ivnjamion - Tumblr blog

[ivnjamion]

it's been a long time...

I'm writing tonight because I feel like it. I felt this heavyweight of nostalgia. Suddenly there's a lump in my throat, slowly choking on tears and thoughts rushing in.

Has anyone here felt something, thoughts or memories, that has stopped them from their reverie?

A single memory? or a particular smell? or a perfect afternoon? A lot of these things enveloped my mind. Covering most of my current and waking thoughts. My mind is ablaze with nostalgic memories of sadness and happiness. My emotions cannot be conveyed whether to cry or smile at the feelings. I miss people. I miss certain people. Some of them I wish were here with me, some not. I miss the version of them at that certain point in my life but not the person they are now. People change and grow up, all of the time, some you grew apart with. There are times I wish I could go back in time to feel the moment the second time. I know it will not be the same. That some thought would make me feel different and if it was worth feeling the second time.

This writing is a mess. I just scrambled some words I felt.

[ivnjamion]

So, I answered some asks from like 6 years ago or more. I hope you guys are still here. <3

[ivnjamion]

I miss you. I'm always here for you. See you soon.

I miss you too bhie. See you bago sana ako madeds. Eme

[ivnjamion]

Sa tingin mo bakit naka-shades si anon?

Kasi red yung eyes niya from smoking good sh*t. jk hahahaha

PS this asks are from years ago pa. May mga hindi pala ako nasagot.

[ivnjamion]

Bakit pala?! Hahahahaha.

Bakit hindi? Ano problema mo Eldorn? Hahahaha miss you bhie. Sana magkajowa ka na. <3

[ivnjamion]

I love you and your photos. Hahaha. Just kidding. Nice blog. 😁😁😁

Ngayon niyo tapangan, single na ako. JK HAHAHAHA

[ivnjamion]

Kuya ivan, lagi nagvivibrate kiffy ko every single time you drop your wisdom into words. Thank you.

OMG. Thanks. Hahaha. I don't know how to react. Grateful for the appreciation. <3

[ivnjamion]

lost the game of chances

Hello, I hope you're doing well. I miss you or the way you were. I thought of you, a lot actually, this passed few days. It was bittersweet. I was listening new album of Taylor Swift, our favorite. That's the commencement of my reminiscing of the passed days. I remember just talking to you about everything. I remember you listening to me at 2AM, crying because I miss my friend and I feel so alone in my room. I called you, not knowing if you would still answer. You did, I told you everything in few words. You let me cry, you let me feel my feelings. You comfort me. That's one thing that I always think about. You're my only ally in this world full of challenges and enemies and me. Yes, thank you for trying to make me fight the bad in me and comfort the good. I'm forever grateful for whatever we had. You were my first experience in a good relationship. I never thought we would be cut short. How did it end?

I still don't know. We both decided it. We both cried. To be honest, I wanted freedom and peace and it hasn't been peaceful and freeing. It was good but it might have been already run its course and completed it. There's nothing more to it for us. It was just it. It's been more than 3 months. 3-month rule, right? I missed us but it was best for us to grow separately. It was best for us to be me and you. To let go of things that binds us and grow. We took the chance for us but the chance is temporary. Life made us, momentarily. The rest is for you and me to discover on our own. There was us, now me and you.

Had a good run.

A moment of warm sun,

But I'm not the one.

So long.

[ivnjamion]

in all the familiar places

Today, I look at the calendar on my desk. It was still in January. I didn't notice to flip it to February and March. I miss it twice and never notice. I remember you maybe once or twice a day. In all familiar places, you crossed my mind. It reminds me of a memory I long to forget while also enveloping me of old and cathartic feeling. There's a sense of relief and sadness at the same time. Anticlimactic but also freeing. I'm never there anymore but, sometimes, I visit. In all the familiar places, moments and memories has brought me tranquility that I once was there. The same feeling I had at the time is now the cold center at my core.

The nostalgic feeling in my guts, the ghosts of the butterflies that was once there.

In all the familiar places, I see you and now I just look at it with a distant feeling of what was once there and never left. The love that was in the past and never moved. It did not grow for it was never meant to. It reached its conclusion and finished it's completion. Marooned by the two person that has to continue their paths. Not together but for the better.

In all the familiar places, I saw you and I just looked.

[ivnjamion]

in someplace else

I remember waking up to a cool breeze of early morning. I wake up in Cebu. It's early in the morning and I was not there a week before. I was in someplace else. This new feeling enveloped me.

As I try to sleep in, I was pushed out of my reverie. I am in someplace else. Unfamiliar feeling and unstable ground, this is what I was feeling. How am I going to navigate life in a place I've never been before? How am I going to find my footing in a place where awareness is outnumbered by peculiarity and newness of reality.

I barely speak the language but I'm here. I need to be in the present, to participate. Life took turns in expected and unexpected ways. I was imagining this until I'm not, now I'm here until I'm not.

In someplace else, I try to find a home, a room and a sit at the table I was directed to.

In months, days and or years, I'll be in someplace else. To accept and grab the opportunities and moments as they come. To be still, learn and to move. To progress, even little by little. To see the life we have to live. To be in someplace else.

[ivnjamion]

am I doing this wrong

I have been on the process of healing and detaching from previous relationship. I wanted to be able to write about it clearly but i can't wrap my head around it or maybe I'm just indenial of some truths.

Am I doing this process wrong or is there a proper way to do this? In my mind, I'm trying to do things fast because I want to get out of this misery.

I remember some advice from years ago. When going through something, go through it, feel it, savor it. Then went through it. How do I do it? How do I not do it wrong?

[ivnjamion]

;

It's been a week. It's been long seven days since I broke up with my partner. I don't want to write it in detailed narration. My point of view is bias to my own feelings, emotions and issues. Nonetheless, it was a clean breakup. There was no fight or hard feelings. There's just these issues that was beyond resolving. There was no next point, now leveling up , no moving forward. We're stuck. Maybe it was the end of it or maybe it was not. I'll never know and I dn't know if I will. As much as I isolate myself, I always wanted to find my place. And it was not it. I got to keep moving even alone. I don't want to go to any further. I'll just accept it as it is.

I want to write more about my life a week after.

There's some sense of relief, to be honest, but also there's some sort loss. A mixed feeling of wanting something and nothing at all. I, for a moment, lost my mind. I didn't know what to do or how to react or how to move, literally and figuratively. I was in bed all day, thinking of what could've been and what I would've been. It was all lost to fire. It was burning and we stood there. Immovable at the mess. I get up drink a little and went to work. After all, I need money to still, physically, live.

I continue live as to how I did before. Everytime I thought of something I wanted to tell you about it but you're gone. There's no one to tell my daily nonsense and rants. There's no one to vent to, I was lost. There are a lot of cat videos that I wasn't able to send. I was going places where we go hoping that I might be able to replace my memory of you there but I can't. I went to places I didn't even went with you but I still want to tell you how funny their displays were. I want to tell how tiring my day was because, somehow, I will be relieved that there was someone ready to listen. Things change, of course. It was not always like that but, oh god, how amazing all those things felt. To know that at two in the morning there was someone willing to answer a phone with only me cryin on the other line because I miss my friends or to have someone hold when I felt scared or when I felt lonely. To have someone I know to catch if I fall and to cheer with me when I succeed. It was a beautiful two years of my life. I would never ask for anything more than that. I want to feel that again but it was too early for me to say that. The wound is fresh and the healing is just starting. As I told you, I'll always remember you enthusiastic smile and energy. You make my introvert self enjoy the things this world only offer if I am willing to grab it.

I miss it but I also miss me. I don't know if I made the right decision, I hope I did.

I will write again about this if I feel like it. There's a lot of things left in my chest, I can barely breathe.

[ivnjamion]

Hello, 2024

Happy New Year everyone.

Everyone is posting their greetings and family photos. It was fun. All my relatives posted it on Facebook. They all look really happy going into 2024. And I'm here, sitting in front of my computer and greeting them back.

I wish I could've taken photos and videos more of my 2023 but I, decidedly, think it was a convoluted mess of happiness and struggles and nothing I could've done would've saved it from being what it is now. I spent this holiday again with my brother. It's always been like this for years now as it seemed like it's going to be from now on. I miss celebrating with my family and going to each of the houses of my titas but I can't anymore because it seems like the only family I have left is my brother. It was always us. No matter how I wish we celebrate it like before, I can't. It will be us to 2024 and beyond.

This year, I'll choose myself. My own happiness and my own joy. I feel like I always play in between being a part of other people's happiness and compromising mine. But now, I choose myself. It was long overdue.

Cheers to 2024.

[ivnjamion]

Are u based in ph?

Yes. Currently working in Metro Manila. Why? :)

[ivnjamion]

'tis the damn season

Oct. 2023 / Nikon D3200 50mm f1.8

[ivnjamion]

Oct. 2023 / Nikon D3200 50mm f1.8

[ivnjamion]

Oct. 2023 / Nikon D3200 50mm f1.8