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the neck, bruny island

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what seems to be the problem officer? i can’t have been texting i don’t have opposable thumbs

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The sophisticated conspiracy behind hip-hop’s rise to genre dominancy

...I don’t think hip-hop’s rise to dominance is the result of it being a better genre of music (though it is). I am firmly of the belief that there is a sophisticated conspiracy afoot. Basically, what I think happened is around 2007 Jay-Z or someone of that ilk attended an illuminati meeting, and while sat at a comically large table – but one that’s also perfectly round and quite clearly came from a single, gigantic protected tree like a sequoia – outlined a desire for hip-hop to dominate the music industry.

In order for this to happen however, the genre as a whole would need to find a way to appeal to the suburban masses who didn’t mind hip-hop but just happened to mostly listen to Eminem. The think tank briefly considered softening their image to combat misperceptions of the genre as violent and aggressive, but this idea was dismissed almost as quickly as it was formulated (remember this was before Drakewas invited to attend meetings).

After hours of negotiation, finally the committee stumbled on the perfect solution; all they needed to do to give hip-hop mainstream appeal was trick white people into thinking they could dance to it...

Keep reading at Happy Mag

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rap guns, ranked

Critics of the hip-hop genre often use its infatuation with firearms as a reason for its dismissal (conveniently overlooking the romanticism and fetishisation of guns and other weapons in multiple other genres stretching back decades before hip-hop even began). This scapegoating is particularly prominent in the United States, particularly (and therefore frequently!) in the wake of mass shooting attacks. It’s a massive oversimplification to try and blame gun crime on a musical genre, which is why I’m not going to do that. Instead, here is a list of what I reckon are hip-hop’s favourite guns, ranked (completely unscientifically) by popularity and deadliness.

AK-47

Rappers, like guerrilla armies and terrorists, are huge fans of the AK-47. The Swiss-army knife of guns has enjoyed 70 years of ubiquity and is one of the most popular guns in the world, let alone within a singular musical genre. Surprisingly though, it scores low on popularity due to the connotations of its use thanks to Ice Cube’s “It Was A Good Day”.

Popularity: Surprisingly low Deadliness: 10/10 b, it’s a gun.

Uzi

Fans of aesthetics will be quick to note that the Israeli made Uzi submachine gun is not as good looking as the Swedish-American Tec-9. As such, the Tec is probably more likely to appear in music videos and in the lyrics of aestheticians like ASAP Rocky, but the easy rhyme-ability of the Uzi means you’ll likely find it cropping up in more songs. Nas claimed to have kept the Tec in his dresser (a claim later disputed by Jay-Z), but that was way back in 1992, before the gun’s involvement in several high-profile mass shootings caused it to be banned in the U.S. in 1994. The Uzi was also banned in the same legislation, but had previously been subject to import bans in 1989. This likely made it easier to obtain an Uzi on the black market than a Tec, as the need to do so had already been established half a decade earlier.

Popularity: High, so much so that one of modern rap’s biggest names put it right in his. Deadliness: 10/10 b, it’s a gun.

Glock

Another easily rhymed gun that has begun cropping up in songs with more frequency lately, this one differs from others on the list in that it’s a reference to the Austrian weapons manufacturer rather than the weapon model. As such, the term Glock can actually be used as shorthand for several weapons, although is most often used to refer to any Glock manufactured pistol, popular among law enforcement officers around the world (including in Australia). It has faced some competition with another LEO favourite handgun in the German SIG Sauer. Similar to the Glock, the SIG Sauer is often referred to by its manufacturer name (or simply SIG), rather than its model designation. The personal nature of the handgun means these are often the weapons that forge the deepest connection with their wielder, as evidenced by Playboi Carti’s almost paternal affection for his “glocky” on Half & Half.

Popularity: Increasing, but with stiff competition. Deadliness: 10/10 b, it’s a gun.

Draco

The Draco, a miniaturised Romanian variant of the AKM – itself a modernised version of the AK-47, enjoyed a successful 2016 before reaching its peak in early 2017 when Future released a song named after the gun itself, in which he summarises its pros and cons. Its small size allows the Draco to fit inside of a book bag, but the lack of a stabilising stock means that it does have a little kickback. After a few months of relative silence, Migos did recently shout the Draco out on the Culture II song “Narcos”, but suggest using it to clear vegetation rather than the streets.

Popularity: Waning, but not yet waned. Deadliness: 10/10 b, it’s a gun

Banana Clip

Alright nerds this is technically an accessory rather than an actual gun but it’s still a staple of rap lyrics and a good source of potassium. Essentially an extended magazine but for an automatic weapon, named a banana clip because it kinda looks like one. I could have put like… fifty songs here but I’m gonna put Move That Dope because Pharrell gets off one banana clip line and because Move That Dope is still one of the best songs that has been or ever will be made.

Popularity: I don’t know man who cares… just listen to Move That Dope Deadliness: I suppose you could hit someone in the head with it so like, 3/10?

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtK0iGkadtE&feature=youtu.be&t=35

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