its4amandimissyou - Tumblr blog

[its4amandimissyou]

I’ve been on threads.

Are you on threads?

[its4amandimissyou]

I do this all the time.

[its4amandimissyou]

You’ll never be what I need. You’ll never be good for me.

Even though you try, even though you want it as bad as I do…

That might be my biggest heartbreak and your biggest regret.

[its4amandimissyou]

I think people underestimate how autistic™️ I actually am. I am so autistic that I don’t think I could live alone. I can budget and I can manage a household. I’ve been doing that for decades. I can work and I can make sure an entire household gets taken care of. But do you know what won’t get taken care of while I’m working and taking care of everyone? Me.

That’s right. My mental health and my physical health deteriorates at a rate I can’t quite put my finger on because I don’t know it’s happening until I’m curled up on a ball on the floor in my daughter’s room crying. Because while I’m taking care of almost every minute detail of running a house, no one is taking care of me.

And honestly, even if someone was there to say “did you eat” or “can I make you something to eat” it’s not enough. That’s not a partnership. I am not a full time job. And while I’m taking care of my partner and everyone else in the house, it doesn’t balance out to just offer me food.

I’ve never been in a true partnership. I don’t even know what that would look like. I am either taking such good care of all of the domestic things or I am in meltdown. I’ve never been lucky enough to experience a true partnership. I’ve always been fighting to survive.

And in this fight for survival I become trapped in domesticity. Unable to provide for myself, unable to escape. Everyone is fine and I am not fine.

[its4amandimissyou]

My heart isn’t breaking for goodbye.

It’s breaking for every promise we’ll never keep; every walk we’ll never share; and every laugh that will ring in my ears, but I’ll never hear again.

My heart breaks for every daydream that won’t come true; every adventure we’ll never face hand-in-hand; and every milestone we never got to experience, because we were always both too scared to lose something we never quite grasped.

And these heartbreaks will follow me until the day my lungs stop breathing, my heart stops beating; a crushing secret that only you and I share.

[its4amandimissyou]

It’s the living that hurts.

I will continue living my life and you will continue yours. But they won’t be lived together.

And that is maybe the saddest thing I have ever known.

[its4amandimissyou]

When people told me to make myself a priority I shrugged it off because of course I am my own priority. But I also secretly was making everyone else my priority instead only to realize, decades later, that no one was doing the same for me.

I thought, surely if I can make other people a priority in my life that it will be reciprocated. It wasn’t. I was wrong. Make yourself a priority like no one else will.

[its4amandimissyou]

I never miss you less. Sometimes the aching subsides, but when it comes back it’s so loud that I can’t feel anything else.

And I know that you don’t deserve to know these things anymore, but it’s not about you anymore.

[its4amandimissyou]

DRAG IS NO LONGER BANNED IN TENNESSEE ✨✨

[its4amandimissyou]

in hysterics

[its4amandimissyou]

[its4amandimissyou]

actually people do not have a moral obligation to 'recover'. they have a moral obligation to do their best not to inflict harm on others. these are two distinct but sometimes overlapping concepts.

[its4amandimissyou]

I need to take this moment to scream into the void:

I AM SO SICK OF WATCHING CHILDREN SUFFER BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS ARE SELFISH AND FULL OF EGO AND THINK THESE KIDS CAN JUST RAISE THEMSELVES. YOUR KID NEEDS AN ACTIVE, INVOLVED PARENT WHO IS CHECKING IN AND MEETING ALL OF THEIR NEEDS- PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND EMOTIONAL.

This is why I never had kids. I knew I was incapable of all of this. Just taking care of me is a full time job. Fuck these shitty, selfish, lazy parents who just turn their heads away from their kid’s pain and struggle and assume it will all work out on its own. And then want other people to ride in and save the day for them. For years now you were warned that you were dropping the ball on your kid. But you turned your nose up and insisted YOU knew better, judging those trying to help you all the while. SERIOUSLY, dude, YOU fucked this all up when you could have at least tried. And now your kid pays the price and you want a pity party.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[its4amandimissyou]

[its4amandimissyou]

They say that grief is love looking for somewhere to go, but tell me… where do I put the longing?

[its4amandimissyou]

It makes me nauseous to think that I’m someone who has to be cut off from you for your peace to be kept. Especially, when I’m the one left picking up the eggshells you made me tiptoe on.

[its4amandimissyou]

If nothing else, the pornbots are here for me.