iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

How could you possibly know I am thinking of you all day and all night and I see you in all the decisions I make and the books I read and the stories I tell.

How could you know when I have nothing visible to show for it.

When every part of me is peculiar and symbolic. How do you know.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

Always thinking that you were the one who loved them more and then realizing it was them the whole time so now you of course feel bad for not living up to yourself.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

And the sky was bluer

And my walks got longer

And i hugged more people

And smiled at strangers

And sang out loud, danced all the time

This is some sort of love letter to God or earth or myself.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

And if im being honest it is special to me and i wished i could have outwardly expressed this

I wish i couldve screamed it from rooftops and stopped strangers to whisper it in their ears

But everyone i knew minimized all of it

So even the truly special moments were just giggles from friends

And they didnt mean it harshly but thats something that really made me bitter.

So i guess its neither of our faults.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

My teeth are tight and im begging for betrayal-that way I know for certain you are not the one and I can confirm that my suspected delusions have been right this whole time.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

I want to get drunk with just one other person.

I want to dance till we both crash on the couch and I want us to stare into each others eyes.

I want to be held while I laugh and I want to embarrass myself.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

I think the point of life, of all of this, is to be silly. That is the conclusion I have made.

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

It is an innate female desire to figure out.

We figure things out. To a degree that spills into lives and stories that are not our own never have been and never will be. This responsibility requires a sort of soul-splitting. A severing of self. A fissure of whats yours. You are veering off your own life and stumbling down paths that were never made for you.

But we figure it out.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

I have had such a deep understanding of my emotions from such a young age that now i try to tackle, grapple, and contextualize every thought, feeling, or aquisition in order to make it digestable.

When, in reality, sometimes you just are and you just do and that is good. An over analysis will not figure it out.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

Being hopelessly romantic as a woman is slightly discomforting. Men are classically hopeless romantics. Its a trope. A positive attribute. Something to swoon over. But as a women…as a women that I know…it feels wrong. My other women friends do not ache as I do. They do not get drunk and write in their journal until their wrist goes limp. They do not beg at night for an ex to move on so they do not have to bare the burden of what if. They think…do…and get over all acts and anti-acts of love.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

I write a lot about metaphorical abandonment and past lovers but what I wish to write more about is my best friend.

All of her being is a refuge to my soul,

It is coming home and kicking off shoes,

She is an umbrella in a downpour and the sunshine that follows.

She hugs me and holds me when im not even sure why,

She looks around rooms and makes eye contact and smiles and runs away,

She grabs your arm and pulls you in to dance.

The sweet sisterhood of best friends.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

I wish I could talk to my favorite songwriters and ask them how they got over it.

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

People are dancing, the world is spinning, we are good!

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

It was nearly 10 pm—

It was nearly 10 pm and my phone buzzed and my screen lit up but I was in the other room,

When I finally raised my phone to my face I saw those four letters and I lit up a bit but mostly tried to keep my composure—

I tried to keep my composure even though I was the only one in that room and I was the only one reading that message.

You recommended I read the book my best friend lent to you and that one of the movies I cried to on your small sofa was based on,

So when break is over we will meet up and you will lend me that book—

And when you lend me that book I will think way too much about it and my mind will wander for ages and I will love it,

I will love it because it means my soul is singing and my brain is working and we are tethered by something—

And that is enough for now.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

Well,

Finally my soul sighed and relief went from my head to my toes.

I’ve learned fear and excitement are not that different.

I trust myself enough now to hold my feelings accountable.

So I will listen to my soul and its wavering, I will try my best to understand even when it changes—and then changes again, and I will be brave enough to open my chest and allow someone to sit.

-iwannalookoutthewindow

[iwannalookoutthewindow]

It is so hard being so certain about things.