jac4vr-blog

[jac4vr-blog]

Today I think about how I’ve treated my wife through our 17 years of marriage. There have definitely been a lot of good things that have happened between us, but my attitude towards women and how I’ve talked to my wife in some instances is unacceptable. Unfortunately my realization of this was there, but I denied it. My entire childhood I was around my grandfather who was an ass to his wife. I also got to see my father treat my mom (they weren’t ever married they had me and I don’t remember ever living with my dad) like she was an idiot! I know that my wife does not deserve to be spoken to like I have so many times. I wish I could go back. My poor wife! There’s no way in hell that she deserved that type of treatment. I should have realized this long ago. What have I done to this wonderful woman?? Even though I realize this, can I overcome this insensitivity?

So far today is just another day. My wife and I have created so much over the past 19 years and I have ruined all of it. We have friends that are closer than family. Mike, Sue, the boys, Chris, Jess, the girls, Colleen, Paul, the girls, there are moms, dads, aunts, uncles, and siblings that we have shared experiences with. I think the people mentioned above know how important they are to me. I want them to know how sorry I am for putting my family in this situation. It is impossible, but if I could take it all back there would be no hesitation. I made a big mistake! I never meant to hurt anyone, my decisions, actions were poor, very poor! 2017 will of course be completely different than previous years. We used to do many things with friends and family. Right now I believe that is off the table for the most part. If it ever comes back around you can bet your ass that I will never let it go again. My wife and kids should have been my top priority and I took them for granted. My wife and I used to talk about others that were in a divorce situation, we would always say that we didn’t want that for us. Look what I’ve done. I recently talked to a friend that was divorced 5-6 years ago. He told me that if there’s any love or emotion between you and your wife then you guys should try. He let me know how it sucked going through a divorce especially with a kid. Someday I hope my wife will want to work on our relationship! Since all of this started I have made many mistakes in dealing with the situation. I haven’t been smart or thoughtful in dealing with any of this. Since late March, early April I have been talking to a counselor who seems to have an understanding of my situation. I am struggling with what I’ve done, but I am starting to understand my issues and I am confident that I can handle them as they arise throughout the rest of my life. It took way too long and I've possibly lost too much to come to this. I really hope my wife can see what we were and maybe she will decide that we are worth the fight!

My marriage failure

I am trying to come up with a way to cope with the fact that my marriage may be over. I unfortunately I’ve made some mistakes over 19 years that brings me to this day. 2017 is looking like the worst year that I’ll ever live through. My wonderful daughters have no idea what’s about to hit them. I am still a speck hopeful that it may not get that far.

My world started to fall apart and get confusing to me in October of 2016. I had all these wonderful things, my wife, my daughters, a beautiful house, stuff, friendships and family that were forever! I decided to engage in some texting with one woman and hanging out with another. (I still ask myself why) I am having a really hard time dealing with the fact that my wife’s life, daughters lives, and mine will forever changed due to my selfish attitude 5 months ago! I can go back to me as a little kid and tell you that I grew up with a single mom. My father was in and out of the picture and I spent little time with him. My fondest memories were trips to Amusement parks or maybe an arcade. As I got older I don’t remember having any grown up conversations or advice from my parents that would help me develop in to a man that my wife and kids needed. Instead I was pushed aside for other things and low and behold I’ve done the same thing! Pathetic! One fond memory is at 21 years old flying to San Diego Ca to sell all of my fathers belongings since he had gotten in to some trouble and needed money for lawyers. This is probably not something a kid wants to do for a parent. My counselor calls all of this abandonment, which had caused me to be insecure, jealous and basically an ass to my beautiful wife. I couldn’t see past my shortcomings and allow life to proceed like it should so I tried to control every situation. If anyone, I hurt my wife the most. I kept her from doing things that she should have done, maybe creating friends that would be everlasting like some of my friendships. Believe me, I never felt like what I was doing was right or wrong. All I ever felt was that I could lose this wonderful person that decided to marry me, so I kept her as close as I could. And what do I do, screw it all up. My latest screw up is not the only thing I’ve done. I’ve accused my wife of cheating, I’ve searched through her phone, email, and stuff. These are things that no person should ever do to someone they love. Especially someone like my wife. If I had to describe her I would start out by saying how beautiful she is. From day one I’ve always thought she was stunning and of course what could she see in me. (For some reason she thought I was attractive) She is the most generous, helpful, loving, warm, intelligent, and caring person I will have ever met. We were together for almost 1 year when I decided to ask her to marry me and throughout the almost 19 years together we have 2 beautiful daughters together that I love dearly. So far it has been almost 5 months since she found out about my ‘emotional’ affair and texting. I crossed the line with things that I said to these women and I deserve everything that is happening to me. I really made a mess of our great lives. At this point I think my wife wants a separation, maybe more. She doesn’t like to discuss the situation because, and I agree, it really sucks! We do well financially for one household, not two. It would be very difficult to separate and try to live our lives they way we live now and survive, as well as letting our kids have all of the great things that they have now. As I said above I decided to start writing so that I could get some of this out and maybe make sense of the situation. Someday I hope that all is behind us and we are all happy and thriving (together I hope). It doesn’t feel as though that is possible at this moment. I miss my wife and our relationship with all my heart. We are both in a bad place right now. To try and make sense of the situation and to move in a direction we are both seeing individual counselors. As of right now my wife does not want to work on our relationship as she feels as though she needs space.

[jac4vr-blog]

My marriage failure

I am trying to come up with a way to cope with the fact that my marriage may be over. I unfortunately I’ve made some mistakes over 19 years that brings me to this day. 2017 is looking like the worst year that I’ll ever live through. My wonderful daughters have no idea what’s about to hit them. I am still a speck hopeful that it may not get that far.

My world started to fall apart and get confusing to me in October of 2016. I had all these wonderful things, my wife, my daughters, a beautiful house, stuff, friendships and family that were forever! I decided to engage in some texting with one woman and hanging out with another. (I still ask myself why) I am having a really hard time dealing with the fact that my wife’s life, daughters lives, and mine will forever changed due to my selfish attitude 5 months ago! I can go back to me as a little kid and tell you that I grew up with a single mom. My father was in and out of the picture and I spent little time with him. My fondest memories were trips to Amusement parks or maybe an arcade. As I got older I don’t remember having any grown up conversations or advice from my parents that would help me develop in to a man that my wife and kids needed. Instead I was pushed aside for other things and low and behold I’ve done the same thing! Pathetic! One fond memory is at 21 years old flying to San Diego Ca to sell all of my fathers belongings since he had gotten in to some trouble and needed money for lawyers. This is probably not something a kid wants to do for a parent. My counselor calls all of this abandonment, which had caused me to be insecure, jealous and basically an ass to my beautiful wife. I couldn’t see past my shortcomings and allow life to proceed like it should so I tried to control every situation. If anyone, I hurt my wife the most. I kept her from doing things that she should have done, maybe creating friends that would be everlasting like some of my friendships. Believe me, I never felt like what I was doing was right or wrong. All I ever felt was that I could lose this wonderful person that decided to marry me, so I kept her as close as I could. And what do I do, screw it all up. My latest screw up is not the only thing I’ve done. I’ve accused my wife of cheating, I’ve searched through her phone, email, and stuff. These are things that no person should ever do to someone they love. Especially someone like my wife. If I had to describe her I would start out by saying how beautiful she is. From day one I’ve always thought she was stunning and of course what could she see in me. (For some reason she thought I was attractive) She is the most generous, helpful, loving, warm, intelligent, and caring person I will have ever met. We were together for almost 1 year when I decided to ask her to marry me and throughout the almost 19 years together we have 2 beautiful daughters together that I love dearly. So far it has been almost 5 months since she found out about my ‘emotional’ affair and texting. I crossed the line with things that I said to these women and I deserve everything that is happening to me. I really made a mess of our great lives. At this point I think my wife wants a separation, maybe more. She doesn’t like to discuss the situation because, and I agree, it really sucks! We do well financially for one household, not two. It would be very difficult to separate and try to live our lives they way we live now and survive, as well as letting our kids have all of the great things that they have now. As I said above I decided to start writing so that I could get some of this out and maybe make sense of the situation. Someday I hope that all is behind us and we are all happy and thriving (together I hope). It doesn’t feel as though that is possible at this moment. I miss my wife and our relationship with all my heart. We are both in a bad place right now. To try and make sense of the situation and to move in a direction we are both seeing individual counselors. As of right now my wife does not want to work on our relationship as she feels as though she needs space.

I’ve put my family in a really shitty situation. It is a struggle when I think of how everything pans out in the near future. I am a mess, but I keep telling myself I’m going to change/adapt for the better and hopefully my wife will realize and find forgiveness. I get extremely mad at myself for my actions that led me to this day. It pisses me off to think of the decisions I made to put me here. I’m not very bright. What will it take for her to come around? Will she? Or is it completely over? I miss my wife something awful, I want so much to make it up to her and be with her for the rest of my life. Yesterday I started to write about friendships and family like relationships that we have created over the past 19 years. There are 3 couples that I will forever miss the interaction between myself, My wife, and them. Mike, Sue, the boys, Paul, Colleen, the girls, Chris, Jessica, the girls, not to mention the aunts, uncles, parents, and several others that have been in our lives and have had great influence on us. The couples and their kids above will never truly understand how sorry I am for putting my family in this situation. I hope that some day I can resume relationships with all of them including my family. Unfortunately I made a catastrophic mistake in life and I dream of forgiveness!! One of my daughters write something one time that sticks with me. I don’t remember why she wrote it, but in one paragraph she said something like, “..friends, closer than family…” We love our families, but she is absolutely right. I wish I could take all of this back and resume our lives. Somehow I have to forgive myself and move on from this no matter what happens. Of course I long to be forgiven by my wife as well as myself. If there’s any higher power I hope they are listening, reading what I write, and hearing my prayers. I need some help. These days without the emotional connection to my wife have really sucked. There has been lots of action in the past few days. I, of course tend to fantasize and make up things in my head. Once I have an exciting make believe story or scenario I am able to make myself believe that it is true. This is a really shitty way to live. My wife has never deserved this and I want to learn to deal with these feelings and anxieties in a much different way. Realizing what I am doing is the first step. Even then it is very difficult to talk myself out of these situations. What helps is looking at why these things happen to me. If I think about why it tends to help me understand that these things are not real or really happening. 10 years ago I had the opportunity to get some professional help. I sat through 2 or 3 appointments and I didn't create a connection with the counselor and it fizzled. Unfortunately I walked away and didn't seek out someone that might better understand me. Now I am in such a bad place and I am living with the understanding that my marriage is in big trouble. I really hope that we can get through this difficult time and come out of it with a stronger relationship than ever. She means the world to me and having her and my daughters as a complete family is my goal. I am trying to live day to day and not get too caught up in what the near future may bring. I hope she sees how hard I am working to push through my fears and issues so that I can be a happier, more secure person. Of course this has to happen no matter what the outcome of my wife and I, but I want it for her! I truly think time will tell and I am hoping we can get from day to day to week to week to month to month until things start to come back around and we get through this. What a wonderful thing that would be!!