itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco - Tumblr blog

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

It's worth talking about with my therapist but in the meantime

I had a revelatory moment of sorts this weekend and now I'm going feral because I don't have a lot of parks I can chat to about this because well

My other pals all wanna fck me apparently

Well not all of them but enough of them overall

And I don't have a Lot of course friends the way I used to when college held up some really good bonds

That then fell by the wayside

I'm also realizing again what a giving unstable living situation I'm actually in but I don't really wanna talk about that actually at all

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

Still feeling it and still frustrated that my most cogent words are still kinda meandering and eugh why are words so fucking hard

Why are feelings so annoying to put into words

Fucking whyyyyyyy

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

Dear J

I miss my friend. I liked spending time with them and joking and discussing brain stuff and watching sitcoms and just generally being able to be present in a room with a pal. It's been awhile, and I miss that.

I don't really know what happened here, if I'm honest. I know that it's a mess all around, and I know that there's not really blame to be had. This sucks.

I can't say sorry for what I said, because it was true, all the way around. I can say, I'm sorry for being a dick in December. And I can say, I really wish that we could have just talked it through.

I'm not going to just throw out a bunch of vulnerability into what's potentially a void of indifferent feelings, but I did want to clarify something that I think was probably hurtful and poorly phrased, and may have been a touch blame-y

I'm not sure how to start, so..I really don't regret anything, exactly, and I do find you really attractive. But I was also not in a place with you where sex was a motive, until it was offered. That's not how it works for me and while I'm reciprocal and easily led, when I said you were cute and that I had a crush, and when I kissed you and put hands on you, I think I misled you and myself. I wanted to be friends with you enough to agree to a level of vulnerability I've only offered to one other person in my life. I wanted to be friends so, so much, and I don't think friendship is relegated to any boxes but the ones we build for it ourselves.

I'm comfortable with being a friend in whatever way others want, because I'm constantly working to queer my friendships and dismantle amatonormativity in my life. And so having a good friend who holds hands, or kisses me on the mouth, or Even whom I fuck or am fucked by, that's all perfectly capable of being held platonically in my head and heart. What hurts and it's difficult for me is understanding where romantic feelings entered the equation - I have a deep well of love and affection for my friends, and I was building a place in my heart for you as my friend too.

And everything is negotiable, of course, I have many friends with whom boundaries and levels of touch have shifted over time, in any number of ways. But I am not great at leading in a friendship because of how I invest in mine - I allow my friends to lead with what they are comfortable with because I am inherently a needy little ace who lives for tactile experiences and ephemeral ones - and so I can always follow where others lead but I can't generally identify my own desires out of friendship, aside from a sounding board that is willing to ignore me most of the time. I know how contrary that sounds but functionally speaking, I talk a lot but most of it is noise and needing that noise out where someone can see it, if they want. I'm working on that.

If I could be any clearer on that, I'd like to try, but I'm a lot better at identifying myself through others' interrogation, because I have spent so much of my life ignored and set aside and boxed up. I live as a fragmented and compartmentalized self, and while I am working constantly to reintegrate, it is an incredible difficulty to be placed in the position of having to lead the way in something I've never experienced before - and every friendship is a different and unique experience which I work to honor individually.

I also want to clarify that while everything I said was honest, I could certainly have chosen a kinder delivery, and I do feel a bit badly about the hostility that could have come across. My intentions rarely come across well, I've noticed.

I guess I just. Want to say that the door is still open on this side of things, and I miss having a friend like you around, to listen to and to talk with. And if, at any point, you feel the same, I'd like to see where that could lead, because you really are wonderful as a friend, and fascinating as a person.

Thank you, either way, for the early care and the kindness. I'm not sure I deserved either, but they were lovely while they lasted. And next time you've got a note during a show, please just give the note - emailed notes just fry my already-bad brain.

It's melancholy hours so I should go to bed but I'm just thinking so much and so loudly

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

I do claim myself as a whole Libra Rat Man tho

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

Weirdest thing to be reflecting on right now but I got a yen to look up palmistry tonight and lol

I'm having many thoughts and Feelings about this situation now funny enough because despite Knowing that ever single part of taking on this show wouldn't really be good for me

I did it

I was so fucking mad and hurt about all of this and I think that those feelings have had time to settle but I still feel the gap where I built room for someone else in my day and life

And in many ways the ability to reflect on this now has given me a lot of personal insight because I went back and read the copy I used to Write The Thing

And I have come to realize just how hurtful the entirety of what I wrote could be taken

Because honesty doesn't mean nice

And that's likely the biggest lesson I've learned from all of this

There's the honesty that's sweet and easy but then there's this kind that's so brutal it rips your throat out last so you suffer

And I know that I'm within my rights to record my feelings and share them and feel them, aaaaand I Know that those feelings aren't a reflection of reality as a whole -they are a complex reflection and reaction to the life I've lived and the world as I've experienced it

The most difficult thing to reconcile since taking on a show in an emergency that I had absolutely no intention of working on because in so many ways has this experience ruined my experience of the show that I loved, flaws and all

Well it's, let me just say, seeing the person I sent that to so quickly after the Slap in December, on a show I had no business being involved in, arriving Not At All to a meeting that had been on their calendar for LITERALLYYYYYYYYY a year

Left me actually even more slapped

And I'm beginning to understand that reaction having read the message I sent in September

But it still feels unbalanced as hell. I felt blindsided and I was being honest with my feelings, as agreed, after repeated attempts to get my friend to explain their headspace to me or at least have a conversation over the phone

And I'm just

I was reading this astrology thing and I Know it's all Woo and intentionally vague and broad but what I find fascination with is that this is a karmic match thing according to the Internet and I know how that sounds too but it did get me thinking of this friend, this situation, that's already been Heavily on my mind in recent weeks given my taking on a show on short notice 4 weeks into rehearsal

And I can't really say I'm surprised at the way it reads so much as the part where it's gender affirming when I read it based on how I felt genderly when with them

That sounds dumb but I Know

I just fucking know ok

I'm not even surprised I made it over 2 pages in length

I'm really just surprised that I was able to put myself in yet another vulnerable position with them

And yeah I did kind of undercut that by waiting till I knew they'd be asleep to send it so I won't be surprised at all if they go full ghost tomorrow

Just based on that

But uh

I did the thing and no matter how much it aches, I actually stood up for myself and explained myself and was very clear that my issue isn't continuing a friendship

It's the part where they handled this so weirdly after they were the one that brought sex to the metaphorical table

Like

Ahhhhhhh

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

And the 5 journal pages' worth of frustration, hurt, and so on:

First thing first - you cannot possibly understand the frustration that I am feeling, because since the first message I received from you 7 days ago, I have been exceedingly cautious in sharing any aspect of my emotional state with you.

I appreciate that you no longer want to continue the things you started with me, and it's your right to express those needs and boundaries, and my responsibility to honor them. I'd like to add, I didn't know that your interpretation of what was happening between us had changed to a romantic one, because at No Point was that something you deigned to share with me.

Third, it feels extremely callous, cruel, and hollow to say that you consider me a valued friend after the way you elected to handle this. And I'm sure you're being honest with that, so allow me to return that honesty. I don't feel valued. I mostly feel used. I feel as though I have been open, honest, trusting, and vulnerable, an done my level best to remain supportive, and in return, I have been taken advantage of for someone else's comfort or convenience.

What is further hurtful, and presumptuous, was the way you decided to reiterate your expectation of professional courtesy. It felt like you were addressing a child. Do you genuinely believe I am so emotionally volatile that, just because you've done something that hurt me, I'm going to shout to everyone we work with that we slept together? I don't actually need an answer to that, because the motivation behind the phrasing isn't what matters to me. It's that the phrasing you chose there feels incredibly telling of what you think of me. Far be it from me to assume your mindset, but it reads as though you think this liaison has somehow compromised my judgement so thoroughly that the basics of professionalism would somehow be lost on me. And whether that is an accurate read of your intention or not, it also left me wondering what I could possibly have done in the last several weeks to have given you such a low opinion of my professional ethics.

To reiterate something from the third point, I don't feel like these are things one friend would do to another, especially one they say that they value. You don't owe me a reciprocal relationship, just as you don't owe me an explanation of how you arrived at this decision, but all the same, I don't feel as though the friend I've been to you has been met with the same energy, if this was the best way you could think to say this to me.

Either way, I'm gonna be very fucking honest here and say that, if any of the conclusions I've reached in interpreting your words and handling of this situation are true, I'd seriously hesitate to call you any kind of a friend of mine. I cannot be friends with people who lie to me or avoid me, and it's already a hard enough pill to swallow that you didn't lean on this valued friend while dealing with whatever emotional weight has led you to this handling of things. I'm also hurt that, the way this most recent response was phrased, has fully closed the door on discussing any of what has happened between us up to now, all while seeming to presume that I'm going to go out of my way to harm not only your professional reputation, but my own with it. And by sharing something with others that feels more and more like a catastrophic error in judgement and trust, the more I sit in these feelings.

As I'm sure you can imagine, there's a reason I've been so fucking quiet about my own feelings thus far, and I genuinely don't appreciate having someone, who thought the best avenue for this discussion was SnapChat instead of the myriad other ways available, sitting here and telling me they understand what I have very consciously and pointedly Not expressed thus far. Primarily because I was waiting for any of the subtext I was getting out of these messages to be proven wrong even slightly.

OK. Bottom to top of your last missive:

I need you to actually look at your actions toward me in the past 7 days, and even beyond that probably, but it's definitely felt in the last week. I need you to ask yourself exactly how kind and respectful these actions toward me have been, and how much consideration my feelings and I actually received here. I will treat you with kindness and respect going forward, of course, but I would like you to consider how much of that you've actually shown me recently, and how honest you've actually been with me in that same time.

It feels especially fucked because I have been vulnerable with you in ways I've never been vulnerable with a friend, and shared more of my queerness than I frankly feel now I should've. I feel as though my queerness was taken advantage of in the process of getting here, and that's probably just my hurt feelings talking, but it's a feeling that directly relates to how you've elected to handle things since last Thursday.

I could absolutely be wrong, so please correct me if that's the case, but by my recollection, I have consistently honored and considered your boundaries around our professional and personal relationship. And I feel like at this point, the ship has sailed for discomfort - unless you can find better ways to explain the actions you've taken here, I'm gonna be uncomfortable with you. I will do my very best not to make you uncomfortable at work, but because I feel like I was honest and vulnerable and it was still somehow the wrong fucking call, I can't imagine a world where I am comfortable in the same space as you. I will communicate respectfully, and I will maintain the professional courtesy you are due as a colleague, but I do not appreciate being treated like a petulant child for trying to understand what's going on here.

You have every right to choose who you sleep with and for how long. But you also need to accept that when you fuck somebody you see at work that is complicated and while I will maintain composure professionally in your presence, you cannot be surprised about professional fallout. In this case, I find it particularly insulting, and I'm sure you didn't intend it to be, but it still reads as if you expect me to go out of my way to tell anyone and everyone I work with about this.

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. But please do not attempt to tell me, after the way you've handled this, that you value me. I'd love to understand how asking me to date you in April, and continuously moving the goal posts on that point until fully lying to me about dating me at all in August, I'm trying so very hard to understand what kind of a friend you take me for, if not a doormat of a person. And to claim that you value me after the way you've handled ending things this way, reeks of the same kind of dishonesty. I do not feel like a valued friend whose feelings were in any way considered while you were attempting to make this decision and figure out how to tell me.

To the first point, the "I was offering the onus because I wanted to offer whatever control of the circumstances I could; I understand and appreciate that frustration," well. I cannot understand this except as an excuse for bad behavior, or as an attempt to try to keep me as your friend for your benefit without actually answering my questions directly with what you need out of a friendship with me. I don't need friends who hurt me, and I don't need friends who are so completely blind to their own feelings that they hurt me in the process of figuring those out this way. Triply so because I currently have more things to say than I can fathom, but I cannot trust you to hear them. Which is why you saying that you understand my frustration feels really bold - this is me scraping the surface of what I'm feeling, and I have so far kept my feelings very far from your purview since we began this discussion, so how you possibly think you can understand my frustration is frankly beyond me.

At this moment, I am hurt, and angry, and my trust has been shattered, because of your choice to both obfuscate that this was a problem before now, and your choice to bring it up the way you did when you finally decided I deserved to know. I don't feel as though you've considered my feelings at all in this - and you don't have to, but if you're going to claim you have, it would be a good idea to ask what those might be instead of assuming you know what they are from what I'm not telling you. Please, don't take this as my not wanting you in my life. I'd like nothing more than to have a good friend like you. But I don't feel, at this moment, as though you've been a very good friend to me in the last week, and that has deeply colored everything else about our friendship for me. Because right now, I feel lied to, and I feel that there is nobody less deserving of my friendship. I am very, very willing to be proven wrong, but the current circumstances have left me feeling like I was stupid to expect any kind of consideration in the first place.

I hurt a lot but I'm gonna put this here for later

"Hey, I’ve been doing some reflection, and I want to keep our connection as platonic-friends moving forward. It’s not about you; it’s about my own changing preferences and priorities. I genuinely hope we can continue being friends, and I apologize if my message seems a bit clinical; I just want to be clear and honest with you. I hope you understand, and hope you had a good night."

Because I have spent myself on tears and tomorrow I need to actually address this in a way that's even remotely sufficient and idk how

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

"Platitudes" - as best I can manage

I appreciate how difficult honesty around one's own feelings are, and I appreciate what, of that, I've received from you. On this point, I only have one thing to add, which is that there is no possible way for you to understand the magnitude of what I am feeling, because you haven't asked, and I haven't offered. I don't feel like this is currently a place where I can safely share the way I'm feeling, so honestly, it's just more hurtful that you keep saying you understand what you very much do not and cannot.

I'm not interested in closing the door permanently on being friends with you. That said, at this time, I feel hurt and disrespected by the way you have chosen to handle this. Until I have found a way to trust my own judgement in others, and trust that you won't treat me with this disregard again, I would feel safest with some distance from you - outside of the demands of our jobs, of course. I can maintain polite and professional behavior, but it would be best for me if you gave me a great deal of space as best you're able, until I can find some sense of safety in trying to be your friend.

I have a lot of things I need to spend time with myself on where this is concerned, but I do want to ask that, if you'd like to be my friend, you also consider the way you've handled this, and reconsider how your actions in the last week have hurt. More to the point, I think you should seriously reconsider how you treat your friends, because nothing in the way you've gone about this feels like the way somebody should treat a "valued friend," and I'd like you to appreciate at least a bit how much dissonance was inspired by those actions paired with the words you've said.

I hurt a lot but I'm gonna put this here for later

"Hey, I’ve been doing some reflection, and I want to keep our connection as platonic-friends moving forward. It’s not about you; it’s about my own changing preferences and priorities. I genuinely hope we can continue being friends, and I apologize if my message seems a bit clinical; I just want to be clear and honest with you. I hope you understand, and hope you had a good night."

Because I have spent myself on tears and tomorrow I need to actually address this in a way that's even remotely sufficient and idk how

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

Updates:

They said

I agree, if it helps with easing into that discovery, we could start with a friendly professionalism and negotiate from there. I specified “platonic” because throughout this we have been friends, but I understand and value how that has been shaken. I understand the frustration with the medium, and I’m sorry for that. We were only seeing each other at work, and didn’t want to be disruptive. I was not trying to be hurtful, and understand that it was. I was hoping this was a useful avenue for rumination, but you all the same deserved a conversation. I appreciate that ouch of phrasing, it had not crossed my mind when I said it. I was trying to be clear about where my head was with all this, but that’s a more than fair assertion. For whatever it’s worth, that was not an intended subtext. I hope you had a good weekend as well, merry Sunday.

To which I replied

I'm interested in being honest, but I'm not feeling very good with words right now. Here's the thing though. If this isn't about me, and it's not, then I'm not the one who needs to express what they need out of this friendship. Because I have done my best to be clear and honest about my needs, and my needs were in fact being met. If yours are not, I need you to tell me what you need to change and how that looks. My issue with your use of platonic is really that it's vague and meaningless on its own, when we have had sex platonically on more than one occasion. I think it's altogether unfair to bring to me that things aren't working for you, and then likewise deflect the onus of redefining things onto me, even by accident. So I'm asking, what do you want? What would help you? What do you need to change?

And now we're here, sitting with this answer from them

Thank you for understanding my response time. I was offering that onus because I wanted to offer whatever control of the circumstances I could; I understand and appreciate that frustration. I want to start by saying I’ve appreciated our time spent together. I am no longer comfortable maintaining a sexual, romantic, or amorous relationship with you. I value you as a friend and have enjoyed very much how we have spent our time together. I would be interested in continuing that friendship with those understandings. I understand that the transition may not be easy or even interesting to you, and would have a great deal of respect for what you are looking for here. Without consideration of where the above ends up, I would greatly appreciate a level of professional courtesy. When I say that, I mean that we could still communicate respectfully and consider each other’s boundaries and feelings. This could include refraining from discussing our past intimate experiences or making active efforts to avoid making one another uncomfortable. I want to continue to treat each other with kindness and respect.

And I've got so much to say but the words are failing me right now

I hurt a lot but I'm gonna put this here for later

"Hey, I’ve been doing some reflection, and I want to keep our connection as platonic-friends moving forward. It’s not about you; it’s about my own changing preferences and priorities. I genuinely hope we can continue being friends, and I apologize if my message seems a bit clinical; I just want to be clear and honest with you. I hope you understand, and hope you had a good night."

Because I have spent myself on tears and tomorrow I need to actually address this in a way that's even remotely sufficient and idk how

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

Updates:

They said

I agree, if it helps with easing into that discovery, we could start with a friendly professionalism and negotiate from there. I specified “platonic” because throughout this we have been friends, but I understand and value how that has been shaken. I understand the frustration with the medium, and I’m sorry for that. We were only seeing each other at work, and didn’t want to be disruptive. I was not trying to be hurtful, and understand that it was. I was hoping this was a useful avenue for rumination, but you all the same deserved a conversation. I appreciate that ouch of phrasing, it had not crossed my mind when I said it. I was trying to be clear about where my head was with all this, but that’s a more than fair assertion. For whatever it’s worth, that was not an intended subtext. I hope you had a good weekend as well, merry Sunday.

To which I replied

I'm interested in being honest, but I'm not feeling very good with words right now. Here's the thing though. If this isn't about me, and it's not, then I'm not the one who needs to express what they need out of this friendship. Because I have done my best to be clear and honest about my needs, and my needs were in fact being met. If yours are not, I need you to tell me what you need to change and how that looks. My issue with your use of platonic is really that it's vague and meaningless on its own, when we have had sex platonically on more than one occasion. I think it's altogether unfair to bring to me that things aren't working for you, and then likewise deflect the onus of redefining things onto me, even by accident. So I'm asking, what do you want? What would help you? What do you need to change?

And now we're here, sitting with this answer from them

Thank you for understanding my response time. I was offering that onus because I wanted to offer whatever control of the circumstances I could; I understand and appreciate that frustration. I want to start by saying I’ve appreciated our time spent together. I am no longer comfortable maintaining a sexual, romantic, or amorous relationship with you. I value you as a friend and have enjoyed very much how we have spent our time together. I would be interested in continuing that friendship with those understandings. I understand that the transition may not be easy or even interesting to you, and would have a great deal of respect for what you are looking for here. Without consideration of where the above ends up, I would greatly appreciate a level of professional courtesy. When I say that, I mean that we could still communicate respectfully and consider each other’s boundaries and feelings. This could include refraining from discussing our past intimate experiences or making active efforts to avoid making one another uncomfortable. I want to continue to treat each other with kindness and respect.

And I've got so much to say but the words are failing me right now

I hurt a lot but I'm gonna put this here for later

"Hey, I’ve been doing some reflection, and I want to keep our connection as platonic-friends moving forward. It’s not about you; it’s about my own changing preferences and priorities. I genuinely hope we can continue being friends, and I apologize if my message seems a bit clinical; I just want to be clear and honest with you. I hope you understand, and hope you had a good night."

Because I have spent myself on tears and tomorrow I need to actually address this in a way that's even remotely sufficient and idk how

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

I think I've found words for a response but I'm worried about the tone.

Hi there. I've taken a bit of time to reflect on what you said and I've found the capacity to address it. First, let me say I appreciate your honesty. I do feel that the choice of medium doesn't reflect that honesty well, but I appreciate it all the same.

Second, I am interested in staying friends, but I do have a few concerns about how that looks - or really, I'm worried that you and I might be miscommunicating if we simply say platonic friends if, for example, what you meant is professional friends. I don't think we've communicated very clearly about how these things look, or overlap, and that is a big challenge to overcome if we're to move forward as friends in any aspect. This is especially vital to me, as I have quite a personal stake in my platonic relationships, and that's a whole lot of my queer journey you haven't necessarily asked to hear or signed up for.

All that said, I do think that an essential part of moving forward is going to have to be reintroduction and renegotiation on a different, more neutral ground, if platonic friendship is your goal here. To be real, a renegotiation feels vital regardless of what framework of friendship we're looking at.

Either way, I do want to add that I was blindsided by the decision to divulge this information over text, rather than having a conversation face to face, and clinical was not the adjective I'd have used, but it is a good one. To be honest, the most glaring challenge I had with your clinical approach was the choice to use the phrase "It's not about you." The weight of that phrase is especially loaded given the cultural context we both live in, and that context doesn't generally leave the receiver with any doubt that it's actually, totally about them. To be quite clear here, I don't think that is a choice of phrase that can be made or accepted lightly, and I am choosing to engage in good faith that your intention was not the broadly accepted cultural understanding of that phrase. I have further questions and concerns regarding that specific choice, especially given that it does have the effect of undercutting much of the sincerity of what was said otherwise. Overall, I think the choices made here have given me a lot to reflect on as well, I look forward to figuring out what the next step is from here, and I hope you had a good weekend.

I hurt a lot but I'm gonna put this here for later

"Hey, I’ve been doing some reflection, and I want to keep our connection as platonic-friends moving forward. It’s not about you; it’s about my own changing preferences and priorities. I genuinely hope we can continue being friends, and I apologize if my message seems a bit clinical; I just want to be clear and honest with you. I hope you understand, and hope you had a good night."

Because I have spent myself on tears and tomorrow I need to actually address this in a way that's even remotely sufficient and idk how

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

still stuck at aziraphale thinking angel!crowley is coming onto him btw. haven't moved from there. they'd known each other for all of a minute. no human influence. and aziraphale thinks crowley is casually telling HIM he's gorgeous and is flattered before he realizes crowley's not talking to him. absolutely embarrassing duo since the beginning of time. made for each other. never stood a chance.

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

It's just

Like

It's been the better part of 6 months and as kind as they've been to me generally

I don't feel like they've been much of a friend

It feels...I dunno

Like I was being led on somehow

Like they started this whole thing with "I'd like to date you" and every time that goal post changed I was happy to work with what they were offering but I can't really see a way forward from here because I feel like I put a whole lot more of myself into this connection than they did and I still feel like I barely know them

And well what the fuck do you say to that anyway

Sure let's be friends

Fuck man, if you wanna be friends then be my friend. Getting quiet when I'm around you isn't it and I don't exactly know how to act if you don't give me a lead to follow here

Ignoring and avoiding someone isn't friend behavior and not being honest until now makes me feel even more like this was a planned thing

You got your short order banging and now you're just dipping while you're ahead?

Could've just been up front in August instead of leading me on like that

I'd have fully accepted that without a concern. But you wait an extra 6 weeks and then just drop this on me what am I supposed to think here

What do you want me to say

What the fuck

Like. Clinical-sounding wasn't even the issue. The tone of it was fine except that the timing was literally garbage and then makes me feel like all that honesty is just lip service

The tone was fine until you called it out, at which point I felt lied to

And I can analyze a million different possible subtexts here but the core here is nobody ever just says it's not about you without it being a little about them

And let's stay friends sounds fake as hell given the behavior towards me recently so I dunno

Give me a clue I guess. What do you want from me

Be clear as crystal

Don't worry about my feelings, fuck knows that's already out the window

What's on your mind and why is it that I know more about your prescription history than your thoughts feelings and worldview

Why do I feel like the guilty party for just reaching out

That'll show me to make friends I guess

Gods

Friends

Fuck you and fuck that

Friends 🙄 give me a fuckin break

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

I hurt a lot but I'm gonna put this here for later

"Hey, I’ve been doing some reflection, and I want to keep our connection as platonic-friends moving forward. It’s not about you; it’s about my own changing preferences and priorities. I genuinely hope we can continue being friends, and I apologize if my message seems a bit clinical; I just want to be clear and honest with you. I hope you understand, and hope you had a good night."

Because I have spent myself on tears and tomorrow I need to actually address this in a way that's even remotely sufficient and idk how

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

I just very much need them to know that they're so pretty and I could do a lot of inadvisable things for them already

I realize that's ridiculous and to much and maybe even unhinged

But facts though

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

Body mods!

3 tattoos woo

The previous piercings I've noted are still in, and I've got my nipples pierced, which is double and cause since May I've been able to have fun with the jewelry and I'm Loving this

[itsmidnightin-sanfrancisco]

I dunno if it can even be counted as an actual red flag so it's just going here I guess

I'm having trouble keeping an internal inventory of how I'm feeling, with regard to my relationship with them

But I can't think of a time when I wasn't actively trying to be present with them and potentially even succeeding

Since April

And

I guess my biggest worry is day 89

And the sensation that I'm so used to, where being warned of an impending discussion of any sort of importance leads to intent inherent catastrophic thinking

Because I'm so used to the other shoe dropping and often feel like the only reason I've held onto the friends I've kept till now is the fluke of all of them being equally good at dropping and picking right back up as time and energy allows

I can't even find the right words so

Tomorrow night, date with them, talking while sober, 'have more words and resources now'

And just feeling very caught out with being completely uncertain what shape that conversation will take but knowing that as scary as it feels for me

I'm just also feeling honored that I'm in an emotional place where I have the ability to acknowledge that sensation and remember that just because catastrophizing is an easy and safe reaction based on previous experience, does not mean that this same coping tool isn't currently hurting me

And putting shields up all around my mental and emotional self instead of simply placing clear boundaries is a bad former habit that creeps up on me but I'm allowed to recognize those moments, exist in them, and then still remember that it's just as likely to not happen that way