupid for being hung up on your ass. I’m like 98% sure you’re with someone else. I went lurking, of course, & I saw some shit that just stood out. She’s probably a better option, a better fit for you. Y’all could probably build a future together. It hurts my heart admitting that. But I guess that’s what love is all about, finding the one. The one that’s truly meant for you, two sides of the same coin. Something that should just feel right & natural; something that feels comfortable. While I was with you I tried molding myself into the person I thought you’d like. I always do that. I don’t know how to break these cycles & I’m certain that I will continue to self-sabotage until I’m able to break it.